Even if I didn't see this for the great lines, it was worth it for Joe Pesci's and Marisa Tomei's ridiculous outfits...

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Bill: We need protein.

Stan: Beans are protein.

Bill: Beans make you fart.

Stan: You've got a convertible.

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Local: We're famous for our mud.

Lisa: Famous for your mud? How's your Chinese food?

Vinny: Just keep on asking about Chinese food. Can't you tell they don't have Chinese restaurants around here? You're gonna let everyone know you're a tourist.

Lisa: Well, what're you? A f*ckin' world traveller?

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Vinny: What's this over here?

Cook: You never heard of grits?

Vinny: Sure. Sure, I hearda grits. I just actually never seen a grit before...Go ahead, honey. You gonna try it?

Lisa: You first.

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Judge: Once again, the communication process is broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I'm not about to revamp the entire judicial process, just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn't do it.

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Vinny: I believe you and Lisa played a game of pool for $200, which she won. I'm here to collect.

J.T.: How about if I just kick your ass?

Vinny: Ooo, a counter offer. That's what we lawyers - I'm a lawyer - we lawyers call that a "counter offer." Let me see. This is a tough decision you're giving me here. Get my ass kicked or collect $200. What do you think? I could use a good ass-kicking, I'll be very honest with you. Nah, I think I'll just go with the $200.

J.T.: Over my dead body.

Vinny: You like to renegotiate as you go along, huh? Okay. Then here's my counter offer. Do I have to kill you? What if I was just to kick the everloving shit out of you?

J.T.: In your dreams.

Vinny: Oh, no no no. In reality, if I was to kick the shit out of you, would I get the money?

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Stan: You saw what happened in there. You want to stay with him after that?

Bill: Shit, Stan. I don't want to fire him. I mean, he's family. You know, and my mother the way her health is right now...

Stan: I can appreciate that. But should you die for that? Wouldn't your mother be more upset if you died?

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Bill: You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people they love to argue. They live to argue.

Stan: My parents argue, too. That doesn't make them good lawyers.

Bill: Stan, I've seen your parents argue. Trust me. They're amateurs.

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Lisa: What're you gonna hunt?

Vinny: I dunno. He's got a lot o heads in his office.

Lisa: Heads! What kinda heads?

Vinny: I dunno. A boar, a bear, a coupla deer.

Lisa: Whoa. You're gonna shoot a deer?

Vinny: I dunno. I suppose. I mean, I'm a man's man. I can go deer hunting.

Lisa: A sweet, innocent, harmless, leaf-eatin', doe-eyed little deer.

Vinny: Hey, Lisa, I'm not gonna go out there just to wimp out, you know? I mean, the guy'll lose respect for me. Would you rather have that? (Lisa leaves room.) What about these pants I have on? You think they're okay?

Lisa: Imagine you're a deer. You're prancing along, you get thirsty, you spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the cool, clear water...BAM! A f*ckin' bullet rips off part of your head. Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces. Now, I ask ya. Would you give a f*ck what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearing?

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Lisa: Well, I hate to bring it up because I know you got enough pressure on you already, but we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my niece, the daughter of my sister, is getting married. My biological clock is tickin' like this, and the way this case is going, I ain't never gettin' married.

Vinny: Lisa, I don't need this. I swear to God I don't need this right now, okay? I've got a judge who's just aching to throw me in jail, an idiot who wants to fight me for $200, slaughtered pigs, giant loud whistles. I ain't slept in five days. I have no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which in the balance holds the lives of two innocent kids, not to mention your biological clock. My career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else could we pile on? Is there any more shit we could pile on to the top of the outcome of this case? Is it possible?

Lisa: Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.

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Vinny: Do you remember what you had?

1st Witness: Eggs and grits.

Vinny: Eggs and grits. I like grits, too. How do you cook your grits? Do you like them regular, creamy, or aldente?

1st Witness: Just regular, I guess.

Vinny: Regular. Instant grits?

1st Witness: No self-respectin' Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits.

Vinny: So, Mr. Tipton, how could it take you five minutes to cook your grits when it takes the entire grit eating world twenty minutes?

1st Witness: I dunno. I'm a fast cook, I guess.

Vinny: I'm sorry, I was all the way over here, I couldn't hear you. Did you say you're a fast cook? That's it? Are we to believe that boiling water soaks into a grit faster in your kitchen than on any other place on the face of the earth?

1st Witness: I dunno.

Vinny: Well, perhaps the laws of physics cease to exist on your stove. Were these magic grits? I mean, did you buy them from the same guy who sold Jack his beanstalk beans?

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Vinny: I object to this witness being called at this time. We'd been given no prior notice he'd testify, no discovery of any tests he's conducted or reports he's prepared, and as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advanced notice of any witness who'll testify, particularly to those who will give scientific evidence so that we can properly prepare for cross-examination as well as to give the defense an opportunity to have the witness' reports reviewed by a defense expert who might then be in a position to contradict the verosity of his conclusions.

Judge: Mr. Gambini?

Vinny: Yes, sir?

Judge: That is a lucid, intelligent, well-thoughtout objection.

Vinny: Thank you, your honor.

Judge: Overruled.

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Mr. Trotter: Now, Miss Veto, being an expert on general automotive knowledge...can you tell me what would the correct ignition timing be on a 1955 Bel Air Chevrolet with a 327 cubic inch engine and a four barrel cabuerator?

Lisa: That's a bullshit question.

Mr. Trotter: Does that mean that you can't answer it?

Lisa: It's a bullshit question. It's impossible to answer.

Mr. Trotter: Impossible because you don't know the answer.

Lisa: Nobody could answer that question.

Mr. Trotter: Your honor, I move to disqualify Miss Veto as an expert witness.

Judge: Can you answer the question?

Lisa: No. It's a trick question.

Judge: Why is it a trick question?

Vinny: Watch this.

Lisa: Because Chevy didn't make a 327 in '55. The 327 didn't come out until '62, and it wasn't offered in the Bel Air with a four barrel carb 'til '64. However, in 1964 the correct ignition timing would be four degrees before top dead center.

Mr. Trotter: Well, uh...she's acceptable.

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Lisa: So what's your problem?

Vinny: My problem is I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.

Lisa: Well, I guess that plan's moot.

Vinny: Yeah.

Lisa: You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else's help, right? You win case after case, and then afterwards, you have to go up to someone and you have to say "thank you." Oh my God! What a f*ckin' nightmare!

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