Where Are You Now

By: Ari

Calling out your name / Your face is everywhere / I'm reaching out to you / To find you're not there

She bolted up from the bed, gulping for air that she knew was there, it just didn't seem like it. She wiped at her brow with a shaking hand, wincing at the contact. How many nights had she woken up like this? It couldn't keep happening, she knew that for sure. She sat in the darkness, lost in her inner thoughts. She pulled her knees up to her chest, her cool forehead pressing against her kneecaps. Over a year and she was still having nightmares. She couldn't escape from him, no matter where she turned, he was there. Even in her dreams, he was there. Like she could forget him even if she tried. He had left her a piece of himself that could never be denied, which was thankfully sleeping soundly in the room beside her. Not that he knew that of course.

I wake up every night / To see the state I'm in / It's like an endless fight / I never seem to win / I can't go on as long as I believe / Can't let go when I keep wondering

He stumbled from his bedroom into the bathroom, grasping the sides of the sink with weak hands, glaring wearily at his pale reflection. He still couldn't get a full nights sleep no matter how hard he tried. It had been over a year since she left, and he still would wake up and reach for her.

"This has to stop Bass, she's just a girl, you are a grown man still chasing after a dream" he advised his reflection, running his fingers through his bed matted hair. He sighed and turned from the bathroom, padding back into his bedroom and logged onto his computer. He smiled slightly noticing that JC was up and online.

BlueEyesMD - Nother dream huh

CntryGentleman - Yeah…do you ever sleep?

BlueEyesMD - Yup, sometimes. You need to forget about her man....you looked like death warmed over the last time I saw ya, and that was a month ago. Lord knows what you're doing without the rest of us a round.

CntryGentleman - Thanks....I'm feelin the love.

BlueEyesMD - You should. But I'm serious Lance...you shouldn't keep dragging yourself down. It's only hurting you in the end.

CntryGentleman - I know I know I know...but it's not that easy J. I loved her, still do...

He bit his bottom lip to keep the tears from falling as he typed

...I can't just let her go...she's always there in my dreams, I couldn't forget about her if I tried, and I don't want to forget her.

He waited for JC to reply, but instead jumped as the phone shrilled.

"Hullo?"

"Lance, calm down buddy" JC's soothing voice came over the line.

"What do you mean calm down?" Lance asked grumbled, wiping at the betraying tears.

"I know you are sitting over there trying not to cry. Lance man, if she was coming back, or anything don't you think you would have heard from her by now?"

"What, do you have cameras hidden in my room now or something?" Lance grumbled, sniffling slightly. "I know that...but there is still a part of me that hopes daily for a phone call, a letter, her showing up on my doorstep and falling into my arms...just something to say that she's ok.." he stopped as his voice started to crack.

"I understand that man, but don't get your hopes up. If it's been this long, I wouldn't plan on it. You have got to move on."

"But..."

"No buts. You are coming up here to stay with me for a while. It's been too long since you've experienced some good ole Maryland livin. I'll arrange a flight for you and all...just show up with your suitcases, deal?"

"JC, I don't think..."

"I'm not asking you to think. I'll call you back with your flight information."

Lance unconsciously pulled his hat down lower over his eyes, not wanting to chance recognition. That was all he needed right now was to be mobbed in Baltimore/Washington International Airport. He looked around but there was still no sign of his friend.

After about another 15 minutes of waiting, he headed towards some pay phones to call the Chasez household when he heard his name being called. He whirled around and repaid Jc's infectious grin with one of his own.

"Sorry bud, traffic was a bitch...you know how it goes. How was your flight, everything ok?"

"Yeah, everything was fine. Let's get out of here, it's too crowded and I don't want to be the cause of a mob if you know what I mean."

"Exactly. Come on, I'm parked over in F."

