Religious
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Religious Jokes
- So this old guy is dying,
and he says to his wife, "Honey. Call for a
priest." And she says, "But John, we're
Lutheran." And he says, "What? I should make
Pastor Halvorson sick?
- Why is it dangerous to
piss off a Unitarian? He might burn a questionmark in
your front lawn.
- Why are Unitarians such
bad singers? Because they're always reading ahead in the
hymnal to see if they agree with it.
- What do you get when you
cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness? Someone out
knocking on doors for no apparent reason.
- What's the difference
between Baptists and Methodists ? Baptists won't wave to
each other in the liquor store.
- "I'm lonely,"
Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have
someone around for company." "Okay,"
replied God. "I'll give you the perfect companion.
She is beautiful, intelligent and gracious-she'll cook
and clean for you and never say a cross word."
"Sounds great," Adam said. "But what's she
going to cost?" "An arm and a leg"
answered God. "That's pretty steep, " replied
Adam. "What can I get for a rib?"
- So---three engineers are
arguing about which is better, mechanical engineering, or
electrical, or civil---and the mechanical engineer says,
"God must've been a mechanical engineer
because---look at the joints in the human body." And
the second says, "No, God must've been an electrical
engineer: look at the nervous system." And the third
said: "God had to be a civil engineer, cause who
else would've run a waste disposal pipeline right through
a great recreational area?"
- So this Iowan died and
went to Heaven. Saint Peter said, "Before I let you
in, you have to pass a test." "Oh, no!"
she said. Saint Peter said, "Don't worry. This is
easy. Just answer this question: Who was God's Son?"
The Iowan thought and finally she said "Andy!"
Saint Peter said, "Andy?" The Iowan said,
"We sang it in church: Andy walks with me, Andy
talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own."
- Three nurses die and they
go up to heaven. And St. Peter said, "So, tell me
what did have you do with your life?" And the first
nurse said, "Well, I work in an emergency room, and
it's really challenging. But we're able to help some
people and I think that's worthwhile." St. Peter
says, "That's fabulous-come on in. I hope you enjoy
heaven." And St. Peter turned to the second nurse
and said, "So, what did you do with your life?"
And the nurse says, "Lately I've been working in a
hospice, and it's a little depressing, since everyone
dies. But we're kind to people and I think that's
worthwhile." St. Peter says, "That's great.
Come on in-I hope you enjoy heaven." Then he faces
the last remaining nurse and says, "So, what did you
do with your life?" And the nurse says, "For
the last years of my life, I worked as a managed-care
nurse for an HMO." And St. Peter wrinkles his brow,
pulls out a calculator, a whole set of manuals, and a
pencil. He spends time, writing and scrunching up pieces
of paper, and then looks up and says, "I can approve
you for a five-day stay."
- Every year, St. Peter
conducted a tour down on earth. He told Virgin Mary,
"This year, I'm going to survey all your shrines and
compare them to the shrines I've seen in previous
years." He took his tour, and visited shrines across
the world before he came back to Heaven and reported to
Mary, "I've got great news! There are more people at
your shrines than anyone else's. But I noticed one
thing-every single statue portrayed you with a sad
expression on your face. Why is that?" And Mary
said, "You might not understand my feelings."
And St. Peter said, "Now, Mary, I've had many people
tell me their innermost feelings-can't you open up to
me?" And Mary said, "Well, you see, Peter ... I
really wanted a girl."
- Proof positive that Jesus
was Irish: 1) He lived at home until he was 30. 2) The
night before he died, he went out drinking with his
buddies 3) His mother thought he was God 4) He thought
his mother was a virgin.
- Jesus was walking through
the streets and he noticed a group of people throwing
stones at an adultress. And He stopped and said to the
crowd, "Let the one who is without sin cast the
first stone." All of a sudden, a big stone came out
of the crowd and hit the poor woman right on the head and
bounced off. Jesus stopped, taken aback, then looked up
and said, "Mom ....!"
- So--God calls up the Pope
and says, "I've got some good news, and some bad
news." God says, "I've decided that there
should be one church, and one religion. No more
confusion." The Pope says, "That's
wonderful." God says, "The bad news is: I'm
calling from Salt Lake City."
- So the guy goes in to his
barber, he's all excited, he says, "I'm going to go
to Rome. I'm flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome
Hilton, and I'm going to see the Pope." The barber
says, "Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome
Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you'll
probably be standing in back of about ten thousand
people." So the guy goes to Rome and comes back and
the barber says, "How was it?"
