DESIGNING
WOMEN
"Whaddya *you* do, Doug?"
-Mary Jo
"She was clutching one of those pocket books like
Queen Elizableth carries and she had this nasty permanent like the governor
pardoned her thirty seconds *after* they threw the switch."
- Suzanne Sugarbaker
Suzanne Sugarbaker: "One of these days I'm gonna go out and buy me one of those big ol' blank books, and write down everytime I was right about something and nobody listened. I bet I'd fill that sucker up in a week!"
"That is the gayest human being I've ever seen
in my life!"
-Allison
MARY JO: What the heck is that stuff?
SUZANNE: It's rice cakes. I started my
diet last night.
MARY JO: You put jelly on
them?
SUZANNE: Yes. Do you have
a problem with that?
MARY JO: You've been on a
diet for 12 hours and already you're this cranky?
SUZANNE: Yes. As a matter
of fact, after work I'll probably be crashing my car into a Taco Bell.
What's it to you?
MARY JO: Nothing. I just hate
it when you're on a diet.
SUZANNE: Yeah, that's because
you're little and tiny and cute. You never have to eat stuff like rice
cakes. I oughta just cram this down your throat.
Mary Jo goes berzerk as
Bette Davis about women's rights in front of the news cameras . . .
MARY JO: All we want is to
be treated with equality and respect. Is that asking too much? I'm sorry,
I don't mean to be strident and overbearing, but you know nice just doesn't
cut it anymore. I'm mad because we're 51 percent of the population and
only two percent of the United States Senate. I'm mad because 406 men in
the House of Representatives have a pool, a sauna and a gym, and we have
six hairdryers and a ping pong table. I'm mad because in a Seminole, Oklahoma
police station, there's a poster of a naked woman that says "Women make
bad cops." I'm mad because in spite of the fact that we scrub the nations'
floors, wash the dishes, have all the babies and commit very little of
the crime, still we only make 58 cents on the dollar. And I don't know
about the rest of you women out there, but I don't give a damn if people
think I'm a feminist or a fruitcake! What I'm going to do is get in my
car and drive to the centermost part of the United States of America and
climb the tallest tower and yell, "Hey, don't get me wrong, we love ya,
but who the hell do you men think you are?!!"
Julia gets a hold of Donald
Trump's private number and gives "The Donald" a call
JULIA: Hello? Mr. Trump? I
hope I'm not disturbing you. I'm just calling you to say -- on behalf of
the American public -- Mr. Trump, we no longer care who you date, we really
don't. You are no longer obligated to alert the news media everytime your
pants are on fire because we don't care. So please feel free to fire all
your hacks, flacks and publicists employed for this purpose because --
and I repeat -- we...don't...care! Who am I? Well, you've never met me,
but you can just call me....The Julia.
ALLISON:There are many, many
sufferers of [Obnoxious Personality Disorder]. It's such a sad story. Literally
thousands of people have lost their friends, their jobs, even their husbands
and wives--- simply because they're obnoxious. And there is also a very
high rate of alcoholism.
MARY JO: Among obnoxious people..............
ALLISON:No, among their friends
and relations.
ALLISON: (to Mary Jo) Incidentally,
I assume you meant for your lips to be that color this morning.
MARY JO: Yes.....I did.
ALLISON: Ok. I'm just a person
who believes if someone has a bird on their head you should tell them.
CHARLENE: Mary Jo, guess what
I found in the mall last night. Carlene and I went shopping, and I had
this picture of my whole family put on this button....see? Here's my mamma
and my daddy, all my brothers and all my sisters. You know what I'm gonna
do? I'm gonna wear it when I meet the Queen....see that way she gets to
see my whole family.
MARY JO: Uh-huh. That will
certainly set you apart from the crowd.
ALLISON: Let me get this straight.
You're gonna wear that when you meet the Queen?
CHARLENE: Yeah, why?
ALLISON: Well, as I was just
saying to Mary Jo, I believe that if someone has a bird on their head you
have to tell them, and I am here to tell you that you do not impress the
Queen of England by showing up with a big ole soup plate on your breast
with 49 hicks emblazoned on it!
Suzanne takes up smoking
to lose weight
SUZANNE: Well, I am sick and
tired of all you self-righteous non-smokers always lecturing everybody
else. I mean, if we're trying to outlaw unattractive habits, why don't
we outlaw nose-pickin' in your car at 60 miles an hour?
Mary Jo asks the ladies
if they'd like to take up jogging with her . . .
SUZANNE: Mary Jo, I had my
period 5 years straight in high school to avoid P.E., okay? Why do you
think I have a mercedes for?
