And It Started Again

By: Lara

“Just one for dinner tonight, Mr. Carter?” The maitre’d at the front stand asked me.

“Yes, just me,” I answered, and he smiled his plastered-on smile.

“This way.” I followed him to a small table in the back. It was situated in the shadows, and I thanked him, slipping a twenty into his hand. I frequented this restaurant about twice a week and he was happy to oblige…happy to accept the money I slid into his hand.

I sat down, tossing my linen napkin onto my lap. I didn’t need a menu; I usually got the special anyway. The wine steward started over and I waved him away before he walked two steps. He was obviously new; everyone in the place knew I wasn’t the wine type. I was, however, the type who enjoyed good food and had no clue how to cook it. Cooking was never my hobby. The waiter hurried over and rattled off the specials. I ordered the chicken special, whatever it was. I never understood all the gourmet lingo, though I always enjoyed what they set down in front of me.

I was three sips into my mixed drink when I saw her. You know that old saying about seeing someone across the crowded room? Well, that’s what happened. I looked up over my glass and there she was, laughing with a man and another at a table for four by the windows. I stared. I couldn’t help it. It had been over a year since it had ended, and the sight of her still turned my heart inside out. My mouth was suddenly dry. I downed my glass of water in four gulps and a busboy was quick to fill it. She looked beautiful. Life wasn’t fair. The dim lights of the gaslamps on the walls danced off her dark hair, and the blue sparkle of her blouse seemed to bring out her eyes. Of course, I couldn’t see her eyes from where I sat, but I just knew. I knew those eyes as well as I knew my own. She tossed her hair over her shoulder with her hand and I saw no ring sparkling. I smiled in satisfaction. Even if she was no longer with me, it was nice to know she didn’t “belong” to anyone else…not that Lara could ever really belong to anyone.

She turned her head towards the other woman at her table and looked in my general direction. Our eyes met and she froze. A smile brightened her face but I couldn’t see if it was genuine. Not at this distance. I made no move other than to raise my glass in her direction. I let a small smile cross my face…the smile she had christened “the Carter smirk.” I saw her excuse herself and she sauntered over to my table. Saunter is the only word I could use…her walk was casual but calculated. I stood as she approached.

“Nick? Is it really you?” Lara’s eyes sparkled as she smiled.

“Yes, it’s me. Hello, Lara.” I kissed the cheek she offered, inhaling the scent of her perfume. She still wore it. It was a scent burned on my brain. “How have you been?”

“Wonderful. What are you doing in the city?”

“I have a small apartment here. Every now and then Florida drives me crazy and I need to get away for a few days.” She didn’t need to know that the apartment was a stone’s throw from her own townhouse.

“I’m surprised we haven’t run into each other before.” I motioned to the other chair and she sat. “How are the other guys?”

“Good. Brian and Leigh Anne are expecting, and Kevin and Lisa just bought another hundred acres to add on to their ranch. Howie and Kelley are doing well…living in California now…and AJ, well, he’s AJ.”

Lara laughed, a sound that fell like symphonic waves onto my ears. “I can only imagine.” She looked at me, her blue eyes intense. “How long are you in the city for this time?”

“Until Sunday,” I said. I ordered myself not to push things. I wanted to sit and talk to her for hours…find out where everything went wrong…but I made myself stay in control of the situation. I sat back a bit as my food was served.

“What’s your number? I’ll call you tomorrow and maybe we could have dinner in a few days,” she said, standing. I stood as well and rattled off the number. She quickly memorized it, and as always I was amazed by her intelligence. “Until tomorrow then.” She turned up her cheek once more and I kissed it, though this time she pulled me into a quick embrace. “It’s great to see you, Nick.”

“You, too,” I told her. She smiled and returned to her table. The man seated beside her seemed angry and I smiled. I was proud of myself. I had handled the situation well, and SHE had mentioned getting together, not me. I dug into my dinner with enthusiasm.

She wasn’t due until seven, but by six-fifteen I was already fussing around the apartment, moving things from point A to point B, and checking my watch about a thousand times a minute. I was so nervous I could hardly stand it. It had been only a year, but it felt like an eternity since we had been alone together.

I finally forced myself to go into the bedroom and get ready. I had put that off until the last possible minute so I’d have something to occupy myself with. I studied my closet with a critical eye. Most of my clothing was back in Florida but I did have the basics here. I wanted to look good…wanted her to realize all that she was letting go when she let ME go. I decided on black dress pants and a dark blue button-up silk shirt. Lara loved blue; might as well use what I knew. I went into the bathroom and ran some gel through my hair until it had that “just been fucked” look she loved so much. I stared at myself in the mirror, wondering what in the world I was doing. I finally had started to get over the broken heart she had given me, yet the mere idea of her gracing my apartment with her presence was enough to give me goosebumps. I was twenty-one years old, I had been around, and you would think I’d have learned my lesson by now. But there was something in her eyes…something I had seen…maybe we could try one more time. Maybe she had learned her lesson. Maybe…

The doorbell jolted me out of my reverie. I slipped on a pair of black dress shoes and took a deep breath before going to the door. I opened it, trying not to look too eager. I knew that I was failing when I took one look at her. Her long dark hair was up in a loose ponytail, and her purple blouse only made her blue eyes bluer. A short dark skirt made her legs look endless, and her only jewelry was a wristwatch and the amethyst earrings I had bought her for her birthday. “Hello, Nick,” she said with a smile.

