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Ed: I didn't make you run.
Mitch: No, it was a 2000 pound rampaging animal spraying bull-snot all over Spain. That's what made me run. You made me stand in front of it.
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Mitch: Ed, have you noticed that the older you get the younger your girlfriends get? Soon, you'll be dating sperm.
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Ed: I have just one more thing to say: Target Parachute Jumping.
Mitch: Ed!
Ed: Now, it's a smaller parachute, but you're travelling twice as fast.
Mitch: Great! So when they find your body, they can bury it in a Sucretes box.
Ed: Phil said he'd go.
Mitch: Phil wants to die. I mean, if you were married to that, you'd wanna die, too.
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Mitch's Mother: Is Barbara with you?
Mitch: No, she's working the streets, and she likes to have breakfast with her pimp. She should be in around 7:30.
Barbara: Hi, mom.
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Mitch: Well, at least she said my birthday in years. Usually she uses months like I'm still an infant. "How's Mitch?" "Oh, good! He's 468 months today."
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Barbara: Last year when I asked you what you wanted, you said - a CAT Scan.
Mitch: I had a headache.
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Manager: It'll just take a second...
Commercial: Pizza Guy! Pizza Guy! Come on down to Pizza Guy's! Be a happy healthy fella! Have some sauce and motzerella! A'Pizza Guy!!!-
Mitch: So?
Manager: So...so it's stupid. It's annoying. It makes people change the station.
Mitch: I didn't write it.
Manager: But you bought it, and you put it on 3 times a night during drive time. People are having accidents.
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Mitch: You ever reach a point in your life where you say to yourself: This is best I'm ever gonna look, the best I'm ever gonna feel, the best I'm ever gonna do...and it ain't that great?
Manager: Happy Birthday.
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Mitch: The other day you said you want to send Holly to a performing arts school.
Barbara: Well, she's got talent.
Mitch: Talent? She was in one play, and she fell off the stage. That's not talent. That's gravity!
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David: We saw a picture of you in a newspaper in your underwear.
Kim: Oh...well, that was an advertisement. I sometimes model ladies' underwear.
Barbara: You looked great.
David: Mom, you said, let's see how she looks after having two kids.
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Ed: Two weeks...three of us...New Mexico...driving cattle!
Mitch: What, like in a truck?
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Arlene: You son of a bitch. You screwed this little girl in my father's store?
Phil: No! No! No!
Register Girl: It was in his car.
Phil: Oh, Jesus!
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Arlene: You're crazy!
Phil: That's right! Not having sex for 12 years will do that to a person!
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Arlene: I'm calling!
Phil: Good, call him. I'm sure he's home. It's his night to be with all the other escaped Nazis!
Arlene: I hate you!
Phil: I hate you more! If hate were people, I'd be China!
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Mitch: (on cattle drive) My ass hurts just watching this.
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Phil: Hi, I'm Phil Berquist. I committed adultery, lost my job, and my family.
Mitch: His jacket's being made.
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Ira: We make Ira and Barry's Icecream.
Mitch: Really? I love that icecream. But on the commercial, it's a different Ira and Barry. It's two...
Barry: Good-looking guys.
Ira: Models.
Barry: If it was us, could you eat?
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Mitch: (about Curly) Did you see that guy? That is the toughest man I've ever seen in my life.
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Bonnie: Look, it took a lot of courage to do what you did. Thank you.
Mitch: I'm married.
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Ed: What if you're like me? What if you don't encourage them, and they still come after you?
Mitch: It doesn't happen. See, women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
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Mitch: This guy is not normal. I'm telling you. Did you see his eyes? He's got crazy eyes. He's a lunatic. I'm telling you, we are going into the wildnerness being led by a lunatic. He's behind me, isn't he?
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Mitch: I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by that.
Curly: I crap bigger than you.
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Mitch: Hi, Curly. Kill anyone today?
Curly: Day ain't over yet.
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Mitch: Curly, did I ever show you pictures of my wife and kids? I'm their soul support, you know.
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Mitch: You ever been in love?
Curly: Once. I was driving a herd across the panhandle. Texas. Passed near this little dirt farm right about sundown. Out in the field was this young woman, working down in the dirt. Just about then she stood up to stretch her back. She was wearing a little cotton dress, and the settin' sun was right behind her, showing the shape that God had give her.
Mitch: What happened?
Curly: I just turned around and rode away.
Mitch: Why?
Curly: I figured it wasn't gonna get any better than that.
Mitch: But you could have been, you know...with her.
Curly: Been with lots of women.
Mitch: Yeah, but you know, she could have been the love of your life.
Curly: She is.
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Curly: Do you know what the secret of life is?
Mitch: No. What?
Curly: This.
Mitch: Your finger?
Curly: On thing. Just one thing. You stick to that and everything else don't mean shit.
Mitch: That's great. But what's the one thing?
Curly: That's what you've gotta figure out.
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Curly: Just reach in and pull out the calf.
Mitch: You know this was not in the brochuere.
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Mitch: Look what I did! I made a cow! He's unbelievable. He's amazing!
Curly: He looks like you.
Mitch: I'm gonna name him Norman.
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Bonnie: We had different needs. I needed him to treat me decently and get a job, and he needed to empty my bank account and leave.
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Phil: You're right. I mean, I guess it is childish I suppose. But when I was 18 and my dad & I couldn't communicate about anything at all...We could still talk about baseball.
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Mitch: (about Curly) He said he was a dying breed. I didn't know he meant on this trip.
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Phil: The man ate bacon at every meal. You can't do that.
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Cookie: Lord, we give you Curly. Try not to piss him off.
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Phil: Alright, I got one. My best day...
Ed: This isn't the one about Arlene and that loose step, is it?
Phil: No, no. My wedding day.
Mitch: What?
Phil: Yeah. Remember that day? Outdoor wedding. Arlene looked great. Those water pills really worked. You guys were all smiling at me. And my dad in the front gives me a little wink. You know? I mean, he's not the warmest of men. But he winked. You know, I was the first one of us to get married and have a real job. And I rememeber thinking, I'm grown up. You know, I'm not a goofball anymore. I made it. I felt like a man. That was the best day of my life.
Ed: What was your worst day?
Phil: Every day since is a tie.
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Barry: He's throwing our food!
Ira: Well, we'll-
Barry: We'll, what? Order out?!
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Ed: A cowboy doesn't leave his herd.
Phil: You are a sporting goods salesman!
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Mitch: Good. Things are good. Look what I found. (smiles)
Barbara: Hmmmm. That's nice. Where was it?
Mitch: Colorado. I mean, it's always the last place you look.
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