"You know how much…" He smiled up at her.
"But I want you to tell me." She loved to hear him say it.
"I love you more than you’ll ever know…I love you more than life itself." He kissed away the tears that were running down her face. "Why are you crying Angel Face?"
"Because I’m afraid." She whispered.
"Of what, baby?" Justin sat up and gathered her into his arms.
"Afraid that everything will be taken away if I close my eyes." She stared into his eyes. "I’m scared that you’ll leave me."
"That will never happen…I promise." He leaned over to kiss her and suddenly everything blacked out. When the light came back on, Justin was gone.
"Justin?" There was no answer. Suddenly she was terrified. "Justin where did you go?"
"I’m sorry Megan…"
Megan shot up in bed, tears and sweat pouring down her face. She was dreaming again, dreams of her worst nightmare: being alone. She looked over at Justin who was sleeping peacefully beside her and more tears streamed from her eyes. Something horrible was going to happen, she could feel it in her bones. She had always been afraid of being alone but now that she had children and a family…she wouldn’t be able to stand Justin leaving her. He moved next to her.
"What’s wrong, Meg?" He mumbled.
"Nothing J, go back to sleep." Megan sighed. "I just had a dream, that’s all."
"You sure?" He asked, not sounding even remotely interested and still half asleep.
"Yeah…I’ll be right back." She threw the heavy blanket to the side and climbed out of bed.
What she really needed was a good shot of tequila but for now she’s settle for a glass of milk. She padded slowly down the stairs thinking intently about the ideas she had been having lately. Fear. Doubt. Marriage…
Fear. She was never more afraid than when she looked at her sons for the first time. She didn’t understand why she wanted to run and hide instead of wanting to hold them and never let them go. But the truth was, she was terrified of her children. She had heard of this happening but never thought it would to her. They were so tiny and helpless and she felt that even if she so much as looked at them in the wrong way, she’d hurt them. They were barely 2 months old…so tiny and fragile…she could hurt them…she didn’t want to…but she very easily could…
Doubt was eating away at her soul. She loved Justin and her children more than anything in this world, but at 21 was she ready to settle down and start a whole new life? The last thing she wanted was to end up a washed up, bitter old woman like her mother…but they do say that people are destined to end up like their parents.
The marriage part was what scared her the most. Marriage?! That’s like, the end, even though it’s supposed to be the beginning. She was going to be bound with Justin for the rest of her life. She knew that she wanted to be but this getting cold feet was beginning to scare her.
As she stood there staring out the window, two strong arms slipped around her waist. She jumped in surprise and dropped her glass of milk on the floor. It shattered and a small shriek escaped her lips as Justin yanked her away from the broken glass that had exploded onto the floor.
"Shit, Megan! What the hell is your problem?" He asked. "Why are you so jumpy?"
"Well, Jesus Christ Justin!" Megan pried his hands away from her. "If you were standing in the middle of the kitchen alone at two o’clock in the morning, and someone grabbed you from behind, you would freak out too!"
"I’m sorry baby, I was just trying - "
"Save it Justin! Just leave me alone right now. I need to be alone…" She whisked past him and ran up the stairs. "I’m sleeping in the guest room!" She called over her shoulder.
"And so it starts…again." Justin sighed and he bent to pick up the broken glass and milk that had slowly spread across the floor. "I’m sorry Megan…"
He watched as she slept. He thought back to the first time he had seen her. He had always thought she was beautiful. Everything about her was perfect in his eyes. But she thought she wasn’t. The stigmas she thought she had were non-existent in his eyes. He didn’t care that she came from parents that didn’t love her, boyfriends that abused and hurt her…however, he now understood why she was so reluctant to agree to marry him (she probably still was); no one had ever loved her unconditionally and then he came into her life with open arms and she didn’t know how to react.
He placed a kiss on her forehead, one on her nose and finally, he kissed her lips. He sighed against her mouth and wished she would open her eyes and talk to him. They used to have late night conversations, about life, love, the future…but she was so distant these days. Her mood swings were becoming more frequent. It was like she wasn’t the same person anymore. He missed the fun loving, outgoing person she used to be. That was the girl he had fallen in love with, the one he wanted to marry.