“Hello.” I moved aside to let her in and she brushed my cheek with her lips.

“You look good,” she told me, inhaling deeply. “Mmmm…still wearing Drakkar. I always WAS a sucker for a man wearing Drakkar.”

“Yes, I remember that now,” I said calmly. Duh. It was the only reason I had ran to the store and bought a bottle that morning. I closed the door and followed her into the large apartment.

“Wow, Nick, this place is perfect for you.” She wandered over to the large windows in the living room. “Of course. Perfect view of the river. You need to be near water no matter what.”

“No matter what,” I repeated. “Can I get you a drink? I bought wine. I figured we’d have it for dinner but there’s no harm in having a glass now.”

She turned around, smiling at me. “Dinner? You cooked?”

“Well, not exactly,” I hedged. She knew me too well. “I ordered in from Visaggio’s.”

“Oh, wonderful!” Lara clapped her hands together. “I live so close, and I NEVER go there anymore. Yes, a glass of wine would be nice.”

I smiled with satisfaction as I went into the kitchen. Visaggio’s had been our special place, and now she never went there. Interesting. Lara called to me, asking if I minded if she snooped around a bit. “Of course not,” I told her, mentally checking my bedroom to see if there were boxer shorts or anything laying around on the floor.

After I had the wine poured I found her in the bedroom, studying the painting above my bed. It was a landscape of the coast near my home in Tampa. “Where did you get this?”

I handed her a glass of wine. “Up here.” I tapped my head. She gaped at me.

“You painted this?” Lara studied the painting more intently. “This is really good. I’m proud of you, Nick.”

“Well, I’ve had a lot of free time while we’re off tour,” I said pointedly, and she had the grace to blush. “Let’s go sit in the living room.”

“This is a great place,” she commented as we returned to the larger room. “Lots of space…lots of open space. Very you.”

“I try,” I said lightly and she giggled. “Being me, you know, it’s never easy.” She giggled again and I couldn’t help but smile back.

“You’re doing that on purpose,” she said as she pushed back her plate.

“Doing what?”

“Smiling that smile. The Smirk. No fair.” Lara leaned her chin on her fingers. “You know what that does to me.”

“I have no clue what you’re talking about,” I said, standing to clear the dishes. She rolled her eyes.

“Whatever. What were you thinking of?”

I decided to be honest. “Just about this. How nice it is…how it seems like not a day has passed. We have been sitting here for two hours talking like we always did.”

“You’re right,” Lara said, looking at me speculatively. “And I’m enjoying it…like I always did.”

“Me too,” I said softly. I turned towards the kitchen, fighting the urge to jump over the table and sweep her into my arms.

“The night is nice…how about a walk?” I suggested after the dishes were cleared away. Lara nodded.

“Good idea. I ate so much that I feel like a cow.”

“Hardly,” I said, glancing at her slender frame as I grabbed my keys from the hall table. We caught the elevator and made our way out onto the sidewalk. It was still relatively early, and many people were taking advantage of the beautiful weather. “The park?”

Lara shrugged and nodded. I gently guided her across the street with my hand on her elbow, and we entered the park. “When does the next CD come out?”

“I’m not sure…I’m not sure there will be another CD,” I confided. Lara stopped walking, her mouth falling open.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes. I don’t know that we can come up with something else. Brian wants to take some time off for Leigh, AJ is itching to go solo…it would just work out better for everyone.” I flopped down onto a park bench and she quickly sat beside me.

“God, Nick…” Lara put a hand on my knee, her eyes sympathetic. “I’m sorry. I know how much you love performing.”

“Oh, well…we should go out while we’re on top, ya know?” I lost myself in her blue eyes. They were so kind, so caring…it was as if time had stopped and we were back where we used to be…before.

“What will you do?”

“Dunno…travel as a tourist for once, maybe produce or manage. I know enough about the business for ten lifetimes, and maybe I could help someone else out.”

“You’d be good at it, no matter what,” she said loyally. She shivered slightly and I pretended not to notice. I nonchalantly placed my arm on the back of the bench, not even touching her, but she took the hint and snuggled herself against my body. I inhaled her shampoo and sighed.

This is what I had missed…this feeling of togetherness, of two people becoming one. I could ignore everything…ignore the fights, ignore the lies, ignore the cheating…as long as we had this.

“Will you stay up here or go back to Florida, if the group breaks up?” Lara asked, snapping me out of my dream world.

“I’m not sure. I like the coast, you know that, but maybe I will keep this place up here. Maybe we could get together now and again,” I said before I thought.

“Maybe,” she said uncertainly. “Can we go back again?”

“Sure,” I said, mentally kicking myself. She slipped her hand into mine and swung our hands between our bodies.

“So…seeing anyone?” Lara asked. I shook my head.

“Not quite ready…your cute shoes are hard to fill,” I said with a smile I didn’t feel.

