Taking You Home
© October 2000
I am so cold. Lying here, on the cold damp earth,
shivering uncontrollably. It can only
lead me back to a cherished memory of a night so long ago. A night that slowly evolved into morning and
generated life and love into my lackluster existence. A night that found me lazing across a row of washing machines at
the local laundry. A night that
established the beginning of the end.
I’d rather conjure up
the images of something as ridiculous as lying atop a washing machine than face
the reality that lay beneath me.
There’s more than enough time for that later.
The two smallest toes on
my left foot are cramping painfully.
What makes them do that, especially when you are so cold and no matter how
tightly you try pulling yourself into a little ball and hugging your sides, you
just can’t stop the shaking? And as
much as you try to keep those two toes separate, they just rebel and gravitate
towards each other once again.
I need to get up and walk
away, but this is where I belong. This
is where I’m able to catch my breath, let my mind wander at it’s own will and
cry if I so desire. Here on the cold
damp earth, surrounded by the gently swaying trees, the hovering gray clouds
that are doing their best to cover each and every bright little star, the eerie
whisperings of unseen creatures, both dead and alive, here is the only place I
can feel his heart beating in rhythm to mine.
When was the last time I
felt truly warm, truly happy, and alive?
No, I have no right to ask those questions. Those feelings of warmth, happiness and being alive have had
their time and I don’t deserve them ever again. This is my reality now, my tears, my uncontrollable shivering, my
cold damp earth, my solitude.
Reality is omnipresent,
it won’t take no for an answer, will it?
It’s like a tiny little bug that can wind its way into wherever it wants
to be. Reality doesn’t know the difference
between good and bad, it just exists.
Why would one be lying
across a washing machine anyway? Who in
their right mind would jump up on the hard sleek vibrating surface and lie
there fully stretched out and actually enjoy it as they laughed happily?
I don’t want to think
about whom. That who will bring the
good reality back to the forefront of my thoughts once again. That who . . . he was my who, he was my
reality, he was my life, he was my love, he was . . . No matter what
comes into my mind though, it all leads back to him, whether it’s good or
bad. Maybe I need to drown in the good
realism that used to be, just this once.
His face is still so
clear in my mind even after all these months.
Some say the face is the first thing to leave your memory, but not for
me. Those eyes of his had held me captive
from their first brief glance in my direction.
How could I ever forget them? I
remember that moment like it only happened minutes ago.
****
He stood barely ten feet away from where I stood,
his head tilted downwards as he quickly signed the slips of paper that were
being thrust at him from all directions.
I wasn’t there for an autograph, just for some clean clothing, but it
was too hard to concentrate on folding my towels in thirds or my panties in
half when a gorgeous man with a tired smile was standing in the middle of
Griffin’s Laundry with a dozen women clamoring around him. Certainly I could fold and stare under any
normal circumstances, but this was one in the morning and no one but me is
usually doing their laundry at such an ungodly hour. He happened to look up and that’s when I saw them, his eyes. A brilliant shade of green that I’d never
seen before. It was only a swift glance
he sent me before looking down at the woman who was clutching his arm and
speaking rapidly to him. He nodded
kindly to her and then brought his eyes up to me once again. I hadn’t realized I hadn’t even bothered to
breathe in those few quick moments, but then I just had to slowly suck in some
air, which was pungent with the aroma of detergent and fabric softener sheets,
as his gaze met mine and held me entranced.
I absently smoothed the clean laundry lying on the table before me, as I
stood there mesmerized. His smile was
slow in coming, but once the corners of his thin lips started creeping up, I
was a goner. My heart beat furiously
against my chest and my right hand automatically came up as if to soothe and
settle the flustered organ. I saw him
try to suppress a laugh and tilted my head slightly in question. His answer was to nonchalantly point towards
me and raise his eyebrows. Not
understanding him or his humor at all, I rolled my eyes and finally tore my
gaze from him. That’s when I got it,
the reason for his mirth. In my hand
covering my heart was my favorite pair of panties; silky white hipsters
sprinkled with tiny red hearts. I burst
out laughing and looked back towards him.
He was grinning widely and somehow managed to usher out his last
worshipper before turning back in my direction. With amusement glowing around him, he made his way over to me and
introduced himself. Within the hour, we
were like two old friends, two silly friends who were let loose in a deserted
laundry-mart in the middle of the night, without a care in the world. We did end up lazing on top of the washing
machines and laughed ourselves silly at the freedom of acting like children
once again.
****
It’s not the end of my
reverie that suddenly has me pulled back to the present. It’s the sound of approaching footsteps
crunching the scattered twigs, leaves and stones behind me. I know who it is, there’s no need to be
startled or scared. It’s my savior,
coming to bring me back home.
His warm hand fell upon
my shoulder and I allowed him to pull me off my cold damp earth and into his
comforting embrace. The loss I felt at
that moment though was tantamount to the original first pangs that engulfed me
one year ago tonight.
“No, I’m not finished,”
I reach for the headstone that stands protectively over my solemn bed of
despair. I haven’t reached that point
in my mind where I evoke the happiness or grief that came from the body lying
below, encased in its eternal cradle.
“I can’t leave yet, Alex. It’s
too soon.”
“Bailey,” his voice
fills my ear as his arms pull me away from the engravings on the granite stone
that I have yet to trace, “you can’t do this anymore. Come home, its cold.”
The dry sobs in my
throat scratch their way upwards. “NO .
. . I need to stay, I can’t leave him here.
Everyone else has left him, Alex.”
I turn to look at my friend and see that his dark eyes are heavy with
his own despair. I can’t pull my gaze
away as his tears wind their way down his thin face. Alex loved him more than any other person in his life; I always
knew that. I’m being unfair to him now,
but he can’t possibly feel the grief I do.
He hasn’t lost as much as I have, he hasn’t lost them both.
“I haven’t left him,
Bailey. He’s here in my heart and in my
mind every minute of every day. He’s
not out here anymore. You can’t keep
doing this every night, Bailey, you have to say good-bye to him and come home
and start living again. He would want
you to.” His hold on my shoulders is
painful, yet, soothing.
“Living? I don’t deserve to live again, Alex. It’s all my fault he’s gone.” I wrench myself from his grasp and drop to
my knees and finally trace the letters that spell out his beautiful name . . .
James Scott Richardson. My Jamie, my
baby, my son, Kevin’s son, Alex’s godson.
His shaking fingers
cover mine and we scroll over his name once again. “It’s not your fault.” He whispers hoarsely and wraps his arms
around me once again. “No one blames
you.”
I close my eyes and lean
my weary body against his. It is my
fault, I know it, Kevin thinks it, Nick said it. Alex never said anything to lead me to believe he thought it, but
he must know it too.
****
Kevin and I were married barely a month after
meeting that night at Griffin’s Laundry.
We kept it a secret for three months while I stayed in Lexington to
finish school. On the day of my
graduation, Kevin brought Alex with him and I was never more scared of any one
person as I was of him. His wild
appearance intimidated me and his out-going manner unnerved me. His initial response to Kevin’s introduction
of me as his wife was sheer rage. I
cringed at the anger that flared from his dark eyes as he whipped off his
sunglasses and stared in disbelief at Kevin.