"Great," he says. "Alitalia was wonderful
airline. The hotel was great. And I got to meet the
Pope." "You met the Pope?" said the
barber. "I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring."
"And what did he say?" "He said, where did
you get that crummy haircut?'"
- A guy enters the monastery
and he has to take a vow of silence, but once a year he
can write a word on the chalkboard in front of the head
monk. And so the first year, it's tough not to talk, but
Word Day comes around and the monk writes,
"The" on the chalkboard. And the second year is
very painful-it's very difficult not to talk-and finally
the Word Day rolls around. The monk scratches
"food" on the chalkboard and enters his third
year, which is excrutiating, and the monk struggles
through it, and when the day rolls around again, he
writes "stinks." And the head monk says,
"What's with you? You've been here for three years
and all you've done is complain.
- So the drag queen walks
into a Catholic church as the priest is coming down the
aisle swinging the incense pot and he says to the priest,
"Oh, honey, I love your dress, but did you know your
handbag's on fire?"
- So this man went to his
rabbi and said "I'm very troubled by my son. He went
away and he came back a Christian." The rabbi said,
"You know, it's funny you say that. My son, too,
left home and came back a Christian." They decided
to pray about it, and God said, "You know, it's
funny you say that..."
- So the priest and the
rabbi were sitting next to each other at the B'nai Brith
dinner and after a while, the priest said, "I know
that you're Orthodox so you're not supposed to eat
pork...Have you ever tasted it?" The rabbi said,
"Well, yes, I have. A couple times. And --- I know
you're supposed to be celibate. Have you ever...."
The priest said, "Well---- actually, yes, a couple
of times." And the rabbi said, "Better than
pork, isn't it?"
- Two Baptist ministers are
talking about the immorality of the country today, and
one of them says, "I didn't sleep with my wife
before I was married. How 'bout you?" And the other
says, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
- So the Lutheran minister
is driving down to New York to see the radio show and
he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding and the state
trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an
empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir,
have you been drinking?" And the minister says,
"No, just water." The sheriff says, "Then
why do I smell wine?" And the minister looks down at
the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it
again!"
- A little boy and his
grandmother were walking along the seashore when a huge
wave appeared out of nowhere and swept the child out to
sea, and the grandmother, horrified, falls to her knees,
and she says, "God, please, return my beloved
grandson. Please, I beg of you. Send me safely
back." And, lo, another huge wave washed in and
deposited the little boy on the sand at her feet, and she
picked him up and looked him over, and then she looked up
at the sky and said, "He had a hat!"
- Jesus and Satan were
having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the
most out of his computer. This had been going on for days
and God was tired of all the bickering. God said,
"Cool it. I'm going to set up a test that will run
two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They
moused away. They did spreadsheets, they wrote reports,
they sent faxes, they sent out e-mail, they sent out
e-mail with attachments, they downloaded, they did some
genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every known
job. But just a few minutes before the two hours were
up,lightening flashed across the sky. Thunder rolled and
the rains came down hard. And of course the electricity
went off. Satan was upset. He fumed and fussed and he
ranted and raved. All to no avail. The electricity stayed
off. But after a bit the rains stopped and the
electricity came back on. Satan screamed, "I lost it
all when the power went off. What am I going to do? What
happened to Jesus' work?" Jesus just sat and smiled.
Again Satan asked about the work Jesus had done. Jesus
turned his computer back on and the screen glowed, and
when he pushed "print," it was all there.
"How did he do it?" Satan asked. God smiled and
said, "Jesus Saves."
- The Pope and Queen
Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at
thousands of people in the forecourt below. The
Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her
mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make
every English person in the crowd go wild with
just a wave of my hand." The Pope says,
"No way. You can't do that." The Queen
says, "Watch this." So the Queen waves
her hand and every English person in the crowd
goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union
Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going
ballistic. So the Pope is standing there
thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I
never thought she'd be able to do it." So he
thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns
to her and says, "I bet you I can make every
Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now,
but for the rest of the week, with just one nod
of my head." The Queen goes, "No way,
it can't be done." So the Pope headbutts
her.
The
following announcements actually appeared in various church
bulletins:
- Don't let worry kill you -- let the
church help.
- Thursday night - Potluck supper.
Prayer and medication to follow.
- Remember in prayer the many who are
sick of our church and community.
- For those of you who have children
and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
- The rosebud on the alter this
morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer,
the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
- This afternoon there will be a
meeting in the South and North ends of the church.
Children will be baptized at both ends.
- Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an
ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come
early.
- Wednesday the ladies liturgy will
meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little
bed" accompanied by the pastor.
- Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a
meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to
be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor
in his study.
- This being Easter Sunday, we will
ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the
alter.
- The service will close with
"Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will
start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join
in.
- Next Sunday a special collection
will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All
those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come
forward and do so.
- The ladies of the church have cast
off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the
church basement Saturday.
- A bean supper will be held on
Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
- At the evening service tonight, the
sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early
and listen to our choir practice.
Students in both Jewish
and Christian parochial schools were asked to write about the
Bible. The following are some of the responses:
OLD TESTAMENT HISTORY
- In the first book of the
Bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world, so
he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created
from an apple tree.
- Noah's wife was called
Joan of Ark.
- Noah built the ark, which
the animals came on in pears.
- Lot's wife was a pillar of
salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- The Jews were a proud
people and, throughout history, they had trouble with
unsympathetic Genitals.
- Samson was a strong man
who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah
- Samson slated the
Philistines with the axe of apostles.
- Moses led the Hebrews to
the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is
bread made without any ingredients.
- The Egyptians were all
drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went upon Mount
Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
- The first commandment was
when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The Fifth Commandment is
humor thy mother and father.
- The Seventh Commandment is
thou shalt not admit adultery.
- Joshua led the Hebrews in
the Battle of Geritol.
- The greatest miracle in
the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and
he obeyed him.
- David was a Hebrew king
skilled at playing the liar.
- King David fought with the
Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical
times.
- Solomon, one of David's
sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
NEW TESTAMENT HISTORY
- When Mary heard that she
was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- When the three wise guys
from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus in the
manager.
- Jesus was born because
Mary had an emasculate contraption.
- St. John, the Blacksmith,
dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the
Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they
do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live
by sweat alone."
- It was a miracle when
Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone
off the entrance.
- The people who followed
the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
- The epistles were the
wives of the apostles.
- One of the opossums was
St. Matthew.
- St. Paul cavorted to
Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another
name for marriage.
- According to the Bible, a
Christian should have only one wife. This is called
monotony.
Funny Church Stories:
- Rev. Warren J. Keating,
Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Yuma, AZ, says
that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord,
please make me the kind of person my dog thinks I
am."
- A woman went to the Post
Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What
Denomination?" asked the clerk. "Oh, good
heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.
"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."
- On a very cold, snowy
Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer
arrived at the village church. The pastor said,
"Well, I guess we won't have a service today."
The farmer replied, "Heck, if even only one cow
shows up at feeding time, I feed it."
- During a children's
sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what
"Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and
said: "It means, 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all
folks!'"
- I was at the beach with my
children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed
my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay
dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to
him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went
to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and
then said, "And God threw him back down?"
- Bill Keane, creator of the
Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a time when he was
penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy said,
"Daddy how do you know what to draw?" I said,
"God tells me." Jeffy said, "Then why do
you keep erasing parts of it?"
- The Bible in 50
words:
- God made
- Adam bit
- Noah arked
- Abraham split
- Joseph ruled
- Jacob fooled
- Bush talked
- Moses balked
- Pharaoh plagued
- People walked
- Sea divided
- Tablets guided
- Promise landed
- Saul freaked
- David peeked
- Prophets warned
- Jesus born
- God walked
- Love talked
- Anger crucified
- Hope died
- Love rose
- Spirit flamed
- Word spread
- God remained.
Signs
Found On Church Property:
- "No God -- No Peace. Know God
-- Know Peace."
- "Free Trip to heaven. Details
Inside!"
- "Try our Sundays. They are
better than Baskin-Robbins."
- "Searching for a new look?
Have your faith lifted here!"
- "Have trouble sleeping? We
have sermons -- come hear one!"
- "People are like tea bags --
you have to put them in hot water before you
- know how strong they are."
- "God so loved the world that
He did not send a committee."
- "Come in and pray today. Beat
the Christmas rush!"
- "When down in the mouth,
remember Jonah. He came out all right."
- "Sign broken. Message inside
this Sunday."
- "Fight truth decay -- study
the Bible daily."
- "How will you spend eternity
-- Smoking or Non-smoking?"
- "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty
Lives":
- "It is unlikely there'll be a
reduction in the wages of sin."
- "Do not wait for the hearse to
take you to church."
- "If you're headed in the wrong
direction, God allows U-turns."
- "If you don't like the way you
were born, try being born again."
- "This is a ch_ _ ch. What is
missing?" ---------> (U R)
- "Forbidden fruit creates many
jams.""In the dark? Follow the Son."
- "Running low on faith? Stop in
for a fill-up."
- "If you can't sleep, don't
count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
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