By Beth Goodman

*****

*****

The leaves on the trees had begun to wither and fall off weeks ago as the first signs of winter began to sweep over the Earth with an amazing speed. Death and destruction hung in the air all around, from the dying green of Mother Nature to the end of the Pony Express and a way of life...to the death of a beloved friend Noah. It seemed that suddenly, in one fell swoop, everything had changed, and things seemed to have changed for the worst.

An unexpected chill surrounded the lone rider as he urged his horse to move faster. A dark shadow accompanied him on his way; it had become a familiar and harrowing presence in his life for the past several months. He had begun to doubt whether he would ever rid himself of it. Instead, he simply leaned his body forward to decrease the wind resistance and rode towards his destination even faster.

As he galloped along on his horse, the wind blowing his long, dark hair in all directions, Jimmy Hickok's mind was filled with thoughts of all that had happened to him in such a short period of time. All he could think was that not so long ago, he was happy, surrounded by people he considered family, sure of himself. Now, Jimmy felt more miserable and lonelier than he had in a long time. Nothing was certain anymore.

Noah's death and the end of the Pony Express had left everyone's life in limbo, but Jimmy's even more so. Shortly after, Cody left to join the army full time as a scout. He felt it was his duty as a man, as well as his way of honoring Noah. Buck left, too, to spend some time visiting his brother Red Bear and his Kiowa family and also to do a little soul-searching of his own.

Other than Jimmy, only Rachel, Teaspoon, Kid, and Lou remained in Rock Creek. They went on with their lives the best they knew how, trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered dreams despite the death and despair, trying to find some strength and regain some shred of normalcy. Kid and Lou had each other to hold on to as they worked to build a life for themselves as newlyweds. It was difficult, but they were optimistic. Rachel had the school and her teaching, and she poured her heart and energy into the children primarily to keep her own sanity. Teaspoon continued with his job as marshal of Rock Creek and managed the last few deliveries the Pony Express made before shutting down for good.

Jimmy, on the other hand, felt his life going nowhere. The Express was dead; he was out of work. The routine that had gotten him through each day before was completely disrupted.

For a while, Jimmy stayed on in Rock Creek helping Rachel around the old station house, which they had purchased from Russell, Majors & Waddell after the Pony Express had permanently dismantled. He also assisted Teaspoon in his duties as town marshal. However, Jimmy quickly discovered that that life was not for him. He felt as if everyone else had a place, a purpose, a way to move on, but he didn't think he really belonged there anymore.

Since Kid and Lou's wedding, Jimmy had begun to feel more and more like an outsider until he simply could not stand it anymore. The man who was once his best friend, who he'd considered like a brother, and the woman who he once thought had captured his heart as no other had were now husband and wife. It was hard enough to see them happy together, but knowing he would never share in that happiness made it unbearable. Jimmy knew he had to leave.

He let out a great sigh as he thought about his estranged relationship with the Kid. They were the best of friends at one time, always ready to stand by each other despite the personal and political differences that often threatened to force a wedge between them. And now, they barely spoke to each other. Not since Noah's death. Not since Rosemary.

Rosemary. The words formed silently on Jimmy's wind-burned lips as he rode harder and faster, sending his palomino flying across the frozen prairie with another swift jab of his spurs. Sometimes, Jimmy wondered if she really had been the cause of the riff between himself and Kid, between himself and the rest of his "family". But he always forced that thought aside, choosing to convince himself that Rosemary was acquitted of any blame simply because she was on Noah's side. She was on the side of right, at least the side Jimmy thought was right.

Thoughts of Rosemary always returned Jimmy to thoughts of the Kid. The anger began to boil in his blood even as he shuddered externally from the biting winter wind. Kid had been so quick to judge, so quick to lay blame on Rosemary for the troubles into which they had been tossed in the middle. But Jimmy knew deep down that those troubles had been inevitable, taking root way back when a quiet teenage boy of Southern heritage and a headstrong young man with the blood of Abolitionists running through his veins stood lined up against a fence as part of a most unlikely group of people in Sweetwater, Nebraska. The battle between Jimmy and Kid, between two strong-willed people with different ideas of what was right, was as inevitable as the battle going on in the East and spreading to their own backyard, ripping a struggling, young nation in two.

The end result of Kid's unconcealed bitterness towards Rosemary had been her reluctant departure one night while everyone was still asleep. She packed the few belongings she had brought with her to Rock Creek, took one of the horses, and rode back towards her home in Kansas. Before she left, though, she wrote Jimmy a note. It was a note that Jimmy carried with him even as he rode through the growing darkness of night, towards a destination where he hoped he would find a place to belong, where he could finally grieve for the loss of his friend Noah.

Jimmy had read that note so many times over the period of a week that he had practically memorized it.

The words that Rosemary had written echoed in Jimmy's ears, temporarily blocking out the pounding sound of the horse's hooves into the hard ground. Dear James. James, he thought. She'd been the only one to call him that since Alice. I need you...I need you, James. And it was those words that gave Jimmy the last bit of resolve he needed to leave Rock Creek and the life he had built for himself there behind. Rosemary was offering not just herself, but a chance to fight for what Noah died for, a chance to find inner purpose and meaning, something Jimmy needed now more than ever.

So, Jimmy did as Rosemary had done. He packed up what little possessions he had, sneaked away under the cloak of darkness, saddled up his palomino, and spurred it away from the old way station as he had a hundred times before. Only this time, it was for good.

*****

Louise McCloud awoke to the sound of her husband's soft snoring in her ear. She opened her eyes and smiled peacefully as she turned to look at him. She regarded his countenance while he slept, his sandy hair strewn in all directions, his eyes twittering in a state of dreaming, his mouth agape and his lips trembling slightly with his heavy, audible breath, the feather pillow billowing out from under his head. She laughed inwardly as she brought her hand up to brush back a lock of hair that had made its way in front of the Kid's closed eyes. She pushed it back gently, trying her best not to awaken him. Then she rose from the bed slowly and quietly, put on her robe over her nightgown, and tiptoed down the stairs to put a pot of coffee on the stove.

Lou hummed softly as the new day greeted her through the parlor windows. Though the days were growing colder and shorter, the morning was still bright and cheery. She walked into the kitchen prepared to make breakfast as she had every morning since she and Kid got married not long ago. She was getting used to the routine by now, used to being a wife, used to being a lady, and she required less and less help from Rachel as time progressed.

She reached for the canister of coffee in the cupboard and set it on the kitchen table. But as Lou went to retrieve the metal coffeepot, her eyes came across a piece of paper lying on the opposite end of the table, causing her to stop mid-step. And before Lou could even make out the writing on the paper, she felt her heart sinking to the pit of her stomach with an unexplained feeling of dread washing over her.

Approaching the note as if were a rattlesnake, Lou finally began to see the words that were scrawled on the note come into focus.

Lou simply stood there, her eyes fixed on the note, unflinching, while the reality of Jimmy's departure slowly sunk in. Then, it hit her all at once with a stunning blow. Jimmy was gone...and he had left without even saying goodbye.

"Kid! Kid!" She screamed as she snatched the note up from the table and sunk into a chair to prevent her from collapsing with utter shock. Lou found she could not move; she could barely breath as she read the words on the note over and over again, trying with all of her might to wish the moment away...to wish it all away.

The sound of footsteps tromping heavily down the stairs broke Lou out of her reverie. And when Kid finally descended and entered the kitchen, Rachel following shortly after, his face radiating a mixture of alarm and concern, all Lou could do was run to her husband and bury her face in his chest.

*****

Jimmy had ridden straight through the night without even stopping to take a rest. A part of him wanted only to get away from his past as fast as he possibly could, to distance himself further and further from his life and the people who had once been like family to him in Rock Creek. Then there was another part of him that had to constantly make a conscious effort not to turn his horse around and head back. But in the end, this part would lose out, and the miles between Jimmy and the life he was leaving behind only increased.

By the time the sun was directly overhead, doing its best to warm the frigid Earth below, Jimmy was in Kansas, only minutes away from the homestead where Rosemary lived. He was exhausted, weary to the bone, not only from the physical exertion of riding all night, but also from the mental strain he placed on himself. It was enough to give Jimmy the headache of his life, though he did not seem to notice as his thoughts focused on seeing Rosemary again. He wondered how he would feel when he did, what he would say to her.

Instantly, Jimmy began to stiffen in his saddle as the house came into view over the horizon. It was not the reaction he had expected. He'd forced himself into believing that coming to Kansas -- coming to Rosemary -- was the right decision, the only decision. But now, a strange and indescribable feeling passed through Jimmy, one that he could not fathom, as he approached what he knew was the beginning of a new chapter in his life, and the end of something he wasn't exactly certain he wanted to let go of.

As usual, Jimmy pushed any doubts he had about the path he had chosen to take into the furthest recesses of his mind. Instead, he pulled his horse to a halt only feet away from the front door of Rosemary's house. He dismounted with a hint of caution lurking in his step and walked up the stairs of the porch.

Jimmy had barely lifted his fisted hand to prepare to knock when the door opened abruptly and unexpectedly. He was caught completely off guard, especially when he realized he had the barrel of a rifle pointed in his chest.

*****

The breath caught in Jimmy's throat for a moment before he realized his assailant was only Rosemary.

"Rosemary! It's just me. It's Jimmy."

He searched her dark, frightened eyes for a moment while the fact that Jimmy was not some Southern sympathizer looking to harm her slowly sunk into Rosemary's brain.

"James?" She cried.

Jimmy breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that Rosemary realized it was him and lowered the rifle she was holding. Then, her face scrunched up as she dropped her weapon, threw herself into Jimmy's arms, and sobbed. All he could do was accept her and try to comfort her.

After several moments of just standing there on the porch, Jimmy led Rosemary back into the house and sat her down on the couch so she could regain her composure. Finally, she got her tears under control and loosened her grip on Jimmy, backing away just enough so that she could gaze into his eyes.

Swallowing hard, Rosemary began to speak, a slight sense of victory carried in her voice. "I knew you'd come back, James. I knew it. I knew you'd see how much we need you here to fight with the vigilance committee...how much I need you here."

Rosemary's words were all Jimmy needed to convince himself that he had made the right choice after all in leaving Rock Creek and coming to Kansas. He felt that he was needed; he was wanted. Here, he could make a difference in other people's lives...and in his own. If Jimmy had stayed back in Rock Creek, his life would be stagnant. He would still be on the outside looking in on the life now shared by two of the people he'd felt closest to -- Kid and Lou. He would still be having the same fight over and over again with Kid about which side was right. Jimmy didn't want any of that, and for the time being, he believed this was what he wanted, Rosemary was what he wanted. At least, he thought, she wanted him.

Jimmy brushed Rosemary's disheveled hair away from her pale, tear-soaked face, searching her eyes for something...he couldn't quite explain it. She closed her eyes, feeling both ecstasy and uncertainty under his touch, as Jimmy lowered his mouth onto hers.

*****

"I can't believe Jimmy would just leave without even sayin' goodbye," Lou shook her head in disbelief.

Kid squeezed his wife's hand affectionately to comfort her, knowing how upset she must be over the unexpected departure of their friend. Even though he and Jimmy had not been getting along well as of late, Kid felt just as bad as Lou did when he saw the note, especially since things between them had been left unreconciled. And Kid felt partly to blame for that.

"I mean, I guess Jimmy's leavin' was a long time in the makin'...I just didn't expect it to be so soon," Lou said, her eyes glancing over to Rachel who say nearby.

"I know, sweetie. But ever since Rosemary left, he's been restless, not knowin' what to do," Rachel explained. "I s'pose, like he said, Jimmy just decided he didn't belong here anymore. I think we best leave him be till he comes 'round on his own."

"I know you're right, Rachel," Lou conceded, though she couldn't hide the hurt she felt. "I figured it was only a matter of time 'fore he left. Jimmy needs to make his own way, even if that ain't in Rock Creek. I know that. But at the same time, there's a part of me that wants to ride on out there and try to talk some sense into his thick skull."

Kid nodded, feeling much the same way as Lou, although he'd be hesitant to admit it. He understood why Jimmy felt the need to go, but he still couldn't see why he'd run off to be with Rosemary, of all people. Kid thought Jimmy was smarter than that, especially after all the trouble the woman had caused. Kid just could not help but place a certain amount of blame on Rosemary, even though everyone tried to convince him it was not her fault, that it was inevitable. And even worse, Kid somehow felt betrayed by Jimmy leaving to join Rosemary, probably to help her in her radical Abolitionist activities.

Kid was finally drawn out of his thoughts when he heard Lou speak. "How d'ya think Teaspoon'll take it?"

*****

Jimmy suddenly felt Rosemary stiffen against his hold as she lifted her hands to his chest to gently push him away from her. He pulled away slowly, reluctantly, his lips unwilling to leave hers prematurely. When Rosemary finally opened her eyes, she gazed into Jimmy's tortured, gray orbs, seeing the hurt and confusion emanating from them.

"I'm sorry, James," she whispered, hoping to ease his pain with the softness of her voice. "It's just too soon for me. I...I need a little more time."

His brow creasing in puzzlement, Jimmy said, "But I thought this was what you wanted. I thought..."

Jimmy was silenced by Rosemary's index finger pressing against his lips. "It is, James. I can't tell you how much your coming here means to me. But right now, we have more important things to do." Upon seeing the growing look of confusion on Jimmy's face, Rosemary elaborated. "War is coming, James. We've seen what it can do. You only have to think of Noah to know that. And that's why we gotta do our part to make sure the right side wins, to make sure we win."

"What do you want me to do, Rosemary?" He asked, his tone indicating his willingness to go along with her plans to help the Union succeed in abolishing slavery.