Kevin only laughed at his friend as he clutched me in his embrace. He had expected nothing less from Alex he
said. He anticipated Alex’s anger and
was grateful for what it represented.
For Alex wasn’t mad at me, but at the fact that his friend hadn’t
confided in him sooner, that he hadn’t the opportunity to stand by his side. I remained fearful of this friend of my new
husband’s for most of the afternoon, despite his outlandish attempts to set me
at ease. It wasn’t until Alex finally
dropped his façade and quietly embraced me and whispered a thank you into my
ear, that I lost my fear and found my new friend.
****
His gentle urging brings us both to our feet and we
look down one last time in companionable silence, filled with grief over our
loss.
“You shouldn’t walk
here, Bailey, I keep telling you that,” he scolds gently as he guides me from
the small cemetery. I can’t help but
smile slightly at his hint of exasperation.
Yes, he tells me frequently what to do, but he knows I can’t get here
any other way. He knows I’m punishing
myself in any little way I can. A
three-mile walk in either direction, whether it be in the blistering heat of a
summer day or the snapping cold of a winter evening, is nothing compared to the
pain I brought to my child or my husband.
****
Kevin. The
only man I have ever loved or was loved by unconditionally . . . until that
day. Kevin succeeded where no person
had done so before. He made me happy,
he brought the sunshine into my eyes, he gave me his heart, and he took
mine. Our marriage was revealed to his
friends and family first, and then to the public. The receptions to his announcement were mixed as was expected,
and thankfully after only a few more months we were no longer the main topic of
discussion. Aside from the fans, Nick
took Kevin’s news the hardest. He
suffered a great loss and found it hard to accept me. I understood and didn’t blame him, but still, it was difficult to
see the younger man’s desolation brought on by my presence. That’s when my Alex started his crusade of
being my knight in shining armor. He came
to my defense whenever Nick could no longer contain his resentment, because
Alex understood only too well Nick’s feelings of loss and betrayal by
Kevin. Kevin never could understand
Nick’s feelings though and tried his best to assure him that his marriage would
not affect their relationship or career.
Kevin closed his eyes to Nick’s grief.
That should have given me some indication of his eventual behavior, but
how was I to know then where life would lead us?
****
“Why are you here?” I
ask Alex as he unlocks the car and opens my door. “I thought you were in Orlando preparing for the new tour.”
He graces me with his
infamous smirk and pushes me playfully into the car. I know what he’s doing, what he always does. He’s battling my grief for me. He’ll attempt a lame joke next to make me
laugh and forget my pain for a brief second.
He slams my door without answering and climbs into his own seat. I watch him from the corner of my eye,
awaiting his response. His lower lip is
trembling slightly; his hand is fidgeting with the keys. With a sigh he glances at me quickly. “Kevin’s here.”
The thought of Kevin
being here both frightens me and exhilarates me. He’s been gone so long.
Does he still hate me? God, I’ve
missed him so much. Why today
though? I know why, but still, I can’t
handle this right now. This is the day
I’ve slowly been counting down to. I
have nothing. I have absolutely nothing
to look forward to. In my dismal state,
this one-year anniversary has been prevalent in my mind. Damn it!
I may not have seen
Kevin for nearly six months now, but I can still feel his touch on my every
nerve ending. I am rendered speechless
beside an equally quiet Alex. Even now,
I can still smell everything about Kevin.
****
On the day Jamie left us, I had awakened firmly
tucked in Kevin’s warm embrace. I
relished being captive in his strong arms and I tried depicting each and every
scent that clung to him. The faint
remains of the aftershave he had splashed on the previous morning; the hint of
garlic on his breath from the rigatoni and warm bread we ate for dinner. The snug t-shirt molded to his chest
radiated the aroma of his deodorant, mingled with his own masculine scent. His dark hair, all askew, still smelled
slightly of the woodsy hickory chips from the small bonfire the three of us had
cuddled around just before bed. He had
softly sung silly little songs to Jamie.
****
Jamie!
Oh god, I can’t catch my
breath! No matter how deeply I draw in
the cold mountain air, I can’t breathe right.
“Stop Alex! Stop the car!” The confines of his roomy rental are
suffocating me, closing in on me. The
goddamn seat belt won’t release!
“Alex! Get me out of here!”
My door is open and he’s
pulling me out. I’ve scared him
completely this time. I can see it in
his eyes, I can feel it in the hesitating way he’s guiding me away from the
car.
“Bailey?”
I’m hyperventilating and
I can’t stop it. Oh god, my Jamie! I want my baby!
****
When Jamie was born a month earlier than expected,
he caused quite the scene backstage at the arena in Atlanta. He came so fast, so easily, so
unexpectedly. By the time Kevin came
barreling through the dressing room door, Jamie was already lying across my
abdomen, crying his little heart out.
It was the most beautiful song I ever heard. Kevin stood frozen a few feet from us, tears streaming down his
flushed face. I extended my hand and he
fell to his knees beside me. He wrapped
us both in his embrace as he choked on his own sobs. Our little boy wailed louder and it was only the soothing touch
of his father’s fingertips that soon lulled him into an exhausted sleep. James Scott Richardson had decided to make
his entrance on his mother’s best friend’s birthday, January 9, 1998.
****
The realization that
Alex may never enjoy his own birthday again has aided me in bringing my wild
clutching and frantic breathing under control.
I look up into his eyes and the pain I see devastates me. “Oh Alex, I’m so sorry.” I can feel his heart beating fiercely as I
cling to his warm frame. The arms’
holding me so tightly feels good. No
one holds me anymore. I miss it.
“Bailey, you’re scaring
the shit outta me.”
“I know Alex, I’m
sorry.” He’s dyed his hair again. I much prefer the darker shades with a tint
of blue or red, but he’s still my Alex no matter what he does to himself. He calls me often and flies up every couple
of months to check up on me. It seems
so long since his last visit. It seems
so long since I saw him happy in my presence.
****
In celebration of his twenty-second birthday, Alex
became Johnny Suede and created a whole new persona for his adoring fans to
fantasize about. His performance was
pure brilliance and as I watched him from the side of the stage, my heart
swelled with love. He was so wild and
free and . . . happy, and he was my best friend.
The first year of my marriage to Kevin was both
wonderful and difficult. His rising
fame took him away from me for weeks on end at times. We missed and loved each other deeply, and it hurt to be
apart. Alex taught me that if it didn’t
hurt so much, then it wasn’t true love.
Few people knew the real Alex, the Alex that only wanted to be loved
unconditionally. You see, Alex is the
type of person that gives his whole heart and soul when he loves and he’s
become accustomed to differentiating true love from contingent love. As young as he was, he’d been used once too
often.
Hours after the show, Alex, Brian and I met we met
up with Kevin, who had just flown in from Kentucky. We continued to party with the rest of the Backstreet family
until the sun came up. It was Jamie’s
second birthday as well, but since he was too young to know any better, we had
celebrated it on the prior Sunday.
Kevin had a secret and all night long he was bursting
to let it out. I’d thought his sudden
overnight trip to Kentucky was totally out of character for him. He was usually so open with me and rarely
acted on spontaneity. As it turns out,
Alex was his willing accomplice and his begging of me to stay in town for his
birthday had drawn my attention away from Kevin’s peculiar behavior.
When it was no longer the day of Alex’s birthday,
Kevin could contain his excitement no longer.
