Crullers’ Tour Diaries
FBT Convention VI

Talking Footy Banter

[Intro music fades – “Monday night, we’re Talking Footy…”]

Gerard: Hello and welcome to a special edition of Talking Footy, this week titled “Talking Footy Banter”. As always, Mike Sheehan and Malcolm Blight are here on the couch to do the talking. Gentlemen – good evening.

Mike: Hi Gerard, hi Malcolm.

Malcolm: G’day Mike, hi Gerard.

Gerard: As you may have noticed, this is a slightly different edition of Talking Footy tonight. This week we talk about the legendary Footy Banter Team’s most recent Convention, FBT Convention VI, held in Sydney over the weekend of the 8th and 9th of April 2000. Channel Seven’s cameras caught up with the boys as they went about their thing over the weekend and have we got some interesting footage for you tonight. As always there’ll be some special guests to help us do the talking – more on them later. But first to you Mike – there were only four Banterers in attendance at this Convention – is the FBT in crisis?

Mike: Oh, look Gerard there’s no doubt the FBT’s in crisis. Four Banterers at the Sydney Convention, they’ve had all year to plan for this, Crullers only spent half of the Saturday at the Convention due to family commitments, Boydy followed Crullers’ lead and turned up late on the Saturday, Arma left town for the weekend to go fishing and wine tasting, Punchy was a no show among the Sydney contingent and the Loose Cannon Ockers competed in a triathlon rather than nudge the turps with his FBT mates. Of the Melbourne Chapter, only WALDO made the trek north to take part in FBTCVI – Mero was a late scratching when She Who Must Be Obeyed put the foot down. There’s no doubt there’s trouble out there in Banter land.

Malcolm: Come off it Mike! I mean, really, that’s just a simplistic view of the Convention. When you look at the four blokes who made it out onto the paddock for the Convention – two founding fathers in Boydy and Leachy and two Gold Members in WALDO and Crullers – you can’t say they didn’t have a quality team on the field for the game. And when you look at what they achieved in about a day and a half, I think it was something pretty special which we’ll look back on later and say “hang on, that Convention was pretty good”.

Gerard: Well, we could argue this point until the cows come home, but let’s take you back to where it started. On Saturday afternoon, Boydy popped around to Crullers’ brother’s place and picked up Crullers after Crullers’ niece’s third birthday party.

Mike: Now Malcolm I’ve been a big fan of Crullers in the past and his record at Conventions has been exemplary. But I just thought his preparation for this Convention wasn’t quite right and he really wasn’t 100% “Convention-fit”.

Malcolm: Look, no doubt about that Mike. Crullers himself has said in the press since the Convention that he lacked a lot of sleep before the Convention, he filled up on too much fairy bread, chocolate crackles and cordial at the three year old’s birthday and he was clearly going to struggle from the moment the Founding Fathers declared the Convention “open”.

Gerard: Boydy on the other hand – the consummate Convention professional.

Mike: That’s right Gerard – he was well rested, had the fire in the belly given that he was now challenging for the FBT pool championship and you could tell he was pumped up for a big one. He said in the press in the lead up to the Convention that he was “mentally imaging” for the Convention – visualising in his head exactly how the Convention was going to turn out. He had it all prepared well in advance.

Gerard: Well, Boydy’s first masterstroke was to take Crullers to the Coburg Oval to see a half of the Coburg-Fitzroy v Sandringham game.

Malcolm: I think Gerard that just epitomises what Mike was saying about Boydy’s preparation. It really was a stroke of genius. And Crullers certainly didn’t think of this. I just thought it was magnificent. It gave Crullers a chance to see his club – even though they were wearing that Bombers-like guernsey that Crullers obviously would loathe and detest – and it gave Crullers a chance to wear his brand new Fitzroy sleeveless guernsey and show off his Ace Frehley tatt to the assembled mullet brigade. And you could tell Crullers was just rapped when one bogan complimented him on his Fitzroy jumper and then another complimented him on his Ace Frehley tatt.

Mike: Oh, absolutely. And wasn’t Boydy just rapped to be able to buy VBs in cans at the footy again? Look, you can’t give Boydy too much credit for suggesting that he and Crullers start off their leg of the Convention at the VFL. I think it’s something the FBT will seriously consider for future Conventions.

