Redneck Jokes

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You might be a redneck if . . . .

1. Your porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
2. You buy and new house and have your mom come out to help you move it.
3. Both your dog and your wallet are on a chain.
4. One end of your clothes line is tied to your mailbox.
5. You mow your lawn and find more than 1 car.
6. People ask for permission to hunt in your front lawn.
7. The directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
8. Thanksgiving dinner is ruined because your family ran out of ketchup.
9. Your wife's hairdo messes with the ceiling fan.
10. You have ever driven to Florida with your feet out the window.
11. The main color of your car is Bondo.
12. You have a tattoo that says "Mother" and it's spelled wrong.
13. The drapes in your car are better than the drapes on your house.
14. Your girlfriend has a tattoo and your mother admires it.
15. You go to family reunions to meet women.
16. You have a home that's mobile and 12 cars that aren't.
17. Someone asks for your I.D. and you show him your belt buckle.
18. Your family tree does not fork.
19. You stop on the side of the road so your grandmother can take a leak.
20. Going to the bathroom at night involves a flashlight and boots.
21. A seven course meal is a bag of chips and a six-pack.
22. You walk your kid to school because you're in the same grade.
23. Your mother has a spittoon on the ironing board.
24. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
25. The only thing your credit card is good for is to scrape frost off your windshield.
26. Your wife puts Bean-O on everything you eat.
27. You're over 30 and still giving people "wedgies."
28. The elastic in your long johns is extinct.
29. You use Armor-All on your leather jacket.
30. The most valuable part of your car is the gas in the tank.
31. You've seen Elvis this week.
32. For laughs, you watch your wife's delivery film backwards.
33. You think the four seasons are onion, pepper, salt, and garlic.
34. You've ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.
35. Your grandmother reloads her own shotgun shells.
36. The "Save Naugahyde" protection group chooses your house as a picket site.
37. Your favorite cap says "Babymaker."
38. You think paprika is a Third World country.
39. Your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.
40. You've ever slow danced in a Waffle House.
41. You've stripped naked at a Laundromat to insure a full load.
42. Your panty lines can be seen from 100 yards away.
43. You've ever named a child for a good dog.
44. You've ever been in a knife fight with your mama.
45. Your best pick-up line for women is written on your baseball cap.
46. Your wife has been involved in more than six bar brawls in the last two weeks.
47. You've sought a second opinion about an ingrown toenail.
48. You and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.
49. One member of your carpool is a dog.
50. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
51. Babysitters never work for you more than once.
52. Your church has a "happy hour."
53. You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
54. You get your tattoo updated after every Super Bowl.
55. You teach your kids how to make prank phone calls.
56. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
57. Your picture is in the paper for a DUI and your family buys extra copies.
58. The local Gun and Knife Show is held in your basement.
59. You've ever had a conversation about truck tires that lasted more than an hour.
60. Your family goes outside to watch when a car passes.
61. Your mother owns a Lynard Skynard T-shirt.
62. You think Dodge City is a truck dealership.
63. Your major source of income is a pool stick.
64. You think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.
65. You've ever tried to fix car dents with a bathroom plunger.
66. Starting your car involves popping the hood.
67. You proposed in a Denny's.
68. You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
69. You write a fan letter to the inventor of electric socks.
70. You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
71. You ask the judge for a light.
72. You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup Series.
73. Your bowling trophies are insured.
74. You have the entire WWF Slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailor.
75. Your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in at least 13 states.
76. You make engine noises while watching Nascar racing on TV.
77. An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
78. You named your daughter "Bill Elliott."
79. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
80. Someone asks to see your marriage license and you have to dig through the back floorboard of the G.T.O.
81. You've ever gotten an official letter of recognition from a tobacco or beer company.
82. You whistle at women in church.
83. Your front porch is a tourist attraction.
84. You always thought "Guns and Roses" was something you get for your anniversary.
85. You have a drawer full of ketchup packets and hot sauce from fast food restaurants.
86. Your yard has ever been the proposed site for a landfill.
87. You learned the facts of life by watching dogs.
88. You participate in the "Who can spit tobacco the farthest?" contest.
89. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
90. You refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed."
91. You've no idea how many pets you have.
92. There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
93. None of the tires on your van are the same size.
94. You've ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.
95. You've ever cleaned your brake drums in the dishwasher.
96. You've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
97. Your home security system features fishing twine and tin cans.
98. Your last words before losing consciousness have ever been, "Hey, y'all! Watch this."
99. You've rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
100. Your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.
101. You join a record club under a fake name.
102. Your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.
103. There's a belch on your answering machine greeting.
104. You think trash TV is something in your backyard.
105. You've ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.
106. You own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.
107. You've driven over 100 miles to look at a hog.
108. You won your wife's wedding ring by knocking down three milk bottles with a baseball.
109. You college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
110. The catering of your wedding consists of moonshine and Cheetos.
111. You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
112. You've spent more time on top of your Winnebago than in it.
113. You've ever taken a generator and a 27-inch TV camping.
114. You worked on your car on your wedding day.
115. You can't marry your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
116. You took your coon dogs on your honeymoon.
117. Your bridal veil was made of window screen.
118. Your grandmother wears a tank top without a bra.
119. Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
120. You spent your vacation at the mall.
121. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
122. Worse, you've been married three times and have never had in-laws.
123. You had to take the gum out of your mouth to kiss the bride.
124. You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