He pulled a thin sheet of paper from his back pocket and handed it to me. It was a deed to our new home away from home
nestled in the Kentucky Mountains and we were going to spend two glorious weeks
there with our son. I’m still here
though.
****
“Alex, I’m sorry I
missed your birthday.” I had wanted to call him that day, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t bring myself to speak to
anyone or think of anyone on that day except for my Jamie. “I do have a gift for you at the house.” I know he doesn’t fault me for not calling.
“Bailey, Kevin needs to
see you. It’s time.” Alex pulls away from our embrace and kisses
my forehead gently. “Can you let him
back into your heart?”
“Oh Alex, I sent him
away, but he’s never left my heart.” I
never explained to anyone why Kevin left, it was too painful.
Over the past year, there
have been many mornings where I can't find the energy or the desire to pull
myself from my bed. The rising sun
taunts me with its promises for a brighter day; its warm rays caress me as they
enter my bedroom uninvited. My
heartache usually prevails and I often wave the sunshine away to someone more
deserving. On the days I do possess the
strength to embrace the new day, I shower and dress quickly, always careful to
avoid my own reflection though. For if
Kevin can't bear the thought of looking at me any longer, then neither can I.
I while away my days in
self-imposed solitude. I dissuade
well-meaning friends from visiting me.
The only one that doesn’t respect my wishes is Alex. He tends to show up on my doorstep every
couple of months. If anyone is brave
enough to invade my seclusion, then it must be him. I owe him so much. He
talks too much. He almost makes me
laugh. He sings to me. He holds me. He tells me about Kevin.
The only activities I
fondly partake in are thinking, writing and drawing. I think about those I have lost; I think too much. I write letters to Kevin and Jamie - letters
that will never be read. I draw pictures
of the three of us - scenarios that will never be played out.
It is one of my drawings
that has Kevin oblivious to our entrance.
He’s standing before the
fireplace just staring at a piece of paper.
I can’t see his face, but I can see his expression in my mind. I fall asleep every night with his pain-filled
look embedded behind my eyes. His hair
is so long. His clothing seems to just
hang limply from his long frame. He’s
changed so much. But I suppose I have
as well.
“Bailey?” Alex is gently
pushing me towards Kevin, but I stand fast.
I can’t just go to him. Has Alex
lost his mind? It’s been six months for
god’s sake!
Without taking my eyes
off Kevin, I brush Alex’s fingers from my shoulder. He grabs my hand instead and kisses the back of it gently. “He won’t bite, Bailey. Go!”
He slides past me and goes into the small kitchen. I can hear him opening the refrigerator and
swearing softly. I know, Alex, I have
no alcohol. Kevin and I spent too many
weeks last spring lost in alcoholic hazes.
******
We left Orlando on the first of February with a
very excited two year old. Kevin had a
surprise waiting for him in Kentucky and would only hint that it had a
tail. Jamie’s exuberance and infectious
laughter had half the plane smiling along with him. He finally wore himself out and snuggled deeply in his daddy’s
lap with a happy sigh.
It was late afternoon when we reached the
cabin. The crisp wind stung my cheeks
but I couldn’t tear my eyes from the glorious sight that stood before me. The house Kevin bought us was nestled among
dozens of strong protective trees. The
fading sun fought gallantly and threw down its last glorious rays upon us. Jamie wandered aimlessly towards the front
porch enthralled with the splendor of this nature he had never before
seen. Kevin had wrapped his strong arms
around me and I luxuriated in not only his warm embrace, but in the bliss that
he had brought into my life. When I
looked up at him my breath caught in my throat at the happiness that exuded
from his beautiful eyes.
*****
Oh, what I wouldn’t give
to see the life back in Kevin’s eyes. I
want him back! I want him to hold
me! I want him to love me!
“Hello Bailey.”
His voice is the same,
yet filled with apprehension and sadness.
My hands won’t stop shaking and I want to greet him, but what do I say?
Alex is at my side once
again and takes my hand. Does he know I
can’t move? I’m so scared. Kevin is moving towards me and all I want to
do is run and jump in his arms and have him tell me he loves me and forgives
me. I want to tell him that I love him
with all my heart. But I can’t have
what I want anymore. I lost all that
the day I lost Jamie.
*****
It was our fifth day in the mountains and Kevin
decided we needed more supplies. With a
teasing grin he tossed me back in our bed and declared that all the fresh air
and loving was making his appetite grow, in more ways than one. I laughed happily and pulled him back onto
the bed with me. I held him captive
with my limbs and devoured his kisses.
Our playfulness eventually died away and was replaced with the most
intense passion. We vowed to love one
another forever. We promised one
another a lifetime of kisses. We stared
deeply into one another’s eyes, sealing those pledges as we became one.
*****
Alex tugs my hand and
draws me into the living room. My feet
feel like lead and my heart is throbbing wildly. Kevin is standing not three feet from me. His hands are shaking too. Could he be just as scared as I am? I know it must hurt to see me. I’m not the same person. I’m not the woman he fell in love with.
The drawing he’s holding
is the one I did this morning. It’s the
one I’ve envisioned so many times over the last year. It’s the one that depicts that day if only I hadn’t failed.
It’s the one that has
Kevin and me and Jamie and BooBear sitting on the living room floor playing
with Matchbox cars. All of us happy,
relaxed and safe. Now there is only
Kevin and I standing here, uncertain of what to say to each other. For BooBear died with Jamie that day.
*****
Kevin’s surprise for Jamie was a squirming ball of
silky black fur. A two month old puppy
that licked Jamie’s face all over the second he took it in his arms. Jamie named him BooBear and Kevin and I did
our best to hold back our grins over the choice of its name. That sweet puppy and Jamie were inseparable
from the moment we entered the cabin.
They slept together; they played together. They loved each other.
They died together.
****
The strangled cry
erupting from Kevin’s lips brings forth my own. Shaking off Alex’s hand once more, I reach for Kevin tentatively. What if he doesn’t want my touch? What if he pushes me away?
The drawing is
fluttering to the floor and his hand is reaching for me as well. Oh god!
It feels like an eternity as we stumble towards each other.
I can’t tell which one
of us is trembling more. I can’t
believe he’s actually holding me. Oh
god, this is the first time I’ve been able to touch him in six months. I love it, yet I hate it at the same time.
He’s only held me this
tightly once before. Our ragged
breathing is the same as it was then.
*****
Kevin and I had lingered over our mugs of coffee
and compiled a shopping list. He kissed
me one last time then threw on his heavy jacket and headed down the mountain
for the general store. The closest town
was a good twenty minutes away and he planned on being gone a little over an
hour. I dressed quickly and went into
Jamie’s room to find him sitting in the middle of his messy bed with BooBear
snuggled happily on his lap. The television was on and my precious boy was
giggling incessantly over the antics of the Rugrats He had his father’s spiky black hair and the same shining green
eyes. My heart felt like it would
burst as I watched him from the doorway.
