Dirty Poems, Jokes And Dirty Rhymes.

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PLEASE NOTE SOME OF THE FOLLOWING RHYMES, POEMS AND JOKES MAY BE OFFENSIVE SO PLEASE BE WARNED THANK YOU

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Dirty Poems

Oral Sex : An Ode To Love :

Penis breath, a lover's dread is what you get when you give head. Unpleasant as it tends to be be grateful that he doesn't pee. It's times like this, you wonder why you bothered reching for his fly. But it's too late, can't be a tease accept the facts, get on your knees. You know you've got a job to do so open wide and shove it through. Lick the tip then take it all don't drag you teeth or he might bawl. Slide up and down, use your tongue and feel the pre-cum start to run. So when the fuck's he gonna cum just, when you can't take anymore you hear your lovers mighty roar. And when he hits that real high note you feel it oozing down your throat. Salty, fishy, sticky yucky stuff Okay, already thats enough. Let's switch you say, before you gag and what's your revenge, your on the rag.

The Creation Of A Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher with smart wit, using a knife he gave it a slit. Second was a carpenter strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole. Third was a tailor tall and thin, by using red velvet he lined it within. Fourth was a hunter short and stout, with a piece of fox fur he lined it without. Fifth was a fisherman nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher whose name was Mc Gee, he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee. Last was a sailor dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it a cunt.

Life Of A Penis:

I've got one eye and my hair's a mess, my relatives are nuts and my neighbours an arsehole, my best friends a cunt and lastly my owners a wanker!

There once was a vampire called mable, her periods were very unstable, on every full moon with the aid of a spoon, she could drink herself under the table.

There was a mouse called Keith, he circumcised men with his teeth, it wasn't for the leisure or for the sexual pleasure, it was purely for the cheese he found underneath.

There was a woman from Maritious, who had a fuck that was delicious, she said, "The next time you cum will you cum up my bum, because the scab on you cock looks suspicious."

There was an old woman from Healing, who had a peculiar feeling, she laid on her back and opened her crack, and pissed all over the ceiling.

There was a man from Leeds, who swallowed a packet of seeds, within half an hour he turned into a flower, and now he's covered in weeds.

There was a man from Crocket, who went on a trip in a rocket, the rocket went bang his pants went bang, and his balls ended up in his pocket.

There was a woman from China, who had a trip on a liner, she slipped on the deck and twisted her neck, and now she can see right behind her.

There was a man from Hong Kong, who's arms were very long, he could sit on a stool in front of our school, and could still play a song in Hong Kong.

There was a young girl named Kim, Who had an enormous Quim, It wasn't the size that attracted the Flies, But the Jelly that hung around the Rim.

There was an old man from Closum Who got out his bollocks to wash them His wife said, “Jack” “If you don’t put them back” “I’ll tread on the fuckers and squash them.”

Old Mother Hubbard, Went to the cupboard, To fetch her poor dog a bone, But when she bent over, Up popped Rover, And gave her a bone of his own.

Twinkle twinkle little rectum, Big cocks cum when you least expect them, Just ignore my screams of passion, And shove it up me doggy fashion.

Twinkle twinkle little knob, She likes to put it in her gob, But when she feels that little twitch, She spits it out the wasteful bitch.

Sing a song of syphilis, A pussy full of crabs, 4 and 20 black heads twice as many scabs, When the scabs popped open and the heads began to sing, Now wasn't that a dirty cunt to put your penis in.

Sing a song of bum sex, A rectum full of cum, 4 and 20 fat cocks forced up your bum, When the orgy’s over and your bum begins to sting, Wasn’t it a bad idea to take it up the ring?

Spider spider on the wall, What a stupid place to crawl, Didn’t you see it had just been plastered? Now your stuck you silly bastard.

Little miss druggie, Sat in her buggy, Smoking an ounce of weed, Along came a spider and sat down beside her, And sold her a kilo of speed.

Humpty dumpty fucked a fat whore, Humpty dumpty spunked on the floor, All the king’s horses and all the king’s men, Bent the bitch over and fucked her again.

