Jumper
Jill
stopped at the red light and frowned. She could turn right and drive side
streets another 10 miles to get to the 5 freeway, or she could turn left and
hit the 163 freeway in just a couple blocks. Seems easy enough. Only… turning
left would mean that she would have to drive over the bridge. She sighed and
waited through the green light, she needed more time to think.
It
was just after three in the morning, and the streets were silent as she sat through
another green light. Jill hadn’t been anywhere near the bridge at Laurel Street
in more than two years, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to go back. She had come
within inches of jumping from the ledge of the bridge, and it was only by the
grace of God that Officer Kent had talked her down. He saved her life, and she
had never forgotten that. Jill sighed, and decided to confront her fears. She
could drive across that mean old bridge. It couldn’t hurt her.
She
took a sip of her café latte and inched into the intersection a second before
the light turned green for the third time. She turned left and headed straight
for the bridge.
Jill
watched the lights on the railing twinkle in the damp midnight air as she moved
closer and closer to the bridge itself. She could feel her pulse quicken and
her palms begin to sweat as her front tires made the familiar thump-thump over
the metal grates as she entered the bridge.
"I
will not look down. I will not look down." She whispered to herself,
keeping her eyes focused on the road ahead of her. She clutched the steering
wheel as if it were the only thing keeping her from plummeting 137 feet to her
death. She’d considered it before, but right now it didn’t sound like a great
idea.
She
had made it halfway across the bridge, but she felt like she was moving in slow
motion. Jill took a deep breath and eased her grip on the steering wheel just
before a movement caught her eye off to the left. She unwillingly turned her
head quickly, just in time to see a guy in a dark jacket throw his legs over
the side of ledge and sit on the end.
Jill’s
heart stopped, this couldn’t be happening. She sped up, making it to the other
side of the bridge in a little more than 2 seconds. She pulled to the side of
the road and stopped the car quickly.
Jill
grabbed her jacket from the seat beside her and jumped out of the car, leaving
the keys in the ignition and the front door unlocked. Getting her car stolen
was the least of her worries at that moment. Officer Kent was there for her
when she needed it, and this guy needed it now.
She
took off in a sprint and headed back for the bridge. She stopped in her tracks
just before her foot touched the cold stone surface of the bridge. This was it.
She was stepping back onto the bridge to go to the ledge again. Something she
never ever thought she’d be doing again. She closed her eyes and stepped, it
was too late to go back now.
She
didn’t want to startle the young man sitting on the ledge, so she walked at a
normal pace towards where he was sitting. She was twenty feet away when she saw
him shake his head and push himself from the ledge.
"No!"
She shouted as he disappeared from view. Please
hit the ledge, please hit the ledge, please hit the ledge. She desperately
thought to herself. She’d spent more then an hour on the 2 and a half foot wide
ledge 4 feet down from the bridge railing.
"Hello?"
She shouted over the side as she leaned over the side. Her dirty blonde hair
fell over her face as she caught site of the young man sitting on the tiny
ledge, staring at the freeway beneath him.
"Go
away." He growled up at her, not taking his eyes from the lines drawn on
concrete more than a 100 feet below.
"My
name is Jill. Are you okay?" She asked cautiously.
"Go
away." He repeated.
"Can
I join you?" Jill leaned a little closer.
"No."
He grumbled.
"Then
I’ll just sit up here." She said as she threw her feet over the side of
the railing and sat with her feet dangling by his head. She didn’t want to look
down, but could not avoid it. Her eyes drifted shut as her stomach creeped up
into her throat. She felt lightheaded as she licked her lips and thought to
herself – You can help him. Be there for
him. Officer Kent went on the ledge for you. You’ve been here.
"If
you come down here I’ll jump." He threatened.
"If
I stay up here will you not?" She asked, hoping he’d say yes, knowing he
wouldn’t.
"I’m
going to jump."
"Well
if you’re going to do it either way, then I’d rather come down and at least try to help."