He noticed me finally and crawled off his bed, one of his little white
socks dangling from his foot. I caught
him up in my arms and gave him a dozen sloppy kisses. We dressed him in his favorite overalls and a red sweatshirt, and
then went downstairs and shared a bowl of oatmeal. Jamie was the only other person I knew that enjoyed oatmeal as
much as I did. After we brushed our
teeth and combed each other’s hair, I told Jamie I had seen two little rabbits
scurrying across our backyard. His eyes
lit up and his little hands clapped together excitedly as he asked if we could
go outside and play with them. BooBear
had no idea what excited Jamie so, yet he eagerly joined in with the happy
skipping down the hallway. I pulled our
coats from the closet and bundled my baby up well. There wasn’t much snow outside, but it was still very cold. He picked his red mittens out of the pile at
the bottom of the closet. Red was his
favorite color. We then sat on the
polished hardwood floor and I tickled the bottom of his feet before I tugged on
his little tan work boots. Brian had
given the boots to Jamie before we left and had told him that no real Kentucky
man would venture into the hills without them.
Jamie so adored his Uncle Brian and it didn’t matter if he understood
everything he said or not. He insisted
on wearing the boots every day for a week before we left just because Uncle
Brian had bought them. We ran outside
with high expectations and commenced are bunny hunt. The brisk air stung our cheeks and our words were accompanied by
puffs of smoky white clouds. BooBear
scurried around our feet and barked noisily as Jamie and I called out “Here bunny, come on bunny.” Jamie loved it so. We peeked through the bushes and under the porch in hopes of
finding a furry friend. When none were
discovered we decided to gather what little snow there was and create our own
little bunny. We laughed so much as we
tried to make our own version of floppy ears and a cottony tail. The smile he wore on his pink face was
priceless. I heard the crunch of gravel
as Kevin pulled up to the front of the house.
BooBear began his excited little barking once again and jumped all over
our snow bunny. We didn’t care though
that it was half demolished. We just
patted the shape back into place and laughed happily. Until we heard Kevin’s shout that is. I jumped to my feet out of fear and told Jamie to stay right
where he was. I ran around the house to
find Kevin sprawled out on the front porch, a box of groceries strewn out
around him. I rushed over to him and
asked what happened. With a sheepish grin,
he said, “Damn dog got under my feet.”
I looked around and didn’t see BooBear anywhere. “Are you hurt?” I asked as I helped him into
a sitting position. He rubbed his right
shin and nodded his head. “I think I’ve
scraped it pretty good.” I brushed a
smudge of dirt off his forehead and kissed him gently. “I’ll kiss it later and make it all
better.” He pulled me down onto his
lap and nuzzled my cold neck. I
couldn’t help but crave for his lips to be on mine, so I lifted his head and
sought them out. Kevin and I had no
trouble getting lost in each other’s arms.
A few minutes later we pulled apart and Kevin asked me “Where’s
Jamie?” With the sudden realization
that I had forgotten all about him for a few moments, I wrenched myself from
Kevin’s arms and ran for the backyard, crying “Oh god, Oh god.” Kevin was right behind me and collided into
me as I turned the corner and noticed that Jamie was gone. His arms went around me instantly and he
kept me from falling to my knees. The
distressing sounds emitting from my throat had him shaking uncontrollably. I hyperventilated then too.
****
As if he’s reading my
thoughts, Kevin pulls away from our embrace and the look on his face matches my
own feelings. The tears are threatening
to spill from his eyes. He must be
remembering that very moment as well.
That was the moment our hearts jumped into our throats and our guilt and
grief began to eat us up.
I don’t know what to do
next. I can’t tear my gaze away from
his. We both have lost so much. We lost our son. Eventually we lost our will to live and we lost what it felt like
to love one another.
These past six months
without him, I’ve come to realize though that I love him more than I ever
thought possible, despite the pain we inflicted upon each other and upon
ourselves. I have missed him so
much. I know now what a grave mistake I
made sending him away.
I need to take that pain
in his eyes and banish it forever. But
how, damn it! I can’t even rid myself
of my own pain. I wallow in it. I eat, sleep and exist in it.
“Kevin? Why are you here?” Why am I whispering? I
can’t stand much longer, my legs are so tired; my whole body is tired.
“Bailey. . . “ He’s
whispering too. Are we afraid of what
may come out if we dare speak in normal tones?
“I’ve missed you, Bailey. I’m
sorry . . . “
Oh God! Why’s he
apologizing to me? I’m the one that was
wrong! I’m the one that sent him away
when he needed me the most! But. . . I didn’t
know. He didn’t act like he needed me
then. I thought I was doing the right
thing releasing him from my guilt, from my grief, from me. Was I just too weak, to self-absorbed to
help him?
“I need to . . . “ What
do I need? I need the past year to
never have happened! I need my son
back! I need my husband back!
Oh God! He’s on his knees before me, crying. I did this to him! I can’t stand here and watch the man I loved and lost. I want to leave. I want to stay. What do I
do?
“Kevin?”
“Oh Bailey, forgive me
for leaving you. Forgive me for hurting
you. Forgive me, please!” I’ve never heard his voice sound like
this. It’s so . . . desperate. Oh, my Kevin!
I pull him tight against
me and his arms cling to me. His head
lies against my abdomen and I can feel the shuddering of his body against
mine. I can see Alex out of the corner
of my eye and he’s leaving the room.
Poor Alex. Wonderful Alex.
“I love you,
Bailey.” Kevin’s declaration is muffled
against me, but I’ve never heard four words more clearly in my life. Please, please let it be true! “I’m taking you home.”
Home? He wants me to go home? With him?
Oh god, this is not at all what I expected. Greatly desired, but not expected. Why does he want me back?
I caused his son's death! I
destroyed his happy existence!
How can he be so
cruel? How can he come back here and
tantalize me with the idea of living life again?
“You need to come home,
Bailey! I need you with me.” Kevin’s voice gains strength as he pulls
himself to his feet. “We’ve gone
through enough. We need to stop blaming
ourselves and each other for what happened!”
Alex reenters the room
and leans against the mantle. The
sympathy he feels is clearly evident. I
wonder how he got Kevin to come here?
How did he get through to him?
This is not the Kevin who left here with hatred in his eyes last
September.
Kevin swiftly picks up
the forgotten drawing and holds it out to me.
“We can’t keep living in the past, Bailey! It’s ruining us! It has
ruined us! Jamie is gone. . . gone
forever. But he’ll continue to live on
in our hearts. I need you back. You need to come home, Bailey. I can’t keep living like this without
you. I love you!”
I can’t take this. Did he really say he loved me? Oh god. . . I feel dizzy. I want to just close my eyes and slip into
that dark place where there is no feelings or thoughts, just peaceful oblivion.
“Bailey, you don’t look
so good.” Alex rushes towards me and
guides me into the chair behind me.
“Kevin, enough! You can’t hit
her with all this at once.” The
authority in Alex’s voice soothes me.
He’s so gentle and sweet to me.
“What do you need, Bailey?”
Ooh boy, what a loaded
question Alex. Need? I need everything to be right again. I need my old life back. I need my happy little family. I need to see the life back in your eyes and
Kevin’s eyes. I need to move on. . .
No! God, what am I thinking? There is no moving on. Never.
“Nothing, Alex, I’m just
tired.” I glance up to Kevin and try to
give him a small smile. How can I not? Look at him!
He’s beautiful, even now. And he
still loves me? He shouldn’t though.
*******************
We both started calling
out to him. We frantically looked in
the bushes. We looked behind the tall
naked trees. I threw myself to the ground
and looked under the porch. Surely he
was hiding under there?