“They ARE cute, aren’t they?” Lara giggled, showing off her black heels.

“How about you?” I pushed the up button on the elevator.

“Here and there…casual dates…nothing serious.” As the doors opened and we walked in, she turned the full effect of her blue eyes on me. “You’re not an easy act to follow yourself.” I said nothing, but inwardly I was doing cartwheels. I unlocked the door and excused myself to use the bathroom. When I came out, candles were lit in the living room and the stereo was tuned to a local jazz station. “Are you trying to seduce me, Lara?” I asked, trying to keep my tone light.

She smiled but didn’t answer my question. I noticed that her shoes and stockings were off, piled in a corner of the living room floor. Lara held out a hand. “Dance with me, Nicky.”

When she said my name like that I could deny her nothing. I walked over to her and she immediately wrapped herself in my arms, pressing her head to my chest. I sighed and tried not to let my feelings show as I allowed her to possess the moment. I closed my eyes and remembered another time, a better time, when I had nothing to doubt, nothing to worry about. I was enough for her then, and she didn’t need to look anywhere else. I ached to ask. Ached to ask why she felt the need to go to someone…why she felt the need to supplement the love I so eagerly gave her. Eight months into our relationship she was looking for someone else. There was always a story, always a lie, but I knew.

I looked down at her and she was watching me. Her blue eyes sparkled in the light of the candles, and I knew my eyes were doing the same. Her slender fingers trailed up and down over my silk shirt, and I couldn’t help but shiver. Any time she touched me it had always affected me, and now it was no different. “Nicky,” she whispered again, her fingers reaching up to play in my hair. I swallowed a moan and could not tear my gaze from hers.

Nothing had changed. It was all still there. The tenderness, the lust, the yearning, it was all reflected from my eyes to hers. I tightened my grip on her waist, never wanting to let her go. This, this woman, this was who I had fallen in love with. This was who I had allowed to infiltrate my heart. I thought I had gotten rid of her but she was always there…this angel…this saint in my arms, brought back into my life to make me whole again.

I couldn’t stop my hands. They had minds of their own. They moved up to cup her soft face, and we both stopped dancing. TIME seemed to stop. I swallowed deeply, and I saw her lick her red lips nervously. “Lara,” I whispered. “Oh…God…” I fought to keep from kissing her. “Stay…stay here tonight. Please.”

She stiffened and I cursed myself. A veil fell over the emotion that I thought I had seen in her eyes. “I’d like to, Nick, really…but I can’t.” She flipped on the light switch, leaving me standing in the middle of the floor. She sat on my sofa and put on her shoes. “I have to go, actually. A friend from out of town is flying in on the late flight tonight from the coast and I have to pick them up.” I noticed she didn’t say if it was a he or a she, if the person truly existed at all. She stood and smiled at me. “I’m really sorry. I feel so bad…I was having such a nice time.”

“Me too,” I said with a shrug. Oh well…Nick Carter can handle anything…you walked all over my heart with golf cleats but I can walk you to the door, gallant as ever. “I’m glad you came over,” I said politely.

“Oh, so am I!” Lara exclaimed, reaching up to give me a hug. The tone of her voice was far from sincere, and when I looked down into the blue eyes, whatever glimmer I had seen was gone. The dullness…the reflection that I was dull to her, that was bright as ever. Our lips met quickly, a perfunctory kiss that sealed the end of the evening. “If you decide to move up here, please call me. I’m in the book.”

“Of course,” I promised, though we both knew there would be no call. And if there were, she wouldn’t call back.

“Take care, Nick,” she said softly, and my heart rose. “You deserve the best.”

“Thanks,” I said wryly, my heart crashing to the ground. “You’ll be late for the airport.”

“Oh…yeah…right…” she said quickly. She kissed my cheek once more. “Goodbye, Nick.”

“Bye, Lara.” I watched her walk to the elevator, and when the doors slid open I closed mine.

I sat on the balcony for hours, nursing a six-pack of beer. The wine had been for her benefit…I was a beer man. I held the green bottle up and looked at the night through its emerald haze. It didn’t make things any clearer. I couldn’t believe that I had opened myself up to her…had offered my Scotch-taped heart out for her to tear to shreds once more. I laughed at myself. I was crazy, thinking she’d want me back. She had been quick to drop me when she had the chance, why in the world would she come crawling back just because of a chance meeting in a restaurant. And asking her to stay? How stupid. A night in the sack, no matter how incredible, was only temporary medicine. Any affection on her part was in my mind.

I had heard all the things I wanted…no…needed to hear, had seen everything I wanted to see. The angel I had held in my arms was still the devil who had hurt me so badly…and the last traces of her halo were finally gone. She was no saint, no savior, no remedy for my broken heart.

“Evil personified and she doesn’t even realize it,” I said out loud. I sighed and finished the bottle, quickly opening the other. I toasted the night, the loud silence of the city below. A plane flew overhead and I toasted that as well. Was her friend on it? I had seen this evening as the start of something big. “Only the start of the end,” I said morosely, and liked the way it sounded on my tongue. I took another swig of beer and leaned my head back, closing my eyes and enjoying the evening breeze.

The End

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