Amazing that such a hilariously truthful view of mankind was created by the same man who wrote "Beavis & Butthead Do America."

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Mina: Corporate acounts payable Mina speaking. Just a moment.

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Samir: Why does it say 'paper jam' when there is no paper jam? I swear to God one day I kick this piece of shit out the window.

Michael: You and me both, man. Thing is lucky I'm not armed.

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Michael: Well, at least you name isn't Michael Bolton.

Samir: There is nothing wrong with that name.

Michael: There was nothing wrong with it. Until I was about 12 years old and that no-talent-ass-clown became famous and starting winning grammys.

Samir: Why don't you just go by 'Mike' instead of Michael?

Michael: No way. Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.

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Peter: (speaking of the hypnotherapist) I really think he might be able to help. I mean, he did help Anne lose weight.

Samir: Peter, she's anorexic.

Peter: Yeah, I know. The guy's really good.

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Peter: Is that Sincowski? What's he doing?

Michael: Oh, probably working on another heart attack.

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Tom Sincoswski: Well, alright. It was a "jump to conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor, and it would have different conclusions written on it, that you could jump to.

Michael: That is the worst idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom.

Samir: Yes. Yes, it is horrible, this idea.

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Peter: Let me ask you something. When you come in on a Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you "sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays?"

Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked saying something like that, man.

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Peter: It doesn't really matter. I don't like my job, and I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.

Joanna: You're just not gonna go.

Peter: Yeah.

Joanna: Won't you get fired?

Peter: I don't know. But I really don't like it, and I'm not gonna go.

Joanna: So you're gonna quit?

Peter: Nu-uh. Not really. I'm just gonna stop going.

Joanna: When did you decide all that?

Peter: Bout an hour ago.

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Peter: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.

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Drew: Things go well I might be showing her my O-face. Ooh! Ooh! You know what I mean. Ooh!

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Joanna: So you're gonna make a lot of money, right?

Peter: Well, yeah.

Joanna: Money that's not yours.

Peter: Well, it becomes ours.

Joanna: Uh-huh...how is that not stealing?

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Peter: You know the Nazis has pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.

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Joanna: You're just a penny-stealing-wanna-be-a-criminal man.

Peter: Well, that may be. But at least I never slept with Lumbergh.

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Peter: I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up money-laundering in the dictionary.

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Judge from Dream: I hereby sentence you, Michael Bolton, and you, Samir Nainninaja to no less than 4 years in a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

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Peter: I may never be happy at my job, but I think if I could be with you, I could be happy with my life.

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Peter: It's not that I'm lazy. It's that I just don't care.

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