"Don’t
come down here." He said with a little less conviction.
"You
know… I’ve been right where you are before. Literally." Jill looked around
slowly, "Actually, I was up that way, closer to the southbound
traffic."
"Yeah
right."
"September
9th two years ago. It was earlier though, I had the traffic down
there to contend with." Jill nodded at the empty freeway.
"This
is none of your business." The man said as he turned his deep… and
instantly recognizable eyes on her. Her face flickered with recognition and he
frowned, looking back at the concrete. "Great. You know who I am don’t
you?" He asked angrily.
Not
wanting to upset him more, Jill shook her head slowly, "N-no. Should
I?" She stuttered. What on Earth was he
doing out on this ledge at three in the morning? The guy from Nsync? That put a
whole new twist on Jill’s mission. She felt her confidence drop to her toes.
"No."
He said quickly. "I’m no one."
"Well
do you have a name?" She asked, softly. "So I can know who I’m
talking to here?"
"No."
He shook his head and swung his feet back and forth.
"Okay.
Then I’ll call you Bob." Jill smiled nervously. "So… how are you
doing tonight Bob?"
"Don’t
call me that." He said softly.
"What
would you like me to call you?"
"I’d
like you to leave me alone." He grumbled.
"I’m
sorry, I can’t do that." Jill shook her head and took a deep breath.
"Like I said, I was out here on this ledge too, and a police man came and
sat on the ledge with me. Officer Kent. He helped me out a lot." Jill
paused and watched him shift uneasily on the ledge. "It’s… it’s not as bad
as you think it is."
"How
would you know?"
"What
could be worse than dying?"
"Plenty."
He said softly.
"Wanna
talk?" Jill asked a second later, she was getting nervous sitting on the
ledge.
"No."
He shook his head as he began to cry.
"Why
don’t you come on back up here? I’ll buy you a coffee and we can talk."
"I
don’t drink coffee."
"What?"
Jill asked. She wasn’t sure she heard him right.
"I
don’t drink coffee." He said a little louder.
"How
about soda? Whiskey? Water? Milk? Whatever you want to drink, I’ll buy it for
you, just come on up here." He didn’t respond and she dreaded her next
sentence. "I’ll come on down there if you want, so we don’t have to
shout." She waited for him to say no again. To give her a good enough
reason to stay on the security of the railing. He didn’t utter a sound so she
carefully lowered herself over the side and onto the little ledge. And it was little. It was a lot smaller than
she remembered. She shook slightly as she scooted as far back as she could, so
that her back was pressed against the side of the bridge.
"Why
do you care what I do?" He asked softly.
"Because
you need someone to care. And tonight
it’s gonna be me." She winced as she realized she’d used a title from one
of his songs.
He
cringed at the same moment and said, "You should just let me jump."
"I’m
not stopping you." She said softly. "If that’s what you really want
to do, then there is nothing I can say that will change that." She shook
her head and tried not to look down. "I just don’t think that’s what you
want to do."
"Yes
it is." He insisted.
"Well…
at least I can try to help then. So I’ll feel better."
"And
this is all about you feeling better now isn’t it?"
"That’s
not what I meant." She closed her eyes and leaned her head back against
the stone. "If I left you alone out here on the ledge, I wouldn’t be able
to live with myself. Not now that I’ve committed myself and got my dumb ass
back out here." She could not make herself open her eyes.
"Were
you really out here?"
"Yep."
Jill nodded.
"Why?"
"I
wanted to jump." She opened her eyes a fraction of an inch and looked at
him.
"Well
yeah…"
"I
was having a real bad week." She smiled slightly and shivered. It was
colder out here than she’d expected. "I um, I was fired from my job and
kicked out of my apartment on the same day. I was coming down off of a heroin
high and generally feeling pretty sorry for myself. I was walking to my
friend’s house to see if I could crash there when I got here, to the bridge I
mean. So I stopped and sat on the rail for a while, then finally I hopped down
here to the ledge, swearing I was going to do it. A police officer saw me from
down there, and came up to sit with me. He saved my life when I didn’t even
think I had a life to save."