“Jamie! Daddy’s home! Come see what he brought?”
My heart felt like it was about to explode as the fear coursed through
my body.
“Call 911.” Kevin had
shouted as he ran across the yard to the other side of the house. I flew up the back steps and into the
cabin. To this day, I still don’t know
what I said to the operator. When I
rushed back down the hall towards the backdoor, with the portable phone in my
hand, it occurred to me that the puppy was missing as well. BooBear? Why don’t we hear BooBear barking?
I flew through the open
door to the sound of the most anguished scream erupting from Kevin. I looked straight across the yard, through
the frozen brambles, and saw it.
A red mitten.
One red mitten lying on
the edge of the frozen lake.
I shifted my gaze and
saw Kevin racing through the trees. I
looked beyond him and fell to my knees on the cold damp porch. I needed to scream, but nothing came out as
I witnessed my son disappearing through the deadly ice.
*********************
I am so cold. Where am I?
There is this heavy mass engulfing me.
I can’t move my arms. Why is it
so dark? Is this what death feels
like? Cold, scary, lonely? Where is Jaime then? Why can’t I see him or hear him?
“Jamie!”
Oh god, of course I
can’t find him. We wouldn’t be in the
same place. He was an angel; I am
nothing.
“Bailey! Come on, Bailey, wake up baby. Bailey, please don’t do this to me. I need you.”
Why is Kevin in hell
with me? It wasn’t his fault Jamie fell
through the ice. It’s my fault. I forgot about him. I neglected him.
“Bailey! Wake up!”
I’m not dead? Oh god!
“Kevin?”
“Ssh, hon. You passed out downstairs. Everything is going to be okay now.” He’s brushing my limp hair off my
forehead. His touch is so warm and
soothing. I’ve missed it.
I guess I got my wish to
slip into that dark place, but it wasn’t the one I was hoping for. I open my eyes to find him staring down at
me. Those beautiful eyes, once
brilliant with love and happiness, are now only filled with concern and
sadness. I want those eyes that I fell
in love with four years ago to come back.
“I’m sorry.” I’m still whispering. Will I ever be able to speak to him normally
again? For so many months last spring
and summer, our conversations were only filled with bitterness. We forgot how to communicate. We forgot how to soothe each other with
quiet, peaceful words. I want to touch
him. “My arms, Kevin. I can’t move.” He chuckles slightly at me and lifts his weight off the bed and
eases down the heavy quilts from my body.
“You were so cold,
Bailey. I guess I went overboard on the
blankets, huh?” It’s so good to see a
smile on his face. He sits back down beside
me and I stroke his face with trembling fingers.
“You’re really here,
huh?”
He nods and his smile
widens. “I’m here, Bailey and I’m not
leaving without you again.”
He's going to kiss
me. I can’t help but tremble. Whether it’s from fear, excitement or longing,
I just don’t know. What will it be
like? Will it be soft and polite, as it
was in the beginning? Will it be strong
and passionate, as it was in the middle?
Or will it be harsh, as it was in the end? What if he has no passion left in him for me? I can’t blame him if he doesn’t.
We were so mean to each
other in the end. I hated myself for
losing Jamie and I hated that Kevin kept coming back up to the mountain to
visit me. He would show up every few weeks
when his schedule would allow. His commitments
to the group kept him busy with appearances, writing, composing and producing a
new record. He kept well occupied,
unlike me.
Each and every time he
did arrive, the first half hour or so would be filled with awkwardness. When we finally could look into each other’s
eyes, it just hurt so much to see the raw pain residing there. I hated myself even more for being the cause
of that pain in his once sparkling eyes.
We tried to find a
common ground. We tried to act like a
normal husband and wife. We tried to
live as we once used to. We even tried
ignoring the fact that we ever had a son in the first place. Nothing worked. It always ended up the same.
We'd make frantic love,
desperate to find the much-needed solace in the arms of the only other person
that could possibly fathom the depths of our anguish.
Then it would
begin. The ugliness.
First came the
silence. It was as if we were two
strangers, suddenly realizing what we’d just done and being very uncomfortable with
the situation. The air would be filled
with doubt, with regret, with cravings for normalcy.
Then came the
screaming. Alcohol was a definitive
participant in our dark dramas. It was
sipped initially to help quell the unease.
While the right words to convey our thoughts and feelings remained
strangled within our selves, the glasses were consistently filled with whatever
liquor we could find, savagely loosening our tongues. Screaming, crying, fighting, they were the only way we could
communicate.
He blamed himself for
not saving Jamie; I blamed myself for everything, including stopping him from
saving Jamie.
Why couldn't he have
just stayed away that last day? Maybe
if he hadn’t kept coming up, I wouldn’t have been so vicious. I wouldn’t have finally scrounged up the
strength to make him leave once and for all.
****************
It was only when I saw
Kevin plunge through the ice at the edge of the lake that I was able to move my
legs. I flew down to the water, phone
in hand, and grabbed the back of his jacket.
He was up to his knees in frozen water, the ice certainly not strong
enough to hold his weight. He was
screaming for Jamie, clawing wildly at the broken chunks of ice, attempting to
crawl back onto solid surface. Each
movement he made only crumbled the ice further. I was screaming for both of them. Jamie was at least forty feet out and gone. I couldn't lose Kevin as well.
He pushed me back and slapped my hands away from
him. "NO! I can save him! Jamie!"
I released him and he
surged forward. The tears flowing from
my eyes blurred my vision. Gasping for
breath, I watched as Kevin struggled and stumbled, never making it any closer
to Jamie. I needed help! No one was around.
I edged my way back to
the hard earth and fell to my knees once again. The sight of Kevin fighting for his son's life tore my heart out.
There was nothing, absolutely nothing we could do to save him now. I furiously brushed the tears from my eyes
and looked beyond the devastating scene before me.
A god damn fucking furry
little bunny was scampering across the ice one hundred feet away from me.
*******************
The touch of his lips
against mine is so soft, hesitant even.
It feels euphoric. His lips are
moist and warm. I have missed them so.
He pulls away and
caresses my cheeks. I love him so and I
wish I could tell him.
“Will you come
downstairs now, Bailey? AJ is cooking
for you.”
Cooking? Alex?
He can’t cook!
I can’t help but smile
at the vision of Alex, clad in an apron perhaps, covered in flour, rubbing his
chin in bewilderment as he reads a recipe.
Never in a million years.
Kevin’s head is tilted
slightly and his expression is a mixture of amusement and concern. “Kevin? Before we go down, will you answer
something for me, honestly?”
“Anything babe.”
“Do you blame me for
Jamie’s death. . . like Nick does?”
**************
It seemed forever for help to arrive, but it was
only a mere ten to fifteen minutes after my call to 911. I remember suddenly being surrounded by
unknown faces, being pulled away from the lake. Kevin was forcefully being dragged out of the water, blindly
fighting the hands that pulled him further from his son.
We sat side by side,
swathed in heavy wool blankets, on the cold damp earth as attempts were made to
find our baby. Hours passed with no
success. Kevin and I leaned wearily
against each other; our hands tightly clasped together, neither being able to
utter a word.
There were so many
people swarming around our little house that we never heard the commotion
behind us until I was roughly pushed aside.