Rosemary smiled, realizing that she would have Jimmy's full cooperation in the matter. She then squeezed his hand tightly and rose from the couch, leading Jimmy along. She managed a faint smile. "Come on. The first thing we do is pay a little visit to your sister Celinda."

*****

"Damn."

That was all Teaspoon managed to say upon hearing that Jimmy had left Rock Creek and joined up with Rosemary in Kansas.

"Damn," he muttered again.

Kid, Lou, and Rachel just stood around the jailhouse in silence, watching as Teaspoon's facial expressions took on the gamut of emotions. At first, like Lou, he was simply shocked, in a state of disbelief. Then, the shock changed to hurt, and then to slight anger. Now, Teaspoon was just left feeling as they all were -- sadly disappointed and terribly let down.

"Damn." Only this time, it came out practically as a whisper, as if his mouth were forming the word but the sound got choked in his throat.

"You can say that again," Rachel spoke under her breath. But Teaspoon found he was all out of words for the time being.

"This family just keeps gettin' smaller 'n' smaller every time I turn to look around," Lou said, feeling a pain great in her heart and tears stinging the back of her eyes.

Kid moved closer to his wife, putting his strong arm around her shoulders to offer what comfort he could. He, too, was at a loss for words, his own mixed feelings on Jimmy's departure with Rosemary floating in his head in a massive jumble of confusion. He found it was better not to say anything at all for the moment, than to say something he'd come to regret later on.

Louise sighed deeply as she felt the warmth of her husband penetrate through the cotton of her dress as she tucked herself into the hollow at his side, sinking into his willing arms. And though she was close to the man she had been destined to share her life with, she felt a sad, lonely emptiness eating at her insides that made her ache for one more chance to see Jimmy. To see his dark, piercing eyes that always seemed to see clear down to her soul. To see the way his black hat sat upon his head just so, pulled low to shade his face, hide his eyes. To see his hair flying at the back of his neck when he took the handoff and kicked his horse into a full-out run. To see the smile she missed so much, the smile that had been rarely shown in the last several months. But when it came, oh, it was brighter than dawn itself, warming Lou to her toes in a way she could never explain, even to herself.

To see Jimmy one last time...if only to say goodbye.

*****

It was like no time at all before Rosemary and Jimmy had arrived at Celinda and Nathan's house in the buckboard. Jimmy stopped the horse with a "Whoa", jumped down from his seat, and held a gloved hand out to help Rosemary descend as well. As he helped her from the buckboard, his eyes were fixed on Rosemary, yet she did not meet his gaze. Her face was focused, set in a serious, hard line that Jimmy remembered seeing the time when she had first told him about the list of Pierson's men...the list that had gotten them into so much trouble, that had gotten Noah killed.

Finally, when Rosemary turned to look at Jimmy, her face breaking into an awkward smile, all of those thoughts of his seemed to scatter into the wind, like the dust kicked up by his horse every time he rode across the plains.

They walked together towards the house, up several steps to the porch. Rosemary knocked on the door, hard and determined. Within moments, Celinda came to the door, after having peeked out of the window first to see who it was, a baby balanced on one hip and a broad grin on her face.

"Jimmy!" She exclaimed, as she wrapped her free arm around her younger brother, who was a good foot taller than she, pulling him as close to her as the bundle in her other arm would allow.

Jimmy smiled back at her. "Celinda. It's good to see ya."

"It is so good to see you again, Jimmy," she said. Celinda glanced towards Rosemary, nodding her head in greeting. Then she turned back to her brother with a laughing smirk on her face. "I knew it was only a matter of time before Rosemary got you to come out here to visit us."

Jimmy let out a quick chuckle, though he felt strangely embarrassed for some reason. Sometimes Celinda had a way of making him feel like a little kid again, with him the younger, trouble-prone brother, and she the older, wiser sister often acting like a mother hen. "Yeah, well..." He dropped his bashful gaze from hers for a moment, his voice drifting off.

Then, Jimmy's eyes turned to the babe in her arms, towards the bright eyes of the future. His nephew, he thought. The smile grew wider as the child gurgled and made noises, wondrous of the man with the long dark hair and black hat standing before him. His nephew reached with chubby hands to pull at the strap on his hat. Jimmy laughed, his eyes crinkling with delight, something he hadn't felt in a long time.

"So where's that husband o' yours?" Jimmy asked, his face still in a grin, as he clasped the infant's hand sweetly and playfully. "He treatin' ya right?"

"He's at another meeting with the vigilance committee," she replied, moving into the house so Jimmy and Rosemary would follow, "but he should be back any time now."

"I see," Jimmy muttered, looking up at his sister. At once, his expression suddenly fell and his eyes darkened in their usual, brooding way. Jimmy knew that was part of why he was here -- to help the vigilance committee and do what he could to fight against slavery. But he also hated to hear of Nathan's involvement in it at the same time. After all, Nathan was married to his sister. He was supposed to be there to take care of her and their new son. He certainly wouldn't be able to do that if he was off getting himself killed.

Rosemary could sense Jimmy's uneasiness, and she knew that Celinda saw it as well. So before she could speak up on her husband's behalf, Rosemary decided to intercede. "Celinda, James is here to help...to help with the vigilance committee."

"And I thought you were just here for a friendly visit," she joked lightly. "Nathan'll be back soon to fill you in on what's been goin' on, but in the meantime, you two just set a spell so we can catch up." Celinda paused for a moment while her face took on a roguish smile. "Maybe Uncle Jimmy here would like to get acquainted with his nephew here."

She handed the baby over to Jimmy, who had no choice but to accept the bundle of joy being offered to him. His eyes were wide with both curiosity and a little bit of anxiety. He'd never really been around babies before, except for that time a baby girl was left on the front porch of the bunkhouse...and neither Emma nor Lou had been around to take care of her. Jimmy smiled in remembrance as he sat down at the kitchen table holding his nephew. He and Teaspoon and the other riders would have made a mess out of that situation, if it hadn't been for Ike.

Ike. The smile instantly faded.

Jimmy was completely lost in thought, lost in the times he'd spent as a Pony Express rider. Lost in missing his friends and family. But he quickly snapped himself out of his reverie as he became conscious once more of the small baby in his arms, who was kicking and flailing his little arms and legs about in the stranger's tentative hold. Jimmy thought the baby felt so fragile, as if he would break if held wrong, as if it were impossible to believe that a man would grow from such a tiny thing.

It truly was wonder, Jimmy thought, as he glanced at the baby and then over at Rosemary, who watched with longing and yet a certain numbness evident in her eyes all at the same time. Her son had died, he remembered to himself. Her husband had died. Jimmy turned away from those sad, cold eyes, not wanting to think about it any longer. Instead, he submersed himself in the softness and delicateness of what he held on to, wondering, if maybe, it was something that might be in his own future one day.

"What's his name?" Jimmy suddenly asked, raising his head to look at his sister.

"It's William Nathan," Celinda said, with some hesitancy. "After Nathan, of course, and after father."

*****

Jimmy felt his heart seize in his chest momentarily when he heard his sister state that she had named her son after their father. Celinda saw the look on his face, a mixture of shock and hurt, the kind of look she was half-expecting, but hated to see nonetheless.

Jimmy had never gotten along well with his father. Celinda knew that well. Though he had tried to make his peace with William Alonzo Hickok long after his death, Jimmy could never truly forgive the man in his heart. The pain caused to his mother, both physical and emotional, the feeling of the family being abandoned over his cause. All of these bitter memories came rushing back to Jimmy with full force at the mere utterance of his father's name. The memories began to sting his eyes so that he had to blink hard to keep focus. Though he shed no tears.

After several long, almost unbearable moments of silent tension, Jimmy handed the baby over to Celinda as if he were a sack of flour and walked out of the house with fast, determined strides.

The two women were left in the house with baby William, who had begun to fuss and whimper when the door slammed loudly shut behind Jimmy. They glanced at each other knowingly, for Rosemary had been informed of Jimmy's strained relationship with his father. However, they said nothing as Celinda focused once more on her son, trying to hush his crying by rocking and joggling him gently in her arms. Rosemary simply sat there, debating with herself as to whether or not she should go outside and talk to Jimmy.

*****

Jimmy stood by the corral fence gazing into the vast emptiness of the Kansas landscape, leaning his weight onto his elbows that were propped up on the top rail. His eyes narrowed at the sun lowering in the sky ahead of him, its brilliant rays peeking through the clouds as they moved in the late autumn sky. It was a sky he'd seen many times before. It was the same sky under which he'd grown up. The sky under which he'd learned to fear, learned to hate. Yet, he felt a stranger to it now, to this sky and to this land of his childhood.

The weather was growing colder, though the sun still shone brightly above. The days were getting shorter and shorter as the winds of winter began sweeping over the earth, promising snow and harsh gales in the long months to come.

The air stirred around Jimmy's weather-burned face, causing his hair to fly about his shoulders and sending the strap of his hat whipping sideways along with the long, dark strands. He heaved a great sigh that seemed to echo inside of him and bounce off the wind, thick with dust and the smell of horses and the bitter sting of memories.

William Nathan. William Alonzo Hickok. The mere thought of it sickened Jimmy and filled him with an anger that was bordering on loneliness. He thought he had resolved these feelings a while ago. Feelings about Kansas, the place where he'd grown up. Feelings about his father. Feelings about himself. Now Jimmy was left thinking that perhaps he'd just fooled himself into believing he had forgiven his father for causing him and his family so much pain. Perhaps he'd also fooled himself into believing that he had forgiven himself for not being there when his father died.

Now he wondered if he could forgive his sister for naming her son after the man he hated so much, the man he hated for hating. Had she forgotten what it was like to live with their father? Had she forgotten how their mother had suffered, how they all had suffered, both at his hand and at his neglect? Jimmy knew it was wrong, but he felt strangely betrayed.

A whirlwind of emotion passed through Jimmy as the air continued to blow around him, as if enveloping him in his own private cyclone that threatened to lift him from the ground and send him spinning off into oblivion. He closed his eyes and drifted further within himself, tilting his head back to let the air brush his face and tickle his cheeks, to try to cool the fire he felt burning within, though his flesh prickled with goose bumps.

The sun had burned spots inside his eyelids, and they danced before him, flashing with dazzling brightness in an almost mesmerizing display. Jimmy soon became unaware of how long he was standing like that. By now, he felt completely lost within his own mind, his own body. His breathing became slow and steady, his heartbeat synchronized with the flickering of the lights in his closed eyes. The feel of the wooden fence post, hard and rough beneath his forearms, seemed to disappear entirely; the once-sure firmness of the ground beneath his feet was gone to him as well. All physical sensation, all thought, all perception of who and where he was had vanished in the wind. Jimmy felt as if he were no longer there, as if he might dissipate in a cloud of dust at any moment. And the idea gave him a breath of relief.

The unawareness that captured Jimmy had him wrapped up in a cloak of transcendental nothingness so tight and protecting that he did not hear Rosemary's footsteps behind him or even feel her hand when she laid it on his shoulder, brushing his hair from the nape of his neck.

"James?" She called him for the third or fourth time, unheard, unanswered. "James?" She tried yet again, shaking him slightly as if to make sure he hadn't just died while standing against the corral fence. He felt so stiff and so cold, like a statue.

Finally, Jimmy opened his eyes, immediately having to move his hand to shield them from the sun before they grew accustomed to the brightness again. He blinked several times, and then he turned around to face Rosemary, still feeling very disoriented.

She sent him a smile of relief, which flashed momentarily and then faded into a look of worry that encompassed her pale face.

"James," she said, "you had me worried. Are you feeling all right? You have this strange look on your face." Her brow was drawn in concern, and he was beginning to frighten her the way he stood and did not speak.

Though he had been facing Rosemary, Jimmy now changed his focus to Celinda's house, which was directly behind her. Still, he said nothing.

"I know your feelings towards your father, James," Rosemary began, placing her arm on his, "but Celinda says he wasn't always like that. That he was different when she was younger. But you were too young to remember the good that was in him."

Jimmy merely flinched at her words. Realizing that she was getting nowhere with him, Rosemary changed tactics. "Most people remember him as a great man...a man who did a lot for the Abolitionist cause. A man who died so that others might have the same freedom you and me have." Her voice drifted off when she felt the tightness in Jimmy's arm and fist ease under her touch. She looked into his eyes, which refused to meet hers, searching, searching.

At last he allowed his gaze to meet hers. Gunmetal gray met with earthy brown. He even managed a slight, but shaky smile from his lips and reached out to push back the wisps of hair that had flown loose from Rosemary's hair tie, his fingers lightly brushing her forehead. Then, Jimmy surrendered himself to her as she thrust herself into his arms so hard that he could feel the impact of her resonating in his chest.

"You're gonna be just fine, James. Everything's gonna work out. You'll see," Rosemary told him.

"I'll be fine," he replied flatly, glad she couldn't see his eyes for the lie that was in them. "I'll be fine." Jimmy repeated the words over and over again in his brain, as if trying to will them to be true.

He held on fast and firm for quite a while, not really to the woman in his grasp, but to the notion that things were going to work out. That he was going to be all right. And Jimmy pushed aside the loneliness that even the warm body near him did not fill.

*****

The days that followed Jimmy's departure from Rock Creek were some of the saddest and loneliest days Louise had ever known. She knew it was wrong to feel this way, not when she had the man she'd recently taken as her husband, not when she had her whole life still yet to be lived and filled with countless moments of happiness, whether or not she ever laid eyes on Jimmy Hickok again. Not when she had the new life of her first child budding in her belly.

