Heres to the tale of Moby Dick, Who was cursed at birth with a cork-screw prick, All over the wide world he did hunt, To find a whale, with a corkscrew cunt. At last he found one, but he dropped dead, Cause the son-of-a-bitch had a left handed thread! From 20 to 30 if a man lives right, Its once in the morning and twice at night. From 30 to 40 if he still lives right, He misses a morning and sometimes a night. From 40 to 50, its just now and then. From 50 to 60, its heavens knows when. From 60 to 70 he's slightly declined, But don't let him kid you, its still on his mind! Said a young whore known as Mable Who at f*cking is willing and able, "It's a pity to waste All that Juicy white paste," So she served it in bowls at the table. A young exhibitionist Kay, Having tossing all her panties away, Has invited us lads Via newspaper ads To a pubic performance today. Science was a breath of fresh air Within my whole High School career The only school class Where you could smell gas That wasn't from your classmate's rear There was a young gypsy girl Rose With obsessions for gentlemens' hose. Up her pussy, her rear, In her mouth and each ear And her cute little freckle-tipped nose There once was a man from Peru Who had a lot of growing up to do. He'd ring a doorbell, Then run like hell, Until the owner shot him with a .22 There once was a man from York Who picked his nose with a fork. When it got stuck He cried "I don't give a fuck", And walked around looking like a dork. My dental hygienist, Faye Ray, Said, "Travis, eat pussy each day; Your gums will be stronger, Your teeth will last longer, Coz pussy prevents tooth decay!" Hey look; it's the orifice girls Wearing naught but a grin and some pearls. They go about whorin' So don't put your oar in, You don't know what's under their curls There was a lighthouse keeper named Creighton Who took up with a lady from Brighton But all ships ran aground And sailors were drowned 'Cause she wouldn't have sex with the light on. There once was a priest from Bings, Whose mind was on heavenly things, But his earthly desire Was a boy on the choir Whose ass shook like Jello on springs. There once was a young man, Horatio, Whose girlfriend wouldn't give him fellatio, She said, "He shouldn't pout, 'Cause he won't lick me out, And I think one for one's a fair ratio!" It's my code," says a mailman named Drew, "To unzip, then deliver a screw. If virgins, when nervous, Resist postal service, I explain that the male must get through." One night in the deep forest glade A handsome young gent tried a maid, But the texture of grass, Disagreed with her ass, The poor bugger never got laid. A sturdy young fellow named Mac Was doing a girl from the back, But they were soon parted When she upped and farted, Thats when his old tool it went slack. In the hills of Glenburney tis said There's a lass that gives wonderful head She does twenty a day With nary a lay Therefore she does not need a bed. When things go wrong, as they usually will, And the daily road seems all up hill, You donąt want to cry, you donąt want to quit, Donąt run to me, I donąt give a shit. There was a young girl from Wick Who said "Mother what is a dick?" She said "My dear Annie It goes in your fanny And jumps up and down till it's sick" There once was a queer named Feeney Who liked to pour gin on his weenie, In a moment uncouth, He poured on vermouth And slipped his friend Dan a martini. A toast to my unwanted friends When your bloody piles torment you, And corns grow on your feet, And crabs as big as horse turds, Rest on your balls to eat, When your old and feeble, And a sympathetic wreck, I hope you walk thru your asshole, And break your fucking neck! Said an irate young whore in Hong Kong, "I think you are utterly wrong To say my vagina's The largest in China Just because of your little wee dong." There once was a man from Calcutta Who took a sly peep through a shutter. But all he could see Was his wife's twitching knee And the ass of the man that was up her. Here's to woman, that beautiful vine, She blooms once a month, And bears once in nine, She is the only creature this side of hell, That can take juice from a nut, Without breaking the shell. Leaving the seat down may be sweet, But it means that I soak the seat, I would be really great, If I could pee straight, But most times I just wet my feet. A worried young man from Stamboul Found lots of red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic; Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" My face in the mirror Isn't wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty. The cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely And so does my lawn. I think I might never Put my glasses back on. Nick the prick had a forty foot dick, He showed it to the lady next door. She thought it was a snake, And hit it with a rake, And now it's only four foot four. There once was a man from Peru, Who fell asleep in a canoe, While dreaming of venus, He played with his penis, and woke up with a hand full of goo. There once was a monk from Siberia Whose manners were quite inferior. He did to a nun What he should not have done. And now she's a Mother Superior. My trouser-snake stands up and cheers When confronted with boobs in brassieres; But in charming my cobra, The bosom with no bra Can almost reduce it to tears. There once was a man named Piatt, Who's sexual habits were a riot. From horses to hens, To mice and men, If it had a hole, he would try it. There once was a man named Dave Who kept a dead whore in a cave He said "I admit I am a bit of a shit But think of the money I save". There once was a girl named Madonna To all the boys she'd ask "Do yo wanna?" Warren Beatty said no, Called her a "HO" Now she cries and smokes marijuana. The once was a young girl from Norway Who hung by her feet from the doorway; Which worked out quite well, 'Cause when you rang her bell, It actually turned out to be foreplay! Then the same girl from Norway Who hung by her feet in the doorway. Said to her beau, Hey, look at me Joe, I think I've just found one more way! There once was a technician named Lil. That took a chance on a Nuclear Pill. They found her vagina, in South Carolina, and her boobs in a tree in Brazil! There was a young gigolo named Bruno Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know. While women are fine, And sheep are divine, Lama's are numero uno!" Here I sit in stinky vapor, Because some jerk Stole the toilet paper, Shall I lie, or shall I linger, Or shall I be forced to use my finger. There once was a cop they called Bruiser Who the captain had labeled a loser, For it seems that this rookie, Was addicted to nookie And would screw in the back of his cruiser. When juice of the mango I've drunk, And of pineapple eaten a chunk, I will offer my willy To the palate of Lily, Cuz it adds a nice taste to my spunk. ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE Penis breath, a lover's dread, Is what you get when you give head. Unpleasant as it tends to be, Be grateful that he doesn't pee. It's times like this, you wonder why, You bothered reaching for his fly. But it's too late, can't be a tease, Accept the facts, get on your knees. You know you've got a job to do, So open wide and shove it through, Lick the tip then take it all. Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl, Slide up and down, use your tongue. And feel the precum start to run, Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb, So when the fuck's he gonna cum. Just, when you can't take anymore, You hear your lover's mighty roar. And when he hits that real high note, You feel it oozing down your throat. Salty, fishy, sticky stuff, Okay already, that's enough. Let's switch you say, before you gag, And what revenge, you're on the rag. Susie Lee fell in love, you see She planned to marry Joe. She was so happy 'bout it all, She told her pappy so. Pappy told her, "Susie Gal, You'll have to find another. I'd just soon yer maw don't know, But Joe is yer half-brother." So Susie forgot about Joe And planned to marry Will. But, after telling pappy this He said, "There's trouble still. You can't marry Will, my gal, And please don't tell yer mother, Cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is yo half-brother." But, mama knew and said, "Honey child, Do what makes yo happy. Marry Will or marry Joe, Cause yo ain't no kin to pappy!" There once was a man, name of Peter Whose peter was just short of one meter. When wanting to ball An assistant on call Was needed to help just to feed 'er. I love to suck a great big tit Inch by inch, bit by bit I love to see her big breasts bare They make my cum fly through the air!! Oh goodness gracious! what big boobs! They make my cum spurt out in goobs They are great to lick and suck, not to mention titty-fuck!! They say that having such big boobs Is really just a waste But it