Where are you now, what have you found / Where is your heart, when I'm not around / Where are you now, you gotta let me know / Oh baby, so I can let you go

"Thanks Norm, now here is the latest from the Backstreet Boys, 'Shape of My Heart'. You're tuned in to Ari in the Afternoon here on 106.3 The Heat. I'm outta here everyone, thanks for listening in and I'll talk to y'all tomorrow from 10-2pm, Joel Scott is up next!" She collapsed back in her chair as the opening bars wafted through the cramped studio.

"Erin?" She jumped slightly as Joel's voice came over the speakers.

"Yeah?"

"Come out here, I need you for a minute kay?"

"Ok, let me grab my stuff" she grumbled, unplugging her headphones and gathering her personal CD stash. She tossed Norm a wave which he returned before turning back to his newscast. "What's up?"

"Not too much, good show today." he complimented her without even looking up from the public service announcements he was working on.

"Thanks, but isn't it always? What did you need? Please don't tell me Randy's out again" she pleaded, plopping back in one of the chairs across from him.

"Nah, nothing that drastic. We got an invite today for a huge mixer up in Baltimore. Apparently we were nominated for some awards from the eastern branch of the Radio Broadcasters Association and we need someone to represent us. Corey's going up for AAI and I think Jess is going for TDK so we need someone for CEM. Interested?"

"Of course...but if Corey's going that means Mandy's going and I need a babysitter" she moaned. "Oh well, I'm sure I can find one, when is it?"

"Well, it's this weekend..."

"Um Joel, it's like Wednesday."

"Yeah, so you still wanna go? Johnny can't because he's been called home to New York and I can't, Gerri and I already had plans."

"Yeah, I'm sure mom or someone can take care of Jamie, so fill me in, formal? What all is involved?"

"I can't believe this, I haven't even been here a week yet and you already have me pulled into something" Lance grumbled, pulling the pillow tighter over his head.

"Oh come on, get your lazy butt out of bed. One of the guys from B102.7 knows Mom and I got roped in, and if I have to be there than so do you."

"But I don't have anything to wear!" Lance sat up and pouted.

"That is why you are going to drag your ass out of bed and we're going to hit the mall. No ifs ands or buts, except for yours moving. So lets go!" JC ordered and bounded out the door. Lance laid in bed a few more moments staring at the ceiling. JC had kept him busy since they met up in the airport, leaving him with little to no free time to himself. He wanted to stay in at least once while he was up visiting, but that seemed like a snowballs chance in hell.

"Yo Lansten! NOW!!!"

"I'm going I'm going..."

"Girl come on! We're going to be late!" Mandy grumbled, watching her friend mess with her hair for the twentieth time in as many minutes.

"Man, why am I always the one that gets roped into these things? I could be home doing anything else, not being all dolled up for a bunch of suits" Ari grumbled, debating on whether to leave her hair up or down.

"Because you deserve to get out and have fun every once in a while."

"But Jamie..."

"Is fine...he's on cloud nine having an overnight with his grandma, and you are going, right now. Corey's downstairs waiting on us and if we take five more minutes he's going to come up after us. So let's go!" Mandy said, grabbing her wrist and pulling her away from the mirror. She grabbed their wraps and purses and shoved Ari into the hallway, locking the door behind them.

Mandy rolled her eyes as Ari primped in the shiny brass walls of the elevator as the descended down through the hotel.

"Are you sure I don't look like a ho? Perhaps I should have gone with the green dress...I mean, watch. 99% of the people will be in their sixties or older, sipping their sherries and man, why do I get pulled into these things?"

"Ari...if you don't shut up I'm going to shove my purse in your mouth. You look fabulous, we both do, and you will know almost everyone there, everybody from all of the competition will be there, not to mention all of your friends from here on the western shore, you have nothing to worry about! "Mandy sighed, watching Ari twirl around once more. The crimson material hit all of her curves the right way, cut low in the back, and in the front, but not enough to be indecent, falling to the floor. Mandy looked at her own reflection, patted her hair and smiled. She was wearing a soft lavender dress, similar to her friend's.

"Damn, it took you all long enough!" Corey greeted them, giving his girlfriend a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Sorry, someone took twenty friggin forevers" Mandy grumbled, adjusting Corey's lapels. "Are we all ready now?"