She tried hard to push down these emotions as she sat down to supper with Kid, Teaspoon, and Rachel, plastering a look on her face that made it appear she had been paying attention to the conversation going on around her.

"...just as soon as spring comes, I'm gonna work on buying us a place of our own. Maybe stock it with some new horses so's we can start breedin'," Kid said, sending a smile over to his wife. Lou smiled in return, not truly knowing why she was doing so.

Rachel frowned slightly as she passed Teaspoon the bowl of greens. "Well, we'll sure be sad not to have you so close, 'specially now since there's only the four of us left."

"Now, Rachel, you know as well as I do these two young folks don't wanna be cooped up here with us old folks," Teaspoon said. "It's only natural they'll be wantin' a house o' their own now they've been married for these months."

Rachel threw a glower of mock annoyance, saying, "Who're you callin' old?"

The older man cleared his throat and averted her gaze before he saw the corners of her mouth turn up and her eyes crinkle teasingly.

Kid tried also to reassure the woman he thought of as a mother. "We're plannin' to make our home in Rock Creek, or close to it," he told her. "You'll probably see us so much you'll never know we're not livin' under the same roof."

Rachel managed a faint smile. She knew it was true; she wasn't losing the last two of "her children". The end of the Express had been hard on everyone, so it made it even more difficult at times to keep the despair from seeping into the soul.

"You both know you're welcome to stay here as long as you like," she offered.

"We know," Kid replied. "And we appreciate you lettin' us stay through winter. We wanted to move out sooner, but with the cold weather settin' in so quick, we knew it would be tougher to do the fixin' up we need and gettin' the stock to start the ranch."

The table fell silent for several moments while everyone seemed preoccupied with eating their supper. Rachel glanced up from her plate over to where Lou was sitting across from her. She noticed that Lou had hardly touched her food; she was simply pushing it around from one side of the plate to the other, mixing the peas, potatoes, and meat into one incongruous pile of mush. Then she prodded at the food with the tines of her fork, her eyes on the mess she was making. Though it appeared more as if Lou were looking through the plate rather than at it. Rachel also thought how the girl had been silent through much of the earlier conversation. A worried look crossed her face.

"Lou?" Rachel called out, causing her to quickly snap her head up and bring her eyes to meet with Rachel's.

"Hmmm?" was the surprised response.

"Lou? You feelin' alright, honey?"

"Oh, sure, Rachel," Lou answered, trying to cover the lie up with a smile. "I'm just feelin' a bit tired, is all."

Kid turned to examine his wife's face as well, his brow creasing deep into his forehead. "You sure you're all right, Lou? Rachel's right. You're lookin' a bit peaked."

"I'm just tired, like I said," Lou said, her voice nearly a shout. "Why does everyone have to keep askin' as if they don't believe me?" She hadn't meant to get herself all riled up, but their questions and probing were beginning to annoy her. She dropped her gaze once more to her plate, dropping the fork onto the table and folding her hands together under the table.

Everyone looked at Lou, wondering now more than ever what was wrong to make her respond like that. They knew she'd been hurt and upset by Jimmy's leaving, but they never thought she would start to lash out on them.

Kid simply sighed, and no more was mentioned on the matter. She just needs more time, he thought to himself. Once we have our own place, things'll be better.

Lou sat there enshrouded in a heavy, suffocating silence until she felt as she could no longer hold back the tears that threatened to spill. And so, she excused herself from the table and walked out the front door without even grabbing her shawl and stepped into the chilly night air. No one made a move to follow after her, which was exactly what she wanted.

Striding into the shelter of the barn, Lou felt that she could finally sort through all the thoughts that had her mind racing so lately. She was free of the Kid's prying eyes, Rachel's questions, and Teaspoon's huffs of worry. She was grateful every day for their loving presence in her life, but sometimes, she simply needed to be alone with her thoughts and emotions. Now was one of those times.

Lou paced the floor of the barn, feeling the fresh layer of straw crunching and shifting under her feet. She wrapped her arms around herself, regretting the fact that she'd stormed out without grabbing her coat. She wondered how long it would take before Kid showed up to bring it to her and look at her with the hurt and worry she knew would be in his crystal blue eyes. The idea made her shake her head and sigh loudly, and she could see her breath visible in the cold, still air.

Growing tired of pacing, Lou made her way over to the stall where her beloved Lightning stood. He dazzled in the lamplight, his coat black and lustrous like obsidian rock. She smiled slightly as she brought her hand up to caress his muzzle, and he whinnied, both in happiness at seeing her and in annoyance at her neglect. The horse hadn't been exercised as much as he'd been used to before Lou got married and the Pony Express ended.

She leaned up against the wooden support beam next to Lightning's stall, one hand resting on his silky mane, the other hand resting on the slight bulge of her own stomach. The swelling of her belly and breasts was barely noticeable now, but soon it would be impossible to deny the fact that she was pregnant. Lou looked down at herself as if seeing her body for the first time. It felt alien to her somehow. Alien, but precious all at the same time.

She was going to have a baby. It had been growing inside of her for nearly three months, though she only came to realize it for certain just yesterday. Lou hadn't been to the doctor yet, but still, she knew.

At first, she thought the missed monthly curse was due to the added stress that had come into her life as of late. She thought the nausea and vomiting and moodiness were also by-products of those recent changes and anxieties. But then it hit Lou suddenly what was happening to her body, and she felt foolish for not realizing it before. She felt foolish and delighted...and frightened.

Louise had yet to tell her husband that she was with child. She knew it was something that would make him deliriously happy, but she could not bring herself to utter the words. And she didn't quite understand why -- why she was so uncertain, so afraid -- especially when she knew it was probably the one thing that would definitely keep the Kid with her, to keep him from going back to Virginia to fight for some cause she couldn't fathom and did not believe in.

The issue of whether or not Kid would go back to Virginia was never truly resolved, even now that he and Lou had been married for several months and the war was already officially declared back east. He talked about starting a ranch and building a house, but there was still that fear in Lou's mind that this dream might never happen as the signs of war kept filtering out West.

She did her best to avoid the subject entirely, which suited Kid just fine. But when the news had reached Rock Creek that the Yankees had fired upon Fort Sumter, Lou had seen the look in her husband's eyes. At that moment, she knew that Virginia still burned deep in his soul despite all his attempts to squelch the fires of his past and his homeland.

And now, Lou had the ultimate joy, the ultimate weapon, to keep Kid from never leaving her side, and she couldn't get the words to tell him past her tightened throat and quivering lips.

*****

Jimmy's first month in Kansas finally came to an end. The time seemed to pass by so slowly, almost to an excruciating degree. Yet at the same time, winter seemed to have sneaked up on him without warning, like a ghost with no shadow.

Kansas certainly hadn't been all he was expecting, but Jimmy felt that he was making himself useful, and that he was wanted. The days of working on his sister and brother-in-law's homestead and helping Rosemary when needed, and the nights spent in abolitionist meetings filled his time and kept his mind occupied and off of what he had left behind in Rock Creek.

For the time being, Jimmy stayed at Rosemary's house, though he slept in a spare bedroom. She had told him that she wasn't quite ready to share her bed with him, and it didn't take long for Jimmy to realize himself that this was probably for the best, at least for now while his own feelings were in such a muddled state. They hadn't really had a falling out or anything, but the more time Jimmy spent with Rosemary, the more he began to realize things were different between them somehow, and that maybe they would never be the same again no matter how much he tried. He didn't know what had changed, or how it had happened. All he knew was that the air was different between them; it wasn't like it had been when he first laid eyes on her and lusted after her only to find out that she was married to another man.

Jimmy knew he cared a great deal for Rosemary even though their future together was uncertain. He tried to tell himself that he had no regrets in coming out to Kansas to be with her, but with each passing day, that became harder and harder to do.

To distract himself further from the separateness he began to feel from Rosemary, Jimmy immersed himself even more in the vigilance work with Nathan.

*****

"Quiet down, fellas! You'll find out soon enough why you've been called here."

The shorter, younger man with a pointy beard and round glasses moved aside to let the larger, middle-aged man step to the front of Nathan's barn where the vigilante meeting had been called special. The room suddenly grew silent, even the animals in their stalls dared not make a sound, as the man's strong presence was felt over everything in his shadow.

Foster Douglas had taken over the operation of the committee since shortly after the murder of Isaiah Burke. He had a long history of abolitionist activities, and the men had a definite reverence for him. He had begun escalating his involvement in the vigilance committee even more after his wife and young daughter were murdered by a group of Southern sympathizers years earlier.

Douglas stood wordlessly for several moments while his eyes scanned the group of men sitting on benches and chairs in the makeshift meeting hall. Curiosity and an almost-fearful anticipation filled their faces as the hush fell over them with a powerful force. Jimmy, too, sat in waiting while their leader licked his lips, preparing to speak.

"No doubt you are all wondering why I have called this special meeting," Douglas began, his eloquent voice lilting and echoing off the rafters of the barn. "Well, I have only just learned that a group of Southern sympathizers are on their way the safe house outside of Fort Leavenworth where the escaped slaves are being held. A spy was discovered not far from the safe house, but he had already informed the slavers of what he'd found."

"How long do we got?" one man spoke up.

"Not long," Douglas sighed. "Those of you who decide to join me will ride out tonight."

"Hell, this don't sound no diff'rent than all the other threats we've gotten in the past," another man said.

"I'm afraid it could be," replied Douglas, with a somber and serious expression darkening his aristocratic features. "The men who are rumored to be attacking are part of the Thornton Gang."

A silent tension came over the crowd once more. The Thornton Gang. There wasn't a man in the room who hadn't heard of them before and hadn't shuddered at the thought of them striking in a place close to their homes. Jimmy's eyes went wide along with many of the others present. And the more Foster Douglas talked about his plan to thwart the gang, the more dangerous it began to sound and the more he didn't want to be a part of it.

"I'll need as many of you as I can get to ride out with me to the safe house to protect it and fight for our black brothers and sisters." Douglas continued. He scanned the men once again, looking for volunteers.

"I'll go."

Jimmy spun around to the source of the call. It was Nathan. He felt his heart stop in his chest when he saw his sister's husband raise his hand and stand up, the first to volunteer in a mission which could prove very dangerous, or possibly even lethal.

But Foster Douglas just smiled and said, "Good. Now which of you other men is willing to put your bravery on the line to fight for freedom and justice?"

The men looked at each other, grumbling words that were incomprehensible to Jimmy. More hands were flung into the air as Jimmy sat in shock. Douglas, on the other hand, was highly pleased.

Obviously his little speech had been convincing, and Jimmy couldn't help comparing in his mind what was going on around him with one of those big tent revivals he'd heard about. The ones where the masses are so mesmerized by the "preacher" that they don't even notice their pockets are being swindled until it's too late.

"Nathan!" Jimmy finally called out.

The young man whipped his head in Jimmy's direction upon hearing the sound of his name. He was met with piercing gray eyes that seemed to breathe fire. Nathan understood Jimmy would worry about him taking a risk, especially when he has a wife and a young son at home to take care of, but he didn't expect the anger he saw.

"Jimmy," Nathan tried to reassure, "I've done this a hundred times. It'll be just like all the rest of 'em. We just need to show those slavers that we're not gonna back down."

Jimmy looked at him incredulously. "This ain't gonna be like those other times, Nathan," he practically screamed. "This is the Thornton Gang we're dealin' with. You don't know what you're gettin' yourself into," he added.

"Nothin's gonna happen, I promise." Nathan tried to make light of the situation, but Jimmy would have none of it. "I'm goin', Jimmy," he said resolutely.

He shook his head in utter disbelief. "I don't believe you're doin' this! You got a wife! My sister, goddammit! And have you forgotten you got a baby to take care of?" Jimmy got in his brother-in-law's face, his finger pointing in anger and accusation, his words moving behind clenched teeth. "You got no call riskin' yourself like this." His hands now became fists, and he pounded his thigh with a fierce determination. "I'm not gonna let you do this, Nathan."

Nathan laughed bitterly in response before his face sobered to meet Jimmy's steely gaze. "I thought you came out here to help us, Jimmy, to back me up. Now you're tellin' me to back down just when I get the chance to do somethin' big, somethin' important?"

Jimmy did not answer, as he became suddenly aware of the stares of the other men aimed in his direction. They had heard everything he said, and were looking at him reproachfully.

"How about you, Mr. Hickok? You gonna volunteer your services for our noble cause?"

Jimmy then turned and looked into the challenging, accusatory eyes of Foster Douglas. He didn't like the way in which his name rolled off the leader's tongue, or the insinuation in his voice. So, Jimmy's face instantly became hard, his eyes shooting shards of ice. But he said nothing, except with his cold glare.

"What's the matter, Mr. Hickok?" Douglas continued to provoke him, one eyebrow raising as if in a dare. "You afraid you can't handle the task?"

Rising to his feet, Jimmy simply said, "I ain't a coward. But I ain't stupid, neither."

With that, he spun on his heels and made his way through the men to the barn door. Before he left, though, he wheeled his head around to say some final words to Douglas. "Maybe you oughta remember these men have families at home waitin' on them, relyin' on them to protect 'em. What you're askin'...it's too much." Jimmy shook his head. "It's suicide." He turned his gaze on the other men in the barn. "And if you decide to go along with it, well, you're even bigger fools than he is."

And he walked out of the barn, the door closing behind him with a resounding thud that echoed in the still, winter air.

Jimmy was angry, so angry that he did not even notice the shadowy outline of a woman scurry off from only a few feet away from him, disappearing into a cloak of darkness.

*****

Lou had already been three-and-a-half months heavy with child before she finally confronted the Kid about being pregnant.