takes more than just a mouthful To get the greatest taste!! There was an old lady from Mores Who's legs were all covered with sores As she walked down the street The dogs licked the meat Which hung in great globs from her drawers There was a young man from Leeds, Who swallowed a packet of seeds, Within an hour His nose was a flower, And his head was all covered with weeds. Hey Diddle Diddle, My penis is little And shriveled and shrunk like a prune. But if you will squeeze it And tease it, and please it, It'll blow up just like a balloon. Now that I am old and feeble My pilot light is out What used to be my sex appeal Is now my water spout I used to be embarrassed To make the thing behave For each and every morning It would stand and watch me shave But now that I am growing old It sure gives me the blues To have that thing hang down my leg And watch me tie my shoes I once had a girlfriend named Kate One night we made a sex tape. She left me for a trainer So now I disdain her I just look at the pics and masturbate There once was a man from Quebec Wrapped both his legs round his neck, But then he forgot How to undo the knot, And now he's an absolute wreck. There was a young girl in Dakota Got a letter from the governor; he wrote her: "In addition to gas We are rationing ass, And you've greatly exceeded your quota." Mary had a little lamb It's fleece was black as charcoal Every time it jumped the fence Sparks flew out it's asshole Said Siegfried to Roy at the zoo, "Be careful in all that you do. Keep those lions at bay, Or it will, I must say, Be the first time a pussy ate you!" There was a young man of high station Who was found by a pious relation Making love in a ditch To--I won't say a bitch-- But a woman of no reputation. Jack and Jill went up the hill, To smoke a little leaf. Jack got high, Pulled down his fly, And Jill said, "Where's the beef!" I'm a little girl I have a little thing When I go to bed I put my finger in Now I am much older my thing has lost its charm Now it takes 5 fingers and half my fucking arm There once was a lady from Wheeling Who had a peculiar feeling She turned on her back Tickled her crack And pissed all over the ceiling! There once was a man named Sinclair Who was fucking his wife on the stairs The bannister broke He tripled his stroke And finished her off in mid-air! A notorious hooker named Shore Would allow horny sailors to score, But employed every means Of avoiding Marines- She was rotten, they claimed, to the Corps. There once was a man named Brewster, Who said to his wife as he goosed her, That used to be grand, But just look at my hand, Your not wiping as good as you used to! Some Mafia Poetry My love for you,it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement. I'm here to fulfill your fondest wishes Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes Lie down with me It's my final offa, Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa. I picked up this card from a slim selection, But that's all they offer in witness protection. On the internet they found romance That put both in a hot sexual trance But each had a gripe About having to type With a hand stuck down into their pants Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was black and short. I tried to pet it yesterday, Next week I go to court. There was a young whore named Hurst. In the weakness of men she's well-versed. At the head of her bed, Hung a sign that said: "The Customer Always Comes First!" My vibrator's battery's dying! My husband's not here and I'm crying To generate the watts I need for my twat A generator is what we'll be buying! I wonder what Christmas will be, No merriment, good cheer or glee, Now that Santa's arrested, Because someone protested, That he laid some doll under their tree. That wily old pervert St. Nick Made good use of the curve to his dick He glazed the whole shaft Painted stripes, then he laughed As he offered young ladies a lick "When I see a monk's ass I just grab it." Said the very amorous abbot. "Although it's more fun, To have sex with a nun, It's so hard to get into the habit!" There was a young sailor named Fred. He once took a mermaid to bed. He said, to be blunt, "I can't find your cunt, So why don't you blow me, instead!" Give me a muff with thighs on both sides... That's furry and pink, all covered with stink; I don't even care If it's old or it's new, Cause what the hell, it's something to screw... Once the substitute womb comes to pass Virgin birth will be common as grass; With the women deserting The men will be hurting, Converting to substitute ass! She demanded I gave her affection Then opened her thighs for inspection; I found her quite nice 'Til I noticed the lice And immediately lost my erection. There was a young lady of Maine Who declared she'd a man on the brain. But you knew from the view Of the way her waist grew, It was not on her brain that he'd lain. A co-ed whose thinking was cool, Seduced a young man at her school. To avoid her conception, And prevent an infection, A condom was put on his tool. There was a young man named Ringer, Who was seducing a beautiful singer. He said with a grin, "I've now rammed it in!" She said, "You mean that isn't your finger...?" An ode to the hole That never heals. The more you touch it The better it feels. You can rub it And scrub it And brush it like hell, But you will never get rid Of that fucking fish smell. The spouse of a pretty young thing Came home from the wars in the spring. He was lame but he came With his dame like a flame-- A discharge is a wonderful thing. Oh Osama Bin Laden, You Son Of A Bitch, May Your Balls Develop A seven Year Itch! May Your Pecker Be Twisted In Such A Manner, That Your Asshole Whistles The Star Spangled Banner. There was a vampiress named Mable Whose periods were rather unstable By the light of the moon She took out a spoon And drank herself under the table I'll massage you with oils aromatic And finger-tip motions emphatic From shoulders to bum And from nipples to tum And below 'til you're feeling ecstatic. A lissom psychotic named Jane Once kissed every man on a train; Said she, "Please don't panic! I'm just nymphomaniac. It wouldn't be fun were I sane." There was a young fellow named Pell Who didn't like cunt very well. He would finger and fuck one, But never would suck one--- He just couldn't get used to the smell. There was a young girl from Seattle Who got her kicks sucking off cattle, 'til a bull from the South Popped a load in her mouth That made both her ovaries rattle. The was an old woman from Kent Who went to a football event She sat near the goal And opened her hole One guess as to where the ball went There was a young maid of Peru Who swore she never would screw, Except under stress Of forceful duress, Like: 'I'm ready. How about you?' There once was a whore from Dundee, Who charged an extremely low fee "I'll give you a f*ck For just half a buck And throw in my *sshole for free. All over the bed we did roam I swear from my mouth I did foam I was just fit to pop When we both had to stop.. As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!" A squeamish young fellow named Brand Thought caressing his penis was grand. But he viewed with distaste The gelatinous paste That it left in the palm of his hand. Alas for a preacher named Hoke, Whose shit was all stuck in his poke. He farted a blast That left hearers aghast, But nothing emerged but some smoke. There was a young fellow named Bowen Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. It grew so tremendous, So long and so pendulous, 'Twas no good for f*ckin', just showin'. Bin Laden's a guy who at most Will soon be nothing but toast He can hide for a while But we will all smile When this jerk becomes a ghost Mary had a little lamb, The doctor was surprised! But when Old McDonald had a farm, The doctor nearly died. The spouse of a pretty young thing Came home from the wars in the spring. He was lame but he came With his dame like a flame A discharge is a wonderful thing. I once had a ladyfriend, Rose, Double-jointed she was I suppose; And I watched fascinated As Rose masturbated Herself with the tip of her nose. A worried young man from Stamboul Discovered red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic! Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." Some friends come, and some friends go, And some friends peter out. But you, my friend, will be my friend, Peter in, or peter out. A horny young woman named Kate, Had hoped for a really hot date, But despite lots of kissing, His erection was missing, So next time she'll just masturbate. Hickory dickory dock two lawyers climbed up a clock, The clock struck one... but the other sonovabitch got away. There was a young man named Ringer, Who was seducing a beautiful singer. He said with a grin, "I've now rammed it in!" She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?" I once knew a clever young bitch Who owned a huge dildo with which She would use with delight Far into the night Ten bucks at Abercrombie & Fitch There was a young man from Florida Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her, When they got into bed He cried, God strike me dead! This ain't a puss - its a corridor!" I'll massage you with oils aromatic And finger-tip motions emphatic From shoulders to bum And from nipples to tum And below 'til you're feeling ecstatic. There once was a fellow named Clyde, Who slipped on some dog shit and died. He fell on his brother Who then he did smother And now they're in turd side by side. Try our "Rubber Girlfriend" (air inflatable) Perennially young (quite insatiable). Our satisfied clients, From midgets to giants Say she's incredibly lifelike and "mate-able." There was a young lady named Alice Who purchased a rubberized phallus She learned its perfections But shuns all inspections For a crotch is an odd place for a callus There was an old man from China Who wasn't a very good climber He fell on a rock It chopped off his cock And now he's got a vagina! There once was a woman from New Zealand Who had a peculiar feeling She laid on her back And tickled her crack And pissed all over the ceiling A thrifty old man named McEwen Inquired, "Why be bothered with screwing? It's safer and cleaner To finger your wiener, And besides you can see what you are doing." There was an old lady from Mores Who's legs were all covered with sores As she walked down the street, The dogs licked the meat, Which hung in great globs from her drawers. An epileptic young woman named Camp Was seduced on her couch by a tramp But the first time he squeezed her She had a Grand seizure And broke both his balls and a lamp. There was a young lady from China, Who had an enormous vagina. And when she was dead, They painted it red, And used it for docking a liner. There was a young man from leeds Who swallowed a packet of seeds. An acre of grass Grew out of his ass And his balls were all covered with weeds. In Flanders, a porn queen of note, Announced in the press, (and we quote): "Going down is my bag, Pardon me, if I gag, I'll soon have some cum in my throat." As Mozart composed a sonata His maid bent to fasten her garter Without any delay He started to play His organ pipes "appassionata" If you think that young Thor is a stud You've been fooled by the size of his pud Twelve inches when soft When it rises aloft He faints from the sheer lack of blood While undressing a maiden named Sue Her lover exclaimed: "If it's true That a nipple a day Keeps the doctor away Think how healthy I'll be after two!" There once was an escort named Guy Whose company ladies would buy But they found that his trick Was not a big dick But a knackwurst he'd taped to his thigh A nymphomaniacal nurse Whose tastes were quite often perverse Stuck a rotary drill Up her twat for a thrill And they carted her off in a hearse There was a young woman from Stowe Was approached by a dwarf for a blow She replied, "I have pride Your request is denied I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!" Said a woman with open delight "My pubic hair's perfectly white I admit there's a glare. But the fellows don't care They locate it more quickly at night." There was a young fellow named Paul Who confessed, "I have only one ball. But the size of my prick Is God's dirtiest trick, For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" There was an old fellow of Fife, Who was garden-mad all of his life. He dreamed in his slumbers, Of giant cucumbers, Which greatly embarrassed his wife. There once was a girl named Ann Hyser Who claimed that no man could surprise her But old Pabst made a push At the Schlitz in her Busch, And now she is sadder Budweiser A twitchy young bitch named O'Brien Sighed, "Joe, you just keep right on tryin'. I'll leave you my card, And when it gets hard Please wire or drop me a line. Said Tammy as Tommy withdrew, "It wasn't that great of a screw The last guy was thicker And slicker and quicker, And three inches longer than you!" I dream of a youthful physique With me on a high mountain peak, With nothing to do But fondle and screw For week after week after week! Said a luscious young lady called Jade On the beach with her charms all displayed "It's so hot in the sun Perhaps sex would be fun At least that would give me some shade An overworked hooker once said, "I must change the sheets on my bed... I've developed a rash, On the lips of my gash, and the inside's all puffy and red!" An insatiable woman named Dee said, "There are never enough men for me!" "So instead of just one I'll finally have fun, and triple my pleasure with three!" I heard that she'd never say no To oral sex. Just 10 bucks a blow. But when down on her knees, I said, "Oh, baby, please Move up, you're too low, that's my toe!" A virgin with eyes of bright blue Was told that it's sinful to screw So she rubbed on her clit But swore that she'd quit At least in the next year or two There was a young lady named Gay, Who was asked to make love in the hay. She jumped at the chance And took off her pants, She was tickled to try it that way! To a lady I fancied, I said "Your lips are incredibly red" I was really a gent Since actually I meant "No doubt you give marvelous head!" There was a bleached blonde named Dolores Who had an unusual clitoris It's location remote Was deep in her throat Where she douched with a touch of Lavoris There was a young lady from Wheeling Who professed to no sexual feeling Till a cynic named Boris Just touched her clitoris And she had to be scraped off the ceiling There once was a lady from Reno Who lost all her cash playing keno So she lay on her back And opened her crack And today she owns every casino A man from Southern Nantucket, took a crap in a big rusty bucket. He got wedged in that pail, an embarrassing tale... It was only a fart that unstuck it. To moralists, sex is a sin, Yet Nature suggests we give in She arranged it, no doubt That a fellow juts out In the place where a damsel juts in. Though Pearl is his regular girl Her mom sets his pulses a-whirl; And he knows that her oyster Is hotter and moister For now he screws Mother of Pearl. When I was just a little girl, I used to like to sing, and with my little finger, play with my little thing But now that I've grow up, my finger has lost it's charm, and to satisfy my needs, I need half my gawd damn arm. There was a young woman named Sally Who loved an occasional dally She'd sit on the lap Of a well-endowed chap Saying, "Oooooo, you're just right up my alley!" We're watching a wacky new show The contestants aren't in it for dough The way that it's played If you win, you get laid They're calling it "F*cked If I Know!" As our elevator car left our floor, Big Sue caught her left tit in the door. She yelled a great deal, But had it been real She'd have yelled considerably more. A twitchy young bitch named O'Brien Sighed, "Joe, you just keep right on tryin'. I'll leave you my card, And when it gets hard Please wire or drop me a line. There's a tavern in Dublin that's staffed By a barmaid who's tops at her craft In her striving to please She serves ale on her knees So the patrons get head with their draft There was a young student from Yale Who was getting his first piece of tail He shoved in his pole But in the wrong hole And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" "It's my code," says a mailman named Drew, "To unzip, then deliver a screw. If virgins, when nervous, Resist postal service, I explain that the male must get through." Here I sit in a blue misty vapor, for someone has used all the toilet paper. The boss is waiting and I cannot linger. So, look out ass, here comes the finger. To temptation I'm quick to submit, I regret many sins, I admit. Yet this is no boast: I regret the most, Those sins that I failed to commit! A blackberry picker called Sam ate berries where others ate ham. A doctor who pried, said, 'Sir, your inside would make most delectable jam.' It's said " masteurbation makes you blind" Listen here 'cause I have a new kind, Of way to get off, Than the regular boff, It's an incredible way to unwind! Wrap it just once around the wrist, Then give it a most painful twist, When it starts to get hard, You'll sing like a bard, As you come in a quite heavy mist!! A nervous young fellow named Fred Took a charming young woman to bed When he'd diddled a while She remarked with a smile, "You've got it all in but the head!" There once was a man named Bill, Who swallowed a nuclear pill. His penis exploded, his arsehole corroded And his balls ended up in Brazil The election is over, the results are now known. The will of the court has clearly been shown. Let's forget all our quarrels and show by our deeds, We will give Mr. Bush all the help that he needs. Let's all get together