Garett says....

“I don’t want to bottom any more!...It’s the big brawny ones who always bottom!”
-Garett Maggart at UK "GM Over Here", October 2006
(from Fluterbev's account)

NEW THIS WEEK:

"Why did no one tell me how bad they were?"
re. sideburns of doom

********************

GARETT: Collect addresses? I thought you said collect dresses!
JEN: Dresses from every country!
GARETT: I collect dresses from every country.
JEN: Why didn't you wear one?
GARETT: I wear them in the privacy of my own home--I'm shy.

MICHELE: It's a little like being called into the doctor.
GARETT: Are you ready to turn and cough?

GARETT: (being photographed) And one more! And one more! And one more!
PHOTOGRAPHER: We have to do it again. Garett was talking!
MICHELE: You did that on purpose!
GARETT: Maybe.

"I'm allergic, I break out in handcuffs"

"I'm not quite as nubile as I once was..."

"They rolled, she rammed her tongue in my mouth and I yelled cut!"-on the episode Cypher

GARETT: They had us shack up together!
BARBARA: If it's right, just accept it, dear.

"I myself don't like to wear too much of anything...jewelry-wise..."

"Unbeknownst to me, I dressed Blair."

"I never had to do the glistening body shots."

"I love him! I can't cut him loose!" (mocking Jim during Cypher screening)

CHRISTINE: How long did they leave you in the chains?
GARETT: Oh, I wasn't locked in; they were draped.

"I love him!" (again, mocking the bit where Jim says 'Sandburg's life is at stake!' Everyone laughed and Rae gave him the hairy eyeball) "It's what they want to hear!" (more laughter) "Can't two guys just be buddies and still save each other?" (To which the entire back row muttered "No!")

"He has to make it romantic for me." (on the candles in the psycho's apt. in Cypher)

"Yeah?" (makes obscene hand gesture, then shrugs) Good, cos I was a little nervous...but you were really gentle with me..." (commenting on the end banter in Cypher)

"I want you to meet me, not my nipple ring."

"Give me a montage of people tripping and I'll fucking laugh for twenty minutes over the same thing!" (on America's Funniest Home Videos)

GARETT: Okay, we've covered booze, drugs, cigarettes...have we done prostitution?
MICHELE: Well, I did say you were working the room like a pro.
GARETT: Right, working the room like a pro and whoring myself out...and here I thought this was the demure table!

"I'll have 7, Mabel" (on the Maggart phone number back in the day in Tennessee)

"It's only grape juice."

"I'm double fisting." (coffee and water)

CHRISTINE: Is there someone you'd like to work with?
GARETT: You!

"I'm not a tree. I don't wanna be a tree." (on acting classes)

"I wouldn't mind doing some Fred Astaire shit." (on what he'd like to do next)

"I don't like Shakespeare! Whaddyacallit? Iambic Pentameter--I get it; it's cute. Unfortunately, all my lovers have got me copies of Shakespeare <sigh>"

"I look like a chick!" (on his TS stand-in being a woman)

"It looked like I had been on a bender for six months and had just rolled out of bed! My mother was covering her mouth, and my brother, the most sarcastic man in the world, was actually trying to comfort me--'no, really, you don't look like that!'"--on the post production CG work on CSI Miami

"You can hit three ugly ones as long as you hit one good one."
(the rules of golf)

"Richard is there, and he hits a ball--and he's a strong guy--and then he goes off and looks at a bird for an hour and that's okay. And then he comes back 'I saw a double crested blue blah something or other' and then he hits another ball."--on golfing with Richard Burgi

"Money; precious cargo." (pointing at face as Christine explains dangerous Scottish sports to him)

"<Watching golf> pisses off every girlfriend I've ever had."

"It's kind of like apples or oranges." (on boxers vs briefs)

"I've had many offerings. He loves the possum."--on his dog Buddy

"I think he thinks they're toys, and they're broken." --when Buddy brings home dead possums

"The joke is I can pass the sports section to my neighbour through the window."

"The bigger the hammer the better."

"I'd come home and something else would be destroyed and Lola <his other dog> would be all "I don't know; I don't get her!""

"She lost her nut!" (on Molly, the feral German Shepherd)

"I can get around the kitchen."