I am a farmer who lives in a bog, I’m widely known for the size of my knob, It’s too big for women so none I can keep, But it’s just the right size for shagging my sheep.

Little Jack Horner, Sat in a corner, Licking his girlfriend dry, He stuck in his tongue, And sucked out some cum, And said, “Fuck me that was better than pie.”

Zippy and Bungle went to the jungle, To have a bit of fun, But Zippy got silly, Pulled out his Willy, And shoved it up Bungle’s bum.

Sex is a temptation, Caused by a sensation, When a man puts his dictation, In a woman’s ventilation, Do you get my conversation? Or do you need a demonstration?

I’m Jake the Pake, Diddle diddle diddle dum, I’m a necrophiliac, Diddle diddle diddle dum, Burial’s a must, Diddle diddle dum, Because you can’t fuck dust.

When I was a little girl I had a little thing, when I went to bed at night I put my finger in, now I am much older and my thing has lost it's charm, now it takes five fingers and half a fucking arm!

Jack and Jill went up the hill, To have a little fun, But stupid Jill forgot the pill, And now they have a son.

Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick Jill's fanny, Jack went down but came up with a frown, when he realised Jill was a tranny.

A horny young lady called Lil, used a dynamite stick for a thrill, they found her vagina in north carolina and bits of her tits in Brazil.

Some fannies are tight and fit like a glove, some fannies are loose and no good for love, but the way for loving and keeping you fitter, is rolling her over and banging her shitter.

I'd grab you I'd bite you I'd really excite you, I'd kick you I'd suck you I'd totally fuck you, You'd be begging for mercy begging for more, because fucking with me is never a bore.

I've been a muff diver for many a year, I've spent all my money on muff diving gear, the goggles, the snorkle, the muff diving tank, if I'm not muff diving I'm having a wank.

If a man had sex 365 days in a row, the amount of condoms used could be melted down into a tyre, the name of that tyre would then be called, "A fucking GOODYEAR."

My mate has been caught again by the police but has been caught drink driving, urine sample was taken...positive, so he stole it, but now the police are charging him for...taking the piss.

If the sea was vodka and I was a duck, I'd swim to the bottom and drink myself up, but the sea is not vodka and I'm not a duck, so give me a ring and you may be in luck.

The sky is blue the grass is green, the harder you fuck the louder you scream, the more you scream the louder you fuck, so call me back you might be in luck.

At first a nibble a slow tempting lick, I suck and munch my liquid lunch and then I swallow quick...Cadbury's cream egg, how do you eat yours?

Mary had a little lamb she tied it to a pylon, 4,000 volts went up it's arse and its wool turned to nylon.

Mary had a little lamb she put it in a bucket, everytime the lamb jumped out the dog tried to fuck it, it was fun and full of follocks, it tried to jump barbed wire and left behind its bollocks.

Mary had a little lamb it was very silly, so she swung it by its left leg and caught it by its...Willy was a watch dog sitting on the grass, along came a bee and stung it up its...ask no questions, tell no lies there's a copper round the corner pulling up his...flies are bad bees are worse this is the end of the silly little verse.

Ching Chong Chinaman tried to milk a cow, Ching Chong Chinaman didn't know how, Ching Chong Chinaman pulled the wrong tit, Ching Chong Chinaman was covered in shit.

I just want to tell you that your a really good friend, and you mean so much to me that, if were were sinking on a boat with only one life jacket, I'd really miss you.

READ OUT LOUD: I yam wee tar did, I yam sofa king wee tar did, I yam sofa king FIK. Have you figured it out yet?

Son: "Dad what does a vagina look like before sex?" Dad: "A pink rose with lovely soft petals and a perfume aroma" Son: "And after sex?" Dad: "Son, have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?"

Women’s Prayer

As you lay me down to mate I hope you don’t prematurely ejaculate, But if you cum before I do I hope your tongue will see me through. Amen.