and let bitterness pass. I'll hug your elephant and you kiss my ass There once was a fellow named Ben Who was aroused by livestock in a pen Though he knew it was forbidden He was quite parasite ridden From trying it every now and then Her thighs were all covered with cream, Her breasts with sweet honey a-gleam... But too good to be true This sex cordon bleu, He awoke with two spurts from his dream. I once took my girl to South Bend, Intending a loving weekend. But imagine the fuss; In the room next to us, Was my wife with a gentleman friend. A randy young fellow named Payne Wooed a lovely girl, but in vain For she swore when he kissed her That he slept with her sister Again and again and again There was a young lady named Nelly, Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. They could tickle her twat, Or be tied in a knot, And could even swat flies on her belly! A short-organed fellow named Kevin, Used a vacuum to stretch it to seven, Then to eight and to nine, And thought ten was divine.... There will be film at eleven! "When I see a monk's ass I just grab it." Said the lazily amorous abbot. "Although it's more fun To have sex with a nun, It's so hard to get into the habit!" There once was a man named Hyatt, Who's sexual habits were a riot, From horses to hens, To mices and mens, If it had a hole, he would try it. There was a young woman from Wild, Who kept herself quite undefiled, By thinking of Jesus... Contagious diseases.... And the bother of having a child. There was a young lady named Gloria, Who was goosed by Sir Oswald Du Maurier... And then by six men, Sir Oswald again, And the band at the Woldorf Astoria! There was an old fellow of Fife, Who was garden-mad all of his life. He dreamed in his slumbers, Of giant cucumbers, Which greatly embarrassed his wife. Jack and Jill went up the hill, To smoke a little leaf. Jack got high, Pulled down his fly, And Jill said, "Where's the beef!" A cannibal known as Ned ate potato chips in his bed. His mother said, 'Sonny, it's not very funny. Why don't you eat people instead There was a young man called Art, who thought he'd be terribly smart. He ate ten cans of beans, and busted his jeans, with a loud and earth shattering fart There's a reason Barton is queer When you meet, the reason is clear. A goddess named Venus Gave him a penis, But Mother Nature filled up his brassiere. Young Angie likes lifting her dress, And removing her panties to press, In a manner obscene, 'Gainst the washing machine, To relieve all her work-a-day stress. There Once Was A Woman From Arden Who Was Seen Sucking A Man In The Garden Her Mother Said, "flo, Where Does It All Go?? And She Said, "gulp, Beg Your Pardon?" She wasn't what one would call pretty And other girls offered her pity So nobody guessed That her pregnancy test Would involve half the men in the city. They say that the way to mens hearts Is good food from soup to tarts A chocolate eclair Will stiffen him there But too much will give him the farts There was a young fellow from Yale, Whose face was exceedingly pale... He spent his vacation, In self-masturbation, Because of the high price of tail. There's an oversexed lady named Whyte, Who insists on a dozen a night. A fellow named Cheddar, Had the brashness to wed her... His chance of survival is slight. A very young fellow named Randall, Shot sparks like a big Roman candle, He was much in demand, For the colors were grand, But most girls found him too hot to handle. There once was a hacker named Ken, Who "inherited" truckloads of Yen, So he built him some chicks, Out of silicon chips, And hasn't been heard from since then. "I'm sick of Tchaikovsky", said May, "And this Handel and Bach that we play." So she put down her fiddle, And diddled her middle; "It's time for Depussy I say." A Flighty young gal named Melissa, Was careless as hell on the pissa... One day in the rush, She was caught in the flush, And goodness knows all of us missa! There was a young lady from Maine, Who claimed she had men on her brain. But you knew from the view, As her abdomen grew, It was not on her brain that he'd lain. Two middle-aged ladies from Fordham Went out for a walk, and it bored 'em As they made their way back A sex maniac Leapt out from some trees and ignored 'em. I'd rather have fingers than toes, I'd rather have ears than a nose, And a happy erection Brought just to perfection Makes me terribly sad when it goes. There was a young lady named Flo Whose lover was exceedingly slow So they tried it all night 'Til he got it just right For practice makes pregnant, you know. A neurotic young playboy named Gleason Liked boys for no tangible reason A frontal lobotomy All but cured him of sodomy But ruined his plans for the season. I took Sally out back of the shed "I have something to show you," I said She said, "Ugh! What a sight! I know looking's not right, I've a place we can hide it instead." There was a young man named Keith, who liked to be fondeled beneath. When she used her lips, he wiggled his hips, but not when the bitch used her teeth. In Summer, he said she was fair In Autumn, her charms were still there But he said to his wife In the Winter of life, "There's no Spring in your old derriere." Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there? Said the Pieman unto Simon, Pies, you dickhead. A lighthouse keeper called Creighton Took to seeing a lady from Brighton, But ships ran aground, And sailors were drowned, As she wouldn't have sex with the light on. We all know that sex is grand But what I cannot understand Who was the first guy To give it a try? I think we should give him a hand. A mortician who practice in Fife Made love to the corpse of his wife "How could I know, Judge? She was cold, did not budge Just the same as she'd acted in life." There was a lady from Seattle Who got off blowing off cattle Until a bull from the South Shot a load in her mouth that made both of her ovaries rattle "M' Lord", said the sweet English maid, "I wonder if I could get laid, In lieu of my wages, I'll screw you in stages, A non-taxible way to get paid." There was a young man with a fiddle Who asked of his girl, '"Do you diddle?" She replied, "Yes, I do, But I prefer it with two. It's twice as much fun in the middle." Lisped a limp-wristed cowboy one day: "It's a hell of a place to be gay! I must, on these prairies, For the shortage of fairies, With the deer and the antelope play." The wife of young sea captain Gray Deprived of her absent mate's lay Found a dildo of wood Could be almost as good So she's happily pine-ing away. A limerick packs laugh anatomical into space that is quite economical but the good ones I've seen so seldom are clean and the clean ones so seldom are comical. A man with venereal fear Had intercourse in his wife's ear. She said, "I don't mind, Except that I find When the telephone rings, I don't hear." There once was a priest from Siberia Who motives were very ulterior He done to a nun What he shouldn't have done And now she's Mother Superior. Since the girl couldn't type, she was fired Then explained how she'd come to be hired: "The executive's dong Being four inches long I thought shorthand alone was required." Young Tiffany sang in the choir, And lifted her mini-skirt higher, To show us god freaks Tattooed on her cheeks The legend: "Boys, this space for hire." There once was a young man from Nairs Who liked to have sex on the stairs, With one powerful stroke, The banister broke And he finished her off in mid-air. Mr. Jones was a bass in the choir, Yet a man who loved "playing with fire" He wrestled a bear Who didn't play fair Now he's singing a full octave higher. There was a young fellow named Sweeney, Whose girl was a terrible meanie. The hatch of her snatch, Had a catch that would latch, She could only be screwed by Houdini. When I was young and had no sense I had a piss on an electric fence It tickled my prick and shivered my balls And made me shit in my overalls! There once was a couple from Arburiswith That made love with the things that they kissed with But as they grew older They got even bolder And made love with the things that they pissed with Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, between two hunks of bread. Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes all tattered and torn. It wasn't the spider that crept beside her, But Little Boy Blue and his horn. Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up it's ass and turned it's wool to nylon Georgie Porgy pudding and pie. Kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too, cause he was gay. From the depths of the crypt at St Giles, Came a scream that resounded for miles, Said the vicar, "Good gracious "Has Father Ignatius, "Forgotten the Bishop has piles?" I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. She said it was crude To be wooed in the nude I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her! The Penis Poem ======================= My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out, What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring, But now I've got a full-time job, To find the blasted thing. It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave, For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave. Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues, To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes! ============================ On the internet they found romance That put both in a hot sexual trance But each had a gripe About having to type With a hand stuck down into their pants. A Chinese chef named Chang Made dishes of unusual tang. He stirred his wok With the head of his cock 'Til oyster sauce poured from his wang. As Jane's tits brushed Robert's chest, Her belly on his came to rest, And she gave him a grin, As his penis slipped in, To begin what both loved doing best. Her thighs were all covered with cream, Her breasts with sweet honey a-gleam... But too good to be true This sex cordon bleu, He awoke with two spurts from his dream. Clem's fingers got ate by his pup; With two thumbs left he'd hold his cup, With foreplay unruly, He'd turn on wife Looley By givin' that girl two thumbs up! I hear they have started a test run On Liquid Viagra. When all done, A fella will say, At the end of the day: "Hey, Baby, go pour me a stiff one." A saucy young lass named Maurine With habits that some call obscene She exposes her nose And all of her toes And most of the parts in between! In China, so scholars now say, To kill off the sperm, here's one way: Drink cotton seed oil, Your spunk you will spoil... A great Chinese sperm take-away. These stories I tell are no joke, On radio they're told by some bloke And here's one more recent, And slightly more decent: Try douching, girls, with Diet Coke. I once had a ladyfriend, Rose, Double-jointed she was I suppose; And I watched fascinated As Rose masturbated Herself with the tip of her nose. One day she got tied in a knot With her nose on her clitoral spot. I said, "Rose? You OK?" She said, "Fine. Go away. For I'm coming and don't give a jot." There once was a man named Mort Whose dick was incredibly short When he climbed into bed His lady friend said "That's not a dick, it's a wart" There once was a girl named Sue Who didn't know what to do So she'd sit on the stairs And count pubic hairs Six thousand, one-hundred and two. Here we have sun-lover Kerry, Roasted as brown as a berry; She's feeling so tender You dare not upend 'er, I think she has burned up her cherry. My old friend Tommy's young wife'll, To most any man give an eyeful. On breasts, thighs and belly, She spreads cream and jelly, Inviting all-comers to trifle. My sister Jenny shuns houses, And also bras, panties and blouses. And, for a small fee, I'll let you come see Her, out in the field where the cows is. Under the old apple tree Was where she first showed it to me A hairy brown spot That she called a twat But it looked like a bird's nest to me There once was a man named Herm Who's dink was as big as a worm So he gave it a rub and got a big chub and now he's all covered with sperm Mr. Jones somehow got in a harem He had balls, and he chose there to bare 'em There arose such a shriek He was deaf for a week As they fought over how they would share 'em. The night started with hot sexual talk, As they screwed they lost track of the clock. Throughout the next day, They continued to play, Until neither were able to walk! She demanded I gave her affection Then opened her thighs for inspection; I found her quite nice 'Til I noticed the lice And immediately lost my erection. Jack and Jill went up the hill And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass And now two of his teeth are missing. That wily old pervert St. Nick Made good use of the curve to his dick. He glazed the whole shaft Painted stripes, then he laughed As he offered young ladies a lick. There once was a boy dressed in blue, Out looking for someone to screw. But a lady in red Gave him such good head, That he came so unscrewed that he's through. There once was a man from Cape Horn Who wished that he’d never been born. He wouldn’t have been. If his father had seen. That the end of his condom was torn! The Astronomy students would tell, Their female professor, Miss Nell. We want you to train us, To look at Uranus, And catch sight of your pussy as well. I wonder what Christmas will be, No merriment, good cheer or glee, Now that Santa's arrested, Because someone protested, That he laid some doll under their tree. With a blowtorch he set out to melt, His loved one's iron chastity belt. What dampened his yearning, Was pubic hair burning, Especially the way that it smelt Young Marian don't seem to like The thought of a poke from my pike, So until "when" or "if", I'll just have to sniff, The saddle attached to her bike. Not needed are muscles to flex. Or sight of some big beefy pecs. A delicate flower, Is holding the power, As to whether you guys will have sex. There was a young lady named Gay, Who was asked to make love in the hay. She jumped at the chance And took off her pants, She was tickled to try it that way! Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke, Made love to a cow as a joke. He found pleasure divine With this friendly bovine. Now they call him the old cowpoke! Under the old apple tree Was where she first showed it to me That hairy brown spot That she called a twat But it looked like a birds nest to me Little Miss Muffet sat on a Tuffet With her legs gapped open wide Down came spider and looked up inside her And said "My that pussy is wide!" There once was a girl from Madras Who had a magnificent ass. Not hairy and pink As you probably think; But was gray, had long ears and ate grass. There was a young man from Boston Who drove a little white Austin He had room for his ass And a gallon of gas But his balls hung out and he lost 'em There once was a lady from Mores Who's legs were all covered with sores As she walked down the street The dogs licked the meat Which hung in great globs from her drawers From the depths of the crypt at St Giles, Came a scream that resounded for miles, Said the vicar, "Good gracious "Has Father Ignatius, "Forgotten the Bishop has piles?" A farmer I know named O'Doole Has a long and incredible tool. He can use it to plow, Or to diddle a cow, Or just as a cue stick for pool There was and old man from Mulgoa Whose balls couldn't hang any lower They clanged and they dinged When they swung in the wind And wrapped round his neck like a boa. A pitiful case is young Rex With his bulgingly masculine pecs And biceps the size Of a weightlifter's thighs, For he's thinking of changing his sex Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, Her clothes all tattered and torn. It had not been the spider That crept up beside her But Little Boy Blue and his horn. There is a certain young woman named Janet Who's the sexiest dish on the planet From her toe to her palm She's a nuclear bomb And no one, thank God, wants to ban it. There once was a disc jockey named Louise Who's box had a sucking disease One night it got wet; I lost a cassette An eight-track and twenty CD's A fellow from out near Pike's peak, Stood up in a large crowd to speak, Got a tear in his eye, When he noticed his fly, Had been opened since he last took a leak. There was a young harlot named Schwartz, Whose pussy was studded with warts, And they tickled so nice, She drew a high price, From the studs at the summer resorts Said a woman with open delight, "My pubic hair's perfectly white. I admit there's a glare, But the fellows don't care. They locate it more quickly at night." When a corpulent spinster named Snow Was approached by a dwarf for a blow, She replied, "I have pride! Your request is denied! I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!" There was a young lady named Flo. Whose lover had pulled out too slow. So they tried it all night Till he got it just right. Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. Nick the prick had a forty foot dick, He showed it to the lady next door. She thought it was a snake, And hit it with a rake, And now it's only four foot four. There is no safe sex on the net, On this fact you surely can bet, Screwed a girl on the screen And ruptured my spleen, And the glass is not out of me yet. Said the wench to the new Maharajah, "You are ever-well hung, you old codjah! It delights me to lay And be queen for a day, But the last Maharajah was largah!" There was a young Scot in Madrid Who got fifty-five lays for a quid. When they said, "Are you faint?" He replied, "No, I ain't, But I don't feel as good as I did." An eccentric young boy, name of Billy Got his kicks tying strings round his willie. But one fateful night, He tied them too tight, And since then he's known only as "Millie". Said my Sally, out back of the shed, "That's all of THIS, Johnny boy, 'till we're wed 'Cause what we just did Could result in a kid, And besides, I'd prefer it in bed. There was a young lady, Ann Heiser, Who said that no man could suprise her, But Pabst took a chance, Found a Schlitz in her pants, vAnd now she is sadder, Budweiser. To Congress, three letters I've wrote 'em, Those bills banning Web-sex, please vote 'em, They've got to restrict 'em, 'Cause I'm a poor victim, My scrotum is hung in my modem! Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke, Made love to a cow as a joke. He found pleasure divine With this friendly bovine. Now they call him the old cowpoke! "When I see a monk's ass I just grab it." Said the lazily amorous abbot. "Although it's more fun To have sex with a nun, It's so hard to get into the habit!" The nipples of Sarah Strong, When excited, are twelve inches long. This embarrassed her lover, Who was pained to discover, She expected no less of his dong. I once knew a girl named Petunia With a marvelous new way of screwin' ya She would mount from *behind* Then she'd bump and she'd grind Which would please ya although it could ruin ya Said a diffident lady named Drood the first time she saw a man nude, "I'm glad I'm the sex that's concave not convex for I don't fancy things that protrude." I once took my girl to South Bend, Intending a loving weekend. But imagine the fuss; In the room next to us, Was my wife with a gentleman friend. A Rabbi from Peru Was vainly attempting to screw His wife said "Oy vey" If you keep up this way The Messiah will come before you Nick the prick had a forty foot dick, He showed it to the lady next door. She thought it was a snake, And hit it with a rake, And now it's only four foot four. There once was a fiesty young terrier Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. He'd yip and he'd yap, Then leap up and snap; And the fairer the derriere the merrier. A Certain Sweet Girl From Key West Was Uncommonly Large In The Chest Any Man's Close Attention To Her Outside Dimension Brought His Own Measurement To Its Best There once was a young man from Norway Who hung from his heels in the doorway He said with a grin, As his sweetie came in, "I think I have found one more way!" John's testicles groaned and said, "Ouch!", As he fondled young Jane on the couch. Said the left, "I feel blue"; Said the right one, "Me too", As they jiggled around in their pouch. There was an old fellow called Lear Who existed on oysters and beer. He traveled to Spain, Never came back again, But I think I can smell him from here! There once was a lad from Beirut Who had seven warts on this root. He poured acid on these, And now when he pees He must grasp himself like a flute. There was a young lady named Sue Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw. But one leads to the other, And now she's a mother Let this be a lesson to you. The Limerick Form Is Complex Its Contents Run Chiefly To Sex. It Burgeons With Virgins And Masculine Urgeons, And Swarms With Erotic F/X. A hard-headed cabby named Peter Was asked by a fare if he'd eat her. He said, "It's not free. I will only agree To go down while I'm running the meter." Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was black and short. I tried to pet it yesterday, Next week I go to court. There once was a woman from France Who got on the bus in a trance. Six passengers f*cked her, Besides the conductor, And the driver shot twice in his pants There once was a freshman named Lin, Whose tool was as thin as a pin. A virgin named Joan, From a bible belt home, Said, "This won't be much of a sin." I once knew a girl from Hoboken who said that her cherry was broken from riding a bike on a cobblestone pike but it really was broken from pokin' I once knew this bloke from Cape Horn Who wished he had never been born And he wouldn't have been If his Father had seen That the end of the rubber was torn. There once was a man named Mort Whose dick was incredibly short When he climbed into bed His lady friend said "That's not a dick it's a wart" There once was a vampire called Mabel Who's menstrual cycle was stable One weekend in four She'd sit on the floor And drink herself under the table. There was a young man called Lou Who gave his dear sister a screw. He said with aplomb, "You're better then Mom!" Said she, "That's what Dad told me, too. "When I see a monk's ass I just grab it." Said the lazily amorous abbot. "Although it's more fun To have sex with a nun, It's so hard to get into the habit!" There once was a man name of Florin Who was fond of a gal who was whorin' When he looked in her box And found 20 cocks Said, "I'm sure you won't mind just one more in." There once was a girl from Cape Cod Who thought babies came from God It wasn't the Almighty That lifted her nighty It was Jerrry, that dirty dog. There once was a girl called Heather Whose fanny was lined with leather She attracted the boys By making a noise Flapping the edges together! There once was a girl from Siam Who went for a ride in a tram The dirty conductor Jumped up and f*cked her And now she pushes a pram. There once was a girl from Oak Pass Who had a magnificent ass, But 'twas not round and pink As you'd probably think, 'Twas gray had long ears and ate grass. There once was a man from St. Paul Whose prick was incredibly small. He got down on the rug And mounted a bug But the bug didn't feel it at all!! There was a young lady from Norway. Who hung by her knees from the doorway. She cried in the night, With ecstatic delight, "My God! I've discovered one more way!" There once was a young man from Nairs Who liked to have sex on the stairs, With one powerful stroke, The banister broke And he finished her off in mid-air. There once was a man from Australia, Who had extra-large genitalia. He said to his bride, "Don't try to hide, Cause wherever ya go I can nail ya." A scientist from Russia named Adam Took a pot shot at splitting the atom. He blew off his penis, And now, just between us, Is known in the Kremlin as Madam. A lady with features cherubic Was famed for her area pubic When asked of its size She exclaimed in surprise Why Sir, In square feet or cubic? There was a young lady from Sidney Who could take it right up to her kidney, But a man from Quebec Shoved it up to her neck, He had a long one, now didn't' he? "It's my code," says a mailman named Drew, "To unzip, then deliver a screw. If virgins, when nervous, Resist postal service, I explain that the male must get through." There was a young lady, Ann Heiser, Who said no man could suprise her. But Pabst took a chance, Found a Schlitz in her pants, And now she is sadder, Budweiser. There once was a girl from St Paul, Wore a newspaper dress to a ball, The dress caught on fire, And burned her entire Front page, sporting section and all. There once was a pirate named Bates, Who attempted to rhumba on skates. He fell on his cutlass, Which rendered him nutless, And practically useless on dates. There was a young lady from Asia Who shaved her legs with a razor One day she went high Right up past here thigh And the gash it left would amaze ya! A farmer I know named O'Doole Has a long and incredible tool. He can use it to plow, Or to diddle a cow, Or just as a cue stick for pool. My boss is a fellow named Sid With the mind of an eight-year-old kid Just outside his door A sign said, "Wet floor," Sid saw it, and read it ... and did! There was a young sailor from Brighton, Who said "Shit! Your hole is a tight one!" Said the girl, "Shut your face!" "You're in the wrong place!" "There's plenty of room in the right one!" There was a young fellow named Simon Who tried to discover a hymen, But he found every girl Had relinquished her pearl In exchange for a solitaire diamond There was a young vampire called Mabel Whose periods were very unstable one night under the moon she pulled out a spoon and drank herself under the table There was a young lady named Kinter, Who married a man in the winter. The man's name was Wood, And now, as they should, The Woods have a cute little "splinter". There was a young girl from Hoboken Who said that her hymen was broken From riding her bike Down a cobblestone pike When it really was broken from pokin' There once was a man named Mort Whose dick was incredibly short When he climbed into bed His lady friend said "That's not a dick it's a wart" There was a young barmaid called Gail, On whose chest were tattooed the prices of ale. And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information in Braille. Someone slipped Daisy a Mickey and left her a rosey-red hickey. She couldn't recall what happened at all, but she knew that her two lips were sticky There was a young man named Ringer, Who was seducing a beautiful singer. He said with a grin, "I've now rammed it