Stunned, I looked up at Nick’s face.
It was contorted with hatred and rage.
He narrowed his eyes further at me and said, “I knew you’d end up
hurting him. I hate you, Bailey! This is all your fault.”
Kevin never even heard
him. He was being led away by
Brian. He never even looked back at
me.
I lay on the ground,
numb, until the loving arms of Alex surrounded me. “He doesn’t mean it, Bailey. It’s not your fault.” Howie joined him in embracing me and they
brought me into the house, into my room, and held me until Jamie was found.
Kevin’s eyes are filled
with grief and shame as he contemplates his answer to my question. I know I’m being unfair asking this of him,
but I need an honest response once and for all.
“Do you blame me, Kevin?
I know you never said it, but I felt it.
If you did, I just want you to know that it’s okay. Don’t hold it in anymore.”
His hands cup my face
desperately and he leans his forehead against mine. His eyes blaze into mine.
“NO! I swear I don’t, Bailey. I never did.” His unshed tears shimmer brilliantly before me. My heart swells with love and compassion as
I stare into his eyes, knowing it was my actions, and my actions alone, that
robbed this man of true happiness. “I blamed myself, Bailey. I never blamed you, I just took it out on
you.”
I nod in
understanding. After all, I did the
same to him. I never blamed him for
Jamie’s death, but the hatred I had for myself engulfed me. I didn’t mean to take it out on him, but he
was just so relentless in his trips back to see me and I honestly didn’t
believe that he came because he loved me, but because he felt guilty for
leaving me there. “It wasn’t your fault, Kevin.”
He shakes his head
slowly in disagreement. “I didn’t save
him.”
“You couldn’t save him.
You would have died too.”
“I didn’t want to just
watch him drown.” A desperate sob
escapes him. I move my arms around his
shoulders and he comes willingly into my embrace. “I’m so sorry, Bailey.”
If I didn’t know my husband so well, I’d have never understood his
apology as his heart wrenching sobs weave through his body.
We sit and cry in each
other’s arms; for our loss, for our hurt, for our regrets, for the pain we
caused each other.
*****************
We buried Jamie up on
the mountain two days after he died. I
was told afterwards that it was the most beautiful and glorious morning that
February had ever seen. The temperature
rose and the winds died away. The sun
beamed down upon us strongly, warming our cold souls. The wispy clouds were few and far between, almost like angels
inconspicuously watching over us.
I remember holding Kevin’s arm so tightly as
they lowered the small white coffin into the ground. I so wanted to die. I had
wanted to die since the moment Jamie was found.
It took well over twelve
hours to bring our son back to the solid earth. A distant relative of Kevin’s was the leader of the search and
rescue team. He refused to give up, as
darkness cloaked us, for which I’ll be eternally grateful. He even found Boobear.
Jamie; dear, sweet,
innocent Jamie followed his puppy onto the ice to get the furry little bunny
that his mommy had glowingly described to him that morning.
It was my fault and I
wished wholeheartedly that I had died too as my son was laid to eternal rest.
****************
“Both of you need to
stop blaming yourselves!” Alex’s voice
is hushed, but the exasperation he feels is evident as it permeates the silence
of the room. We simultaneously pull
away from our embrace, surprised to see Alex standing at the door. “I’ve made dinner and I want you to come
downstairs now!”
We nod at him and he
leaves the room. Kevin moves off the
bed first and turns away from me as he wipes his face clear of its tears.
Struggling to find the
words to say, I sit there unsure of what to do.
“He’s right,
Bailey. It is time to let it all
go.” Kevin offers me his hand and I
take it. He moves the quilts down with
his free hand and I slowly move to my feet.
He keeps my hand firmly grasped within his. “I’m here for one reason and one reason alone. I want you back in my life, Bailey. I love you and I miss you and I can’t go on
without you. I won’t let you make me leave you behind again.”
His words floor me. It’s what I’ve desired greatly the last few
months, but never anticipated hearing them again.
************
“What did you do this week, Bailey?” Kevin asked me
as we sat on the floor before a raging fire.
From his tone, I knew what was coming.
I didn’t care though; I’d heard it all before.
He’d been forcefully pulled away from the mountain
a few days after Jamie’s funeral. He
had commitments, obligations, people who needed him. I had no one that needed me anymore. He came back up the mountain every month or so.
“Nothing.”
“You need to snap out of
this!” He rose to his feet quickly and
fiercely speared a perfectly glowing log in the fire. “You’re wasting your life staying up here! Are you going to just sit here and mourn
forever?”
So much for the
afterglow of our lovemaking. Although,
I don’t think we’d actually made ’love’ since the day Jamie died, seven months
earlier.
That did it. That got my anger up. Not too hard to do after all. He had a life still. He had friends and fans everywhere he
turned. He wasn’t suffocating.
“Fuck you, Kevin.”
“Fuck you, Bailey.”
“Isn’t that what you
just did?”
We stared violently at
each other, waiting to see who would break first and look away.
I won.
“Bang any groupies
lately, Kevin?” It wasn’t me, but the
real me was slowly being devoured by my own hatred and guilt. Nice, sweet, happy Bailey was dying a long slow
death.
My nonchalant tone
pissed him off. He dropped the poker
and grabbed my arm, roughly pulling me to my feet. I was getting what I wanted.
I wanted him to hate me, fully and rationally, once and for all.
Then he wouldn’t be
obligated to come anymore.
“Better yet, Kevin. Manhandle any groupies lately?” I was wicked
and I liked it. “ Tell me, when you get the groupies up to your room, do you
sweet-talk them first, like you do me?
Or do you just get right to it and fuck them furiously?”
The rage in his eyes
actually scared me, but I couldn’t back down now. I was winning.
“God, I just hope you
don’t cry my name out. That would just
be too cruel, don’t you think? After
all, your fans love you and deserve to be called by their rightful names. Hmm, do you even know their names, Kevin?”
He was stunned
speechless. I knew in my heart that he
hurt more so in my presence and it was time to let him go.
He gripped both my
shoulders and shook me hard.
He was coming
undone.
I awaited his wrath and
I got it.
When he was done, I
curled my sore and bruised body into a tight ball and cried silently. I just wished someone had done this to me
earlier. I needed this. I needed to be punished for letting my son
die.
Kevin had collapsed by
my side, his head cradled in his arms, groaning and moaning incoherently over
his actions.
It wasn’t his
fault. I’ve never blamed him for
it. I deserved it.
Now, it was time to
release him forever.
“Go home, Kevin.
Go home and start a new life.
Forget I even exist.”
He tried pulling me into
his arms, all the while sobbing and apologizing vehemently. As much as I wanted to pretend that his arms
around me would vanquish all our sadness, I knew better. We were hanging by a thread and it was up to
me to break it.
“Leave, Kevin. Don’t come back. . . ever.”
I slowly and painfully
pulled myself to my feet and grabbed the fireplace poker. I used it as a crutch as I stared blindly
into the fire, listening to his cries.
“Goodbye, Kevin.” It took him at least fifteen minutes to pull
himself to his feet and then he was gone.
“Shit, Bailey, you’ve got to eat more than
that!”