"A Prayer For An Internet Addict"

Our computer, which art in thy bedroom, Hallowed be thy mainframe, Thy modem on, thy chat will be done, Online, in freeserve heaven, Give us this day our daily email, And forgive us our downloads, As we forgive those who download it to us, And lead us not into temptation, But deliver us from sex pages, For thine is the hard-drive, The Power PC and the internet, forever and ever, Logged on.

Lad's Prayer

Our beer which art in barrels hallowed by thy alcohol, Thy will push the boat out we will be on a big bender down at the dog and duck, Forgive us this day our daily spillage as we forgive those who forget it's their round and lead us not into those cissy wine bars but deliver us from alco-pops, For ours is the bitter, the ale and the lager, pilsner and porter, BARMEN.

Jokes

Silly Story

This good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway,he had all the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are gonna have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!" The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awestruck... who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed... Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke...

Dog Fight

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They set down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. It's cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American Dachshund----but when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of his dog. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing," said Bush. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like that dog."

Escape Off The Island

There were three people stranded on an island; a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated it was about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she turned round and swam back.

Fish Heads

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?" "I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant." "You sell them here?" the customer asks. "Only $5 each," says Green. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter. "You didn't eat enough," says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $5 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $3. You're ripping me off!" "You see?" says Green. "You're smarter already."
The Mexican

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?" "Sand," answered Juan. The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike!" The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border. The next day, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?" "Sand," says Juan. The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle. This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico. "Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Flies In Beer

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

Viagra And Sunburn

A man fell asleep on the beach under the midday sun and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off of his legs."

Funeral

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."

Squeaky Clean

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin. She says, "Not tonight honey, I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh." The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep. In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"

In Trouble

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood. The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys. So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys. The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first. The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest. The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?" The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing. Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing. The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy's face and asks again, "Where is God?" The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out of the door. The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!" His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!" The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"

Volvo Driver

An old guy in his Volvo is driving home from work when his wife rings him on his carphone. "Honey", she says in a worried voice, "Be careful! There was a bit on the news just now, some lunatic is driving the wrong way down the freeway". "It's worse than that!", he replies, "There are hundreds of them!"

Three Wishes

Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch." "What catch?" he asked. The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for." "Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man. "What is your first wish?" asked the Genie. "Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari," he said. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. "Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?" "I'd love a million dollars," replied the man. POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now, every politician in the world has two million dollars," said the genie. "Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man. "What is your final wish?" asked the genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

Chinese Laundry

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. Turning the corner he spots a building with the sign, "Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry." "Jerzy Dudek?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese man behind the counter. The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Jerzy Dudek's Chinese Laundry?" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me, is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Jerzy Dudek?" "Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Jerzy Dudek.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, 'Sem Ting.'"

Fruit Picking

These three men went out on this fishing trip, but as they we sailing along in their little boat, a storm picked up and swept them onto a rather small island. Now the men weren't scared at first, but when they saw these cannibals chasing after them, they began to run for their lives. The cannibals were much faster than they were, and so they captured the three men, and brought them to their King. The King said, "I want each of you to pick 10 fruits. Each man must collect a different fruit as to that of the other two. Once you have done this, return to me, and I will tell you what to do." So the men, fearing their lives, run out and began to search madly for any fruit. The first man returns after a while with 10 apples. The King grinned wickedly and said, "Now you must take those 10 apples and shove them up your ass without making any facial expression. If you fail to do so, I will kill you!" The poor man gets up to number 8 and then screams, as the pain was so intense. The King killed him right then and there, and returned to see the second man coming back with 10 strawberries. The second man got his instructions, too, and was up to the 10th strawberry, when all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, he begins laughing hysterically. So the King killed him, too, just as he did with the first man. Now the first man and the second man meet up in Heaven, and the first man asks the second man, "Why did you laugh? You were on your last strawberry, and you could have gotten away!" The second man said with a little smile, "Yeah, I know, but I couldn't resist laughing when I saw the third man coming back with pineapples!"