His fingertips danced over her face until her eyes fluttered open. She smiled slightly. The first smile he’d seen from her in days. Her eyes told him that she was sorry for yelling at him, his told her that he was too. He moved a lock of russet colored hair that had covered her eyes and lifted her head towards his. He kissed her lightly at first but more intensely soon after. He had always loved her kisses. Her emotions, as well as his, were always evident in her kisses. They never lied. He let her go and she settled back into her pillow. Smiling one more time and running a hand down his cheek, she fell asleep again.
Once again, he watched her. Tomorrow was going to be another day and it didn’t matter to him how bad it went, he would be all right as long as she was by his side. She was all he needed from now on. He would hold her next to him proudly at award shows that she wasn’t really supposed to be at because the public would go crazy if they saw that engagement ring on her finger. He would go out in public with his sons even though paparazzi was everywhere snapping pictures. As long as she was there with him, he would be OK.
Justin walked into the house the next day after shopping for Megan’s birthday present, and stopped abruptly. It was quiet…to quiet to be a house that held twin infants. He called her name, no answer. His heart dropped. Something was wrong…where was she?
"Megan?" No answer. "Megan if you’re here, answer me!" She's playing a joke… He thought. She's just fucking around with me… "Megan?!" He ran up the stairs and into the boys’ room. Looking around, he almost didn’t see her sitting in the far back corner.
"Justin…I don’t know what to do." She whispered. "I’m SO scared, right now."
"Where are the boys?" Justin asked.
"I took them to Joey’s…they’re OK for now." She wouldn’t even look at him; her eyes were empty.
"Baby, you’re really scaring me." Justin slowly made his way towards her. "What do you mean, ‘they’re OK for now?’"
"I could hurt them if I touch them." Megan finally looked up at him when she realized he was standing right above her. "I don’t want to hurt my babies. I’m so cold, Justin…"
"Angel Face, you’re not going to hurt them…you couldn’t hurt our boys." He took her into his arms. Her skin was freezing. She truly was afraid.
"Not on purpose but what if I – " She became limp in his arms.
"Megan?!" He shook her slightly. "Baby, wake up!" Her eyes fluttered open. "Megan, what’s happening to you?"
"I don’t know…it’s scaring me." Megan looked up at him with tear filled eyes.
"Let’s get you to bed." He picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. He set her down and covered her with the thick blanket. "Are you still cold?"
"Not as much as before." He knew she was lying. "What’s wrong with me Justin?"
"I don’t know baby…" He shook his head. "Maybe it has something to do with the labor, I’ll call the doctor tomorrow and we’ll get you in for a check-up."
"I’ve been getting these chest pains and my heart sometimes beats really fast…and I get dizzy all the time." She stared at the ceiling avoiding his eyes. "I’ve been having these dreams…about the boys."
"What have they been about?" Justin reached under the blankets and took her hand. "You can tell me baby."
"I get very scared and I just run out of the house and leave the boys by themselves." Tears filled her eyes. "I abandoned my babies…why would I even dream of doing that, Justin?!"
"Megan you and I both know that you would never do that." He assured her. "It’s just dreaming. It’s your subconscious, nothing else."
"Justin it’s really scaring me though…" He climbed into bed with her and wrapped his arms around her waist.
"It’ll be OK baby." He kissed her forehead and rested his chin on the top of her head. "I’m so worried about you…"
"Just hold me." Megan said.
"I’m holding you baby." He held her tight against him. She was shivering in his arms. "I thought you said you weren’t cold?"
"I’m not…I just can’t stop shaking…" Her breath was shallow and fast. "Justin, get my inhaler…hurry. It’s in my purse downstairs."
Justin ran to the living room and grabbed Megan’s purse. As he ran back up the stairs, he searched her purse for her inhaler. Finally, he spotted it at the bottom of her purse. He fished it out and ran into the bedroom. Megan was lifeless on her pillow.
"Megan?!" He dropped the purse and ran over to grab her hand. He found a faint pulse at her wrist but he could barely feel it. "Oh, God…" He grabbed the phone and dialed 911.
Justin sat in the familiar waiting room of the hospital with his head resting in his hands. He didn’t even want to begin to count the times he had been here, with frustrated tears in his eyes, wondering why this was happening to his sweet, helpless other half. To look at it positively, at least she wasn’t half-dead because she had been beaten. That didn’t comfort him though. Something was horribly wrong with Megan and it worried him to death that he didn’t know what it was. The doctor entered the room and Justin jumped to his feet.