Alex is just too
precious, sitting at my table and drowning in an old baggy sweater of
Kevin’s. Here he is yelling at me to
eat, having previously claimed that I looked like a starving toothpick, when he
can’t possibly weight more than 140 pounds soaking wet. “Both of you look like sorry winners from
some pathetic year-long survivor series.
It’s not a good look on either one of you.” He tsked and shook his head
before shoveling in another mouthful of the American chop suey he had made.
Kevin and I look at each
other and I can’t help but cringe at the weight he has lost. I’ve read the rampant rumors speculating on
his changed appearance, ranging from drug abuse to a variety of fatal
illnesses. It’s all so excessive and
undeserved. What man wouldn’t suffer so
greatly from the loss of his son?
He’s still so beautiful
to me though. God, I do still love him
more than anything!
His eyes rake over me
and I bristle slightly, wondering what he could be thinking of my
appearance. I stopped caring months ago
of what my body looks like. Long gone
are the designer outfits that Kevin used to love to buy me. Gone are the stylish jeans, slacks, sweaters
and jackets. The best I can do these
days is anything dull and baggy. I just don’t care anymore.
It seems like forever
since anyone has seen what lies beneath my layers of loose clothing. I don’t even know what lies beneath
anymore. I wash and dress every day
without ever looking at what I’m cleaning or covering up. My flesh and bones serve only to keep my
shattered soul from falling out.
“You know I’m the only
one that can pull off the sexy skinny look.”
Alex flashes me one of his rare full blown smiles.
He touches my heart so
much. No one could ever possibly know
how much this amazing man has done for me.
He’s been on my side forever. He’s
held me when no one else was sure if they should. He’s wiped away my tears.
He’s picked me up from the ground at Jamie’s grave more times than I can
count. He’s tucked me in my bed when I
couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.
He’s even kept me faithful to Kevin.
**************
Thanksgiving had arrived unceremoniously and
stubbornly lingered as yet another long, dark, dreary day. All my days, it seemed, were now the same,
nothing to look forward to and everything to think about.
I lay curled up in a
weather-beaten rocker on the front porch, staring morosely into the darkened
sky, not even missing the abundance or the aromas of mouth-watering food, nor
the warmth of being surrounded by family; I was only missing my two men.
One was dead, never to
be seen again. The other was gone;
banished by my own actions and surely never to be seen again either, and I was
scared. Lonely, cold and frightened of
being alone for however much longer I had to suffer in this world.
Hours of saying silent
good-byes were preceded by my resolution to just end it all and walk willingly
into the cruel lake that night, never to feel my heart beat forlornly again.
But Alex showed up.
I despaired that my
plans were thwarted, but a softly spoken Alex saved me and vanquished those
desperate thoughts.
He said, “I’m flying
without wings, Bailey. My life is blessed, but would not be complete if I
didn’t have you to love and call my best friend. Please don’t leave me to fly alone, Bailey.”
No one’s words had ever
affected me as much as his did, not even Kevin’s.
We spent hours cuddled
on the sofa, just holding each other, talking about anything and everything
that mattered to both of us. I told him
all my thoughts, my feelings; everything except for how I made Kevin leave.
He told me of his heartaches,
his joys, his hopes. He never asked me
about Kevin, but I sensed maybe Kevin had already told him.
As the dawn gently
brushed its faint glow through the windows, I turned to Alex and softly pressed
my lips to his and thanked him for loving me.
In that instance, I felt my body come alive, just a little bit. His arms holding me so protectively suddenly
took on a new meaning. I wanted his
touch. I wanted his passion. I wanted Alex to make love to me.
I closed my eyes and met
his lips once again. They were so soft,
so warm. A small whimper escaped me
when he started to respond to my kiss.
My breathing grew arduous as he filled my soul with yearning. My fingers skimmed his forehead, his eyes
and his cheeks, every slightest touch swelling my desires further and
further. His embrace was frantic, his
kisses fervent. I pulled away and
slipped his sweatshirt up his chest, my lips and tongue hungrily tasting him while
small whispers of love escaped my mouth.
I heard his moans. I thought they were from pleasure. As his hands gently pushed my shoulders
back, I met his eyes and realized instantly that they were mere whimpers of
remorse.
“No. Bailey.”
“But I need you. . . .”
My eyes filled with tears, so I closed them. “I want you to love me like. . .”
“I do, Bay, I really do,
but I’m not him. He’s the one you need.
He’s the one you want. His name is the
one you just whispered.” I flinched as
he pulled me against his chest and hugged my trembling frame tightly. “I love you too much as my friend to ignore
all that, and we both love Kevin too much to allow me to be a poor substitute
for him.”
I crumbled against him
in grief and repulsion over my selfish actions. “I’m so sorry, Alex.”
“Don’t be sorry,
Bailey. I will always be here for you
as Alex, but I can never be Kevin. You
need to let Kevin back in.”
“I can’t. . .“
“You can if you let me
help you.”
The world deserves more
men like Alex. That night, he forgave
me for my indiscretions. He held me and
soothed away a little of the pain. He
sang to me. He made me tea. He tried to make me laugh by reciting every
little dirty joke he could remember, and when that didn’t work, he relayed
every moment of their world tour. I
finally broke over the “dildo” comment.
And later still, he
implored me to go home with him to see Kevin.
I wasn’t nearly ready
then.
******************
“Shut up, AJ.” Kevin pulls his eyes from me and grins at
Alex. “Maybe if this slop was edible,
we could eat and get fat.” He picks up
a soggy noodle and shudders as it dangles from his fingers.
Alex and I both leap
from our chairs with horror-filled shrieks as Kevin flings the sauce-covered
noodle across the table. A devilish
grin adorns his beautiful face.
It lands on Alex’s chest
and I can’t help but explode with laughter.
I feel so dizzy. Nausea has me clasped in its pitiless hold
and I just want to lie down and never feel anything again.
I’m so torn and
lost…lost between two extremes - love and hate.
The last two hours with
Kevin and Alex had felt so damn good. I
actually laughed like I hadn’t a care in the world. I can barely remember the last time I had a good laugh like that,
the kind where your sides and tummy practically beg for mercy. It had felt so good. It had felt so right.
I felt real love once
again. I felt happy to be alive.
Now I’m sick to
death. Disgusted with my behavior. How could I let myself go forward like
that? How could I let myself forget for
a while? What kind of mother was
I? This is Jamie’s day, not Bailey’s
come back to life day! I have no right
to laugh or smile, joke around or tease.
I hate myself. I hate myself for wanting to live again.
Oh god. How could I let them make me forget
my pain? Why didn’t I send them
away hours ago? Why did they
have to care about me so much? Damn them!
The water is
cooling. I can’t stop the shivering,
but then again, I was shivering when I first climbed in here, seeking some sort
of solace from my unwarranted happiness.
I’ve been standing here
in the shower for a long time. I don’t
know how long now. My mind just keeps
spinning out of control, around and around and around. What’s right? What’s wrong? Can I let it all go? Can I ever really live again without feeling
so guilty? Do I really want to?
Being with Kevin again -
a happy Kevin - has caused such immense joy and a craving for life to shoot
right through my soul and fill all my lonely and sad emptiness.
The way his eyes had
sparkled with mischief as he and Alex eased into a full-fledged food fight….
