Mario Cracks Jokes
A rather well built woman, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation
time
sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she
wore a red bathing suit. However on the second day, she felt a little
more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall
tan
figuring that no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly began
when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said a flustered little (out of breath) assistant
manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the
roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as
you did yesterday!"
"What difference does it make", Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can
see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed
little
man.
"You are lying on the dining room skylight."
The Irishman
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a
long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination,
sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and says, "I've
some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be
cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid
character managed to compose himself and walk from the
doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw
his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we
Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when
things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't
so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short
time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few
pints."
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little
less somber. There were some laughs and more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old
friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy
told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad.
He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his
impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a
few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had
a couple more beers.
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and
whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that
you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends
that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer, son, I just don't
want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm
gone."
"
BATS
Two vampire bats are hanging upside down in a cave. One
of the bats feels rather hungry. "Let's go and find
some blood", he suggests.
"I don't think you can get any blood this time of the
day", says the other bat.
"Well, I want some blood and I want it now!", says the
first bat and prepares to take off. "Are you coming or
what?"
"Don't be stupid, you'll just waste your time", says
the second bat.
So the first bat flies away. After a few minutes he is
back with blood smeared all over his face.
"Where did you manage to find blood this time of the
day?", asks the second bat.
"Well, do you see that tree out there?", says the first
bat and points at a tree outside the cave, "Do you see
that tree?"
"Yes", says the second bat, "of course I see it".
"Well, I didn't", replies the first.
"The Cave
There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the
desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up
this hill to the mouth of a cave.
He stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and
then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo!
Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.
The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
about, was that Indian goofy or something. "No", said the other Indian.
"It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler,
"Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she
is in there waiting for you.
Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took
off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo!
Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off
came the clothes and into the cave he goes.
The Polock started running around the desert looking for a cave to find
these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked
up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was
thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones
that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in
this cave!" Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed with
his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and
hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" He was just tickled all over when
he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!
Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the
cave.
The next day, in the newspaper, the head lines read,
NAKED POLOCK RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!!!
"Ispagiti
Ip you like to mik pilipino ispagiti, you jus dipros
dee grounbip,a. Andin you pollow dee diriksyon in dee
kwan. Dee kwan, you know wat I'm reperring too. Dee
diriksyon on dee ispagiti plastik and deesauce mix.
Instid ob eating wid dee pork, you eat wid your han.
Ay, dat is how we eat in da pilipeens. Ip der is
lipober, you put it in di prigideer. Andin tomooro,
you eat it por brikpas. Ip der is still somor, you
jusbaon it por work. You can also eat di ispagiti wid
rice. Dat is Filifino ispagiti. Andin ip der is still
somor, ay do not tro dat away. You jus gib it to
deedogs or cats outside, a. Dat is becos ispagiti is
por long lipe. I don'tlike to see it weested. So, mga
kababayans, you itry dis ricipi.
"Top 20 ways you know if you are addicted to the internet...
1. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
2. You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.
3. You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"
4. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
5. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
6. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
7. Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.
8. You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.
9. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
10. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
11. You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html
12. Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
13. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)
15. You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.
16. Your best friend is someone you've never met.
17. Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.
18. You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."
19. Your dog has its own home page.
20. So does your gold fish.
"
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