"What’s wrong with her?" He asked.
"Mr. Timberlake, I talked to Megan and asked what some of her symptoms were and from what I gathered she has what’s called postpartum anxiety or postpartum panic disorder." Justin looked confused.
"I don’t understand." He said.
"It’s similar to postpartum depression, but instead of being depressed she is very anxious." Justin nodded, now understanding Megan’s eagerness lately.
"What can we do about this?" He asked. "I mean, she’s terrified of our children, she can’t keep on like this."
"I’m going to prescribe some medication that will slow her down a little and make her less nervous." The doctor wrote something on his note pad and gave it to Justin. "She should take this twice a day, once in the morning and at night."
"Can she go home now?" Justin asked expectantly. "Her birthday’s in a couple of days and - "
"I think she should stay here for the night, just so we can monitor her. Her heart palpitations with her asthma could be dangerous."
"Does she know she has to stay?"
"I thought she’d like to here it from you." Justin nodded and walked slowly into Megan’s room. She was staring at the TV blankly.
"Hey baby…" He said as cheerfully as possible. "How do you feel?"
"How long do I have to stay here?" Megan asked, not looking at him.
"Just over night so they can monitor you." He smiled. His smile faded when she didn’t return one.
"So they can make sure I don’t kill my children." She said bitterly.
"No, baby - "
"I saw the way that doctor was looking at me Justin…if I were them, I’d keep me here to."
"Meg, they have medicine to help you…you’re gonna be OK." Justin sat next to her and took her hand. "I love you."
"I love you too." She gave him a faint smile. "I’m sorry I’m acting like this…it’s just that, having the boys scared me so much and I was just so afraid…"
"Was?"
"I know now that I’m not going to hurt them…I’m still afraid." Justin smiled and kissed her forehead. "I love them so much."
"I know you do…"
"But you still think I’m crazy." She said coldly.
"Baby, I never thought you were crazy." He assured her. "I love you and I want you to get better."
"I just don’t think I need medicine…I’ll feel like a mental patient that they have to keep medicated so she doesn’t chew her hand off or something."
"Megan…" Justin let out a frustrated sigh and stood up. "No one thinks you’re going to chew your hand off."
"You know what I mean." She snapped.
"What do you want me to do?!" He asked desperately. "I don’t know what else to do for you baby!"
"Loving me is a good start."
"Are we back on that again?" Justin sat next to her and again took her hand. "Megan we've been together for three years. I. Love. You…how many times do I have to say it before you completely believe me?" She opened her mouth to speak but he cut her off. "No…if you don’t believe that I love you by now, I don’t know what else to tell you."
"I know that you love me…I just don’t know how long you’re going to keep loving me." Megan looked away from him. "That’s how my life is Justin. People come into it loving me and walk out hating me."
"Hey," He picked up her left hand; her engagement ring sparkled in the light. "You see this ring? I wouldn’t have put that on your finger if I didn’t know that I wanted to love you for the rest of my life."
"I know."
"Then stop questioning it!" He smiled at her. "I know it’s hard for you because it’s new, but just let it happen…let me love you."
"I will Justin." She smiled and grabbed the hand that covered hers.
"Megan..." He cupped her chin and pulled her up to face him. "I have an idea."
"What?" She sniffled.
"Let's get out of here." He said. "Let's move to Tennessee."
"Why?"
"It's so much better for us there...we'll be in the woods away from everybody. We'll be close to my mom and she'll get to see the boys more often...it just seems better."
"Peaceful?"
"That's the best part." He smiled. "We can just pack our stuff and go. I still own the house, my mom's been keeping it up for me. She'll be so happy to have us close." Looking into Justin's eyes, Megan could see how much this meant to him.
"Alright Justin...let's go." He smiled and pressed his lips to hers.
"I love you." He whispered.
"Ditto." She smiled back. Gazing at her baby boys, Megan knew this was right for them. Justin was right...it would be better.
Megan sighed as she dropped another pill down the sink. There was no way she was going take all those medications for no reason. Justin was breathing down her neck constantly, making sure she was taking them. What he didn’t know was that over the years, she had learned to be very sneaky. She hadn’t been taking the pills in almost two weeks and he didn’t suspect anything. But Megan knew that it would only be a matter of time before she would be caught.
