04/18/00: Origin Butt-Reams Consumers Again (Origin Consumers Take It In The Ass Gladly, Beg For More):
This just in. Origin has announced the latest update for Ultima Online, titled 'Ultima Online: Renaissance'. Following Origin's proud tradition of releasing buggy, unfinished software before it works, this message appeared on the Ultima:Online website.

"We’re excited and enthused about the upcoming publish of Ultima Online: Renaissance and we sincerely hope you’ll enjoy all the great systems and updates we’ve bundled together in this new package.

However, the changes and features included in Ultima Online: Renaissance are some of the most complex and elaborate changes we’ve published since the game was released, and because of this, we’ve decided to delay the publish of Ultima Online: Renaissance until we are secure in delivering a quality gaming experience to our customers. Additionally, in the interest of providing a smooth and expedient publish, we have chosen to remove the faction system from the Renaissance publish. This system will be brought back into testing following the next publish. We expect it to be active on the shards within a few weeks of the Renaissance publish.

While we can delay the release of Ultima Online: Renaissance to our servers, we cannot delay the retail release, and thus you may see the new UO: Renaissance box on the shelves of your neighborhood software store now. For our new players, we hope this very short delay will provide ample time to experience and explore the world of Britannia before you settle in to enjoy all that Renaissance has to offer."

Well, Shiver me Timbers! They done it again! Origin truly has the most remarkable business model I've ever seen! Most companies with their track record would've been sued into oblivion decades ago...and the sad part is, people keep buying their shitware and beg for more. Is there a loose connection here? The only company I can think of that is capable of selling defective products for this long, and create a customer base akin to crack zombies is, well...Microsoft, I guess.

04/04/00: Terence McKenna 1946-2000:
Ontological pioneer Terence McKenna lost his battle with brain cancer last night at 2 AM. This is very sad news indeed. For those of you unfamiliar with Mr. McKenna, try to imagine a less flaky version of Timothy Leary. McKenna was one of the late 20th century's most original thinkers, influencing everyone from Psychic TV's Genesis P-Orridge, to Invisibles comic book writer Grant Morrison. He graduated UC Berkeley with degrees in Ecology, Resource Conservation and Shamanism, and founded a branch of fractal dynamics known as Novelty Theory. He predicted that the world as we know it will end on Dec 22, 2012, based on information gleaned from the Mayan Calendar and his own complex computer models of history. It is truly a shame that he never became as well known as Timothy Leary, as, unlike Leary, he never devolved into a drug addled button-pusher aching for attention. He will be sorely missed by the staff here at DAM. Find out more about Terence McKenna.

04/04/00: Art Bell Retires:
Late night talk-show host Art Bell announced on his April 1st show that he was leaving radio broadcasting. At first I took this to be an April Fool's gag, but it seems that his retirement is legit. Due to numerous personal issues (which I will not go into here, as they are stated quite plainly on www.artbell.com), Art has decided to air his final broadcast on April 26th. Although 'Coast to Coast A.M.' will continue without Art, I feel that his departuie has left a large void in late night talk radio which cannot be filled. I will continue to listen, but his unique presence will be sorely missed. Destroy All Monsters would like to thank Mr. Bell for his contributions to radio broadcasting and wish him and his family all the best in the days to come.

03/31/00: Evil Tyrant Abdicates:
Richard Garriott, lord of all that is unholy in videogames, has left the building. He QUIT! HA HA HA HA! The split is being described as 'amicable' (aren't they all?). Origin's David Swafford is quoted as saying, "His interests and our interests just aren't on the same path..." which means, I guess, that Richard wants to make games that WORK. Good show, Garriott! Now if only you'd open your craw and apologize for that last mess...

03/30/00: DAM Contest to be Announced: That's right! We're gearing up to throw some raw meat to the pack of wild hyenas that is our readership. The details are 'extra sekrit' for now, but I can tell you this much. It's going to be a poetry contest, the topic of which will be revealed next week. Sharpen those pencils and break out those Cure albums, people!

03/30/00: The Illustrated Man: Man, I loved that book. That story with the living room where the lions come alive scared the shit out of me when I was ten. Well, my buddy Shone finally got his totally insane back piece done and I got his permission to share the glory with the rest of the world.Enjoy.I don't know If you can see moving stories on his back or anything, but you might want to run away from him like that dude at the end of the book did. Props to Phil Kyle for the tattoo work. Check it out!

03/23/00: Yam Boy: I'm still moving, but that doesn't stop the wierdness from happening, no sirree...Here's a report in this morning's USA TODAY. Thanks to Mom for the heads up. "Hundreds of curious Nigerians flocked to the police station in the northern town of Maiduguri after reports that a schoolboy had been turned into a yam by witchcraft. Three students rushed to the principal's office at Evangelist Primary School to say the boy turned into the yam after he accepted a sweet from a stranger. The principal found the yam and took it to police. It was being guarded by Divisional Police Officer Adamu Tukur who plans to take the yam for tests ''to see if we can . . . unravel this mystery.''

03/15/00: DAM Kicks off 'No Update Week':
That's right! Help us jump start the festivities, by doing absolutely NOTHING! Skip work, sit in front of the television, eat shitty cheez curlz! It's 'No-Update Week' here at Destroy All Monsters, because I'm moving. And no, you can't help, because then you'd know where I live, you psycho bastards. And stay off the lawn, too. I have to make room for the three dozen teen nymphettes that parachute in daily, and they need somewhere to land.