This morning, as with all other mornings, she was in the kitchen preparing breakfast. Rachel was helping out, partially because Lou still needed some direction with her cooking skills, and partially because the Kid was so worried and nervous about Lou taking on too much in her delicate condition. Louise rolled her eyes at the thought of his over-protectiveness, but at the same time, she knew she loved him for it.

Lou stood at the stove, watching the flapjacks brown on the griddle while Rachel was still working the dough for the biscuits. She flipped the cake onto the other side, her mind wandering off to that day when she finally worked up the courage to tell her husband that he would be a father before long.

I was nearly two weeks ago that she broke her silence, and it was mainly because Rachel had begun to suspect that Lou might be pregnant and confronted her about it. As much as she tried to hide it, her bouts of nausea and vomiting and her excessive mood swings gave her away to Rachel who had firsthand experience of what it was like to carry a baby inside.

The Kid, on the other hand, had been completely oblivious to her situation. And only after Rachel had called Lou on her secret and convinced her that she needed to tell him did Kid realize what had been going on for several long months and it all began to make sense.

*****

The day Lou was about to tell her husband the joyous news was filled with much apprehension. She still had so many questions and doubts about her impending motherhood. Whether the Kid would still consider leaving to fight for Virginia now that things in the East had escalated. Whether they would be able to afford to feed another mouth with the little money that was coming in from Kid's job as Teaspoon's deputy. Whether she herself was prepared to spend the rest of her life as a mother. So many questions, so many considerations.

All of Lou's anxieties and fears had made her especially edgy, and what started out as an attempt to free herself of this secret turned into an argument between her and Kid. Looking back on it, she didn't even know what it was about or how it started. She only remembered yelling at him at the top of her lungs over some trivial matter one moment and then crying out to him that she was going to have a baby. And the tears filled her eyes.

He looked at her with shock and confusion. "What?" he asked with disbelief.

"I'm gonna have a baby," Lou sobbed. "The way I figure it, it'll be around springtime." Her timid eyes finally met his, which were now filled with wonder. "We're gonna have a baby, Kid. You're gonna be a daddy."

The realization had hit Kid with a sudden impact. He felt his head spinning, but all he could think was that his wife was going to have a baby. "I'm gonna be a daddy?" he asked, his eyes lighting up, his mind erased of any previous argument they were having. "I'm gonna be a daddy."

Kid ran towards Lou and swept her up in his arms. She gasped with delight, all of her doubts vanishing from her mind for the time. Then he realized that he probably shouldn't be whisking her off of her feet and whirling her around so, and he gently let her down and scolded himself in the process.

"Oh, gosh," he said, "I guess I shouldn't be doin' that, huh?"

Lou couldn't help but laugh at him, though she tried to stifle it with the back of her hand. He was being the same over-protective Kid, treating her as if she were made of glass and might break. But she was so happy that he was happy, that it didn't matter. Kid's face broke into that boyish smile she loved so much, and a wonderful sense of relief washed over her.

"Wait till Teaspoon finds out," Kid grinned. "He's liable to bust a gut!"

Louise was deliriously happy, but then the old fears came back to her. Her smile faded, and her expression darkened. Kid's face fell as a result.

"What is it, Lou?" he asked in concern.

She lowered her eyes to the floor for a moment, unable to look into those azure eyes of his. "Kid," she began hesitantly, "you never did completely make up your mind about Virginia. Least if ya did, you never told me your decision."

When Louise finally looked at her husband, she was almost afraid of what he might say. But then he brought his hand to brush her cheek, lightly, and he spoke softly, "I know I might not have given you an answer before. Mostly 'cause I didn't know myself what it was gonna be, and maybe part of me was afraid I might end up tellin' ya somethin' you didn't wanna hear." He licked his lips and then continued, looking deep into her dark brown eyes. "But I'm tellin' you this. Virginia's in my heart. Probably always will be, I reckon. But it's part of who I was, not who I am. That part of my life is gone, just distant memories now."

Louise held her breath unconsciously, her heart surging with a combination of hope and fear. Then he said, "I ain't goin' back to Virginia, Lou. Not now. Not ever."

Now when Lou looked in the Kid's eyes she did not see the memory and love of his homeland burning within them. She only saw his love for her, his love for their unborn child, shining brighter than before, brighter than Virginia ever could. She was so happy she could not keep the tears from spilling from her eyes. She sunk into her husband's warm embrace and let her emotions free themselves after being shut in for so long.

Kid, too, breathed a sigh of relief as he knew that the decision he made was the right one. Up until the moment when Lou announced that she was pregnant, that he was going to be a father, his heart made up his mind for him. He couldn't return to Virginia. He wouldn't. He would stay with his wife and do everything in his power to make sure their children had a pa at home for them.

"I'll never ride off again without you, Lou," he swore to her as he massaged her back lovingly. "I promise."

"I love you, Kid," she whispered, her voice husky with emotion.

"I love you, too, Lou," Kid answered. "We'll be together always. No matter what."

And Lou was so happy; all she could do was weep in his arms.

*****

Still standing at the stove, her hand had subconsciously made its way to her slightly rounded abdomen, and she caressed it lovingly. Lou felt as if such a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders and her heart after she told Kid about the baby, and even more so after he told her that he would stay with her always.

"Louise! Louise!"

Rachel's voice calling from behind broke her out of her state of subconscious thought. And then she became acutely aware of the strong smell of something burning on the stove.

"Oh!" Lou gasped as she looked to see the flapjack she had in the fry-pan was now smoking and had turned a crispy, charcoal black.

Slightly embarrassed, she tossed the burnt cake into the waste bin and started fresh with another scoop of batter. Rachel watched on in amusement, chuckling under her breath.

*****

Jimmy stepped out of the warmth of the barn and into the cold evening air. Though the chill did nothing to cool the heat of anger he felt rising in his face and rushing through his veins.

How could Nathan be so foolish? He fumed inwardly. How could he be so quick to risk his own life, no matter how good the cause?

As much as he hated to make such a comparison, what Nathan was thinking of doing reminded Jimmy so much of his own father that he shuddered violently. His own father had gotten so carried away by his cause that he let it cloud his judgment so that nothing else mattered to him, not even his own family. And worst of all, it was his cause that had killed him and taken him away from his family forever.

Sure, Jimmy believed in abolition; he truly believed it was evil to keep other human beings in bondage. But he also believed in something stronger -- family. If he learned nothing else from his time spent working for the Pony Express, it was the importance of family. No bond as strong, nothin' more sacred, as Teaspoon once said. And he was right.

Jimmy knew he had to talk some sense into Nathan somehow. Or better yet, he'd talk to the one person who might be able to do that for him.

He headed towards his sister's house while the meeting still went on in the barn close by. He knocked on the door to announce his presence, and then he stepped inside to see Celinda and Rosemary sitting at the table talking and tending to baby William.

"Celinda, you gotta stop 'im," Jimmy said. "You gotta stop Nathan from doin' what he's plannin' on doin'."

Celinda looked at him, bewildered. "What on earth are you talkin' about, Jimmy?"

"You gotta stop Nathan from goin' to fight against those men who are plannin' to attack the safe house in Fort Leavenworth," he said with determination.

"Is that what this meeting's all about? The committee's plannin' a counter-attack?" she asked.

"All I'm sayin' is that husband o' yours is volunteerin' himself to get killed! And you gotta put a stop to it."

"Jimmy," she began, not getting riled up like he planned, "Nathan's been workin' with the vigilance committee for years now. He knows what he's doin', and I trust his judgement." Jimmy looked at her with disbelief, so she continued. "I mean, sure, I'll worry about him, but I also know there's nothin' I can do to stop him from helpin' out. He believes so strongly in the abolitionist cause, Jimmy. I thought you did, too."

He winced slightly in the sting of his sister's accusation. Jimmy's eyes traveled over to Rosemary, who stared at him with a look he couldn't quite identify. Disappointment? Hurt? Anger? Whatever it was, it certainly was not the look of understanding and support.

"I'm all for abolition, Celinda," Jimmy retorted sharply. "But I also know a suicide mission when I hear one." He shook his head. "Ain't no cause worth gettin' killed over."

Not even if it saves other human lives? Rosemary thought.

A haunting silence filled the room, and Celinda was forced to look away from the truth she saw in Jimmy's eyes. They were eyes that had seen far too much for so few years, eyes that were hardened and wary as a result of the brutality and harsh realities of life and death he had witnessed in such a short time.

Only the sound of the door opening penetrated through the thick layer of silent tension. It was Nathan. Gazing upon her husband, Celinda finally let the fear that welled in her chest every time he rode off to fight with the other abolitionists come to surface.

"Celinda," said Nathan, "I'll be headin' out with Foster and the others soon. I might not be back till late."

His wife nodded wordlessly, unable to do anything else. She saw the resolution in her husband's eyes; he would not be persuaded to do otherwise, not by Jimmy, not by her. Nathan left once more to saddle his horse and prepare his weapons for the potential battle.

Jimmy simply shook his head in disgust as he heard his brother-in-law leave the house. Then he turned towards the door as well, but a hand on his arm held him back.

"Jimmy, I want you to go with him."

Jimmy turned to look into Celinda's tear-filled, worried eyes. She was pleading with him.

"Please, Jimmy. I need you to go with him...to make sure he comes back to me. I can't be raisin' our son alone."

Following a few painful moments of silence, he told her, "I'll go saddle up my horse." His voice had faded into a raspy whisper, but his face remained stony, his eyes icy.

And then pulled away from her hold and walked out of the house, grabbing both of his gunbelts on the way out.

*****

Jimmy and Nathan rode off into the darkness along with Foster Douglas and the other members of the vigilance committee. Jimmy rode in silence, still fuming over Nathan's decision to plunge himself into a dangerous situation when he had a wife and new son to think about. Nathan eyed him suspiciously, a nervous energy heavy in the air all around them.

Fort Leavenworth was silhouetted in the distance, perched strategically high on a hill and towering over Three Mile Creek which seemed to further isolate it from the surroundings. Suddenly the reality of what they were all going up against began to seep into Nathan's brain as he and the others rode towards the safe house in the moonless night.

The men surrounded the safe house, making certain to have all sides covered though Foster Douglas informed them that, most likely, the Thornton Gang would be riding in from the west. And much to his chagrin, Jimmy and Nathan were assigned to protect the western front.

"It'll be hard to see 'em, when they come," Nathan said to Jimmy as he crouched down behind some rocks.

"Then it'll be hard for us to be seen," he replied flatly, checking his guns to make sure the chambers were completely filled. "'Sides, we got the advantage, bein' up so high. They'll be ridin' through without much cover."

"Yeah," Nathan tried to shake away his worries, doing his best to sound confident and sure. "They won't know what hit 'em."

Jimmy said nothing in response, and an eerie silence fell over all the men of the vigilance committee. Now that they were stationed and positioned for attack, all they could do was wait it out.

The time seemed to drag on unbearably slowly. The minutes seemed more like hours, and the tension was so great it weighed down heavily upon them as they sat with their eyes fixed on the horizon and guns prepared to fire at anything that moved towards them.

The waiting was really starting to get to Nathan, who was breathing heavily and perspiring uncontrollably. Jimmy did his best to steady his brother-in-law, to assure him that he would do all he could to watch his back. It helped some, but when Nathan's eye caught a shadowy movement in the distance, his eyes popped open wide, his body tensing with fear.

Jimmy, too, saw the outline of riders coming towards them, and then he felt the rumble of the earth beneath his feet, a sound like thunder growing louder and louder.

He brought a hand out to hold Nathan back, to prevent him from panicking and making his presence known to the raiders. Then Jimmy ducked even lower behind a large rock and held his gun up to eye-level, ready to fire on command.

The pounding of horses' hooves into the ground was loud and booming, echoing in Jimmy's ears and causing his heart to race with anticipation. He could feel the adrenaline coursing through his veins, running hot with both terror and exhilaration, as he heard Foster Douglas' signal to fire at the approaching riders.

Within moments, gunshots were cracking all around, the air quickly filling with the sharp, burning smell of gunpowder. The smoke drifted like clouds of fog hanging low on the earth, dissipating, then filling again with the scent of fresh shots.

"Stay down!" Jimmy shouted to Nathan, not taking his eyes off their enemies, who kept coming closer and closer with amazing speed, firing their weapons as well.

Jimmy stopped to reload his guns when both were completely empty and ducked further behind the cover of the rocks to avoid being hit. He heard the sound of men being shot all around him, of horses screaming as they were impaled by bullets and plunged to the hard ground below. He heard the frantic cries of people inside the safe house, their fates lying in the balance of the battle ensuing just beyond the walls.

He didn't know how long he remained hunched behind those rocks, firing away into the night and into the men he was supposed to hate. But before Jimmy knew it, he saw the surviving members of Thornton Gang turn their mounts around and scatter off into the distance, heading back west from whence they came.

Jimmy released his finger from the trigger of his Colt, breathing a sigh of relief as it appeared the battle had been fought and won. He turned his head towards Nathan, who looked unharmed and equally relieved.

The sound of gunshots around him had also ceased, and the men of the vigilance committee whooped and hollered with glee at their victory. Jimmy, however, saw nothing to cheer about. He shook his head with utter disgust as he rose from his spot and walked towards the dead bodies of horses and men, lying in bloodied, ragged heaps on the cold ground all around him. He wondered to himself what it was all for...if it was really worth it in the end.

His thoughts were suddenly disrupted when the sound of an approaching horse cut through the stone silence. Jimmy turned for cover as the sound grew louder. He prepared to fire, but then he held back as he realized there was only a lone rider headed their way and that he was not firing at them.