"Megan." Megan gasped and spun around.
"Yeah?!"
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing." She said quickly. "I was just contemplating whether or not to take a shower."
"Oh…well, I was thinking we could take the boys to the park or something." He entered the bathroom and wrapped his arms around her. "We haven’t done that in a while."
"Sounds like fun." He smiled and kissed her nose.
"I’ll go get them ready."
Luckily, he hadn’t come in the room earlier. She hated lying to him…if he found out he would be furious with her. Megan knew that he hated to be lied to, so many people had lied to him in the past that she was sure he would be crushed if he found out that she was now on that list. He would be heartbroken.
"Megan, are you ready?" She heard Justin call up the stairs.
"Give me a second!" She plastered a semi-believable smile on her face and hurried down the stairs.
Sitting in the park with Justin's arm around her made Megan feel safe. Her life had changed so much in the past three years. Going from an aspiring dancer/writer to being a mother in such a short period of time had taken its toll on her, but she had learned from a very young age that showing pain was like showing weakness.
Looking down at her two baby boys sleeping in their stroller brought tears to her eyes. She loved them so much, but she just didn't feel that it was enough. She still couldn't bring herself to hold them as much as she should, Justin usually held up most of her end of the parenting. She fed them only becuase she had to, Justin couldn't exactly do that himself. However she made him stay in the room with her, just in case. He understood that she was still scared. He was so understanding.
Noticing her tears, Justin touched her hand. Her eyes sliced to his as tears slid down her face. His face fell and he pulled her to him. She buried her face in his chest and sobbed her fears away. He was just as scared as she was about being a parent, but obviously he was much stronger. He just hoped that moving to Memphis was what was best for them.
"J, what about the big screen?" Megan called up the stairs. "Are we taking it?"
"I don't know! Do you want to?" Justin called back.
"Justin!" Megan wined. "It's your God damn T.V., what do you want to do with it?!"
"Call Joey and see if he wants it."
"Arg!" Megan turned to the movers who were patiently waiting. "Leave it." They nodded and looked around. "Take the china cabinet and all these tables, and please be careful, they're antiques."
As soon as they got to work Megan climbed up the stairs, ready to give Justin a piece of her mind. When she entered bedroom she found Justin packing Megan's numerous pictures. He looked at each one fondly before wrapping it in bubble wrap and placing it safely in a box. It took him a second to notice her.
"Do you remeber when we took this picture?" He held it up to her. She laughed lightly and took the picture from his hand. It was taken in Taos, New Mexico last winter.
"That was right before you beaned me in the head with a snowball." She said. "You were hiding it behind your back."
"You fell for it." Justin laughed. She punched him in the stomach.
"You're sneaky." She scolded him. "You take advantage of my trust in you."
"Ahh...poor baby." He pulled her to him. "You want kisses?"
"It would help." She pouted. He smiled and kissed her softly.
"Better?" He asked. her eyes were still closed and she smiled.
"Much..." She sighed.
"Good." He smiled and smacked her bottom. "Now get the hell out of here so I can finish packing."
"I can feel the love in this room." She said sarcastically as she exited the room.
"You know I love you!" Justin said. He shook his head and smiled, going back to his packing.
As soon as the moving truck was filled with all their stuff, the movers left to deliver it to Memphis. The house seemed so empty with most of the furniture gone. What they hadn't packed they had sold or put in storage. A makeshift bed was in the living room for Megan and Justin to sleep. The boys would sleep with them. Tomorrow morning they would start what would turn into a two-day trip to Memphis.
Justin fell asleep right away but Megan was wide awake. The thoughts that had kept her awake for many nights were still plaguing her. If she went to Memphis, she would be far out of her comfort zone. They say that the things we fear the most are those that are unfamiliar to us. Memphis was thousands of miles away from the people she was comfortable with. Joey and Kelly wouldn't be there. JC, who was one of her best friends, wouldn't be there. Chris and Lance...no one would be there.
She looked at Justin sleeping peacefully next to her and realized that she wouldn't be alone. The one man that loved and cared for her was going to be there. She also had her beautiful children...she wasn't alone. Why did she still have this feeling that when she needed her best friends the most, they would be too far away to help her?
