10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you
asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these
problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my
dog just died."
9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell
their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them
where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or
questions about their company for as long as necessary.
8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have
you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause
as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any
friends... would you be my friend?"
6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money.
5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home arrest" and ask if they could
bring you a case of beer and some chips.
4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give
your credit card number to a complete stranger.
3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if
they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back.
When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME
number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"
The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how
I feel!"
2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
And first and foremost:
1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
1. Put boxes
of condoms randomly in peoples' carts when they
aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in
housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. Make a
trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest
rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and say in an official
tone, Code 3 in housewares,'...and see what
happens.
5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag
of
M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'Caution-Wet Floor sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in
the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from the
bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can
help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone.'
9. Look right into the
security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your
nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department ask
the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants
are?
11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the theme from'Mission Impossible.'
12. In the
auto department practice your Madonna
look using
different size funnels.
13. Hide in the clothing rack
and when people browse through say 'PICK ME! PICK
ME!!!!!!!'
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker
assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those
voices again.'
And finally last of all....
15. Go
into a fitting room and yell real loudly
....'Hey!
We're out of toilet paper in here!'.
"Motherly Wisdom"
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to
kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the
carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm
going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me more LOGIC: "If you fall out of that swing and break
your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to
cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and
eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you 'look" at the dirt on
the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'till all that
spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept
through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because
I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told
you a million times -- Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world,
and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your
father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY! "There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You are going to get it when we
get home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE: "If you don't stop crossing your
eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD: "If you don't pass your spelling
test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP: "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know
when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR: "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS: "You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS: "Do you think you were born in a
barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE: "When you get to be my age, you
will understand."
And my all time favorite... My Mother taught me about JUSTICE: "One day
you'll have kids... and I hope they turn out just like you."
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