Gerard: And while this was happening, a thousand kilometres to the north of Boydy and Crullers, Leachy and WALDO were having an altogether different Convention experience.

Mike: Well things started out well for Leachy and WALDO. There we see shots of the two of them down at Trumper Oval banging long bombs at “Snake” – you’ll notice Leachy’s form picked up miraculously after he’d downed a few brews. He was slotting them in at all angles later in the day, but early on he’d miss shots that even Barry Round would have snaffled. And WALDO of course backed two nags that got up to pay handsome dividends – one of whom was called “Handpass”. And to top it all off, the boys kept up Convention tradition by having a beer at the Royal – in Paddington mind you, but a Royal nonetheless. But really, things went awry when they tried to watch the footy at the Royal and they were thwarted by a seemingly never-ending Davis Cup doubles match.

Malcolm: I really feel for WALDO here. I mean, here’s a bloke who more so than anyone else in the FBT put his heart and soul into this Convention. He made the hard yards, got up to Sydney early on the Saturday and all he and Leachy wanted to do was sit down and have a couple of brews while watching the footy on the Saturday afternoon. And of course, thanks to Pat Rafter and Mark Woodforde not finishing off their unknown German doubles opponents in straight sets, Leachy and WALDO had to put up with Davis Cup tennis for most of Saturday afternoon rather than getting to watch the Carlton v Essendon game on the box. You could just tell with Leachy and especially WALDO – they were gutted.

Mike: But Malcolm, don’t you think things could’ve worked out better if they’d planned a bit better?

Malcolm: No.

Mike: But I mean, they knew that the footy would follow the conclusion of the Davis Cup, they knew…

Malcolm: Exactly. They had no control over whether they could watch the footy or not. I’m not sure if it’s the Convention Co-ordinator’s fault, the AFL’s fault, Channel Seven’s fault or whoever. I just think it’s something that should be looked at to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I mean, you can’t have two blokes on an FBT Convention watching tennis on a Saturday afternoon – it’s just ridiculous.

Mike: And of course when they did finally get to watch the footy, there were a couple of other setbacks for WALDO. I mean, first he had “Dr Mero” give an instant diagnosis at half time that Silvagni had done his knee and was “gone”. Silvagni of course came back on for the start of the third quarter and played the entire match out. And secondly, WALDO needed the Bombers to get up by 25 points or more for WALDO to have a third collect at the Lucky Shop. As we all know now, the Bombers won by a mere 24 points – a victory that Mero described as “contemptuous” – and WALDO didn’t collect.

Gerard: Well, disappointment for Leachy and WALDO there no doubt. But coming up after the break, we’ll see what happens when Boydy and Crullers fly into Sydney town.

[Theme music instrumental. Shots of Boydy and Crullers boarding QANTAS flight QF 452 from Tullamarine.]

----------Commercial break----------

[Theme music instrumental. Shots of Boydy and Crullers departing QANTAS flight QF 452 at Mascot.]

Gerard: Welcome back to Talking Footy Banter. Well, Mike and Malcolm we just saw shots of Boydy and Crullers on their way to the Convention. Mike, your story in this morning’s Herald-Sun seemed to suggest that Crullers could’ve been in a lot worse shape at the Convention than what he ended up being in.

Mike: Well, Gerard, tongues are wagging in Redfern at the moment. Apparently the plane that Boydy and Crullers were on was only a quarter full, there was a not unattractive blonde sitting by herself in the row in front of Crullers and my sources have suggested that Crullers almost made a Nicks Medal attempt at this young lady.

Malcolm: Surely there must be more to it than that? I mean, this wouldn’t be the first time Crullers has talked about making a Nicks medal attempt and has come up two hours late?

Mike: Well, my spies have revealed that this time it was lucky for Crullers that he didn’t muster up the Dutch courage. Apparently when this young lady got off the plane she was greeted by a young man who was built like the proverbial brick outhouse and Crullers would have had some very fast talking to do had he made amorous advances towards this young piece of fluff!

[Chuckles all round.]

Gerard: So, with their feet on Sydney soil, Boydy and Crullers got a cab back to Chez Crullers and got on the phone to Leachy and WALDO to line up the first watering hole for the night’s festivities. Malcolm, could you see signs emerging at this stage that there were cracks emerging in the FBT’s veneer?