03/13/00: People For the Ethical Treatment of Alcohol?:
PETA has recently been suggesting that college students drink beer instead of milk. The reason? PETA claims that milk-cows are treated poorly. So let me get this straight. They want to resolve animal cruelty by promoting underage drinking?Is it just me or is there a loose connection here? Like the old adage says, two wrongs don't make a right. Or in this case, a far left..

03/10/00: The Truth is Out There (Part Deux): Check out this exclusive picture from the X-Box launch, revealing previously undisclosed Microsoft technology. If you ever wondered wether or not Microsoft reverse-engineered their stuf from crashed alien spacecraft, I think we now have the answer.

03/10/00: The Truth is Out There:
Microsoft today unveiled its uber-console, dubbed the X-Box. The tech specs are very interesting; as a very clear indication of AMD's growing dominance in the computer processor industry, the X-Box will use the Athlon 650mhz CPU...especially interesting considering Microsoft's long standing associations with Intel. Also, the X-Box will not use a GeForce video card as previously believed, but will instead ship with a chipset from Nvidia. Throw in 64mb of system and video RAM and an 8GB hard drive and you have a serious contender. Don't take all the money out of your PlayStation 2 trust-fund just yet, though...the X-Box isn't expected to hit the shelves until the fall of 2001.

03/09/00: Britpop Gone Awry
(UPDATE #2 !!!):
Shhh...quiet. Hear that? That's the sound of two thousand English bookies being disappointed. It appears that the Liam Gallagher/Robbie Williams fight is off. Liam Gallagher finally responded, saying the whole affair was 'childish and pathetic'. Dear God! Is this the same Liam we all know and love? Has fatherhood extinguished the spirit of reckless violence once cherished by Oasis fans worldwide? All I can really sayis, did he have to back down from prettyboy Robbie Williams?

03/09/00: As If I Needed Another Reason To Hate Disney:
Yeah, right. I can always count on The Mouse to do something evil and despicable. Who the hell am I fooling. To those not keeping score: Kevin Smith's CLERKS animated series in production over at ABC (which is owned, incidentally, by Disney...) has been pushed back to May, effectively destroying any chance it had to thrive during the more active spring television season. What did they put in its place? Why, 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' (or, as Paul Dini calls it, Who Wants to Be Regis's Brain-Dead Straight Man). Don'twe already see that show, like six nights a week already? Well, as usual, Disney knows where the Money-God lies and has chosen to stick their rodent-nose as far up her greedy green bung-hole as possible. Let's hear it for the drone-suits at Disney for once again taking the low road.Go check out www.newsaskew.com for the latest.

03/08/00: Britpop Gone Awry:
Well, it looks like a real fight is brewing over the great pond. No, I mean a real fight.It seems that Robbie Williams, formerly of boy-band Take That, has challenged Liam Gallagher of Oasis to a fight, with the stakes set at £100,000. Don't believe it? Well, head over to Features and read the whole story for yourself. And when you're done there, why not drop us a line and tell us what you think.

03/07/00: Screw the Election, here's the REAL debate!:
Okay, we all know what the real important things are, right? That's right, the X-Men movie. And for weeks, nerdy fanboys have been bitching up a storm about how the film costumes stray from the comic. Well, you know what? WHO CARES. That's right GET OVER IT. The movie costumes kick the comic version's ass six-ways from Sunday. If you doubt it, take a look at this.

03/07/00: Vote, Eat, and Be Merry!:
Today is that rarest of days, Super Fat Tuesday. And you know what that means...go vote in your state primaries, and then get liquored-up and eat crawfish! Or, just for shits and giggles, get drunk and then vote (and then watch Bozo the Clown get nominated by a horde of drunken Cajuns). Woo Hoo! If you need help figuring out just where you stand on the issues, head on over to www.govote.com. Thanks to ' Jason for the heads up.

03/06/00: A Punchline Without a Joke:
Okay, I really don't have an article to go with this, but I worked a little Photoshop magic while I was on my lunch break today, and I thought I'd share it with you, my readers. Don't ever say I never gave you nuttin. This is what happens when a careless bit of word association gets loose and keeps you awake at night. Okay, that's not true. I thought of this while I was on the toilet. So there.

03/06/00: Ultma IX vs. Everyone:
Has anyone else seen that financial services commercial featuring Richard Garriott (a.k.a. Lord British, a.k.a. Public Enema #1) talking about how his investment adviser enables him to spend his ill gotten gain on shit like running around in simulated zero-g like a monkey in 2000: A Space Oddysee? Does this piss anyone else off besides me? I don't know about you, but I have no respect for a half-assed Renaissance Fair-wannabe who bilks thousands of consumers for a $60 coaster set (complete with unintelligible cloth map!) and then spends the money on going to outer space. Mr. Garriott, if you are reading this, Fucketh Thou... Spread the word, my homies.

03/02/00: Rainbow Six vs. Ultima IX Part Deux:
I know, it's been, like, forever. But rest assured, it's coming, just as soon as I re-install Ultima IX. In the meantime, I'll keep the original version archived. Sorry to disappoint anyone who was looking for it yesterday and didn't see it. I am very ashamed of myself. Truly. But, I really felt like the re-design was the more important goal, and you get more frequent updates.

All material © 2000 Destroy All Monsters

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WORD OF THE MONTH:
yam