125. You wore cowboy boots during your wedding and so did your husband.
126. You took advantage of a "kids stay free" deal on your honeymoon.
127. You received a tub of crickets as a wedding present.
128. You received TV trays for Father's Day.
129. Your current wife was a bridesmaid at your first wedding.
130. Your wife's wearing a hair net in your wedding photos.
131. Your wedding dress was half denim.
132. You've ever given someone livestock as a wedding present.
133. There was a mechanical bull at your wedding reception.
134. You cut your wedding cake with a chainsaw.
135. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
136. Your honeymoon was featured on Real Stories of the Highway Patrol.
137. People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
138. Your greatest accomplishment is the ten-pound turnip you grew.
139. Your mailman wears a bee net and snake boots.
140. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
141. Your car and your house are both up on blocks.
142. You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
143. You've ever shot a beer can while someone else was drinking out of it.
144. You call your boss "dude."
145. Your attorney is also your milkman.
146. You think and oil change involves a comb and a bottle of Vitalis.
147. You get poison ivy, chiggers, and fleas just walking to your mailbox.
148. You cut your toenails in front of company.
149. You ever fixed your front porch with a car jack.
150. The first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is, "Where's the nearest liquor store?"
151. The most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is, "What are you lookin' at, Diphead?"
152. The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
153. Your kids go to Disneyland in just their underpants.
154. The flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls.
155. You have to bring your own silverware to the family reunion.
156. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
157. You ever sucked snake venom from a dog.
158. You two best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.
159. The garbage truck mistakenly takes your lawn furniture.
160. You've ever paid for a six-pack of beer with pennies.
161. You used to change your wife's diapers.
162. You sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.
163. You have a photo of yourself with a prize-winning vegetable.
164. Your five-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.
165. You've been to the emergency room more than three times to have a fishhook removed.
166. You have ever taken lawn furniture to a drive-in.
167. You have a prescription for antiperspirant.
168. There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
169. You've ever held up a funeral procession to check your oil.
170. Your air conditioner is louder than your TV.
171. Chiggers are included on your list of top five hygiene concerns.
172. You ever killed a bug with a shotgun.
173. Your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.
174. You time your belches to achieve a personal best.
175. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
176. The gas in your tank is worth more than your car.
177. You've ever written a fan letter to a medicated powder.
178. You follow the tractor pull circuit.
179. You've ever hunted within 20 yards of your child's swing set.
180. You ever confused a bread pan with a bedpan.
181. There are more than five animals sleeping in your bed.
182. Your shotgun sees more action than your lawnmower.
183. The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
184. You know you have visitors by the approaching dust cloud.
185. You've ever stolen toilet paper.
186. There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
187. You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
188. The air freshener hangin in your car lost its scent more than five years ago.
189. Stealing road signs is a family outing.
190. You've used all the blades on your Swiss Army Knife.
191. You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
192. Your breadbox used to be your mailbox.
193. The hedge around your house is full of empty beer cans.
194. You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
195. Your car ashtray is so packed, you can't get it out.
196. Tires were featured in your divorce settlement.
197. You've ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.
198. Your previous two homes are rotting in your pasture.
199. You own every Box Car Willie album.
200. Your school bus carried a radar detector.
201. You use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight your new rifle.
202. You met your wife through the personal ads in Bow Hunter magazine.
203. Your third-grade class had a no-smoking section.
204. Your school uniform was overalls.
205. There is a restraining order on your pets.
206. You've ever catered a dove hunt.
207. You think "megabytes" means a good day fishing.
208. You refer to roadkill as "the free lunch program."
209. Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
210. You regularly answer the door in your underwear carrying a baseball bat.
211. You have grease under your toenails.
212. You walk through the zoo pretending you have a bow and arrow.
213. You think truffles are a brand of potato chips.
214. It's impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform.
215. A significant portion of your income is spent on table dances.
216. The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
217. A different cat sleeps on your head every night.

Your Starship Captain Might Be a Redneck If . . .

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.

He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.

You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob".

He refers to Klingons as "Critters".

He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".

He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.

He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.

He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies".

He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.

He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.

He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.

He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage".

He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.

He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba".

He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster".

He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.

He paints the starship John Deere green.

He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special".

He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp".

His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.

He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen".

His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.

He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.

His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.

He sets phaser to "Cajun".

Redneck Techno-terms:

Download - Gettin' the farwood off the truck

Hard Drive - Gettin' home in the wintertime

Modem - Watcha did to the hayfields

Lap Top - Where the kitty sleeps

Mouse Pad - That's hippie talk for a critter hole

Mega Hertz - That's what happens when you fall off the barn roof

Chip - Munchies

Micro Chip - What's left in the bottom of the munchie bag

Main Frame - Holds up the barn roof

Byte - What the neighbor's dog does

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