"I am a catch."

TEACHER: Where does your father live?
GM, age 5: In the TV set.
(this precipitated a visit from his mother, who advised the teacher that Garett was correct, he did live in the TV--Brandon Maggart was on Sesame Street for many years)

"If that guy can fucking speak, he's that cop!" (on his first sight of Richard Burgi)

GM: Yamamammi
RB: Yamamoto.
GM: Yamamammi.
RB: Yamamoto. You're supposed to be the anthropologist. You're supposed to know how to pronounce this. I am not going to let this go.
(reading the first meeting scene from TS)

"They were god-awful!" (on his sideburns in season three)

"I thought Blair could have been shorthaired. Blair wasn't Sampson. Would that have made Richard Delilah?"

"He's gonna perk up and show off the peacock feathers!" (on Blair in the strip club)

"Blair got his fair share."

"he's about to smell something.....and I'm about to ask him about it"
-describing a Sentinel pic of Blair and Jim

"It's over - go now - no seriously - I'm not kidding - it's over - seriously go"
-being a smart ass at the end of the auction

"address, date of birth, credit card number....mother's name...."
-making fun of Rae taking down names at the auction

BETSY: "...although the money raised goes in some way to support the animals, it doesn't necessarily go to provide food for the particular animal bid on; it might be going for medical supplies, the upcoming move, or whatever..."
GARETT:"And my lunch!"
BETSY:"Yes, Garett's lunch, his new car..."

"See what I do? I give blood!"
(when Ringo the racoon scratched his upper chest)

"It was her!"
-pointing at innocent fan *L* when asked how he got those scratches on his chest

BETSY: "Garett. Garett? Garett! Can we have the kestrel, please?"
GARETT: "Hey, I was learning something!"
BETSY: "So tell us what you were learning."
GARETT: "I learned it's a kestrel, and it's a bird."

BETSY: (when Nova the wolf ignored Garett in favor of Debbie the trainer) "Debbie's her mommy."
GARETT: "The thrill is gone!"

"Keyrings with Jim and some other guy on them. Oh, it's so cute!"
-during the auction

"NO. You don't get to win any more."
-triple winner at the auction

"Oh, Jesus! Who's the lucky person who gets me and the mountain lion?"
the quilted bag from Janet, with a picture of Cascade with her head on Garett's shoulder gets auctioned off

"Sorry, I'm a little lys-dexic."
-after he transposed numbers and two people claimed the same item

"There's really only like, thirty more."
-long auction

"Sweet Surprise. Is that an Adult Shop?"
-auctioning off certificates for a candy store

"Oh, god! Demon Under Glass?Isn't this enough?"
-embarassed by an auction item (from a movie he did)

"They don't want it either."
-when no one claimed the DUG soundtrack right away

"Why didn't I shave? God, I'm such a lazy bum!"
-on photos from Moonridge last year

KAT: "You smiled again!"
GARETT "I can't help it. I'm holding a fucking doll of myself!"
(Garett was posing with a Dr. McKay beanie doll)

"That's his plan."Draw blood and then lick it up."
-being bitten by a pygmy hedgehog

"It was the hedgehog!"
-on the pee on his shirt...

"You know what they say about big feet..."
-talking about a lynx, honest!

"I don't fill out a t-shirt like Richard."

"...maybe fox valium, or a tap on the head..."
-on a hyperactive fox named Pippin

TRAINER: Meat
GARETT: My foot! My toe!
(when someone asked what the fox was eating)

BETSY: (tallying bidders by their paddle numbers) 15...27....31....19....42
GARETT: BINGO!

"It's three guys who get along together well, not a testosterone-filled environment - we talk, and we work out our problems, we 'share' with each other. I think people look at it and actually see two guys on network television saying, 'Hey, you're my friend and I love you,' instead of, 'Hey, let's go out and have beer' or whatever. I just think it's natural."
-on The Sentinel

"We kiss all the time...just not on camera..."
-on Richard Burgi

"Jim and Blair have bonded intensely and have become more than just friends. They're more like a guide and his follower and they sometimes interchange these roles."
TV Zone - Issue #114 May 99, By Steve Eramo

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