"What
did he say that changed your mind?"
"That
he cared about me, and that he wasn’t going to let go of me. He held onto my
shirt sleeve the whole time."
"Yeah?"
He asked, looking over at Jill slowly.
"Yeah."
She smiled and reached out to grab the pocket of his jacket. "So I care
about you. And I’m not going to let go of you."
"That
doesn’t always work." He looked away and wiped his eyes.
"I
know." She nodded. "But it can’t hurt." He didn’t say anything
for a minute; he just sniffed and wiped his eyes a couple times.
Ten
minutes later he turned to Jill and said, "I have people that care about
me you know."
"Okay."
She nodded. "That’s good, there’s a start. What do you think they would
say to you right now?"
"I
don’t know." He shook his head.
"Can
I venture a guess?"
"You
don’t even know them." He said.
Jill
shrugged and said, "I bet they’d say the same thing I would. Don’t do
this. Whatever it is that has drawn you here and put these thoughts in your
head, they can be worked out."
"It’s
nothing that needs to be worked out. I’ve changed too much and I can’t get back
to what I used to be. To how I used
to be."
"You
don’t like where you are now?" Jill asked, careful to keep in mind that
she wasn’t supposed to know who he was.
"No."
He shook his head slowly. "I’ve got everything I ever hoped for and it’s
not enough anymore."
"What
do you want now?"
"I
want to go home." He whispered as his bottom lip quivered.
"Where
is home?" As if she had to ask.
"Florida."
He said softly.
"I
can help you get home." Jill nodded and adjusted her grip on his pocket.
"It’s
not that easy." He shook his head.
"No,
I’m sure it’s not." She agreed. "But if that will get you off this
ledge, I’d be willing to get you there any way I could."
"My
going home won’t change anything. I am who I am now. I can’t change that."
"Yes
you can."
"No…
I can’t. Not without giving up everything."
"Maybe
it’s worth giving up."
"I’d
let everyone down if I gave it up." He shook his head slowly. "I’ve
disappointed them enough."
"You’d
be surprised. People are harder to disappoint than you think." Jill
smiled. "But if that’s what you’re worried about, I’ll be very
disappointed if you jump."
He
gave a short laugh before wiping his nose on the sleeve of his jacket,
"That won’t work. I don’t know you, and I don’t care if I disappoint
you." He said, though not in a mean way.
"Well…
I care about you, and I don’t want to see you go." Jill said with an
almost maternal tone to her voice.
"I
don’t fit in anywhere." He said a moment later.
"What
about your friends?"
"No.
They’re different."
"Everyone
is different."
"They
all fit with each other. I mean, when people look at us together, I’m the one
that doesn’t fit." He frowned. Jill thought of the others in the group and
wondered what he meant. They all fit
well together, and she couldn’t think of him being an outcast, or different.
"You
fit in there somewhere. You complete your circle of friends. You’re what they
are missing." She said gently, her heart broke as he spilled his.
"No
one knows how much I hurt." He said after a few silent minutes. He tried
to hold back his tears, but he was not succeeding. "I mean, I know I come
across to everyone as this guy who has it all, the beautiful girlfriend, the
cool car, the… the awesome job." He paused and wiped his nose again.
"But I’ve worked hard for everything I own, and I’ve made more sacrifices
then anyone could even imagine."
"But
that’s what life is about, making sacrifices."
"Yeah,
I know that. But I sacrificed things that I can never get back. My morals, my
standards, my beliefs… my family." He coughed lightly and said, "No
one can understand how badly that hurts. I’d give up all of those material
things to have that back."
She
moved her hand from his pocket to his hand, and held on tight. She wasn’t sure
if that was such a wise move, because if he jumped he’d end up taking her with
him. He grabbed onto her hand tightly and cast her a quick smile. "Under
different circumstances, this could be a nice evening." He said softly,
looking down at their hands.