JULIA: Good morning, Suzanne.
Did you speak to Tika Ford?
SUZANNE: Yes I did -- had
breakfast with her at the club, and she marked the tear sheet she wanted.
Oh, and Julia, she wants to know how you liked the birthday present she
sent you.
JULIA: Oh, please. Nancy Reagan's
book.
SUZANNE: Well she said it
was a gag gift.
JULIA: Well it certainly made
me gag.
The Designing Women dicker with a car salesmen:
JULIA: Ok, we're about to
run out of time, so I'm going to be blunt. Suzanne, it does not further
negotiations to have you popping your cleavage on that man's desk.
SUZANNE: I think it furthers
things just fine. I had him confused.
JULIA: You certainly did.
Everytime he looked at your chest, we had to listen to that story again
about the summer he worked on the dairy farm.
SUZANNE: Well excuse me for
taking charge of the situation. You all weren't doing very well, and I
am the expert in this area. When it comes to taking something from a man,
I know what I'm doing. I wish you two would stop undermining my plans.
JULIA: Suzanne, we have already
seen Plan A and Plan B -- you can just put them away now.
On the ethics of wearing fur:
Suzanne walks down the
runway in the fur pull-over jacket.
PROTESTER: Fifty living creatures
died for that coat!
SUZANNE: Wanna make it fifty-one?
The ladies head to Japan
by plane to visit their mother and pick up Suzanne's new car.
SUZANNE: I can’t believe first
class is full up. We’re back here traveling in coach, we might as well
be on a subway.
SUZANNE: And I'll tell you
something else. I am not eating octopus, walking around in my stocking
feet or takin a bath with my neighbors no matter what those little people
say.
JULIA: It's always stimulating
to travel with the international voice of racism.
BERNICE: Look what I found
in the ladies room.......
CHARLENE: Oh Bernice, put
her back!
Discussing Charlene's little
brother:
SUZANNE: Let me get this straight.
He's never had a girlfriend, he knits sweaters and he works at the beauty
shop?
CHARLENE: Well, he goes to
Three Rivers Junior College, too. What are you gettin' at?
SUZANNE: Well, I don't mean
to get personal Charlene, but has it ever occurred to you that maybe Odell
is involved in some homosexual activity?
CHARLENE: Suzanne! I mean,
just because a person is sensitive and artistic doesn't mean he's gay.
Not that that would matter to me anyway.
JULIA: Well I think he sounds
like an interesting and talented young man.
SUZANNE: I think he sounds
like a woman.
MARY JO: Bear in mind that
this comes from the lips of a woman who thought there was a patron saint
for homosexuals named, "Saint Francis of a Sissy."
Suzanne says she doesn't
want to date a blind man.
CHARLENE: We're talkin' about
a millionaire who spends his weekends with under-privileged kids. I mean,
we're talkin' about a Phi Beta Kappa from Vanderbilt who still knows why
Hee-Haw is funny. I mean, men like that are just not walking the streets.
SUZANNE: Well, that's good.
Because men like that would be bumping into each other.
BERNICE: I don't think this safe sex is what it's cracked up to be. My husband and I weren't that happy and we always had safe sex. I mean we had it in bed.........and I was usually asleep. I don't think you can get any safer than that.
JULIA: I keep a list of people who touch my behind without permission. Some of them have died unnatural and untimely deaths.
SUZANNE: At Mardel Richardson's wedding
-- you know Mardel has a little weight problem, and she unfortunately chose
a full white gown with a veil. Anyway, just as she's getting ready to go
down the aisle, Julia leans over to me and says, "Look, Suzanne, it's not
a bride, it's a bride float."
JULIA: Oh, I did not. You're
terrible.
SUZANNE: You did so. And then
when the attendants started down the aisle, she said, "If they had any
style at all, they'd ride her in."
JULIA: Well, maybe you'd feel
less ashamed if you changed outfits.
CHARLENE: C'mon, Julia, don't
be so stuffy. For some people this is conservative.
JULIA: Yes, well........ maybe
Tina Turner while lying in state.
As Mary Jo nervously prepares
for her first date since her divorce . . .
JULIA: Here is a quarter for
the payphone, Mary Jo. Mother always used to give Suzanne and me a dime
to call home in case somebody got too fresh. I don't think Suzanne ever
used hers. She eventually used the money to go to Europe.
During Bernice's sanity hearing, Suzanne explains
why Bernice has voodoo dolls
SUZANNE: My housekeeper gave her the voodoo dolls.
I don't see what's weird about that. I have some myself -- it's a little
hobby, y'know. Some people like golf. Some people like revenge.