The rider flung himself from his horse, landing on his knees next to one of the men who had ridden with the Thornton Gang. He brought the dead body close to him, rocking it against his chest as if the breath of life were still within him. Then he let out a loud bellow of pain, one that seemed to echo for miles around.

Still distrustful of all southern sympathizers, the men of the vigilance committee kept their guns keenly aimed in the young man's direction. It looked like it was just the one who had returned, but they would not take the risk of being unprepared if others might soon follow.

But Jimmy's eyes were locked on the young man, whose figure and features grew more detailed the longer he stared. He was only a boy, really, crying for the loss of his father. Only when the sound of another rider reached his ears did Jimmy look away.

Riding like the devil with all his fury was Rosemary.

"Rosemary?" Jimmy cried with disbelief.

She continued to come closer and closer as if out of nowhere, her hair blowing wildly about her head and her eyes blazing with pure rage. She leaped off of her horse near where the boy was sitting, holding the body of his dead father. And then, without warning, Rosemary pulled out a derringer, which was tucked into the waistband of her split skirt, and held it up to the boy's head.

"Rosemary! No!" Jimmy called out to her, rising from behind the rocks to reveal himself.

Her eyes flashed towards him, and then at Nathan who stood just behind him. She held the boy by his collar while the other hand remained on the gun.

"No, James!" She shouted. "He's one of them!"

Jimmy approached her cautiously, knowing that if she was further provoked, it could mean the senseless death of yet another young soul.

"You don't need to do this, Rosemary," he tried to reason with her. "No one else has to get hurt." Jimmy looked at the boy, seeing the fear in his eyes as he trembled under her hold, speechless. "He's just a boy. He don't deserve to die."

Rosemary laughed bitterly at his words. "You say you're for abolition, but you don't seem willing to do what needs to be done. I guess I was wrong about you, James."

Jimmy looked at her with pure shock. He searched her eyes, trying to find the woman for whom he had left his life in Rock Creek behind. But all he saw were eyes that were cold yet burned full of hate and wrath. And he knew now the truth. Rosemary had let her own sadness and bitterness fill her with a hate so strong that it was blinding her to everything else around her, even to the fact that she was about to take the life of a boy who was probably no older than sixteen. And all for some cause.

"He's just a boy," Jimmy said, his voice a broken whisper of despair.

"She's right."

Jimmy spun around at the sound of Foster Douglas' voice.

"What?" He asked in disbelief.

Foster emerged from the shadows and spoke. "If she lets this boy go, he'll just try to take his revenge out on us later on. Then there'll be no stopping him. No. It's better to put an end to it now, to put him out of his misery."

"I don't believe this," Jimmy muttered, shaking his head. He brought his hand to his head to massage his aching temples as he shut his eyes hard to clear his mind. When he reopened them, he said, "You're talkin' 'bout killin' a boy! A boy!" He emphasized further. "This is someone's brother, some woman's son, for God's sake!"

"What we're about is bigger than the life of one boy, Hickok," Foster Douglas retorted. "We're about saving the lives of many, working and fighting for the freedom of our black brothers and sisters. And yes, killing and dying for it, if need be." He paused, seeing the anger rising in Jimmy's face. "I thought you understood that. I thought you would be more like your father in that respect. But I see now I was wrong about you."

Jimmy swallowed hard the lump that had built in his throat. He batted away the words that were meant to sting him, to provoke him. But he said nothing in response.

"Jimmy's right," Nathan said, rising from behind a large rock. He turned to his leader. "Douglas, there's already been enough pain for one night. Let it go at that."

Douglas glanced at the other men who had gathered around him. He saw that no one was going to back him up and felt a mixture of embarrassment and anger surge in his chest. After all, they had families to get home to, wives and children to live for while he had nothing home waiting for him. Nothing except his own plans of vengeance and justice for what had happened to his family. So, he simply stepped away from them, disgusted.

Jimmy spun back around to face Rosemary, who was shaking visibly.

"Rosemary," Jimmy said. He re-holstered his gun and began approaching her slowly, cautiously. He could see her face cracking under the strain of the situation, her resolve slowly melting away, and Jimmy hoped this was his chance to turn things around.

"Rosemary, you don't need to do this. No one else has to die," he told her. "Now put the gun away."

"No!" She yelled, her eyes flickering again with both hatred and fear. "It's men like him who killed Isaiah! It's men like this who took my life away from me!"

Her eyes were beginning to fill with tears, and Jimmy came nearer.

"He's not gonna hurt you, Rosemary," he said. "No one's gonna hurt you. Just put down the gun, and we can all go home."

Rosemary's face twitched, and the hand that held the four-shot derringer shook uncontrollably. It was a small weapon, yet no less deadly. Jimmy kept coming closer as non-threateningly as he could. With her state of mind, there was no telling who she might turn her gun on.

Finally, Jimmy had bridged the distance between himself and Rosemary. He took her by the arm, forcing her to release the gun into his grasp. The boy leaped on his horse after placing a final kiss goodbye on his father's cheek, and then he ran back off into the cover of night. No one fired a shot; no one rode out after him.

As Rosemary saw the utter disappointment in Jimmy's eyes, her face turned into a crumpled mess of repressed emotion and tears previously gone unshed. Soon, she was wracked by sobs as she doubled over and fell to the ground in a pitiful heap, the name Isaiah on her lips.

Jimmy found that he could do nothing but shake his head at what hate had done to the woman he thought he once loved...and at what he had almost allowed hate do to himself as well. He realized completely for the first time that the cause of abolition was not worth dying for, it was not worth killing for. He doubted if anything was. Except for family.

"Come on, Jimmy," he heard a familiar voice beside him.

Nathan had come up alongside of Jimmy and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Celinda must be worried. Let's go home."

Jimmy looked at his brother-in-law and let a slight smile form on his lips. He nodded with approval at him before glancing back down at Rosemary. One of the vigilance men, who was also a neighbor of hers, had come to see she was taken care of and that she would make it home all right.

Then Jimmy turned to Foster Douglas and the group of men of the vigilance committee, who had silently witnessed the entire episode. He paused for a moment and then spoke some final words. "You were right about one thing, Douglas. I ain't like my father."

And he turned and walked away from them...forever.

*****

Jimmy was completely disillusioned following the happenings the previous night with Foster Douglas and the abolitionists...and with Rosemary. After bringing Nathan safely home to Celinda and baby William, Jimmy spent the remainder of the night in his sister's house, unable to sleep and unable to get his mind off the senseless hate and violence he had been witness to and, sadly enough, been a part of.

It had only been just over a month since Jimmy left Rock Creek and come to Kansas, yet it seemed like a lifetime to him now. He wondered if he had made the right decision after all. But then Jimmy thought about how stagnant his life would have been in Nebraska. He would have gotten so restless it would have surely driven him crazy. No, Jimmy thought, he had to leave, but he also knew Kansas wasn't the answer to his problems. Rosemary wasn't the answer.

He sighed heavily as he rose from his sleepless rest, the rays of dawn coming up over the horizon just at it had the day before, as it had since the beginning of time. However, today the world seemed different to Jimmy somehow. A little colder, maybe. A little harder. Lonelier.

And so he decided to leave Kansas. Jimmy asked himself what he had expected to find there in the first place. Something to fill the void, he supposed, but in the end, it never did. It was good to see his sister and her family again, he admitted, but seeing what Rosemary had become was unbearable.

*****

Jimmy rode away on his palomino late that same morning after bidding farewell to Celinda, Nathan, and their young son. He even stopped along the way to see Rosemary one last time, to see if, perhaps, the woman he had grown to care for was still lurking somewhere beneath those cold, stony eyes. But when she came to door, she could not bring her eyes to meet with Jimmy's. Her face remained expressionless, a blank canvas only barely managing to conceal the pain and inner turmoil that was going on inside of her.

Jimmy knew that her troubles ran deep, and that he could not help her if she would not first help herself. He realized that it had been there all along, only he'd been too blind to see her torment, partly out his own selfishness and partly because, at the time, he didn't really want to. But Celinda had promised to look in on Rosemary from time to time, and that gave him some measure of comfort.

So he left after offering simple wishes of good luck and goodbye.

Traveling towards an unknown destination, an unknown destiny, Jimmy rode on. He rode hard and fast, ignoring the whipping winds and snow flurries that had begun to fall, signaling winter's definite arrival. He rode back west, away from Kansas and the old memories that had haunted his youth and the new ones that threatened to burn in his heart for eternity. Jimmy had to leave Kansas, but he also knew he wasn't yet ready to return to Rock Creek. The time was not right, but he hoped it would be again one day.

*****

The light snow that started falling the day before had now turned into a full-out storm. It was probably only five o'clock in the evening, but the sky was totally blacked out and the snow kept coming down harder and harder. Jimmy found himself caught in the middle of the storm, surrounded by an endless eddy of wind-tossed snowflakes which prevented him from seeing more than a couple of feet in front of him, let along make out the trail.

He relied on his horse to lead the way. It was a familiar route, one that his trusted steed probably knew better than he did himself. It was all Jimmy could do. If he stopped, he would surely freeze to death. If he kept going, at least he might reach shelter sooner.

However, he realized that after several long hours of riding and seeing no signs of a town or a way station or even a single isolated homestead that he was most certainly lost. Jimmy wondered how he could have managed to wander so far from the main path in so little time.

It seemed he could no longer shut out the bitter cold. It seeped all the way down to his bones through his clothes and heavy black wool coat, through his leather gloves and into the joints of his fingers, which were aching and stiff. Jimmy was exhausted and growing more and more disoriented as the storm eventually swept him up into its cyclone of unconsciousness...

*****

A light shone on Jimmy's face, and his eyes were forced to flutter open at the brightness. He blinked hard against the blinding light as his eyes tried to adjust. He felt his senses slowly awakening, though he was still in a state of confusion. Things were beginning to come into focus, and Jimmy realized that he was out of the storm and inside someone's house, staring up at the ceiling rafters. And the next thing Jimmy became aware of were the voices of people nearby, though he could not seem to understand their words.

"Er ist wach," said an unidentified man.

The sound of footsteps grew louder in the room where Jimmy lay, unmoving. Then he saw a young woman leaning down over him. She placed her hand on his forehead and smiled warmly before turning her head and uttering what sounded like gibberish to the man who was also in the room.

The woman's face was kind, and she wore thin wire-framed glasses similar to the ones Lou wore. Jimmy knew he had never seen her before in his life, but there was something oddly familiar about her. Her manner of dress--the all-black dress, stark white apron and cap. The sound of the strange language that rolled off of her tongue. For the time being Jimmy couldn't place it. He could barely figure out where he was or how he had gotten there. The last thing he remembered was being on his horse out in the snow. He'd gotten lost in the storm. And he'd been so cold.

The man stepped closer to the bed, coming into Jimmy's plane of view. He was past middle age and was dressed in the same foreboding black clothes as the lady. He had a beard, long and wavy.

"Sie waren krank mit fieber." The man seemed to be speaking to him, yet he could still not understand.

The woman pulled a chair up alongside of him and said in words Jimmy could comprehend, "He says that you are awake, that you were very sick with fever. You have been here for two days."

Jimmy turned his neck as his eyes scanned the room. He appeared to be in someone's kitchen. He was lying on a cot near a stove; he could feel the warmth it radiated on his skin. He wriggled his fingers and toes beneath the heavy blankets covering him as if checking to see that they were still there. But Jimmy still looked befuddled as he spun his gaze back to the woman sitting by him.

"Where am I?" he asked, his voice raspy and his lips parched.

She smiled again. "You're safe now. Just save your strength, Mister. I'm Katherine and this is my father Joseph. He found you outside in the snow two days ago. You were delirious with fever, but it looks like you will be strong once more with time and plenty of rest."

"Er ist ein frenda," the man said solemnly. He is an outsider.

"Aber wir sollten ihm irgendwie helfen," she turned and said to him before he walked out of the kitchen. But we should help him anyway.

When Katherine faced Jimmy again, she saw the question in his eyes before he even got the words past his lips. She laughed lightly. "You are wondering why we talk so strange, yes? We usually speak Deutsche to each other--German. It is uncommon for outsiders to be amongst us," she added.

"Outsiders?" He wondered, his brow creasing low to his eyes.

"Yes, you see the Bruder--"

Katherine was interrupted by the creak of the front door opening followed by the sound of footsteps and then another woman's voice. She swiveled around to see who was there.

"Katherine, rumor has it you have ein frenda in your house."

The visitor made her way into the kitchen when she saw Katherine. But when she looked beyond her friend to the face of the man in cot, the look of curiosity melted in one of disbelief...and recognition.

She studied his face for several moments, his dark, handsome features, his long brown hair and smoky gray eyes, attempting to figure out if she was seeing this man as he really was, or simply seeing a mirage of some other from the past. She continued to stare dumbly at him, as he did at her. Then she realized that it truly was him. Only one man she'd ever known had eyes like that; they were unmistakable. Her hands came up to her mouth, and her eyes went wide with shock.

"James Hickok." The words slipped from her mouth effortlessly and unconsciously, leaving Katherine completely puzzled and Jimmy utterly dazed.

Blinking hard, he pushed down a lump in throat and muttered, "Alice?"

*****

"Alice." Jimmy echoed quietly. "I can't hardly believe it."

"I know," she replied, trying to stop the racing of her heart inside her chest.

"Kennen sich sie?" Katherine asked Alice, a slightly baffled expression on her face. Do you know each other?

"James was here once before, Katherine," she began explaining. "He had been shot in the shoulder while defending us against some of the townspeople. He helped us." Alice smiled fondly at the memory, at the way Jimmy had, in the end, been like a savior to the Peacemakers by proving to the town of James Creek that the strange people with their odd ways meant no harm.