The sound of his deep
laughter reverberating through our little house as he tried to dodge Alex’s
wild flings of saucy noodles …
The feel of his warm
hands tightly gripping my body as he saved me from falling flat on my ass when
I tried fleeing from their line of fire…
The smell of his cologne
as he hugged me close while Alex drenched my back with cold water from the
spray nozzle on the sink…
The taste of his lips
lightly grazing mine…not once, not twice, but at least a half dozen times
throughout the whole wonderful spectacle.
He has enflamed each and
every one of my senses, brought them back from their comatose state. Simple things they all were to anyone else,
but to me, they were everything. . . for such a short sweet time.
I want to live! I want to live with Kevin by my side. I want his love to engulf me like it used
to. I want to be held in his arms and feel
safe. I want to be overwhelmed with
love, happiness and desire derived merely from his glance or his touch, or just
his presence.
But how do I go on? How do I leave behind all the pain and
guilt? How do I just let go?
I can hear their hushed
voices. I ruined the festive mood
earlier. I couldn’t help it
though. For two short hours we all
forgot where we were or why we were in a log cabin nestled in the Kentucky
hills. We had allowed our minds and
hearts to bury deep inside what we had all lost. We were free, wild and happy, just like the old days.
And then I saw it, a red
sippy cup skittering across the kitchen floor. It fell from the small cupboard tucked neatly by the backdoor
when I lost my footing and slid against it.
The three of us froze in
our tracks and just stared at it as it rolled across the linoleum. Our playful moods vanished instantly. Visions of the precious little boy that once
drank from that cup filled my head and I cried out in grief.
It was Kevin that bent
down and picked up the cup that had come to rest near his foot. The look of pure devastation on his face
crushed my soul. Time stood still as he remained motionless, tears streaming
down his face. I ran from the room finally when he slowly sank to his knees,
cradling against his chest the small plastic reminder of his lost son. I abandoned him in his time of need once
again.
“Bailey?” It’s Alex.
I knew he’d come up eventually.
“I’ll be right
out.” My voice is hushed, subdued.
He opens his arms to me
as I exit the bathroom. “Come here,
babe. You’re shivering.”
I nod and welcome his
warm embrace. “Is Kevin okay?”
Alex releases me and
tilts my chin up so that our eyes meet.
“No, Bailey, he’s not okay. He
needs you. You need each other to get
through this. You need to let all the
guilt and pain just wash away.”
“How?” Does he realize that’s what I want now
too? I just don’t know how.
“Talk to him, Bay. Pour out your heart to him. Let him know what you’re feeling and
thinking. I guarantee he feels the same
things. He’s been no better than you
all these months, Bailey. Sending him
away did not make it all better.”
So he does know. Kevin did tell him.
“I didn’t mean anything
I said to him, Alex.” I grip his arm,
silently begging him to believe me.
“I know that, Bay. Go tell Kevin that. My god, he needs you so much, Bailey. He needs to know that you still love him,
that you don’t hate him for Jamie’s death.”
“Of course I don’t,
Alex! Never! Never did I blame Kevin or hate him. Never!”
“And he doesn’t blame
you! Both of you are losing out on so
much. You have so much to live
for. Only you two can heal each other. Just talk to him. Listen to him.”
“But. . . Jamie. . .
without him. . .“
He shakes his head and
grasps my shoulders firmly. “Jamie was
only a part of your love for each other, Bailey. It will always hurt when you think of him, but each day it will
hurt a little bit less. Stop drowning
in it all, Bailey. You can’t help Jamie
now, but you can help Kevin. Do you
want to help Kevin?”
Oh god, yes!
“Do you? Do you still love him?”
“Yes. . . “
“Good, then go
downstairs and hug your husband. I’m
beat and I’m going to bed.” He kisses
my temple quickly and pushes me towards the door. “And when I get up in the morning, I damn well better see both of
you snuggled together in your bed!”
And then he was gone…
leaving me here to make the next move.
He’s right. I know that. I can’t wallow in this guilt and self-pity
forever. I love Kevin and I want a life
with Kevin again.
Forgive me, Jamie.
I did go downstairs that
night, to hug Kevin. Took me a few
minutes to find him though. When I
joined him out on the back porch, he just held out his hand to me and pulled me
close as our fingers entwined. I
wrapped my arms around his hard cold body and held on for dear life.
As we stood silently
under the murky dark sky, the harsh winter winds sang their melancholy song for
us. It was actually rather
soothing. Being wrapped up in Kevin’s
strong embrace, listening to not only the wind, but also his steady and very
real heartbeat. It wasn’t just my
imagination craving his presence any longer; it was the real man; holding me,
loving me and wanting me once again.
We couldn’t see the lake
through the heavy darkness that surrounded us, but we gazed intently upon it
anyways. It would now never be the
joyful and peaceful place that we had once expected it to be.
There would be no lazy
summer days drifting aimlessly in a small rowboat on the crystal clear
water.
No sweet little shouts
of glee from an enraptured child experiencing the catch of his first fish.
No swimming lessons and
floaties.
No grassy shore picnics
with peanut butter sandwiches, cool-aid, apples or ants.
No love for the cruel
lake that swallowed our son.
With a shudder that
coursed through my soul so violently that it shook both of our bodies, I had
whispered, “Take me home, Kevin.”
He picked me up in arms,
hugged me fiercely and took me back inside.
We built a roaring blaze in the fireplace, curled up together on the
couch and talked for hours. When the
sun rose, we walked hand in hand to our bedroom and consummated once again the
love we had lost for so long.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It’s been six weeks now
since Kevin and Alex came for me. We
didn’t actually go home, but flew to Toronto so they could resume the first leg
of their tour. I was so scared to step
back out into the real world. For a
solid year, I had closeted myself away in a little house by a black lake; drowning
in pain and guilt; turning away all those I had loved and were loved by;
wanting to die, yet also inwardly wanting a life again.
I’m glad I didn’t die
now.
Kevin has been so
wonderful. The soft-spoken, loving,
gentle man I had fallen in love with in a laundry-mart all those years ago is
once again by my side; loving me, protecting me, making me happy.
I am eternally grateful
to Alex for being our voice of reason, for not giving up on me, for caring and
loving us both as much as he does. I
don’t know how that night, the anniversary of Jamie’s death, would have turned
out if he hadn’t made Kevin come see me.
Even though I had promised Alex a few months prior that I would not try
to take my own life, I really don’t know if I could have survived that night
without them.
Today Jamie comes
home.
Kevin donated the
mountain house to an underprivileged family with four children. I cringe when I think of all those precious
babies so close to the lake, but I force myself to only think of the joy on
their excited little faces as they scamper happily around the backyard, perhaps
looking for furry little bunnies.
Kevin is at the airport,
awaiting the arrival of our son. He had
purchased a burial plot in a nearby cemetery last spring, hoping that one day
we would all come home again.
Now we are, in our own
way.
A memorial service is
planned for two o’clock and Alex is coming for me in a few moments. I’m ready.
It’s time to say good-bye properly.
It’s time to bury all the agony, despair, loneliness and guilt.
It’s time to live
again. And I want to live. I want to live forever with Kevin. And he wants me. He loves me. He forgives
my self-regrets, as I do his, and we forgive ourselves.
Every day will get
better, as long as we hold onto this love that we share. And this love is like nothing I have ever
known. I plan on never letting go.
The End
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