Malcolm: No, I don’t think so. I mean, sure Leachy and Crullers haggled for a while about which pub they should go to. Leachy had made up his mind that he wanted the Darlinghurst Pub, Crullers wasn’t so sure. But that’s all part of the cut and thrust of an FBT Convention, I would have thought.

Mike: But Malcolm, don’t you think it’s unusual that Crullers would object so strongly to going to a pub which Leachy had recommended on the grounds that it might have been a “butt bar”.

Malcolm: I don’t think it’s unusual. Look, the guys in the FBT were conned by Arma into going into the Taxi Club at the previous Sydney Convention without knowing what they were getting themselves into. I think it’s perfectly natural that they would be wary of any other possible “set-ups”.

Gerard: Well, Crullers was showing signs on the plane that he wasn’t feeling too well and he admitted to Boydy that he may have been coming down with the ’flu. When they got back to Chez Crullers, he popped himself a couple of Codrals and had a shower to try to revive himself while Boydy entertained himself with Crullers’ “Cream” video.

[Chuckles all round.]

Gerard: Now, we must point out that the “Cream” video we’re referring to is of course the rock group “Cream” – it’s not some stick flick in Crullers’ extensive video collection! Mike, do you think Crullers really had a chance to put in a big Convention after popping those Codrals?

Mike: Oh, no chance Gerard. I mean, I’ve read the warnings on Codral packets, I’ve talked to club medical staff. You just can’t swallow a couple of Codrals and expect to mix them with the sort of drinking that an FBT Convention requires.

Gerard: Well, against best medical common sense, Boydy and Crullers ventured out to meet up with Leachy and WALDO at the Darlo Pub for their 7:30 rendezvous.

Malcolm: And it’s interesting to note, Gerard, just as we look at the footage of Boydy and Crullers being cabbed to the pub – there’s Boydy again quizzing the cabbie on the NCNN theory. I mean, he’s put in that little 1 percenter at every opportunity during the Convention and the pre-Convention lead up with Crullers. He did it when the Delta Car Rentals courtesy bus was driving he and Crullers to Tullamarine airport from the Delta Car park, he did it again when he and Crullers were cabbing it from Mascot airport to Chez Crullers despite being driven by a Vietnamese cabbie with very little English, and now he’s done it again for the third time in the space of about two hours. I mean, that’s just a fantastic effort from Boydy. I suppose the only aspect of his game that you could be critical about – and this really is splitting hairs – is that he didn’t go up to the cockpit of the plane and ask the pilots what they thought of the NCNN theory!

[Chuckles all round.]

Gerard: Well as we said earlier, it took a bit of convincing from Leachy to get Crullers to agree to the Darlinghurst Hotel to be the starting point, but wasn’t Crullers eating his words the second he walked in the door?

Mike: Oh, no doubt about it Gerard. I mean, we saw some footage earlier on before we came on air of Crullers entering the Darlo Hotel. I think he was two paces in the door when he clearly turned around to Boydy and said “I tell you what, Boydy! There’s a bit about in this place.”

Malcolm: And Boydy too was clearly impressed with the talent on offer. I mean, Boydy’s happily under the thumb so he doesn’t go for the Matty Nicks Medal stuff that some of the other blokes in the FBT are into, but gee wasn’t he impressed with the pair of cans on one of the chicks at the pub?

Gerard: Well, one thing Boydy wasn’t impressed with was Leachy and WALDO’s punctuality. Malcolm, with Chez Leachy just a five minute stroll around the corner, you would’ve thought Leachy and WALDO could’ve done better than turn up half an hour late?

Malcolm: Absolutely Gerard. I mean, that sort of tardiness is unacceptable when there’s an FBT Convention going on. Boydy had to take the unprecedented step of declaring the Convention open without his fellow Founding Father present. But in the end Leachy and WALDO were half an hour late and it really didn’t have a lasting impact on the Convention.

Mike: What – you don’t think Boydy and Crullers felt snubbed by Leachy and WALDO, Malcolm? It was pretty clear to me that from that point on there were two distinct factions within the FBT – the Boydy - Crullers camp and the Leachy – WALDO camp. I mean, you look at the seating arrangements at dinner, the partnerships on the pool table – it all points to there being a real “two-on-two” mentality at the Convention rather than four teammates all pulling together for the common good of the FBT.