"Seems I'm developin' a habit of turnin' up here," Jimmy said, wincing as he tried to pull himself to a seated position on the cot.

Alice quickly came to his side, gently forcing him to lie back down. "Don't, James Hickok. You need your rest. Katherine and her father will take good care of you here."

Jimmy smiled at her and nodded as he laid his head back against the softness of the pillow, his hair splaying all about. "I always did like the way you called me by my full name."

Dropping her gaze from his, Alice felt a blush creeping up into her cheeks. A strange silence passed between them, though it was not an uncomfortable one. Katherine sensed it in the air, so she excused herself from the kitchen, tossing Alice a knowing glance on the way out.

Now alone, Alice moved to occupy the chair once filled by Katherine next to Jimmy's bed. She said nothing to him, however, and his eyes followed her as she moved closer to him.

Jimmy could see more clearly now the contours of her features, the soft pink skin of her cheeks, the brilliance of her eyes, and the peaceful expression that always shone on her face. He hadn't realized until that moment how much he'd ached for her and how comforted he always felt when she was near. Jimmy only spent a week in the Bruderhof that one time, but it left an impression on his heart and his memory that defied the brief stay.

Still bathed in silence, Jimmy reached his hand out from beneath the heavy woolen blanket and laid it atop Alice's, which rested in her lap. She seemed startled at first by his touch, but then she gazed into his eyes and a smile grew on her lips. She held onto his hand firmly, yet soothingly, and reached the other hand to brush aside a strand of Jimmy's dark hair that had gone astray in front of his forehead.

"Alice..." he began, before she silenced him with her index finger.

"Shhhh. Rest easy, James Hickok," she whispered, her voice a delicate, lulling sound.

"Will you be here when I wake up?" Jimmy asked in a tentative, almost childlike manner, needing assurance of her presence.

Alice smiled and nodded. "I will be here."

And Jimmy expelled a heavy sigh as his lids became like lead, shutting everything out. However, the face of Alice remained burned in his mind as he drifted off into sleep.

*****

"Good morning, sleepyhead," Alice teased as Jimmy's eyes blinked open.

He groaned and stretched as best he could, slowly feeling his strength renewing itself, though he knew it would be a while before he was back in prime form.

"How long was I asleep?" he asked.

"You slept most of yesterday afternoon and all through the night," Alice told him. "But I can see it has done you good. You're fever is gone as well."

"I do feel much better. I think I'd like to sit up now."

Alice helped Jimmy as he lifted his torso so that he was in a seated position. He moved his legs out from under the covers, letting them dangle over the edge of the cot so his toes could feel the cool, hardwood floor beneath him.

"I believe the color is coming back to your face," Alice said before turning to the stove to remove a pot of fresh coffee to pour for Jimmy.

When she turned back to face Jimmy with the steaming cup in hand, she noticed the odd way in which he was staring at her. She could feel her heart fluttering again the way it had when she had first seen him that day at the river about two years ago. She had been in the middle of the ceremony to baptize her into the Peacemaker's community, taking an oath to live the straight and narrow path, to never stray. Jimmy had been sitting high atop his horse, the sun glinting on his skin and shining with highlights on his dark hair. Alice's breath had caught in her throat when she saw him and the way he was looking at her. And then the trouble came when the men in town circled around them, attacking. She often wondered what would have happened if they hadn't.

Alice slowly returned to the present despite Jimmy's eyes drawing her into the past. He took the coffee from her, and she sat back down beside him while he drank the hot liquid.

Alice fidgeted somewhat nervously as she sat, her mind buzzing with questions. She was usually so quiet and calm, and she hoped that she was not as transparent as she felt. But finally, she could not hold back wanting to know.

"How is it we have come to meet again, James Hickok?"

He finished a gulp of coffee before answering her. "Well, I was on my way back from Kansas. I got caught in the storm. That's the last thing I remember before I woke up here."

"And you were on your way back home? To your friends and family?" Alice wondered.

Jimmy's head lowered, and he shook his head sadly. "No. I guess you could say I ain't got a home no more. But I'm lookin' for a place where I belong."

"You did not find what you were looking for in Kansas?" She asked.

Jimmy shook his head again. "I thought I did at first. But it wasn't long before I realized I just added another wrong choice to a list that's grown so long I can't seem to tell where it all began. Things I thought I believed in...people I thought I believed in...I'm not so sure I believe in anymore. Least not the way I thought I did. Now I ain't so sure what I believe. I guess you could say I'm a lost soul...a lost cause."

"No," Alice shook her head. "No one is ever a lost cause, and definitely not you, James Hickok."

After a moment of pause, he raised his eyes up to Alice once more, searching, hoping. "Maybe I was brought here for a reason."

"The Peacemakers like to believe everything happens for a reason," she answered.

Jimmy continued, "They say, 'Lightnin' don't strike twice.' Seems to me it has, with me bein' here again...seein' you again...Maybe I best heed the warnin'."

Alice felt herself melting under the intensity of Jimmy's stare. It seemed to penetrate down to the core of her being. But she tried hard to quell the feelings she had stirring in her breast and pulsing through her veins. She knew she could not allow herself to feel for Jimmy what she'd felt for him at one time. Alice had told him once before that it was impossible...them being together. But now it truly was.

"Ahhh! I see our patient is awake," Katherine said, having come into the kitchen almost unnoticed.

"Yes," Alice nodded as she spun around to face the woman who was about the same age as she.

"And soon Peter will be back, ja?" Katherine spoke absentmindedly as she stoked the fire in the tiny stove.

Alice's face dropped instantly at her words.

"Who's Peter?" Jimmy asked, not certain he wanted to really know the answer.

Turning back to him, Alice said solemnly, "He is the man I am going to marry."

Jimmy felt his heart fall to the floor and shatter into a million pieces.

*****

The words punctured Jimmy's soul like a thousand knives, killing off any spark of hope that remained in him for a future for himself and Alice. He knew immediately that he had been foolish to think such a thing to begin with, especially after what he'd gone through with Rosemary. He should know better than to allow his hopes to get so high.

After all, here he was, back in the Peacemakers' community after such a long absence. He had not even seen, let alone spoken, to Alice in all that time. Jimmy knew he had no right to believe that she still had any feeling for him in her heart. However, this fact still did not help the hurt he felt.

"When...when are you gettin' married?" He questioned, not knowing why since he really didn't care. Alice was marrying someone else.

"We will be married in the spring," she said plainly, diverting her eyes from the pain she saw in his.

Jimmy found that he could say nothing more. He had no words, for the disappointment that was welling within him was so great.

Katherine sensed that Alice and Jimmy should be alone, so she left, saying, "I must go tend to some things upstairs."

Her departure was hardly noticed as Jimmy and Alice sat deep in their own thoughts. And only when Alice saw fit to speak, was the silence broken.

"Peter is a good man, James," she told him. "You mustn't be angry with me."

Looking into her soulful eyes, Jimmy realized that he could not be angry with Alice. He, too, knew things were not meant to be between them. They lived completely different lives; they were two different kinds of people. She believed in peace and lived her life serving her God and her people with a calm contentment had by few. Jimmy, on the other hand, believed in the gun, not because he wanted to, but because he had to. He lived his life in constant worry of what will be sneaking up on him next. Never a moment's rest would he have.

"Do you love him?" Jimmy could not help but wonder.

Alice leaned in, touching his hand gently and reassuringly. "Yes, James Hickok. I love him. It is my choice to marry...my wish. I am very happy."

Forcing a smile for her sake, he clasped Alice's smooth hand in his. "Then I'm happy for you, too, Alice. Really, I am."

"Thank you. Just remember: you will always be in my heart, James Hickok. No matter what."

She smiled a radiant smile, and Jimmy knew that it was true. The peaceful look that shone on Alice's face was like a balm to his soul, healing the wounds of his heart.

"We will be the best of friends," said Alice.

"Yeah. Friends." Jimmy nodded and smiled, this time for real, knowing that her friendship would be enough.

*****

Jimmy remained in the Bruderhof for several weeks, and eventually, he felt all his strength had returned. He was feeling stronger and happier than he had in such a long while. He hadn't felt this good since before the Express ended, and he knew Alice was mostly responsible. Being there with Alice, with their friendship rekindled, Jimmy was getting better and better all the time, not just physically, but spiritually.

Jimmy and Alice fell once more into an easy companionship, any tension about the strong feelings they held for each other vanishing completely. They were the best of friends, as Alice said, and Jimmy felt as if he could finally open up and pour all of the troubles he'd kept buried inside. Jimmy had confessed the pain he initially felt when Lou had married the Kid, though he admitted that the two of them were meant to be together. All the while, Alice was the attentive listener, constantly serving as a source of comfort and peace. He also told her about the deaths of Ike and Noah, letting out all the grief he never showed to anyone, and it was a great relief to him.

In this time, Jimmy also helped around the community as much as he could, feeding the animals, making small repairs, doing whatever he could to feel of use. He saw some familiar faces from the first time he happened upon the Peacemakers along with many new ones who had joined shortly after the church was erected. He saw Jacob, otherwise known as Grandfather, who still considered Jimmy as part of the family after all he'd done to help them when it seemed the town of James Creek was hell-bent on destroying the Peacemaker community. Because of this, Jimmy was permitted to stay in the Bruderhof for as long as he wished. He made no promises, gave no definite answers, but the offer was appreciated nonetheless.

*****

Christmas had come and gone without Jimmy even stopping to take notice. He had been too busy running -- running away from Rock Creek, from Kansas, from his past...from himself. But now, Jimmy felt he wasn't running away anymore. He still knew his future was uncertain, and there were many questions still waiting to be answered. However, for the time being, it did not seem as pressing for him to race off into the unknown looking for his destiny and his answers.

It was another cold, yet sunny day. The snow had stopped falling, but winter was far from being over. Alice and Jimmy walked in the snow-covered pastures, enjoying the sunshine and crisp, fresh air. They didn't talk; they were simply enjoying each other's presence and company in a rare moment away from chores or worship.

Jimmy strode alongside her, stealing a quick glance at her before speaking. "Peter is a good man."

Turning to face him, Alice smiled, her cheeks pretty and rosy from the cold. "Yes, he is."

"I have to admit, I didn't want to like him at first. I wanted to hate him, despise him. But I couldn't. I know he'll make you happy," he said with a great deal of sincerity.

"Thank you, James. It means so much to me to hear you say that."

Jimmy suddenly felt a bit shy under her gaze. "Well, it's the truth."

"I happen to know he's very fond of you as well," Alice confessed. "You two have a lot more in common than you may realize."

Intrigued at the tone of her voice, Jimmy stopped and asked, "Really? How's that?"

"I think I'll save that for Peter to tell."

Hand in hand, the two friends continued to walk as the sun immersed them its brilliant light.

*****

Later that evening following supper, Jimmy and Peter strolled outside into the moonlit night and sat on the front porch of the house where Alice stayed until she got married. Peter lit up his pipe, offering it to Jimmy, who chose to turn it down.

Peter was a tall, muscular man with broad shoulders, probably around thirty years old. He had work-worn hands and a face that told many tales of hardship just by looking at it. Not particularly handsome, he did have a quiet dignity about him that drew Jimmy to him and made him trust and like the man in spite of himself. He was a calm man -- thoughtful and contemplative. He used his words sparingly, but meaningfully. Jimmy knew this was the Peacemaker way, and in his time among them, he had grown strangely accustomed to it.

Jimmy decided to begin the conversation while Peter puffed on his pipe heartily, staring off into the distant beyond.

"Alice mentioned you and me have some things in common," Jimmy began. "I s'pose she means other than the fact we both fell in love with her."

Peter laughed at the comment, as did Jimmy, having been informed of everything that had happened between Jimmy and Alice, including their short period of courting, their deep feelings and strong friendship. And Peter did not hold any of this against him, much to Jimmy's relief, because he knew he had Alice's heart and would soon have her hand in marriage.

"James, you may not realize this, but I was not always so devoted to God." Seeing Jimmy's confusion, he continued. "Like Alice, I was not born into the Peacemakers. I only came to be baptized four years ago. Before that, my life was everything but what the Peacemakers believe and stand for."

Peter paused for a moment while he took another puff from his pipe, the bittersweet smell of tobacco wafting all around. "You see, James, much of my younger days were spent living life by the gun."

He glanced down at Jimmy's waist, where he kept his pair of Navy Colts strapped on as if they were an extension of him. Though Jimmy had once hung up his guns for a brief period while staying with the Peacemakers the first time, he found himself unable to this time. It seemed that everyone had chosen to accept that, even Alice, because they knew he could only hang up his guns when he was fully ready and willing to. It could not be forced upon him.

"What happened?" Jimmy wondered.

"Me and my younger brother were left on our own at an early age. Smallpox claimed our parents. We had no other family to speak of. But we managed to scrape out a living, taking on odd jobs here or there, pick-pocketing for the rest. By the time I was fifteen I had enough money to buy my first gun, and I practiced whenever I could. I never realized I'd actually have to use it."

Peter continued telling his story, staring off into the dark horizon and growing more and more lost in memories. Jimmy listened intently.

"Not long after, my brother was caught trying to steal a man's wallet in a saloon. The man shot and killed him dead."

"I'm sorry," Jimmy whispered.

Peter did not seem to hear Jimmy as the past kept firm hold of him. "He was only thirteen years old, and me, being the older brother, wanted nothing more than to avenge his murder. I called this man -- his name was Nichols -- out to a gunfight. At that point, I didn't care if I lived or died. He laughed at me, of course, but when I fired at him, he finally took me serious. So we took it out to the street. He was a much faster draw than me, but I managed to avoid getting hit in the chest. I still took a nasty shot to the right shoulder before the marshal came out and stopped Nichols from firing again. I must have passed out, because the next thing I remembered was waking up in the doctor's office in town. By then Nichols was long gone."