Beckham In The World Cup 2004

Fast forward to 2004, it is just before England v France at the Millenium Stadium, an important European Championship qualifier game. David Beckham goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only France. They're rubbish and we can't be bothered" Beckham looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." So David Beckham goes out to play France by himself and the rest of the England team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - France 0 (D. Beckham 10 minutes) He is beating France all by himself! Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the teletext on. "Result from the Millenium Stadium : England 1 (D. Beckham 10 minutes) - France 1 (Z. Zidane 89 minutes). They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against France!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his kit, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down" "Don't be daft, you got a draw against France, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!" "No, No, I have, I've let you down*. I got sent off after 12 minutes"

I See Dead People

A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?" About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?" One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost." The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said `goats.'

Satan's Offer

After five years of toil at a Wall Street law firm, an associate was burning the midnight oil at his office. Suddenly, there was a flash of light, and a tower of smoke burst from the floor. Satan stepped out of the smoke, and addressed the lawyer. "I understand you'd give absolutely anything to make partner," said the devil, "So I've come here to make you an offer. I'll make you a partner, but in return I will take the souls of your wife, your parents, your children, your grandchildren, and all of your friends." The lawyer looked strangely puzzled, and thought hard for several minutes. Finally, he turned to Satan and asked, "What's the catch?"

Blond And Blue

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened. So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day. The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack." At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?" "No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."

Skipping Blonde

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor. She had lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, thats amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded. "Ill tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor." "No, from all that skipping!"

Cliff Richard Is So Good

Cliff Richard went in to a chinese restaurant and the manger came upto him and said, "Cliff Richard, Cliff Richard I like you I like you!, But my wife Loves YOU!" Cliff said, "Why thank you, that's nice" The manager said, "Please please will you meet my wife" Cliff agrees and says, "Hi, how are you?" The managers wife says, "Oh Cliff I love you I love you, Would you please sing a song for me?" Cliff says, "Sure, which would you like me to sing?" The managers wife says, "Tits and Fanny" Cliff looks at her astonished and says, "Errm which is that one I dont know that one, you'll have to sing a bit of that one for me" So the managers wife starts to sing, "Tits and fanny, that we don't talk anymore"

Bodily Dysfunctions

Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-five year old woman says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee." An eighty year old woman says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The ninety year old woman says, "At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" asked the others. "I don't wake up until nine."

Going To Vegas

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are you doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard ladies-of-the-night there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Vegas, too. I want to see you live on $800 a year."

Unzipping

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. Dressed up for work, she was wearing a very tight mini skirt. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her disgust she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!" At this the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Blonde Intelligence

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a came home with a new blonde joke. One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb. She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals. That night when he got home he told his joke. She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me." He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?" She quickly replied, "M"

Nice Idea

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls Royce," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone I learned that you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Bikers

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. This man came in, he was already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, grandpa, you're drunk. Go home!"

Explain That

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk.A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk? The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked. The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over." "That's not so bad,what's the big deal?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So what happened?" the man asked again. The farmer relenting, continued, "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over." "Again?" The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked, intrigued. "I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail." "Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed." The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain." "So then what else did you do?" the man asked again. "Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain."

College Graduate

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

Dads

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Rescue

A troop of Boy Scouts was being used as "guinea pigs" in a test of emergency systems. A mock earthquake was staged, and the Scouts impersonated wounded persons who were to be picked up and cared for by the emergency units. One Scout was supposed to lie on the ground and await his rescuers, but the first-aid people got behind schedule, and the Scout lay "wounded" for several hours.

Drunkard

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But Harry just continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened and said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" At that, He replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!" When the first-aid squad arrived where the casualty was supposed to be, they found nothing but a brief note: "Have bled to death and gone home."

Animal Faith

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him: reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," the voice said. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw.........brought both paws together....bowed its head and said: "For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful."

Train Trip

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought, 'that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.' The fat lady thought, 'that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.' Bill Clinton thought, 'George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.' George Bush thought, 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.'

Road Signs

A priest and a pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, Quote: The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late! "Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big crash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says, 'BRIDGE OUT' instead?"

