Health, Doctors & Death

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1. I see there's a funeral in town today.
   Yeah.
   Who died?
   I'm not sure, but I think it's the one in the coffin.
2. Doctor, you told me I have a month to live and then you send me a bill for $1000!
   I can't pay that before the end of the month!
   Okay, you have six months to live.
3. An old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, and a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. And the old man says, "I'm married to a beautiful twenty-two-year-old woman." The young man says, "What's wrong with that?" And the old man says, "I forgot where I live!"
4. The old lady walks up to the old man at the old age home and she says, "If you drop your pants I'll bet I can tell your age." So, the man drops his pants, and she says, "You're 83."
   You're right! How could you tell?
   You told me yesterday.
5. So give it to me straight, Doctor. I want to know the truth.
   Very well. Your husband is in terrible shape, and if you want him to live, you're going to have to make sure he's well-fed and comfortable and happy at all times and you're going to have to make love to him three times a day.
   Three times a day?
   Three times a day.
   (FOOTSTEPS, DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. FOOTSTEPS AND STOP)
   So what'd he say?
   He says you're going to die.
6. What happened to you, Mr. Peebles? You look awful.
   Well, Doctor, you told me to take this medicine for three days, then skip a day, and that skipping wore me out.
7. How much to have this tooth pulled?
   Ninety dollars.
   Ninety dollars for just a few minutes work?
   Well, I can do it slower if you like.
8. So--- this man walks into the pharmacy and says, "Have you got cotton balls?" The pharmacist says, "What is this, a joke?"
9. May I help you, sir?
   Yes---- I, uh----- well, this is sort of embarrassing, but --- I'm going out on a date tonight, and you know-- I need some, you know-
   You need some protection.
   Right.
   Small, medium, or large?
   Uhhhh. I guess, medium.
   Okay, that'll be $2.35 including tax.
   Tacks!!!! I thought they stayed on by themselves!
10. Say, Doctor? What was wrong with that nun who just came running out of your office? She looked terribly pale.
    Well, I examined her, and told her she was pregnant.
    Is she?
    No, but it sure cured her hiccups!
11. Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawn mower.
    That's terrible. Why didn't you bring him in sooner?
    Because the neighbor just returned him this morning.
12. What's wrong with your brother?
    He thinks he's a chicken, Doctor.
    Really. How long has he thought this?
    Three years.
    Three years!
    We would've brought him in sooner but we needed the eggs.
13. Hello? Is this the state mental hospital?
    Yes, it is.
    I'd like to speak to Mr. Russell in room 27.
    One moment and I'll connect you........I'm sorry, Mr. Russell is not answering.
    Good. That means I must have really escaped then.
14. A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear and he says, "What's the matter with me."
    The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."

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