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If you have lost a loved one...
If you are the friend or relative of one grieving such a loss...
If you are a co-worker of one in grief...
Then this page is here for you...
I Lost My Child Today
I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,
as I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say
to try and make the pain go away.
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.
I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream.
"This can't be real," I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside.
God help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.
I lost my child last year.
Now people who had came, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long
to bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, "Why?"
"Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long."
I lost my child last year.
Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness, it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face
"You must move on and leave this place."
Yet I am trapped right here in time,
The song's the same, as is the rhyme.
I lost my child....... TODAY.......
Used with permission by author, Netta--1996
A helpful community resource is the local chapter of Compassionate Friends. Below is a link to their webpage, where you can look for the chapter nearest you.
Compassionate Friends
If you are a friend or relative who wants to help a bereaved loved one, we highly recommend the book, "Roses in December," by Marilyn Willett Heavilen by Harvest House Publishers. This book is also excellent to give the grieving as a gift, and was our family's favorite. It can be purchased at most bookstores; to order online, go to Amazon.com or Christian Book Distributors (www.chrbook.com).
Another helpful book is "A Grace Disguised," by Gerald L. Sittser, published by Zondervan Publishing. This too may be purchased in the same manner, and makes a thoughtful gift to the grieving.
Other helpful books written by those who have "been there":
Sweeping Up The Heart: A Father's Lament for His Daughter, by Paul W. Nisly, Good Books Publishing
Within Heaven's Gates, by Rebecca Springer, Whitaker House Publishers--this book is the recounting of a vision of one lying in an illness-induced coma.
Getting Through the Night: Finding Your Way After the Loss of a Loved One, by Eugenia Price, Ballantine Books
Strength for Today and Bright Hope for Tomorrow, by Steve Brock, Thomas Nelson Publishers
Dancing in the Dark: A Sister Grieves, by Elsie K. Neufeld with David Augsburger, Herald Press
Grandma's Tears: Comfort for Grieving Grandparents, by June Cerza Kolf, Baker Book House
For helpful websites online, visit My Mom-Dad Is a Survivor, the extensive Grief Recovery Online, Healing Hearts, or Annie's "How To Cope With Grief" Page. All are helpful resources for hurting parents.
For a wide array of information on the Christian's hope of heaven, see Lora's "Heaven" Pages. You will find the many book excerpts and Scripture references comforting and a source of strength.
For too many parents, the pain of losing their child is further aggravated by the insensitive comments of friends, or "body language" of relatives as they see the parent's eyes fill up with tears at a memory... and what may seem like an "abnormal" length of grieving time isn't abnormal at all. In addition to this, each parent-child relationship is unique, and grieving the loss of that child is also unique to each parent, and each family. The following was written by Netta Wilson in response to some of the things she experienced.
It has been nearly five years since the death of our daughter. I do not ask you to share the sorrow of our life. The burden is far too heavy and I would pray that you never need to experience it. I do still enjoy laughter and delight in having fun. Those moments make my life more bearable. But if you are to be my friend, please accept that my life is forever changed. Sometimes people feel that for my good, they must try to change the road that I now walk. "Others handle it better, why not I?" I do not know these others that you compare me to. I have not met them or spoken with them. So I cannot speak to how they have handled their grief or respond to what you are thinking.
It is easy to deal with the casual acquaintance who says foolish and rude things. Those people we can simply turn our back and walk away from. It is far more difficult with a close friend or family member who is trying to "help" us. It is the small comments. The look that sometimes passes across the face. The little things that are said in quiet, subtle and indirect ways. This effort to help me or any other parent is so hurtful. You do not realize that your desire to help can cause us so much distress. You cannot know that these things open our wounds and make us angry. There is a need to talk about our child. There is a need to remember and a need to say her name out loud. These comments make us feel as if we must grieve in silence. These comments make us feel that we are to put aside these precious memories.
My life is forever changed. There is no route back to the carefree person who I used to be. That person no longer exists, she died on the highway with my child. If you are to be my friend, you must accept that and you must learn that my daughter now lives within me. Her body died but her life still has meaning. She walks with me daily......... Her voice I still hear clearly and her laughter is like soft chimes in my memories. For nearly twenty-six years she consumed my every waking moment and often my dreams as I slept. I knew her before the moment of her birth and I loved her through every stage of her life. How would you have me take those memories from my mind? Why would you think I would be willing to do that?
I still see the beauty of her face, hear the laughter in her voice and take pride in who she was. I see her taking her first steps, her long pigtails and her baseball cap as she pitched the winning games. I see her coming home to tell me of her day and all that had happened in her life. The excitement of each achievement, the tears when she was hurt and her joy of living. She is alive within my mind and her spirit fills my soul. It is my greatest treasure. It is also the source of my deep sorrow. I would far rather see her face, hear her laughter and feel her arms circle me with love in my life. But that is not possible, and so I will cling to my memories as she dances through my mind.
If you are my friend, then you must accept my sorrow will always be part of me. Do not ask me to sit in silence and never utter her name. Do not ask me to stand on a stage and perform a play where everyone lives happily ever after. Many people in this world live with sorrow. We do not ask you to feel our pain. We truly pray that you never will. We understand your lack of ability to understand us. We want only happiness for you in your life. But we resent that you do not understand that these years are heavy on us. We bow beneath the weight of it but we must carry it. We were given no choice.
So be my friend. Just come and share your laughter and let us enjoy this time of friendship. Realize I have not stopped living my life. I still reach out to help others. I still care about people. I still love my children, and my grandchildren. I care what happens in your life and stand ready if you ever need a helping hand. I live my life to the best of my ability and I will continue to do so. But if it is too difficult to hear me say her name, or to listen to some memory that passes through my mind as we talk, and if you cannot accept that my life is forever changed, then you must leave my side. Go in peace and with all of my love. I will accept and understand. But if you choose to stay, do not ask me to pretend that everything is wonderful in my life. That would be to ask me to live a lie. That is to say to me, "You have buried her body, now you must bury her spirit." I will not do that. A true friend would not ask that of me. --Netta Wilson
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