Malcolm: That’s just ridiculous Mike! You’re reading far too much into a couple of ‘nothing’ incidents there. I mean, their performance next up was just a vintage display of FBT creativity.

Gerard: Well, next item on the Convention was the traditional FBT “get alFie”. And what a good “get alFie” it was, Malcolm.

Malcolm: Unquestionably one of the best, Gerard. The boys worked this one a treat. I mean, WALDO got onto 013, found out the number of the only “B Knight” in Portland, rang up and asked to speak to Katrina. Cleverly disguising his voice and going under the name “Darren Beewick”, he got the goss out of Katrina as to alFie’s on-field efforts that day – 6 goals playing from the centre mind you – and then asked to be put on to Barry. He had a few words to alFie, passed the phone around to Crullers – cleverly disguised as Paul Barnard – who had a few words and passed the phone around to Boydy and then Leachy, who both went under assumed names of Essendon hacks. It might have been Judd Lalich and Dean Wallis? I’m not sure.

Mike: But don’t you think there was a lot of friction in the air, Malcolm? I mean, alFie’s first words to Leachy were “so you’ve worked out the home number?!”. Surely that’s a sign that alFie’s fed up with the inevitable Convention “get alFie” – especially with alFie Junior only a matter of weeks away?

Malcolm: No, I think alFie now braces himself every time there’s a Convention on. I’m sure he’s appreciative that he’s not getting phone calls at 3am from the Taxi Club. I mean, it could be worse.

Gerard: Well, one thing that did get worse very quickly was the state of Crullers’ health when they hit the Oxford Street Vietnamese restaurant. We’ll have all the highlights right after this break.

[Theme music instrumental. Shots of Boydy, Leachy, WALDO and Crullers getting knocked back at a variety of Oxford Street restaurants that have the “house full” sign out front..]

----------Commercial break----------

[Theme music instrumental. Shots of the FBT at last getting welcomed into a restaurant that has the capacity and the guts to take them on.]

Gerard: Well there we see the FBT taking their seats around the dinner table at a quiet little Oxford Street Vietnamese restaurant. And Mike, the state of Crullers’ health took a quick dive for the worse.

Mike: That’s right Gerard. There’s no doubt Crullers shouldn’t have been out there that night. I mean, it was a courageous effort to take the field for the Convention when he was coming down with a pretty nasty bout of the ’flu, but I think there really was the potential for him to be a detriment to the team. I mean he was virtually non-stop at it with the snot-rag, there’s no telling what sort of germs he could’ve spread among the FBT that night. Thankfully, Boydy, Leachy and WALDO seemed to escape the weekend with a clean bill of health. And let’s not forget that it was Crullers who was keen to order a dish with the patented “hot little bastards” in them – and they were the trigger that set his honker running like a tap.

Malcolm: Gee, that’s a bit harsh, Mike. I mean Crullers walked through fire to make it to the Convention – particularly so he could defend his FBT Pool Championship belt. I don’t think you were going to see him slink home at 8pm just because of a mild bout of the ’flu.

Mike: Well I just think it was not right that Crullers should take the field for a Convention when he clearly wasn’t 100%. He just wasn’t contributing. I mean, as an example, Crullers ordered his meal first and ordered the dishes by their English names. WALDO ordered second and order the dishes by their Vietnamese names. Boydy ordered third and order by the numbers on the dishes. And the piece de resistance, Leachy ordered last and ordered by the Roman numeral equivalent of the numbers on the dishes – just to completely fool the waiter! It was clever, wasn’t it? But what was Crullers’ input to the gag – nothing?! And I think WALDO should get full credit for firing things up at the restaurant. It was WALDO’s stroke of genius that saw the FBT quiz their waiter all night as to what dishes did particular numbers relate to…. “42?” – “Curried chicken”; “69” – “Bearded clam”…It was a real treat!

Gerard: After the dinner festivities the boys made their way down Oxford Street to find a suitable watering hole but on their way WALDO recommended a stop at the Tool Shed. And I must say, Boydy showed a keen liking for the black, 21 inch double-ended dildo, Malcolm!