in!" She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?" There once was a man from Bandoo Who fell asleep in a canoe He dreamed of Venus And played with his penis And woke up with a hand full of goo A man stood on trial for his life For loving the corpse of his wife He said to the judge, "She was cold, wouldn't budge, Exactly the same as in life." An overworked hooker once said: I must change the sheets on my bed I've developed a rash On the lips of my gash and the inside's all puffy and red. There once was a man named Dave Who kept a dead whore in a cave He said "Oh what the hell, You get used to the smell, and look at the money you save." There was a young couple named Kelly Who were seemly connected at belly, Because in their haste They use library paste Which they thought was vaginal jelly. I once dated a Poet named Gwyn Who committed a Cardinal Sin When I thought she would drool From the size of my tool She just asked, with a yawn, " ... is it in?" A worried young man from Istamboul Founds lots of red spots on his tool. Said the doctor, a cynic, "Get out of my clinic; And wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" There was a young lady from Brewster Who's ass was so nice that I goosed her, But her panties were thin And my finger slipped in And it still just don't smell like it used ter. There was a young lady from France Who decided she'd just take a chance. She let her self go For an hour or so And now all her sisters are aunts. There was an old fellow called Lear Who existed on oysters and beer. He traveled to Spain, Never came back again, But I think I can smell him from here! My boss is a fellow named Sid With the mind of an eight-year-old kid Just outside his door A sign said, "Wet floor," Sid saw it, and read it ... and did! There once was an old man named Saul, Who picked up a young sexy doll. He was trying his best, When pain hit in his chest, So the doll made a 911 call. There was a young man of Seattle, Who bested a bull in a battle. With fire and gumption, He assumed the bull's function, And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. Italian jokes of renown Make Tony come back with a frown: "I've a riddle for you: What's black and blue And is usually found floating face-down?" There was a young bishop from Trest, Who openly practiced incest. "My sisters and nieces, Are all dandy pieces, And don't cost a cent," he confessed. There was a young nudist from Denver Who had an unusual member; It was stiff as Jello When the weather was mellow. But a popsicle every December! A Limerick Is Best When It's Lewd, Gross, Titillating And Crude. But This One Is Clean Unless You Are Seen Reading It Aloud In The Nude. There was a young man from Tucker, Who met a young lady named Smucker. A hotel room they rented, The arrangements contented, But after reading a flyer on sexually transmitted diseases they took in a movie instead. The night started with hot sexual talk, As they screwed they lost track of the clock. Throughout the next day, They continued to play, Until neither were able to walk! A beauty with charm was my Jane; Personality, looks, and a brain! Yet she lived free from sin (Well, I couldn't get in!) I'll not bother to see her again ... One day as I fished on the sea A mermaid came visiting me Though just right on top T'other end was a flop With no parts to show she was a she. There was a young lady at sea Who said "Gosh, how it hurts me to pee." "I see," said the mate, "That accounts for the state Of the Captain, the purser, and me." A fat man who couldn't be meaner Really liked to play with his weiner. After a day Of jerking away He found that his arms were much leaner. There was a young lady named May, Took a stroll in the park by the bay. She met a young man, Who screwed her and ran. Now she goes to the park everyday. A woman he tried not to covet, Was horny and knew she would love it. So taking a chance, She wrote on her pants, "Pull down here and you'll see where to shove it!" No bananas she said, with a sigh And a tear trickled down from her eye. No cukes, no zucchinis No Oscar Meyer weenies "I'll have to go find me a guy." There once was a guy from Toledo Who strained as he put on his speedo. He finally suceeded, But later conceded, "The damn thing, it kills my libido!" Georgie porgy pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry, When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too, as they were gay. "We all thought the girl out of Wheeling Was devoid of all sexual feeling 'Till a fellow named Boris Barely touched her clitoris And she had to be scraped off the ceiling" There was an old man of Quebec, Who fell through the ice to his neck. When asked "Are you friz?" He answered "I is! But we don't call this cold in Quebec." A young porno star name of Sue Was a hit when it came to a screw. Her climactic fame spread With promotion that said, "Coming Soon, to a Theatre Near You" Hey Diddle Diddle, My penis is little And shrivelled and shrunk like a prune. But if you will squeeze it And tease it, and please it, It'll blow up just like a balloon. Mr. Jones somehow got in a harem He had balls, and he chose there to bare 'em There arose such a shriek He was deaf for a week As they fought over how they would share 'em. A squeamish young fellow named Brand Thought caressing his penis was grand. But he viewed with distaste The gelatinous paste That it left in the palm of his hand. There once was a lad in New York Whose penis had tines like a fork The girls liked it fine 'Till he started to dine Eating carrots and peas with his dork An indiscrete deacon named Fred, Coaxed the minister's wife into bed. She seductively posed, With her blessings exposed, Thank God for this heavenly spread. Miss Smith, an old maid, was quite dour Her face in a frown, always sour 'Till some randy old rooster Came along and he goosed her And she giggled for nearly an hour From your childhood I'm sure you've been taught "Love thy neighbor" 's a praiseworthy thought Let me as your friend Add a phrase to the end: "Love thy neighbor, but please don't get caught!" May the bleeding piles beset you And corns adorn your feet. And crabs as big as horse-turds Crawl up your balls to eat. And when you're old and feeble And a syphilitic wreck May your spine fall through your asshole And break your f*cking neck!! "Let's try it this new way," said Jack As he winked at the girl in the sack. She turned and she grunted, "I should be affronted, But this time I'm taken aback!" I took Sally out back of the shed "I have something to show you," I said She said, "Ugh! What a sight! I know looking's not right, I've a place we can hide it instead." Mary had a little skirt With slits right up the sides And every time she crossed her legs The boys could see her thighs Mary had another skirt With a slit right up the front She never wore that one... There was a young lady named Flo. Whose lover had pulled out too slow. So they tried it all night 'Till he got it just right. Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. There was a young British marine Who tried to fart "god save the queen" When he reached the soprano Out came the guano And his britches weren't fit to be seen. A short-organed fellow named Kevin, Used a vacuum to stretch it to seven, Then to eight and to nine, And thought ten was divine.... There will be film at eleven! There once was a young man named Gene Who invented a screwing machine. Concave and convex It served either sex And it played with itself in between. There was a young lady named Nelly, Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. They could tickle her twat, Or be tied in a knot, And could even swat flies on her belly! There was a young fellow from Yale, Whose face was exceedingly pale... He spent his vacation, In self-masturbation, Because of the high price of tail. There was a young woman from Wild, Who kept herself quite undefiled, By thinking of Jesus... Contagious diseases.... And the bother of having a child. There once was a man named Hyatt, Who's sexual habits were a riot, From horses to hens, To mices and mens, If it had a hole, he would try it. A cock of a fellow named L. Randall, Shot sparks like a big Roman candle, He was much in demand, For the colors were grand, But most girls found him too hot to handle. Young Angie likes lifting her dress, And removing her panties to press, In a manner obscene, 'Gainst the washing machine, To relieve all her work-a-day stress. All over the bed we did roam I swear from my mouth I did foam I was just fit to pop When we both had to stop.. As a voice said "Hey honey, I'm home!!" A Flighty young gal named Melissa, Was careless as hell on the pissa... One day in the rush, She was caught in the flush, And goodness knows all of us missa! There was a young lady from Maine, Who claimed she had men on her brain. But you knew from the view, As her abdomen grew, It was not on her brain that he'd lain. There's an oversexed lady named Whyte, Who insists on a dozen a night. A fellow named Cheddar, Had the brashness to wed her... His chance of survival is slight. There was a young girl named Sapphire Who succumbed to her lover's desire She said: "It's a sin But now that it's in Could you shove it a few inches higher?" There once was a man from Calcutta He fell asleep in the gutta. The tropical heat deffected his meat And turned his cream into butta. There was a young fellow named Skinner Who took a young lady to dinner. At a quarter to nine They sat down to dine; And at a quarter to ten it was in her. Young Marsha is cute as a bunny She's bright and she's clever and funny But I've heard her to say In her bright sunny way "Look sonny, no money, no cunny!" There was a young plumber named Lee Who plumbed his girl down by the sea; Said the lady, "Stop plumbing! I hear someone coming." Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me." As a beauty, I am not a star, There are others more handsome by far. But my face I don't mind it, For I am behind it. It's the people in front that I jar. Since Web sex has swept o'er the nation There's a decrease in our procreation Erotic computers Displaying those hooters Seduce males to ejaculation. "Competition's a bit of a jerk," Said our butcher, while hiding a smirk; "The lazy young slob Sat down on the job, Got a little behind in his work." Bigamy, they say, is a vice, And more than one spouse is not nice, But one is a bore, I'd prefer three or four, And the plural of spouse is spice? Said the whore, after years of research, "I don't want to be left in the lurch I still live by my hole But there's hope for my soul For I give ten percent to my church." There once was a man from Peru Who was vainly attempting to screw. His wife screamed "oy vey, If you keep up this way, The Messiah will come before you" To temptation I'm quick to submit I regret many sins, I admit Yet this is no boast: I regret the most Those sins that I failed to commit! With a blowtorch he set out to melt, His loved one's iron chastity belt. What dampened his yearning, Was pubic hair burning, And he lost the desire he felt. On the internet they found romance That put both in a hot sexual trance But each had a gripe About having to type With a hand stuck down into their pants. A man stood on trial for his life For loving the corpse of his wife He said to the judge, "She was cold, wouldn't budge -- Exactly the same as in life." There is no safe sex on the net, On this fact you surely can bet, Screwed a girl on the screen And ruptured my spleen, And the glass is not out of me yet. There was a young lady named Sue Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw. But one leads to the other, And now she's a mother, Let this be a lesson to you. A scientist from Russia named Adam Took a pot shot at splitting the atom. He blew off his penis, And now, just between us, Is known in the Kremlin as Madam. I sat by the Duchess for tea, And she asked, " Do you fart when you pee?" I said with some wit, "Do you belch when you shit?" And I felt it was one up for me. A Certain Sweet Girl From Key West Was Uncommonly Large In The Chest Any Man's Close Attention To Her Outside Dimension Brought His Own Measurement To Its Best. No bananas she said, with a sigh, And a tear trickled down from her eye. No cukes, no zucchinis, No Oscar Meyer weenies, "I'll have to go find me a guy." There was a young man from Calcutta Who peeked through a hole in a shutter, All he could see Was a prostitute's knee, And the ass of the chap that was up her! A lighthouse keeper called Creighton Took to seeing a lady from Brighton, But ships ran aground, And sailors were drowned, As she wouldn't have sex with the light on. Here's to the girl named Louise Who's pussy hair hung to her knees The crabs got together And Knitted a sweater So in the winter her pussy wouldn't freeze. There once was a girl named Hortence Whose tits were simply immense One day while playing soccer She confused the ball with her knocker And kicked it right over the fence! There once was a man from Bombay Who ate gallons of beans every day He farted so loud, He attracted a crowd But the smell made them all run away. There was a chicken farmer from Hay, Who found his hens wouldn't lay; The trouble was Brewster, His champion rooster; You see, Brewster the rooster was gay! In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, Fondling the breasts of his madam. He smiled with mirth, 'cause he knew that on earth, There were only two boobs, and he had 'em. That wily old pervert St. Nick Made good use of the curve to his dick He glazed the whole shaft Painted stripes, then he laughed As he offered young ladies a lick. There once was a man named McFeeney Who spilled some gin on his weenie Not being uncouth He added vermouth And slipped his wife a martini Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead. Now she takes her lamb to school between two bits of bread. There is a certain young woman named Janet Who's the sexiest dish on the planet From her toe to her palm She's a nuclear bomb And no one, thank God, wants to ban it. To her beau, said the willing young lass, "There's only one thing that I ask: When I am bent over And you're in me like Rover, Please don't set your drink on my ass!". The night was almost gone, As I opened my eyes with a yawn. I was quite amazed With her thighs on my face, I was seeing the crack of Dawn. There once was a woman from Latch, Who jacked herself off with a match. She got so excited, The damn thing ignited, And burnt all the hair off her snatch. I knew a young lady named Claire, Who possessed a magnificent pair, Or that's what I thought, Till I saw one get caught, On a thorn and begin losing air. There was a young woman from Leeds, Who swallowed a packet of seeds, In less than an hour, Her tits were all flowers, And her ass was covered in weeds. There was a gay blade named Broom, Who took a Lesbian up to his room, They argued all night as to who had the right, To do which and with what and to whom. There was a young lady named Gloria, Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" She replied to the chap, "I will draw you a map Of where others have been before ya." The sea captain's tender young bride Fell into the bay at low tide, You could tell by her squeals, That some of the eels, Had discovered a dark place to hide. There was a woman from Cape Cod, Who thought everything was an act of God, But it wasn't the almighty, Who raised up her nightly, It was Roger, the lodger, by God. There once was a girl named Karen That proved to all she was darin' She jumped on a log Got humped by a frog And now all her warts they're a flarin' A fellow from out near Pike's peak, Stood up in a large crowd to speak, Got a tear in his eye, When he noticed his fly, Had been opened since he last took a leak. There once was a man from McBride, Who could fart whenever he tried, At a contest he blew Two thousand and two, Then shit and was disqualified. There once was a young man named Brewster Who said to his wife as he goosed her, "This used to be grand, But look at my hand, You're not wiping as clean as you used ta'" A winded young lass named Voghill, Sat down to rest on a molehill. The resident mole, Stuck his nose in her hole. Miss Voghill's okay, but the mole's ill. Mr. Clinton woke up one Sunday Had a hard on and it was a dandy He said to his aide "Please bring me a maid, Or an intern, or whatever is handy!" There once was a man from Iraq Who had holes down the length of his cock When he got an erection, He'd would play a selection From Johan Sebastian Bach There was a young maid of Peru Who swore she never would screw, Except under stress Of forceful duress, Like: 'I'm ready. How about you?' Said a woman with open delight, "My pubic hair's perfectly white. I admit there's a glare, But the fellows don't care. They locate it more quickly at night." The Right Reverend Dean of St. Just Was consumed with erotical lust He buggered three men Two mice and a hen And a little green lizard that bust. An accident really uncanny, Befell an unfortunate granny. She sat down in a chair While her false teeth were there, And bit herself right in the fanny. There was a young girl from Dunellen That the lads in the shipyard called Ellen In her efforts to please She spread social disease From New York to the straights of Magellan There was a young lady from Bermuda Who met a young man named McGruder She thought it was shrewd To be wooed in the nude But McGruder was shrewder and screwed her! Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, Use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky. There was a young woman named Melanie Who was asked by a man, 'Do you sell any?' She replied, 'No, siree, I give it for free. To sell it, dear sir, is a felony.'