"I spent the next ten years honing my skills as a gunfighter, searching every town west of the Mississippi for Nichols so I could repay him for killing my brother. I looked in every saloon, every jail, every whorehouse...consorted with every kind of low-life, getting into more trouble than I'd like to admit. It was a lonely and desperate time. I'd let my own hate and vengeance eat at me for so long that I might as well have been dead."

After a few long moments of silence, Jimmy asked, "Did you ever find him?"

Peter sighed loudly. "Oh, I found him. Just when I thought he'd disappeared off the face of the Earth, I found him in some washed-out dance hall outside Abilene. Only by then, he was an old man who didn't remember me or my brother from Adam. I killed him anyway. He didn't even have a chance."

"I'd thought killing Nichols would make everything right again...that it would make all the hurt go away." Peter shook his head sadly. "But I couldn't have been more wrong. My brother was still dead, and nothing could ever bring him back. And what's worse was I finally realized just how much of my own life I'd wasted letting this hate consume me. When I killed Nichols, I didn't feel the satisfaction I thought I would. I only felt empty."

"How did you come across the Peacemakers?" Jimmy inquired, completely riveted by this tale. He was hardly able to believe Peter was talking about himself, for the man in his story definitely did not seem like the same man sitting next to him now.

"For ten years, my only reason for living was to find Nichols and make him pay. After that was over, I felt there was not much reason to go on. So I drifted from place to place, not caring whether or not I lived or died. I hadn't eaten in days, and I was nearly delirious when I wandered onto a farm in western Missouri. I thought I was dying when I heard a strange chanting in the distance. I followed the sound as it grew louder and louder, and it lead me to a barn. When I came to the barn, I collapsed as I pushed the doors open. Inside, there were dozens of people -- the Peacemakers -- praying and singing hymns. But all I knew was I surely was hearing the voice of God.

"It all changed for me from that moment on," Peter continued, finally looking Jimmy in the eye. "I can't quite explain it, but something inside me changed. I'd wanted to die, and then, I suddenly knew I had to live. It was God and these people. It was love that took the place of the hate and fear and emptiness that was all I'd known for so long. I was being given a second chance at life, and I chose to accept it."

"You put down the gun, after all those years," acknowledged Jimmy.

Peter nodded. "It wasn't easy, especially not at first. But the longer I stayed among the Peacemakers, and the stronger my faith became, the less I felt the need to strap it back on. Eventually, it just felt natural not having it at all. And I felt whole again for the first time since my brother was killed.

"I was baptized a year after I wandered onto Peacemaker land. A few years later, our community joined with Alice's, which is when we met. She'd heard the stories of my life before laying down the gun, but she said she only saw me for the man I am now. I couldn't help but fall in love with her."

Jimmy smiled slightly and nodded in agreement. "I know what you mean. She has a way of seein' a man for the good that's in him...when others would only see the guns and the lies. It's hard not to love someone who makes you believe you're better than most people think." He dropped his gaze for a moment, his face turning grim. "I only wish things could work out like that for me, but I got too many ghosts shadowin' me...too many men waitin' for their chance to take 'Wild Bill' down. It's like I don't even have a choice."

"But there is always a choice, James Hickok," Peter told him. "And there is always a path to redemption, but it's different for all of us. For me it was through God. For someone else, it might be through the love of a good woman. But you need to find it for yourself, James. It's a choice that only you can make. And it is a choice -- whether or not you want to even be redeemed at all. Whether you want to go on being afraid of what's coming up from behind. Or whether you are willing to take the chance and risk living the kind of life you want to live, and not let anything else serve as an excuse not to."

He took a deep breath, the cold night air seeping into his lungs. Never before had the words flowed so freely off his tongue as they did tonight. Among the Peacemakers, words were not to be spent freely; they were not to be wasted. But in this case, they were being put to good use.

Peter rose from his seat next to Jimmy on the porch and began walking back towards the front door, pipe in hand. However, before he went inside, he gave some final words of advice for Jimmy to contemplate. "You have to choose what you are willing to live for, James, what you are going to cling to -- your God, your woman, your family...or your gun."

*****

Jimmy remained outside on the porch long after Peter went back to join the others. Everything that was said to him left his mind racing and full of questions. No one had ever said such things to him before. It was a powerful, eye-opening stun to the senses.

Is Peter right, Jimmy wondered. Did he really have a choice in the path his life was taking? Was he simply using all the bad things that happened to him as an excuse to keep living by the gun just because he wasn't willing to put it down? Was the choice truly his to make?

So deep in thought was Jimmy that he did not hear Alice step onto the porch until she spoke. "Did you and Peter have a nice talk?"

"He told about how he came to give up the gun," he replied. "And about how he came to know you."

Alice smiled and sat down next to him on the bench. She wrapped her shawl tightly around her shoulders to ward off the night chill. She kept smiling that peaceful, knowing smile of hers, though she remained silent, waiting for Jimmy to speak first.

"I don't know, Alice. Peter makes it sound so simple," Jimmy sighed. "He gave up the gun, so why can't I? It should be such an easy choice, shouldn't it?"

Alice saw the pleading shine plainly in Jimmy's eyes. He desperately wanted answers to the questions he had long struggled with, long before his conversation with Peter. "Only you can know when the time is right for you to make the choice, James Hickok. 'To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.'"

Jimmy smiled at Alice's quoting of scripture, for though he knew little of the Bible, he was familiar with that famous passage. He even added one of his own. "Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God."

"You remembered," Alice said, nearly blushing.

When Jimmy first came to the Bruderhof, he had asked Alice why they called themselves the Peacemakers. That was her answer.

His smile faded, and was replaced by a look of tremendous admiration and respect...and love. "I remember everythin' you've ever said to me, Alice. I'll always remember."

*****

The time went by, and soon the snow seemed to disappear along with the last remnants of winter. The days grew longer and warmer as the first signs of spring brought with it the hope of rebirth and new life. There would be new life in nature all around, as well as a new life for Kid and Louise McCloud.

Louise was in the beginning of her eighth month now, and was looking forward to the day when the baby would finally be out of her womb. The last month had been extremely difficult for her, and the doctor worried about her being able to handle carrying a child full term with her narrow hips and small frame. She began showing signs of elevated blood pressure and fatigue, so the doctor put her on strict bed rest until the time the baby would come. He was afraid that any excessive movement or strain on Lou's body might induce an early labor or that she might, heaven forbid, lose the baby.

Kid kept watch over his wife whenever he could, and Rachel took over when he had work or other business that could not be avoided. But he was a nervous wreck. He had been so worried that he decided that he and Lou would stay in Rachel's house until after the baby was born, and then they could look for a place of their very own and begin work on raising horses and building their dreams. But Kid knew he had to see her through this, no matter what.

*****

"Kid! Kid!"

He was awakened by the sound of his wife screaming in agony in the bed next to him. It was a sound Kid had dreaded hearing ever since he learned that Lou was not fairing well with the pregnancy.

"What is it Lou?" He asked frantically. "Is it the baby? It's not due for another month!"

"I don't know, Kid," Lou cried. "Somethin' ain't right. I...I..."

The next thing he knew, Kid looked and saw that his wife had passed out mid-sentence. He felt her forehead, and she was covered in sweat and burning up with fever. She lay so still he almost feared for the worst.

Meanwhile, Rachel had heard the shouting and ran to their bedroom. "What is it, Kid?"

"Go get the doctor, Rachel!" Kid whipped his head to the woman in the doorway and hollered without hesitation. "Hurry!"

*****

The doctor closed the door to the bedroom behind him as he walked back into the hallway where Kid, Rachel, and Teaspoon waited eagerly to be made aware of what was happening to Lou and her unborn child.

"Doc, you gotta tell me what's goin' on!" Kid said, practically accosting the doctor.

The doctor wiped his forehead with a white linen handkerchief and sighed loudly. "Louise has a condition that is known as toxemia. It causes her blood pressure to rise very high. The strain on her body from the baby is great, and her heart is working too hard."

"What does this mean?" Kid asked.

"It means I have no other choice but to induce labor and deliver the baby."

"But it's only been eight months," Rachel gasped. "What about the baby?"

"If I do, it means the baby could die," the doctor told them. "But if I don't, it means the mother and baby will both die. And this fever that Louise has picked up is making matters even more complicated, so I need to act fast."

Realizing that he had no other alternative, Kid nodded, looking downcast, and said, "Do what you gotta do, Doc. Please, just try to save 'em both."

The doctor nodded as well and placed a firm hand on the young man's shoulder. "I'll do my best, son." Then he turned to Rachel. "Rachel, I'll need your help. First, put on some pots of water to boil, and get me lots of clean towels."

Rachel hurried downstairs while the doctor disappeared back into the room where Louise lay. He closed the door, but before he did, Kid caught a glimpse of his wife lying in the bed. She looked so small, so helpless. He had never seen her looking so weak before. Not in all the time that he'd known her. And for the first time in a long while, he was truly afraid that she might die. But he wouldn't let her die, he thought with determination. He couldn't.

A few minutes later, the doctor came back out into the hallway.

"I gave her something to help with the pain, and as soon as Mrs. Dunne is back with the hot water, I'll proceed," he said.

"Can I go in and see her?" Kid asked, his face as white as a ghost. "I just need to be with her."

The doctor nodded and started heading downstairs to help Rachel bring up the heavy pots of water.

"I can't let her die, Teaspoon," Kid told the older man before he walked into the bedroom. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost her."

"Doc'll do everything he can, Kid," Teaspoon tried to comfort him. "Louise is a strong young woman. If anyone can make it through this, she can."

Kid simply nodded as he approached his beloved wife, hoping with every ounce of his soul that Teaspoon was right.

*****

Lou writhed in obvious pain as Kid sat by her bedside, stroking her fevered brow with one hand and clasping her swollen, clammy hand in his other. He felt the tears stinging the back of his eyes as he pressed her hand to his lips, and soon he could not contain them as they spilled the brim of his eyelids.

"Please, Lou," he pled with her. "You gotta make it through this. You just gotta."

By now the fever had taken hold of her fragile body, and Lou mostly made incoherent sounds and uttered muffled words. Kid kept wondering what was taking the doctor so long as her pain seemed to be growing by the minute. But then, Kid saw her eyes flutter open; she struggled with even that littlest movement. Louise looked up into the eyes of her husband sitting above her, and for the briefest of moments, she appeared to be normal.

Her voice sounded cognizant when she murmured to him, "I need to see Jimmy, Kid. If...if I don't make it..."

"Shhh," Kid hushed her, attempting to push back his tears and show a brave face for his wife. "I don't want to hear you talkin' like that."

Louise grabbed onto his hand with all the strength she could muster. She spoke to him with her eyes passionate and strong. "If I don't make it, Kid, make sure the baby does. But I need to see Jimmy again. He needs us."

"Don't try to talk now, Lou. You need to save your strength."

Even in her present state, she would hear none of it. Lou would have her say even if it killed her. She swallowed hard, preparing to speak once more. "Promise me, Kid. Promise me you'll bring Jimmy home. He needs us..."

Her voice drifted off into nothingness in the still air of the room. Her eyes slowly shut, and her grip loosened on Kid's hand as it fell to the bed with fever and exhaustion.

"I promise, Lou," he whispered, though he wondered if she even heard him. "Oh, God, I love you!"

Kid choked on his words as he laid his head on the pillow next to hers and sobbed, still holding her hand, while she drifted back into sleep. He only let go when the doctor came back upstairs with the steaming water and led him out of the room.

Once out of the room, Kid said, "Teaspoon, I got a favor to ask."

*****

The day when Alice and Peter would be married was quickly approaching. The Peacemaker women had been working on last minute details and modifications to Alice's dress for the past few days while Peter and the men worked on making his house ready for his new bride. Jimmy felt very much a part of the preparations and the coming wedding, as the Peacemakers accepted him as part of their family...well, almost. He was still an outsider in many eyes, but they also knew he was not to be feared.

The time seemed to go by so quickly for Jimmy. It seemed not so long ago that he had left Rock Creek to go to Kansas, yet it was many months ago. It had been the beginning of winter then, and now, spring was in full bloom. The change in seasons was the only indicator of the passage of time.

During his stay among Alice and the Peacemakers, Jimmy still never completely felt that sense of restlessness leave him. While some of his old unanswered questions and doubts about himself and his life vanished, new ones came in to take their place. Now Jimmy spent a lot of time analyzing the choices he faced, seeing them, for once, as choices that he could impact, and not just blindly accept as predestination.

Peter's words had echoed in Jimmy's brain ever since that night out on the porch several months ago. What did he want to live for, he asked himself. How was he going to live the rest of his life? Most of the time, he figured he wanted to live simply because he did not want to die. And because he did not want to die, he was willing to kill for it. This answer might have satisfied many men, and even Jimmy at one time, but lately, he found it inadequate. He knew he needed something more.

In the beginning, he thought Alice could be his salvation, even though she would soon belong to another man. She did have a tremendous impact on Jimmy, however, and she made him see some things more clearly than he had in a long time, as did Peter. If nothing else, he knew that he had to return to Kansas to finally make peace with his dead father. But for now, it seemed all Jimmy could do was wait for the right time when he would know the answers to his questions and could make the choice about the direction his life would take.

*****

"You're lookin' more and more beautiful every day, Alice."

She smiled at him, her cheeks turning a pretty shade of pink. "Thank you, James Hickok."