Malcolm: Well Boydy wasn’t alone there. I mean, WALDO loves a black, 21 inch double-ended dildo as much as the next bloke, but he also showed a keen appreciation for the butt plug – and weren’t there some spectacular butt plugs on offer there at the Tool Shed?

Gerard: Well after the arousal of the Tool Shed the boys headed down to the Palace Hotel, scene of some very amorous advances being made by “Corey” to both Crullers and Arma at FBTCIV.

Mike: Well thankfully for the boys there were no such concerns at FBTCVI, but what really would’ve concerned them was their abysmal showings on the pool table. I mean, they had plenty of opportunities to prove themselves, but really they just couldn’t stamp their collective authority on the pool table in the manner we’ve become accustomed to seeing from the FBT.

Malcolm: I’d have to say I agree with you on that one, Mike. I mean, usually it only takes the FBT a few games of blindingly brilliant pool and some offensive behaviour towards their opponents’ spouses and you’ll quickly see the pool table deserted but for the FBT. At the Palace Hotel though, they just didn’t have the chemistry and really weren’t a force to be reckoned with. They had some pretty lame opposition but they kept coming back for more of the FBT.

Gerard: So did that showing signal the end of the FBT as a force on pub pool tables around the land?

Mike: I don’t think so. I think they’ve been over-rated for a long time – most often they themselves do the over-rating – and these games at The Palace merely spelled out a few home truths.

Malcolm: I’d have to say I agree with you there, Mike. I mean, at Convention V we saw the FBT get beaten by skivvy-wearing Uni students at the Napier Hotel in Fitzroy. If they thought they were any good before that humbling experience, then they shouldn’t have afterwards. Really what it boils down to for me is the fact that they’re all very competitive as individuals, but when it comes to doing the “team thing” in doubles competition, they’re often found wanting.

Gerard: Well after the disgraceful display on the pool table at The Palace, the FBT moved on to Kinselas, once a bastion of the Sydney live rock scene, but on this occasion it played host to a washed up old scrag of a singer fronting a very mediocre blues band. The FBT didn’t stay there very long!

Mike: And that was a good thing, too! Thankfully they had a drink each and bolted, because Kinselas wasn’t the place to be that night.

Gerard: And up until this point – it was about midnight when they left Kinselas – Crullers still hadn’t lived up to his promise to defend the UPCFBT title “24/7”. That all changed when they went to Crullers’ favourite late night watering hole, Bar Broadway. But before they could put the pool title on the line, they had to secure themselves a table, so they put the UPCFBT title holder and the number 1 challenger, Boydy, up against a very ordinary looking pair of pool players.

Malcolm: I think this again showed up a bit of a character flaw that’s reared its ugly head in the FBT – and that is that they often take opponents too lightly if at face value they look like the FBT could steamroll them. Here we had the FBT up against a Uni-student type and some young girl who had a haircut like Lisa Simpson – which the FBT were quick to notice – and the FBT thought they could have their opponents on toast. In the end, it took plenty of challenges from the FBT and plenty of coinage into the pool table before they could rid the table of any opposition.

Mike: I agree Malcolm. I mean, first we had Crullers and Boydy go down, then Leachy and WALDO couldn’t get the job done, Crullers and Boydy came back for another crack and then finally Leachy and WALDO won a game and cleared the table of third party opposition. But it was a telling victory which was sealed by Leachy. I mean, the FBT had “Lisa Simpson” putting them off with her stupid dance moves right next to the table. It got to a ridiculous point when Leachy lined up for the black and almost had “Lisa Simpson” doing an unco-ordinated samba right over the pocket that Leachy was aiming for. Full credit to Leachy though – he showed great presence of mind to step back, adjust the glasses, give “Lisa Simpson” a glare and calmly slot the black for the win. That really burst the table wide open and the FBT were free to do with it what they pleased.

Gerard: And once they had the table to themselves, Crullers wasn’t slow to declare that he’d take on Boydy first, whip his candy arse, then whip WALDO and then whip Leachy. And true to his word, he knocked the three of them off one after the other.

Mike / Malcolm: [Chuckles]

Gerard: Oh, come on you blokes – get your minds out of the gutter!