She glared at Ari, daring her to say anything. Ari yawned and gave her the finger. "Good, now let's go, the limos waiting."

"So how much longer do we have to mingle?" Lance whined as soon as him and JC had a break between people coming over to schmooze.

"Not much longer. The dinner is almost over, then we hang around until it's our turn to present an award, then we're out of here, promise. It's not killing you to be out you know that right?"

"I don't know about that....incoming" Lance muttered under his breath, turning on a bright smile as some young woman came up.

"Finally....I'm ready to get out of here" Ari muttered as the young emcee announced the last award of the evening.

"We're honored to have these two young men here to present our last award of the evening, Ladies and Gentlemen, JC Chasez and Lance Bass from Nsync!" the emcee continued, appluading and clearing off the stage as the pair made their way to the podium.

"Good evening , since we know that you all ready to get out of here, we'll make this as quick as possible" JC cracked, earning a chuckle from the weary crowd.

"Ooh shit" Mandy breathed looking over to her friend. Ari had frozen with her glass halfway to her lips, all blood had left her face leaving her as white as a sheet.

"I've gotta go, I'll see you guys back at the hotel" Ari started, slamming her glass down and reached for her purse. Corey's hand on her wrist stopped her.

"Oh hold on, this will take all of five minutes and we'll all leave, just calm your ass down" he muttered under his breath, grabbing her purse and wrap with his other hand, tossing them onto the empty chair beside him.

"We're here to present the award for the Newcomer of the Year." Lance announced. "The past receptiants of this award have always gone on to become bigger and better as time passes, but they all had to start somewhere. This year's winner seemingly popped up out of nowhere. She started out as a part-time board op on an oldies station, then started filling in as a substitute between the stations in her company, and finally earning herself a full-time air slot doing the mid-shift. Since her show started, she has upped the stations ratings 10% in the past six months, not an easy task by any stretch."

"So this year, we would like to announce the Newcomer of the year, from WCEM FM 106.3 The Heat out of Cambridge Maryland, Host of 'Ari in the Afternoon', Ari Holliday!" JC cheered.

Ari looked around her as the crowd stood applauded.

"You knew about this" she accused Corey, who stood there grinning obnoxiously, Mandy next to him, her look mirroring his.

"So? Go up there, you deserved it" she ordered her friend, giving her a push towards the stage. Ari made her way through the crowd, accepting the congratulations that floated all around her. All too soon she was climbing her way up the steps of the stage, not quite looking up at the presenters. Once she stood opposite them, she gave them both a weak smile. They both froze as recognition dawned upon them. JC recovered first. He came forward and gave her a big hug, then pushed her onto Lance, who mechanically gave her a hug, and handed her the award. She made a quick thank you speech, not really thinking about anything except for one solid thought that keep floating through her head - "Busted."

She smiled and thanked everyone one last time and started for the steps, but a firm hand on her back stopped her.

"Uh uh, you're coming backstage with us" JC whispered in her ear, the three of them now making their exit towards the backstage area.

"Guys, I can't stay, I have to catch my ride with my friends" she said weakly as JC steered her back further to some of the dressing rooms.

"Lance, run back and tell her friends that she will catch up with later, grab her stuff while you there so she has one less reason to run off" JC ordered. Lance nodded his head and hurried back to catch them before they left. Finally they stopped in front of one door, JC opening it and holding it open for her.

"Well, I'd ask where you've been but I already know that." he spoke first. She silently fell back onto one of the plush chairs that sat sparatically throughout the small room. "Why do you run out on him like that? If I had my way I wouldn't have let him know that you were here, but he's just gone downhill since you left. What happened?" he demanded, sitting opposite her, boring his bright blue eyes into her sad green ones.

"I had other things that I had to worry about Jace. You think I enjoyed leaving?"

"Then why in the hell did you do it Erin? And since when have you been 'Ari'?"

She shrugged.