Punk Rocker

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Problems

The husband says to his wife, "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?" She says, "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears." He smirks and replies, "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" She calmly replies, "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'"

Floods

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

New Boyfriend

While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I told him the television was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time. The only problem was the television set was old and would just shut off for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, which was no big deal... A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. I was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered the door. The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son? My little one looked up at him and replied, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

Communications

A couple is doing yard work and the wife goes to take a shower. Her husband is looking for a rake and can't find it. He yells up to his wife, but she motions to him from the window like she can't hear. So he points to his eye, hits his knee, and then makes raking motions. ("I need the rake.") She replies by pointing to her eye, grabbing her left breast, slaps her butt, then rubs her crotch. The man is confused and runs upstairs. "What? What was that?" "Eye, left tit, behind, the bush."

The Bar

At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even more intoxicated. "What time does the bar open?" he asks. "Same time as before - noon," replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?" The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you." "No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!"

Drink Up

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

The Donkey

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well.. Kiss your ass good-bye.

Getting Down Under

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

Driving Rednecks

One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

Raisin Bread

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. " I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he's having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated, and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells, "Is yours raisin, too?" No, " croaks the old man.... " but it's startin' to twitch."

Stop Sign

One day a police officer stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about to give him a ticket when the motorist said: "Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!" "Why not?" Asked the officer. "Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and it's almost the same." "But you did not stop," replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP!" "But the way was clear and it was safe," replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his baton and starts hitting the motorist. "What are you doing?!" yells the motorist in surprise. "Do you want me to slow down or stop," says the officer.

Chemistry Lesson

A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the teacher putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a door nail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the teacher asked. Johnny, who naturally sits at the back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Third Grader

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9". Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36". And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment, "Legs." Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied, "Pockets." Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Harry: Coconut The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? Harry: Bubblegum Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs? The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: Shake hands Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Harry: Yep. Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Harry: Tent Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Harry: Wedding Ring Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Harry: Nose Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. Harry: Arrow Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement? Harry: Firetruck The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde". "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For ****sake, >you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!"

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly so the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean(also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy". The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two @rseholes." "What, he had two @rseholes???" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two @rseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two @rseholes...."

Sheer Lingerie

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not." So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So, how do you like it?" she says. "Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!"

Parking Tickets

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...

Busy Parents

One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered. "May I speak to your parents?" "They're busy." "Oh. Is anybody else there?" "The police." "Can I speak to them?" "They're busy." "Oh. Is anybody else there?" "The firemen." "Can I speak to them?" "They're busy." "So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?" "Lookin for me."


An old man goes to the local brothel and says to the madam, "I'd like one of your best girls, please." The madam looks him over and says, "You must be at least 70 or 80 years old, mister." "Close, I'm 87," he replied proudly. "Well, grandpa," she said, looking at his frail body, "I think you've had it!" The old geezer looked confused for a minute and then said, "I have? ...How much do I owe ya?

So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands. "Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?" she says. Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence."

A guy who has nothing to do all day except play with himself, gets very down and hard on his luck, so he finally decides to consult a palmist regarding his future. He meets the palmist and asks him about job possibilities, marriage prospects etc. The palmist takes one good look at his hands and orders him to strip from the waist down. He then tells him that everything will fall into place within six months...that he'll find a great high paying job and also get a gorgeous wife. After six months, he goes back to the palmist all happy and glowing because all the predictions have come true. but one essential question remains. He asks respectfully, "If you don't mind, will you please tell me why did you tell me to strip on that day?" The palmist replies, "Well! That's easy enough; you've used your hand so much that all the lines got imprinted down there!!!"