Mike: [More chuckles] I must say though Gerard, it was a clinical display by Crullers – probably the best form he’s shown at an FBT Pool Championship. He really didn’t give any of his opponents a chance to get into the game at all. And then Crullers issued a fresh challenge to all comers…

Gerard / Malcolm: [Chuckles]

Mike: Oh, come on you blokes…which Boydy and WALDO took up and which Leachy declined. Crullers summarily dismissed Boydy and WALDO’s challenges and held on to the title.

Gerard: And of course by now the clock had ticked over to the wee hours of the morning, so Leachy and WALDO retreated back to the comfort of Chez Leachy, but Boydy and Crullers still had a couple of games of pool left in them at Bar Broadway. And who should walk in the door at about 3:30am but a Bar Broadway regular – a young lady with something of an Eastern European accent who Crullers only knows as “the psycho chick” because she runs a mile the second any bloke (Crullers included) tries to talk to her.

Malcolm: We know that Crullers gave Boydy the drum on this chick, so Boydy knew what to expect and not bother trying to talk to her. But there were a couple of Banterers more than a little surprised when she approached Boydy and asked him to partner her in a game of pool!

Mike: By this stage Crullers and Boydy were completely shot, so the Big Fella didn’t do himself justice on the pool table, but didn’t he do well in striking up a conversation with the psycho chick?! I think she might have actually answered Boydy’s “how ya goin’?” with a muted “good”!

Malcolm: But I think that’s all Boydy got out of her!

Gerard: Well after all that excitement on the pool table, Boydy and Crullers called it a night and retired to Chez Crullers, where Boydy enjoyed the comforts of Crullers’ new maroon sofa-bed futon. After the break, we’ll see what happened on day two of FBTCVI.

[Theme music instrumental. Shots of Boydy and Crullers staggering back to Chez Crullers in the wee hours.]

----------Commercial break----------

[Theme music instrumental. Shots of Boydy and Crullers hoeing into the patented Chez Crullers breakfast menu of party pies and mini sausage rolls.]

Gerard: Welcome back to Talking Footy Banter, as we see FBT Founding Father Boydy and FBT Gold Member Crullers tucking into some party pies and mini sausage rolls – the traditional Chez Crullers FBT Convention breakfast. In a departure from tradition, however, Crullers couldn’t make it to Woolworths to get the Home Brand articles – instead he had to settle for Coles plain label sausage rolls and Four’n’Twenty party pies.

Mike: Well I think the more scandalous break from tradition though Gerard was the fact that Boydy and Crullers imbibed some performance-enhancing substances to overcome their hangovers on the Sunday morning of the Convention. It doesn’t say much for the FBT when two of its more senior members need to resort to Beroccas on the morning of a Convention to pick themselves up. In my books that should be a reportable incident –I think those two should have really had the book thrown at them from the FBT disciplinary committee. I suspect they were saved by virtue of Boydy being a Founding Father – if it was anyone else with less clout in the FBT I have no doubt they would have been made to pay for their weak efforts.

Malcolm: In Crullers’ case I think you can excuse it given that he was pretty ill with the ’flu the night before, but as you say Mike, I think the boys got away with murder here.

Gerard: And what of Leachy and WALDO, who spent their Sunday pre-match at a trendy Eastern suburbs eatery?

Mike: Well that just shows to me again how the mettle of the FBT is really weakening. These are two blokes who you would think epitomise the “hardcore” attitude of the FBT but there they were, happily sipping away at their Café Lattes and munching on Foccaccias with olives, sundried tomatoes, smoked salmon and all manner of food that you wouldn’t ordinarily associate with the FBT. These guys are very much anti-Chardonnay set.

Gerard: Well, with a 2:10 start for the Kangaroos v Swans game at the SCG – also known as the Boydy Derby – the four Banterers agreed to meet at the SCG at 1:30 to give themselves plenty of time to soak up the atmosphere. And while Boydy and Crullers were kept waiting by the errant Leachy and WALDO, Crullers masterfully spotted our old friend Bruce McAvaney weaving his way through the crowd.

Malcolm: It was good spotting by Crullers. But gee I was disappointed with the fact he couldn’t seal a “Celebrity Skin” and only got a run of the mill photo with himself and Bruce and then Boydy and Bruce.