"It won't be long now till you're Mrs. Peter Youngston. I know Peter can't wait for the day." Jimmy sent her a slightly wicked grin that only resulted in the color of her cheeks deepening. "Can't say as I blame him."

"I can't tell you how happy I am that you will be here for our wedding," she said.

"I'm just glad to be a part of it."

The two of them continued walking in the fields where the grass grew tall and green. It rustled softly as the hem of Alice's black skirt brushed by. She carried a basket on her arm, filled with a colorful array of wildflowers she was collecting to use as decorations for the wedding ceremony.

Jimmy stopped and bent down to pick a single daisy that he spotted out of the corner of his eye. It had a crisp whiteness about it -- a simply purity -- that reminded him of Alice. He headed back over to where she now stood and tucked it in her hair just behind her ear. They shared a wordless smile that only true friends could share, and began walking again.

They continued along, picking up more bunches of flowers as they saw them. Only when Jimmy and Alice heard the sound of horse's hoofs approaching from behind was the quiet sanctity of the moment disrupted.

Peter rode up to them on horseback and then jumped down out of the saddle when he was only feet away.

"James," he began, his lungs gasping for air. "This letter came for you. It looks important."

Jimmy took the letter from Peter's hand, flipping it over to see the address from where it came. Looking up, he said, "It's from my sister, Celinda, in Kansas. I wrote her a while ago lettin' her know I was here in case she needed to reach me."

He ripped open the envelope as fast as his trembling fingers could tear through the paper. Inside, there was a telegram. He unfolded the paper to read it. He glanced at it quickly and realized he was too flustered to read it.

Handing it to Alice, he said, "I...I can't. Here. Read it to me. Please."

She did as requested.

"DEAR JIMMY stop LOU IS VERY SICK stop SHE WANTS YOU TO COME HOME stop SHE'S ASKING FOR YOU stop WE DON'T KNOW IF SHE WILL MAKE IT stop PLEASE COME HOME JIMMY stop SHE NEEDS YOU stop ALWAYS FAMILY stop KID"

Alice looked up from the telegram and saw a tortured look on Jimmy's face. "You must go, James. Your family needs you."

"But your wedding..." he said absently, his mind still racing with the news of Lou being so ill -- so ill that she might possibly die. He couldn't even imagine such a thing.

Alice made a deliberate movement that seemed almost out of character when she took a stop towards Jimmy and grabbed his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. "Never mind about me and the wedding. You must go. It is time, James Hickok."

Jimmy knew in his heart that she was right. It was time, he thought. Time to face the people he'd ran away from. Time to face himself. The choice was there for him to make. The chance was there for him to redeem himself and make things right, even if only in a small way. And he was going to take that chance.

Teaspoon had been right about a lot of things in his time, but never so much as he was when he said those words as the Pony Express was ending and the lives of Jimmy and his family were being tossed by the winds of change.

Maybe Jimmy would never give up the gun, but in that instant, he also knew he would not give up on his family. Not when they needed him. Not when he needed them more.

Feeling a renewed sense of purpose, Jimmy covered Alice's hand, which still rested on his face, with his own. He smiled at her and her eternal wisdom.

"To everything there is a season," he whispered, as she felt the warmth of tears on her cheek. "You'll make a beautiful bride. I'll always remember you, Alice."

She said nothing to him. No words were needed. And with one long last look of goodbye, Jimmy let go of Alice and hopped onto the horse behind Peter. Alice remained behind, watching as Jimmy rode out of sight towards the main house to prepare to leave...to prepare to go back and rejoin his family who needed him.

*****

The evening sun shone down on the lone rider as he urged his palomino to move faster. It seemed James Butler Hickok had traveled this path before. Only then he had been running away, and now he was running to. He let pure adrenaline dictate his every move and guide him along the familiar road. Leaning his body forward to decrease the wind resistance, he rode towards his destination, feeling a wonderful certainty that he was doing the right thing.

Jimmy rode hard and fast for the remainder of the day and even after the sun had fallen completely behind the horizon. He was determined to arrive in Rock Creek as quickly as humanly possible. Lou was calling for him. She needed him, and he would not let her down.

It had been dark for hours when Jimmy finally saw the lights and street fires of the town of Rock Creek guiding him along the last leg of his journey. Within minutes, he pulled his horse to a stop outside the building where he'd spent some of the best times of his life. After dismounting and securing the reins, he took a deep breath and stepped up onto the porch of the house. He thought first about knocking, his fist already raised, but then he simply took off his hat and turned the knob to open the door.

A strange sensation washed over Jimmy when he crossed over the threshold into the parlor. It felt as if he were leaving a part of himself behind -- a part he wanted to leave behind. And it gave him relief to know that taking this step had not been so hard as he thought it would be.

He looked around the room and saw that it was empty. A single lantern bathed the room in a soft orange glow. Hat in hand, Jimmy slowly walked up the steps in search of his family.

The steps creaked beneath his heavy boots as he neared the landing. He was about to call out to make his presence known when he heard a high-pitched shriek around the corner followed by footsteps. Mounting the final step, Jimmy turned and saw the figure of Kid coming into view, and in his arms was the source of the crying. It was a tiny baby.

Jimmy looked at Kid, and then at the perfect bundle in his arms. It was obvious from the first moment that the child belonged to Kid and Lou. It had the eyes of its father and the pretty, delicate features of its mother. He marveled at the tiny, new life that Kid and Lou had created together in their love. It surely was a miracle, and he was speechless, not only at the baby, but at the sight of the man holding it. It felt like lifetimes ago that Jimmy had last seen his friend, even though at that point, they hadn't acted much like friends.

Silence surrounded the two of them as they stood staring at each other, and all the unspoken words and apologies suddenly did not need to be said anymore.

Kid finally broke the silence when he smiled with a joy that was bittersweet and said, "I'd like you to meet your nephew. Jimmy, this is James."

Jimmy was stunned when he heard that the Kid had named his child after him. His eyes went wide with shock and gratitude. He closed the distance even further between him and Kid, and reached a hand out gently to touch the baby's warm, soft head. A radiant grin split his face; he was moved more than he could ever say.

The look faded when he glanced back up at Kid's face and tentatively asked, "How's Lou?"

"She's not well, Jimmy," Kid sighed, his voice heavy with sadness. Jimmy could immediately see the strain evident on his face -- his sleep-deprived eyes filled with worry, the deeper lines creased in his forehead. "The doctor had to deliver the baby early, and now she's got a bad case of influenza. Carryin' the baby made her very weak, and he's worried she can't fight off the sickness."

"Can I see her?" Jimmy simply asked.

Kid nodded. "She's asleep now, but go on in."

Jimmy turned his back and walked towards the room where Lou lay fighting for her life. Before he vanished out of view, Kid called back after him, "Jimmy." He spun back around to look into the eyes of his friend. "I know it means a lot to Lou that you came."

"Sure, Kid," Jimmy replied.

"It means a lot to me that you came," he added.

"You know I'd do anythin' to help her," Jimmy told him. "The same goes for you, too."

Without another word, Jimmy disappeared into the bedroom, feeling a heavy weight from his heart lifted.

*****

Jimmy just sat by Lou's bedside while she slept in her feverish state. She was a ghostly shade of white, with an almost-greenish tint to it when the candlelight hit the contours of her face. He'd never seen her look so awful before, but at the same time, he still saw her beauty shining through.

"C'mon, Lou," Jimmy whispered, holding onto her hand fiercely, yet gently. "You gotta get well. You can't just leave the Kid and your new son. They need you, Lou. They need you."

She made no move or sound to acknowledge his plea, and after several more minutes of sitting there by her side, Jimmy rose to exit.

As he walked back into the hallway, he was met with Teaspoon and Rachel.

"Jimmy," the older man rasped with his trademark, lopsided smile. He extended out his hand. "Good to have you back, son."

Jimmy accepted the hand held out to him and shook it firmly. "It's good to be back," he told Teaspoon, knowing inside that it was true.

"Move aside, Teaspoon, so I can give this boy a hug," Rachel said, smiling through her tears. She raised her arms and wrapped him up in her embrace.

"Ah, Rachel. It's good to see you again. Too bad it has to be under these circumstances. I'm sorry to have stayed away so long," Jimmy added.

"The important thing is that you came back," Rachel reassured him.

She released her hold on Jimmy and took a good, long look at him. He's grown into quite a man, Rachel thought to herself. And she knew that him coming back to Rock Creek despite the hard feelings he'd left with only proved that fact.

"I wanna hear all about what you've been up to since you left," said Rachel.

"Not now, Rachel," Jimmy responded, a strange, subtle smile playing on his lips. "I'll tell you all about it another time. First, let's just make sure we get Lou well."

Rachel smiled at him and nodded, her heart welling with joy at Jimmy's return and filling with a new hope for them all.

*****

By mid-summer, Louise was feeling in fine form once more. Slowly and steadily her strength came back to her, like her family had all prayed and hoped it would. It seemed she started taking a turn for the better shortly after Jimmy had returned to Rock Creek and mended his friendship with Kid. Jimmy stayed by Lou's side whenever he could, doing his utmost to see that his best friend and new nephew had the wife and mother they needed to look after them.

Even Cody and Buck found their way back to Rock Creek to look in on Lou once she was over the worst and also to meet the newest addition to their extended family. Having the complete family near again -- and it was complete since Ike and Noah never strayed from her heart -- only served to make Lou more determined to make a full recovery. And she did.

It was just like old times, or at least as close to old times as they would ever get. For they all knew they could never truly bring back those days again. Days when they first found each other as family and rode together for the Pony Express...days when they felt young and carefree despite the danger that was ever present in their lives...Those days were gone forever, but with the unfailing love and support of friends and family, they all found the courage to move forward with their new lives. It brought a sense comfort like nothing else.

The reunion, however, was short-lived, as Jimmy announced his plans to ride out one day in early August. Cody had left the month before when he was called back to duty by his regiment. Buck, too, left shortly afterwards to rejoin his brother Red Bear and the wife he'd left behind in the village.

Everyone knew the time would come when Jimmy would leave, and they were each prepared for the moment, knowing that it would not be the last time they saw their dear friend. They also knew that while Jimmy had found a part of himself and an inner purpose he thought he'd lost when he returned to Rock Creek, he was still searching for his destiny.

So, with both of his gunbelts fastened at his hips, Jimmy strode out of the house, pulling on his black leather riding gloves. Teaspoon, Rachel, Lou, Kid, and baby James gathered outside in the steaming August sun as Jimmy tightened the last buckle on his saddle and prepared to leave.

Seeing that everything was set, Jimmy turned around to face his family. "Well, I guess it's that time," he said, fighting to hold back the emotion that threatened to overtake him.

"You take care of yourself, Jimmy," Teaspoon said. "Watch yer back."

He nodded. "I will, Teaspoon."

Jimmy went down the line, saying his farewells to each of them. Teaspoon shook his hand, but then Jimmy pulled the older man into a hug. He hugged and kissed Rachel and Lou as well, and gave baby James a gentle pat on his still-bald head. He could practically fit the child's entire head in the palm of his large hand, but James was a strong, healthy boy and was growing more and more each day.

"Give our best wishes to Celinda when you see her," Rachel told Jimmy.

"And just remember, Jimmy, you'll always have a home here with us," Lou assured, her eyes as bright as they had been before she fell ill.

"I will," he said simply. "And you make sure you tell little James all about his namesake," he supplied with a grin.

"I wouldn't worry," Lou chuckled. "This child won't ever suffer from a shortage of stories. Not after all our exploits workin' for the Express. Besides, I bet stories just about Cody will take James all the way through his first three or four years."

They all shared a moment of laughter before the reality of Jimmy's departure sunk in once more.

Jimmy finally came to the end of the line where Kid stood. The two men embraced in the spirit of true and lasting friendship, patting each other firmly on the back.

"Goodbye, Jimmy," Kid said.

"This ain't goodbye," Jimmy replied. "It's 'so long till next time'."

"So long, then," Kid corrected himself. Jimmy smiled.

Finding that there was nothing left to do, he mounted his golden palomino in an easy, graceful motion. Jimmy sat atop the horse in that statuesque manner of his for several long moments, memorizing every detail of his family as they stood before him. He knew their faces and memory would remain emblazoned in his heart forever.

"Where will you go after you finish visitin' with Celinda?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know yet, but I'll know it when I get there." And Jimmy's eyes were filled with a hope and optimism he hadn't felt in a long, long time.

"Well, Jimmy," Teaspoon began, "we wish ya the best of luck in everythin', no matter what ya choose to do."

"Thanks, Teaspoon...for everythin'. I feel for once that I actually do have a choice. And I'm gonna try my best to make the right one."

"Take care now," Lou added as she bounced the baby on her hip. "And come back whenever you need us. We'll always be here for you. We're family."

"Till next time..." were Jimmy's final words to them.

And after one last tip of his signature black Stetson hat, Jimmy jabbed his spurs into the horse's flanks and rode away through the streets of Rock Creek. His family stood watching until the sound of hoof beats no longer echoed on the still summer air and the figure of James Butler Hickok had completely disappeared into a thick cloud of dust.

Jimmy rode further and further away from his loved ones, but their words stayed with him and comforted him on his journey towards the next stage in his life.

He knew that the love of family would always be carried with him wherever he went, no matter how much distance was put between them. Although the search for his future continued, Jimmy knew he would always have his family to turn to and hold on to...to give his life meaning. And whatever path he'd choose from that moment on, he would make the best of what came his way.

"Always family," he whispered to himself.

Jimmy smiled, the sun immersing him in its radiance. It was going to be a beautiful day.

Till next time, Jimmy thought. Till next time.

-THE END-