Ole Charlie was retiring after 30 wonderful years in the postal service. On his last run on his route, he thought it would be nice to go door to door and say one last good-bye. Charlie knocks on one particular door and a beautiful blonde lady greets him. She says that she has heard that today was his last day before he retires and asks if he would like to come in and have some breakfast. "Oh no! I couldn't do that! Why, it's strictly against policy!" he exclaimed. "So what? What are they going to do? Fire you?" she said. Charlie laughed (realizing today was his last day anyway), and came in, whereupon he was led into the dining room where laid out on the table was the most elaborate breakfast he has ever seen! "Sit down and help yourself to anything you want!" she smiled. While Charlie sat down to the feast of his life, she ran upstairs and returned dressed only in a sexy black negligee just as Charlie was pushing himself away from the table. "You want to go upstairs for some... Uh... Fun?" she purred. "Oh no! I couldn't do that!" Charlie exclaimed, "I mean, you gave me a fantastic breakfast and all and I really must go!" "What are they going to do? Fire you?" she pouted. Charlie thought about this, and being his last day and all, he thought "What the hell," and escorted the blonde upstairs. After much furious lovemaking lasting several hours, Charlie and the blonde staggered sweating and exhausted down the stairs. Charlie hurried and buttoned his shirt and pants. He thanked the blond and was just ready to leave when, the blonde said, "Oh, I almost forgot!" running over to her purse and handed Charlie a dollar bill. "Oh no! I can't take any money from you!" exclaimed Charlie, "I mean, the breakfast, uh... You know... Upstairs and all, I just can't take money from you too!" "Go ahead take it.." she said, "It was my husbands idea anyway." "Your husbands???!!!???" stammered Charlie. "Sure, just this morning, I asked my husband what we should get the postman for his last day and he said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar!' Breakfast was my idea!"

A man and his wife return home from a pleasant evening out and while she is getting ready for bed, he slips down to the kitchen. He returns a few moments later with a glass of water, which he hands to her. "What's this for?" she asks, rather puzzled. "It's aspirin for your headache." "But I haven't got a headache..." "Aha!! Gotcha!!!"

The local zoo had a female gorilla, but no male gorilla. This female was really getting horny and because the zoo had no one to take care of her, they decided to advertise in the paper for someone to "service" her. They started at $200 but got no response. Finally, at $1,000, a guy answered the ad. The guy looked at the gorilla and told the zoo keeper that he would do it, if they would put a bag over the gorilla's head. The zoo keeper agreed. So they put a bag over her head and this guy got into the cage. Well, the gorilla was extremely horny. She grabbed this guy and started screwing him every way you could imagine. They were bouncing off the walls, up and down the cage, making love wildly. All of the sudden, the guy starts yelling at the top of his lungs, "Get it off! Get it off!" So the attendants jumped in the cage and pulled the gorilla off. The guy yells, "What the hell are you doing?" "You said to get it off," replied the baffled attendant. The guy says, "Hell, I meant the BAG, I wanna kiss the bitch!"

A very poor couple had just been married and all they could afford was to share a house with an elderly couple. What's worse is that they have to sleep on the top half of a bunk bed, while the older couple slept on the lower half. Needless to say, the young couple wanted sex often. Instead of asking the question explicitly, for fear that they would be overheard, they agreed to use the code "eating orange" for sex. So every night, the husband would ask his wife, "Honey, do you feel like eating orange?" This went on for several weeks, until one night when the husband asked, "Honey, do you feel like eating orange?" to which the old man from below interrupted, "You know, I don't mind ya eating oranges so much, but could you please not drip the orange juices down here!"

A population control program was introduced to the island, but the medicine men were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills. They decided to concentrate on teaching men to wear contraceptions. One of the tribesmen who came in had eight children in eight years, and the medicine man told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath. He explained that as long as the man wore the contraception, his woman could not have another baby. A month later, the man's wife came in and was pregnant again. The medicine man got very angry. He called the man in and asked him why he didn't wear the contraceptions. The man replied, "I DID wear one. But after six days, I had to urinate so badly that I cut the end off."

A rather unappealing man somehow got deserted on a remote deserted island with the lovely Cindy Crawford (or Elle McPherson, or Stephanie Seymour, or....). She was initially repulsed by him but warmed up when her 'needs' as a woman became too much to handle. The two started having sex like crazy, 5 or 6 times a day. A few months pass and the man makes a strange request by asking her if she would allow him to paint a mustache on her face. She doesn't see the harm in it and he draws a big bushy mustache on her face. A few more weeks pass and he comes up with a second bizarre request, "Cindy, would you mind very much if I started calling you Dave?" She's slightly bewildered but agrees. As she walks away, he taps her on the shoulder and says, "Hey Dave, you're never gonna' believe who I'm bangin'!!!"