"Some of my friends call me Ari, and it works on-air. That's all. But anyway, why I did it, it's none of your business Jace, and I really don't appriciate this whole mafia-type interogation you got going here. I'm tired, and I just want to go back to my hotel and go to sleep." she sighed.

"Nope. Not until you and Lance have a nice long talk. Do you know what kind of hell he's been living since you ran out on him?"

"Yes I do dammit...because I've been there everyday too" she spat, jumping to her feet and walked towards the door. It would have made a great exit if she hadn't barreled into someone and ended up in the floor.

"Whoa, are you ok?"

Ari sighed in defeat as Lance's arms wrapped around her tightly. After a few moments he released her, then stood up, offering her his hand and pulled her to her feet.

"I'll be out in the lounge if either of you guys need me" JC announced before slipping out quietly.

"I can't believe you're really here."Lance said softly, reaching between them to stroke her cheek softly.

"I can't believe it either."

"What happened Erin? I mean, I woke up one morning to an empty bed and you were long gone. Had I done something wrong? Something to displease you? Or was it something that I didn't do....?"

"Oh Lancers....it was nothing you had done....it was all me. There were some...circumstances beyond my control and I didn't want to drop all of my problems on you. I wasn't thinking clearly at the time. If I had, I would have done things differently and we would be standing here like this today."

"Baby, I loved you then, and I still do today. No problem would have been too big or too small for you to come to me with." he said firmly, pulling her into his arms.

"Lance...how long are you here for?" she asked, her words muffled against his shoulder.

"I'm staying with JC until next Thursday. Why?"

"Because, there's something I have to show you, and I have to go home to do that. Lets go back to my room so I can just grab my stuff and save me a trip back up here. We can stop by the lounge on our way out and let him know we're leaving." she said, pulling back.

"Um, ok" he gave her a weird look.

"Trust me...it's worth the trip." she smiled.

A few hours later

"So this is where you've been staying?"Lance asked as they fumbled through the dark house.

"No, this is my parent's house. I live a few minutes away in Cambridge."

"Ok, so what are we doing here then?" he asked, getting tired of her vague answers.

"Hold on, let me tell my mom that I'm here and stuff so she doesn't think someone's broken in" she ordered, slipping into one of the rooms. Lance looked around at what he assumed was the living room. He carefully made his way to the fireplace and squinted at the pictures that decorated that mantle. There was a family portrait with Erin, her sister and brother along with her parents. Then there was a few wedding pictures, one of Erin's senoir portraits. At the very end there was one that he hadn't seen before. It was Erin in a hospital bed, looking down at the bundle in her arms.

"Lance?" He jumped, feeling slightly guilty as if he'd been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing.

"Hmm?"

"Come here" she gestured towards him, leading him down a small hallway. She quietly eased open the door, gesturing for him to be quiet. A night light offered a soft glow to the prettily decorated room. He watched silently as Erin walked over to the crib and gently lifted the baby into her arms.

"Lance hun, meet Jamie" she said softly, just barely loud enough for Lance to hear.

"Erin, who's is this? You left me because you'd gotten knocked up by someone else why you were still seeing me?! Why in the hell did you waste my time bringing me all the way out here? You could have just told me instead of to rub this in my face" Lance said coldly, his entire expression wintry.

"You really think I would have done something like that to you?" she whispered. "When have I ever given you any reason that I would do something like that?"

"Well, I never thought you'd run off without a warning or a note like you did either. Who knows what else I don't know about you."

"Look, let's go to my place, I can put Jamie in his own bed, and you and I can talk without having to wake up my parents ok?"

I can hear your voice / The ring of yesterday / It seems so close to me / But yet so far away

I should let it out / To save what's left of me / And close the doors of doubt / Revive my dignity

But, I can't go on as long as I believe / Can't let go when I keep wondering

Where are you now, what have you found / Where is your heart, when I'm not around / Where are you now, you gotta let me know / Oh baby, so I can let you go

I should let it out, it's time to let you go

Oh baby, I just want to know

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