Gerard: Well lets go to the videotape and see Bruce deliver the big “don’t argue” to Crullers as he strives for yet another “Celebrity Skin”.

[Shots of Boydy and Crullers loitering outside SCG with a sizeable crowd milling about. Bruce McAvaney walks through the crowd, immaculately dressed in Channel Seven blazer, blue slacks and hair centimetre perfect. Crullers’ eyes light up.]

Crullers: Boydy! It’s Bruce!

[Crullers dashes over to Bruce.]

Crullers: G’day Bruce – Crullers from the Footy Banter Team. [Shakes hands.] Do you mind if I get my photo taken with you?

Bruce: Not at all. [Looks down and notices Crullers’ Fitzroy guernsey.] Gee – haven’t seen one of them for a while. You’re a Fitzroy fan?

Crullers: Yep – me and Boydy were out at Coburg yesterday to see the Coburg-Fitzroy Lions taken on Sandringham.

Bruce: Who, Brad Boyd?

Crullers: No, Ben Boyd – Founding Father of the Footy Banter Team. [Crullers gestures towards his esteemed FF.]

Boydy: G’day Bruce [Shakes hands.]

Crullers: Bruce do you mind just putting on my cap while we take the shot? It’s for…

Bruce: Oh, look, sorry mate I can’t do that…

Crullers: Fair enough…don’t want to mess the hair up, that sort of thing…

[Boydy takes shot of Crullers and Bruce. Crullers returns the favour.]

Bruce: OK – I’ve got to dash now.

Crullers: Thanks a lot Bruce.

Boydy: Thanks Bruce – have a “special” call today! [Chuckles all round.]

[Back to the couch.]

Gerard: Well that was a bit of a slap in the face for Crullers. The SCG hasn’t been a happy hunting ground for him for Celebrity Skins – he’s now been knocked back by Bruce, Dennis Pagan and he couldn’t even skin Peter McKenna, of all people!

[Chuckles all round.]

Well the game itself was pretty forgettable – an inept display by the Swans saw the Kangaroos break the game wide open in a seven goal burst in 10 minutes which won the game for them. The Banter during the game was none too memorable, but at the post-match drinks things really hotted up with the FBT’s special guest Greg Miller.

Mike: I think WALDO deserves a lot of credit for lining up the FBT’s favourite CEO. I mean, at the time, Miller was pitching for the AFL’s second-in-command position, so he was hard to track down. But it was a great opportunity for the boys in the FBT to lock horns with some top brass in the AFL and get their grass roots message to someone who counts.

Gerard: After having Greg Miller’s ear for the best part of twenty minutes and seeing Miller’s “Aren’t I popular with the ladies?” routine when a young blonde came to have a chat, the FBT went off for the final session of FBTCVI – post-post-match drinks at the Bat & Ball Hotel.

Malcolm: This for mine was the best part of the Convention and I think we’ve just seen the birth of a new FBT Convention tradition – the post-match darts game.

Gerard: Yes, seeing the pool tables occupied, the FBT made their way to the Bat & Ball’s darts board, shifted a crusty old bar fly out of the danger zone and Boydy introduced them to the joys of “Darts Footy”. Seeing them ply their trade at something new was quite special, if I can use Bruce’s trademark this once.

Mike: Absolutely Gerard. Quite frankly I’m tired of seeing Boydy and Crullers dominating the pool championship, so it was very refreshing to see Leachy get up and take the FBT darts world by storm. And when the other boys tried to “make things interesting” by giving each Banterer three shots per quarter with both hands, Leachy still maintained his stranglehold on the competition. It was an impeccable performance.

Gerard: Well there you have it. That’s it for FBTCVI. Gentlemen, your votes for best on ground during the Convention?

Mike: I couldn’t split them Gerard. You’d have to give them three votes each. Leachy for his darts work, WALDO for snaring Greg Miller, Crullers for his pool table efforts and Boydy for his NCNN work.

Malcolm: Amazingly Gerard, I agree with Mike on this one. Three votes each.

Gerard: If our astute judges can’t split them, then I’ll have to declare it a tie. That’s it for our “Talking Footy Banter” special this week. We’ll see you next week when “Talking Footy” returns.

[Outro music instrumental, lighting on set fades.]