A guy has been shipwrecked on a small deserted island with a pig and a dog. After awhile, he starts getting kind of horny so he decides he has to screw one of the two animals. After a short debate with himself, he decides the pig is his choice for a love doll. He sets off chasing the pig and finally traps it. He pulls down his pants and is just about to nail the pig up the pooper, when the dog suddenly bites him in the ass! The guy kicks the dog away but the pig also gets away. The guy traps the pig again after a long chase. He pulls his pants down again, and is just about to slip it the snake when the dog bites him in the ass again! Again, he has to let the pig go while he kicks the dog away. The guy decides he has to come up with a plan to keep the dog away. He sits down against a tree and begins to think, but he's so tired from chasing the pig, that he falls asleep. The guy awakens an hour later to a beautiful fairy girl standing absolutely naked in front of him. She says, "I've been put here for one hour to do anything for you, but only for an hour and then I must go grant someone else a wish." The guy thinks a minute, then asks her, "Could you take that fucking dog for a walk!?"

Mrs. Jones goes to see her obstetrician, Dr. Smith. She says, "Dr. Smith, I'm pregnant again. I need a hearing aid." Dr. Smith says, "Mrs. Jones, I thought we decided last time that your twelve children were more than you could handle, and that you should not get pregnant again. I'm going to give you a powerful contraceptive." Mrs. Jones replies, "But, doctor, I don't need a contraceptive. I need a hearing aid." Dr. Smith: "How come, Mrs. Jones?" Mrs. Jones: "Well, you see, doctor, I'm kinda hard of hearing. At night, when the mister and I turn off the lights and go to bed, he asks me, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' And, I always say, 'What?'"

This kid walks into the pharmacy and tells the person at the counter, "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it." "What do you want?" "Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..." "What do you want?" "I need some protection, alright??!?!" "What size?" "Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess." "That'll be $2.35 including tax." "Tacks? Tacks?!?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!"

There was a 65 year old virgin who's pussy was itching, so she went to the doctor. He said to her. "You have crabs." She said, "That's not possible I'm a virgin." So he sent her to another doctor he said the same thing too. But she still said "I can't have crabs as I'm a virgin". So this time he sent her to a specialist. He took some tests, examined her and walked in an hour later with a puzzled look on his face and said, "Well you don't have crabs, but" and he paused. She looked at him weary and asked, "What's the problem, then?" the doctor replied, "You have fruit flies, your cherry's rotting."

Cucumber, Pickle and Penis

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked. The cucumber "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad." The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar." The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

Lovely Poem

I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still When suddenly a tiny bird Perched on my window sill, He sang a song so lovely So carefree and so gay, That slowly all my troubles Began to slip away. He sang of far off places Of laughter and of fun, It seemed his very trilling, brought up the morning sun. I stirred beneath the covers Crept slowly out of bed, then gently shut the window sill and crushed his f...... head. I'm not a morning person.

Chicken

A little boy and girl at school were having lunch in the shelter shed. "Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches." "Why?" he asked. "'Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy. "I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me." Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place. "You're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken also. Perhaps I'm getting feathers too." "Well, I'd better have a look," she said. After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets too."

Locks

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me." "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" John proceeds to say, "Well, first, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

Teddy Bears

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The guy says, "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

The Key To Heaven

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now?" said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

Things You May Like To Know

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... damn lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

Toilet Paper

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

Zoo

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?" The lions say: "Absolutely brlliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees."

Chinese man rings his boss, he says "Me no work I sick", Boss says, "When I feel sick I fuck my wife, try that!". Two hours later chinese man rings back, "Me better, you got nice house!".

Bloke wants his wife dead so he asks a killer how he would do it. Killer says, "I will shoot her below her left nipple". The bloke says, "I want her dead not fucking kneecapped!".

Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)



Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place.. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.



So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

**** Men Keep scrolling



By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

THE END

If you do have any questions then please e-mail me on the address below.

Email: squelch2k26@icqmail.com

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