Billy Joe Bob Strife's First Love

Billy Joe Bob Strife's First Love

 Note: Tifa Lockheart and all other characters from Final Fantasy VII, as well as the world
of FF VII belong to Squaresoft.  Billy Joe Bob Strife on the other hand is my own

     Tifa Lockheart was trying to take stock of the mess in her shop.  She had decided that
she needed to go back to Midgar to take stock in the situation and clean things up a bit. 
Even as she cleaned up her shop, her mind was really in Nibelheim.  After the death of
Sephiroth, Cloud had decided to go back to Nibelheim to see if any of his lingering
questions about his past and all that had happened to him might be answered.  Tifa was
looking forward to getting her affairs here in order and going back to Nibelheim as well. 
While she didn't have the attachment to the town that Cloud seemed to, she did want to be
near him.  While Cloud still thought about that goodie two shoes "miss prissy" quite a bit,
Tifa was confident that with a bit of time, and a bit of not very subtle encouragement, she
would soon be Tifa Strife.

    While she was working at getting things cleaned up, she began to notice on oder.  As
soon as she smelled it, she began to look around nervously.  There were only two things
she knew of that made that smell.  It was either Choco Billy's ranch on a hot summer
day...or else HE was around.  She quickly looked toward the door, and sure enough, there
he was, Billy Joe Bob Strife.

    Tifa didn't know Billy all that well, as even as a kid, he rarely came into Nibelheim. 
However, she saw that he hadn't changed.  He was still the same smelly, uncouth
disgusting creature that he always was.

   Billy spat some disgusting brown goo onto a section of floor that she had just mopped
and said "Tifa! 'Tis good ta see yas!  I missed ya when ol' Cuz Cloud came home.  I is on
muh way home from taken out some varmint and decided to stop by and see ya.  How can
ya stand it here..there is so many people.  Would ya believe that someone started ta yell at
me when I went squirell huntin near that big buildin over thataways?"

    Tifa groaned inwardly, this was the last thing she needed.  She had never figured out
how Cloud and Billy had come out of the same gene-pool. Billy was a disgusting freak of nature, 
an inbred fool that no one could tolerate. Just when she thought her day
couldn't get any worse,  she got more company.  Five ill-dressed punks from the
neighborhood came strolling into her shop.

    "Hey babe!  I see ya got this place all nice and cleaned up.  Why don't you give us all
your valuables.  If you do, we won't have to hurt you.  Of course, we wouldn't mind taking
you with us either, you are one fine piece of meat!" the leader said.

    Tifa could barely supress a giggle.  She had seen this pack of street toughs around town. 
After everything with Sephiroth, Cornejo, Hojo, Heideigger and their ilk, taking out this
pack would hardly be worth the sweat it would cost.  Even as she tried to think of a way to
shoo them out without messing up her store, disaster happened.

  "Hey! Youse! Dont ya dares talk ta my Tifa like that! I think I is gonna have to teach yas
how ta act like a gentleman!" Billy shouted as he pulled out his rifle.

   Tifa wasn't sure if she should be more upset about the impending brawl in her freshly
cleaned shop, or being called "My Tifa" by Billy.  She tried to calm Billy down, but before
she could, Billy started blasting away with his rifle.  The first round went out the window
and picked off a bird flying by.  "Gee, that might be the first time he's ever hit a moving
bird" Tifa chuckled to herself.  The next round nearly broke her her heart though.  It
blasted apart her favorite picture, a picture of  the gang just before they all went their
spearate ways, and Cloud had his arm around her shoulder.

    Before Tifa could tell Billy to stop shooting, the goons jumped him.  They took turns
beating on him with sticks, chains, their fists and anything else they could find.  However,
no matter how hard they pounded on him, they just couldn't do anything.  Finally Billy
managed to crawl away long enough to grab his rifle.  Since he had used up all his bullets,
he instead reached for the materia in the butt of the gun and launched a fire spell.  The
fireball went past the goons and crashed into Tifa's TV set.

    "Aarrggh!" Tifa cried, as she jumped into the fray.  Before long, the goons were
bleeding, screaming and running.  She "encouraged" the last one out the door with a nice
Beat Rush and slammed the door and took a second to catch her breath.

    While she was trying to catch her wits, she felt a hand began to slowly rub her shoulder. 
"Hey, Tifa baby! I done defended your honor, don't ya think I deserve a present for that"
Billy said as he continued to move his hand down her back.

   Tifa dropped to the ground, and swept Billy's feet out from underneath him.  Even as
Billy hit the ground, Tifa rolled away from him and reached out and pulled out the only
materia she was carrying at the time... a master Summon materia.  "KNIGHTS OF THE
ROUND" she cried, and watched as 12 different knights each appeared and began to
attack Billy.  With each stroke of the knights, Tifa began to feel a little better.  Even this
idiot couldn't take this sort of punishment.  Finally, the last knight finished his attack and
faded back to whereever summon creatures go.  Tifa could barely believe her eyes: Billy
was still standing.

    "Oh, Tifa-baby, ya is playin hard ta get!  Ya knows how I like a filly with spirit!"  Billy
said as he began to approach Tifa again, with his lips puckered up for a kiss, and his eyes

    However, Billy didn't get the kiss he expected.  Instead, Tifa kicked him "south of the
border" with everything she had.  Billy's eyes opened, and then rolled back in his head, and
Billy fell to the ground with a resounding thump.  While Billy was still out, she quickly
stuffed him into a box and sent him off to Yuffie, deciding that this was ample revenge for
that little Materia caper.

    Over the course of the next few weeks, Tifa found that the nightmares were even harder
to get rid of then Billy was.

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