How
To Wash Your Cat
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Some people have the
misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow
they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this
popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that
resembles Tide (with or without bleach). Cats, like their
nemesis, the dog .... do get dirty and have a variety of odors...
from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the
same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember... your dog will try to
eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know
that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is
out of the question. So, the best approach is both sneaky and
direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to
tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits. Although your cat
has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern
for you .... you have the advantage of size, strength, and the
ability to wear protective garments.
- First .... dress for the
occasion. A 4-ply rubber wet suit is suggested, along
with a helmet, face mask and welders gloves.
- A Bathtub with a glass
enclosure is preferred to the one with a shower curtain.
A frenzied cat can shred one of these in about 3.5
seconds.
- Have the Kitty Bubbles and
towel in the enclosed bathtub area before hand. No ...
blow drying the cat after the bath is not suggested.
- Draw the water, making it
a little warmer than needed as you still need to find the
cat. Position everything strategically in the shower, so
you can reach it even if you are face down or prone in
the tub.
- Find your cat. Use the
element of surprise. Pick the cat up, nonchalantly as if
you were simply carrying him/her to the supper dish. No
need to worry about the cat noticing your strange
attire...the cat barely notices you anyway.
- Once you and the cat are
inside the bathroom .... speed is essential. In one
single liquid motion .shut the door to the bathroom, step
into the shower, close the sliding doors, and drop the
cat into the water. While the cat is still in a state of
shock, locate the Kitty Bubbles and squirt whatever part
of him is above the water line. You have just begun the
wildest 45 seconds of your life. Remember that cats have
no handles and add the fact that he now has soapy fur.
His state of shock has worn off and he's madder than a
wet hornet.
- As best, you can, wearing
welder's gloves, try to field his body as he catapults
through the air toward the ceiling. If possible, give
another squirt of Kitty Bubbles with his body now fully
exposed.
- During the 5 seconds you
are able to hold onto him, rub vigorously. No need to
worry about rinsing. As he slide down the glass enclosure
into the tub, he will fall back into the water, rinsing
himself in the process.
- Only attempt the lather
and rinse process about 3 times. The cat will realize the
lack of traction on the glass by then and will use the
next attempt on the first available part of you.
- Next, the cat must be
dried. No...this is NOT the easiest part. By this stage,
you are worn out and the cat has just become
semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. We suggest
here that you drain the tub and in full view of your cat
. reach for the bottle of Kitty Bubbles.
- If you have done step 10
correctly, the cat will be off your leg and hanging
precariously from your helmet. Although this view of the
cat is most disgusting, he will be in a much better
position for wrapping the towel around him.
- Be sure cat is firmly
wrapped in towel before opening tub enclosure. Open
bathroom door .... put towel wrapped cat on floor and
step back quickly. Into tub, if possible, and do not open
enclosure until all you can see is the shredded towel.
- In about 2 hours .... it
will be safe to exit the bathroom. Your cat will be
sitting out there somewhere looking like a small hedgehog
while plotting revenge.
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