"It
still can be."
"No."
He shook his head.
"You
don’t want to jump." Jill said as her heart sped up. If he went over now,
she was stuck.
"Yes
I do." He whispered as he began to cry. He hid his face in the folds of
his jacket, but didn’t let go of her hand.
She
let him sit there and cry for a couple minutes… he had his pride. She shifted
her weight from one butt cheek to the other, trying to keep her legs from
falling asleep. It seemed to be getting colder as the breeze picked up and
tossed her hair across her face.
She
brushed her bangs off her forehead and looked out over the freeway and part of
the park. It actually wasn’t so bad up here, as long as you didn’t look down.
She swung her feet back and forth to keep the blood moving and to give herself
something to concentrate on.
Under different circumstances this could be a nice
evening. Yeah it could. I am under the stars holding hands with one of the
babes from a world famous boyband. How many girls in America would die to be in
my place? Die. Bad choice of words.
Jill thought to herself as he brow curled into a frown.
Jill
tried to organize her thoughts; she thought back and tried to remember what
Officer Kent had told her. What was it he said that made a difference?
"Hey…"
Jill said suddenly. "I’ll give you a dollar if you don’t jump." She
smiled, hoping to elicit the reaction she was hoping for.
He
laughed shortly and smiled at her, "You’ll try anything won’t you?"
"Anything
and everything." Jill said as she shivered slightly and put her free hand
under her opposite arm to try to keep warm
"I’m
just sorry you’re wasting your time."
"I
don’t think I am. You haven’t jumped yet." She said. "I’m hoping that
the longer you wait, the more you’ll think about why you shouldn’t."
"I’m
only thinking of why I should."
"Then
do me a favor."
"No."
He shook his head.
"Just
tell me one thing that makes you happy." Jill said quickly, as her teeth
began to chatter involuntarily.
"You
should go back up there. You’re freezing."
"A
small price to pay." Jill said, looking his square in the eye. "What
makes you happy."
"Nothing."
He broke the gaze and stared down at the first car they’d seen that night. They
sat in silence for a few minutes before he turned to Jill and asked, "Are
you happy?"
Jill thought for a second and checked her watch; it was after 4 in the
morning. They’d been out on this ledge for more than an hour and the Monday
morning commuters would be hitting the freeway soon. "I don’t know."
She shook her head.
"You
don’t know if you’re happy?"
"Well,
I’m not unhappy. So I guess that’s
better than nothing."
"You
think?"
"I’d
rather be ambivalent, than unhappy." Jill explained. "What about
you?"
"I
should be happy."
"But
you’re not?" She asked.
He
shook his head, "Would I be here if I was?"
"True."
She nodded. "Are you ever happy?"
"Sure."
He looked her in the eye and gave her a little half smile.
"When?"
"When
I’m shooting hoops. Or when I see a beautiful girl smile." Jill grinned
like the Cheshire cat, showing all her teeth. He chuckled lightly and said,
"Or seeing my family."
"If
you jump, you can’t do those things again."
"I
know." He nodded.
"Are
those things worth all the crap that brought you here?" She asked. He
didn’t answer for a minute. "You say your family makes you happy, but just
think about what this will do to them. When they get that call that wakes them up
this morning, saying that their son, their sweet, kind, caring, beautiful baby
boy, took a swan dive off of a bridge." Jill added softly. "That kind
of pain does not go away."
"You
were going to do it."
"Right,
and I didn’t have any family members dreading that call. I didn’t have any
friends that would be concerned enough to come look for me when I didn’t show
up for a few days. I had nothing, I had less
that nothing." Tears rose in Jill’s eyes. "Which is why I can’t
understand why you’d even ponder this. I mean, you may not like who you are,
but you can always change that. You’ve got your whole life to become who you
want." She wiped her eyes quickly as he blonde hair skitted across her
cheek. She brushed it away and continued, "You can make that change you
know. To be happy. If you just stop taking life for granted. I mean, no matter
how hard it gets, no matter what kind of shit life deals you, at least your
alive."
