Lawyer
Jokes
Back to
Joke Page
- Are you a lawyer?
Yes.
How much do you charge?
A hundred dollars for four questions.
Isn't that awfully expensive?
Yes. What's your fourth question?
- I dated a lawyer for awhile -- until one time she told
me, "Stop and/or I'll slap your face."
- So the lawyer is painting his house, when a hobo comes
around and asks if he can do something to earn a few
dollars, and the lawyer says, "Sure, take a can of
this paint, and go around to the back of the house, and
paint my porch." And the hobo does and fifteen
minutes later he comes back and says that he's finished.
The lawyer says, "Already?" And the hobo says,
"Yeah, but it wasn't a Porsche, it was a
Mercedes!"
- A lawyer had just undergone surgery, and as he came out
of the anesthesia, he said, "Why are all the blinds
drawn, doctor?"
There's a big fire across the street and we didn't want
you to wake up and think the operation was a failure.
- What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in dirt?
Not enough dirt.
- What's wrong with a bus half full with lawyers going off
a cliff edge?
It's only half-full.
- Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
- What's big, brown, and looks really good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
- A priest and a lawyer died
and went to heaven on the same day and St. Peter showed
them both to their rooms. The lawyer's room was extremely
large and lavish - and the priest's room was a little ten
by ten cell with one window and a cot. The priest said,
"St. Peter, I have spent my entire life serving
God... Why do I get a crummy room and the lawyer gets the
best room?" St. Peter replied, "Well, we get
thousands of priests here, but this is the first lawyer
we've ever had."
- A lawyer sent a note to a
client: "Dear Jim, Thought I saw you on the street
the other day, crossed over to say hello, but it wasn't
you, so I went back. One-tenth of an hour: $25.00"
- Why does New Jersey have
so many toxic waste dumps and Washington D.C. has so many
lawyers?
New Jersey got first choice.
- So a young lawyer meets
the devil at a bar association convention and the devil
says, "Listen, if you give me your soul....and give
me the souls of everyone in your family.... I'll make you
a full partner in your firm." And the young lawyer
says, "So.... What's the catch?"
- So the lawyer is
cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had
checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the
death certificate. "No," the doctor said,
"I did not check his pulse." "And did you
listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer. "No,
I did not," said the doctor. "So," said
the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate,
you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."
The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The
man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but for all I know
he could be out practicing law somewhere."
Back
to Joke Page