"I
don’t want to be." He argued as he wiped the tears from his eyes.
"Yes
you do. You’re still here. If you were serious about this, you’d have jumped
before I even got here. You wanted someone to find you, to talk you down."
"No
I didn’t."
Jill took a deep breath
and released his hand. She closed her eyes and before she could change her mind
she said, "Then do it."
"What?"
He asked, shocked at her proposal.
"But
before you do, know that if nothing else, I care about you and I don’t want you
to jump. You have a friend in me, a guardian angel. You can do what you please,
but I will always be here for you, no matter what."
He
stared at her in silence for a couple minutes before reaching for her hand.
Jill’s survival mode went into full force then, and she tried to pull away. The
only thought flashing through her head was him taking her hand to pull her down
with him. She struggled to free her hand, very conscious of the sharp edge of
the ledge digging into the back of her thigh.
"Please
don’t let me go." He pleaded softly, looking up at her with a tear stained
face. "I don’t want to do it." He whispered as he leaned onto her
shoulder.
Jill breathed a heavy
sigh of relief and carefully wrapped her arm around him as his warm tears fell
on her neck. She shivered again as the wind kicked up, blowing his hair into
her eyes. She quickly brushed it away, then left her hand on top of his head,
cradling him like a child. "It’s okay." She said softly.
"I’m
sorry." He choked.
"It’s
okay." She nodded and continued to stroke his hair. "It’s going to be
okay." She could barely hold her tears of relief back.
"Thank
you." He whispered as he clung to the front of her shirt.
"You’re
welcome." She said softly. "You’re welcome." They sat that way
for a little while, until the cars beneath them began honking. A sure sign that
the police were on the way. "Let’s go on up, if the police show up…"
“Yeah."
He nodded, he understood. He sat back and wiped his face, "You saved my
life."
"No…"
Jill shook her head; "I helped you save your own." She smiled, using
the same line Officer Kent had used when he pulled her off the ledge. He
scooted closer to her as they tried to wake their legs up. It was hard sitting
on the cold stone for an hour, and they had pins and needles shooting up their
legs.
Jill
smiled as the sun began to turn the sky pink. She’d done it! She scooted
sideways and used her arms to try to pull her up to the railing. She held on
tight as she went to swing her leg up and over the railing.
She
didn’t hold tight enough. Her hand slipped as she lost her balance and fell
backwards, her arms flailing, desperately trying to grab hold of something. A
mask of fear fell over her face as she realized what was about to happen.
"Justin!" She shouted just before she lost her footing.
He
watched in horror as Jill began her descent to the pavement below. She fell in
slow motion; her hair flew madly around her face as her mouth froze in a silent
scream. Her body contorted as she helplessly grabbed onto thin air.
Justin’s
heart stopped in his chest as he closed his eyes… and dove after her.
Copyright © 2000 Amy
Lynn
The End
"Jumper"
By: Third Eye Blind
I
wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies,
that you've been living in,
and if you do not want to see me again,
I would understand.
I would understand,
The angry boy,
a bit too insane,
Icing over a secret pain,
You know you don't belong,
You're the first to fight,
You're way too loud,
You're The flash of light,
On a burial shroud,
I know something's wrong,
Well everyone I know has got a reason,
To say, put the past away,
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the ties,
That you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again,
I would understand,
I would understand.
Well he's on the table,
And he's gone to code,
And I do not think anyone knows,
What they are doing here,
And your friends have left,
You've been dismissed,
I never thought it would come to this,
And I, I want you to know,
Everyone's got to face down the demons,
Maybe today,
We can put the past away,
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again,
I would understand,
I would understand,
I would understand . . .
Can you put the past away,
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
I would understand...
Please let AmyK know what you thought of this story!