Thurs., May 27, 1999(Shhh! Today we must be very quiet. Today there are men in my basement. Men I have never seen before in my life. Supposedly they are attaching a central air conditioning unit to my furnace but I suspect that they are actually Kosovo refugees driven by their desperation to seek shelter in the spider-infested nether regions of my Ohio domicile. Either that or bandits whose natty blue uniforms, heavy a/c equipment, and commercial van with the cute sign are just so many ruses to trick me into granting them unsupervised access to my prized dust collection.
Of course I have granted them such access - but just to test them. If they fail there will be a warning letter sent to their parents first thing tomorrow morning! If they fail a second time I'll demand an actual conference with their mom and dad. I am NOT someone to be trifled with!
Shhh! I must type softly so as not to alert them to the fact that I am on to their game. No telling what they might do with their pneumatic screwdrivers and high-speed hammers if they find out that I'm not half the fool I appear to be but someone with the foresight to have sprinkled his basement with fake dust after slipping the real stuff away to a safe deposit box in a foreign city only I stand half a chance of remembering the name of.
If it turns out that they're actually refugees from Kosovo, fine, I can always compassionately wire them the name of that city later....)So, here I am writing another entry just as if it's another day.
But what am I saying? Of course it is just another day. I must be giddy because of the nice visitors I have, and giddiness makes us say silly things sometimes - everybody knows that. What nice visitors they are, too! Slaving away for too little pay just so that I may be cool this summer. I feel so - so blessed!(Did you hear something?! Something like an overloaded oxcart pulling up?? Oh, the mail truck - never mind!)
Well, let's see. Think I'll answer some of this mail that's been piling up untouched for weeks. I do that every day, after all. No reason why today ought to be any different! :) :) :)
(I think I have them fooled. The rest is up to you - please keep reading, just as if this were an actual entry. I beg you!)
Since starting this journal on May 4 I've been getting mail with return addresses covering all four corners of the globe. Dismissing these as obvious forgeries (since a minute's reflection reveals that the globe doesn't have a single corner), I think I'll turn to the handful that remain.
Ms. LWL of Ramsbottom, Canada writes: "Yesterday you quoted your neighbor as saying that he could trace his roots back to the Mayflower. Can he really?"
Dear Ms. LWL of Ramsbottom, Canada: Mayflower, peony bushes, blue-green algae holed up in a test tube - who cares? Plants is plants and we're all brothers under the foliage, if you catch my pollen.Ms. LWL of Toledo, Ohio writes: "In your entry of May something-or-other you described your cat, Jester, as being atop your head. Dan - I've seen your haircut. Allowing a cat atop your head amounts to nothing less than animal abuse! Please stop it at once or I'm reporting you to the proper authorities!!"
Dear Ms. LWL of Toledo, Ohio: I'm already actively discouraging this activity with strong no-no-no's and occasional heavy sighs but regret to report that it isn't working. Should I put up a fence? Before answering, consider this: A thriving economy has developed around this allegedly cruel activity. Jess is charging his neighborhood friends five cat treats each for the right to climb to the top of my noggin, allowing him to employ no fewer than three former welfare kittens to direct traffic and another two strays to check the hand-stamps of those wanting to be let back up after a quick trip to the Porta-Litterbox on my shoulder. And then there are the six Sherpas and their 25 dependents. Do you really want to deprive all these critters of their livelihood? Well, I certainly hope so! When can you come here and do it?!Ms. LWL of Buffalo, New York writes: "My son's guidance counselor tells me that testing reveals him best suited for a career of watching cars go by but your recent entry on the subject didn't quite convince me that this is something a normal, healthy boy can expect to spend the next 50 years happily doing. Is there anything more you can say to reassure me?"
Dear Ms. LWL of Buffalo, New York: Indeed there is! Besides the many questions about traffic which I raised in that entry and which remain unanswered to this day there are others of a highly rewarding nature that I've thought of since. Among them:These are just a few of the questions it will take hundreds of dedicated professional car watchers many, many lifetimes to answer. Why, the one involving the Hooter's waitress alone raises questions that I'm unselfishly prepared to devote 5 or 6 years of my very own life to.
- Exactly how does the flow differ on weekends and holidays?
- How does it change when the schools are taking their summer break?
- Is there a drop-off in traffic when it snows - and is the drop-off directly proportional to the amount of snow that falls?
- Is there an unusual increase in traffic after the snow clears as people rush to make up for lost time - or are some discretionary trips just written off as lost forever?
- Does that legendary half-hour period of time during which there is virtually no traffic at all on my road really exist or was Ponce de Leon really an idiot for losing his life looking for it in Florida?
- Can average car speed be correlated with overall social tension?
- Can the number of driver's with their arms propped up in their open windows be correlated with the temperature?
- Can the number of open convertibles that go by be correlated with some weather report's "comfort index" for the region?
- Can that number of convertibles be used to fine-tune these indexes?
- If a different mix of vehicles goes by a year from now, can we conclude that this year's mix was really different - or was it only apparently so?
- And if we want to create an accident-causing distraction, are we better off to post a "Garage Sale" sign on my lawn, a "Free Head-Climbing Cat" sign, or an obviously lost and naked waitress from Hooter's?
So the question really isn't whether or not traffic research can be a lifelong source of happiness for your son - the real question is, will my new glasses be tax deductible if I tell the IRS I only use them on that waitress?
Ms. LWL of Buffalo: Thank you, Dan - you've certainly enlightened me!
Dear Ms. LWL of Buffalo: Glad to help. And thanks for FedExing that comment the very moment you read my reply so as to enable me to prolong an already deadly dull pseudo-entry.
(Damn, but it's getting cold in here. I suspect that those crafty bandits are trying to freeze me out! Little do they know that they're dealing with someone fortified against the cold with a cat and three tour groups atop his head!!)Continuing just-another-day's normal entry - REALLY! - here's this week's typically lame closer:
Ms. LWL of Shiang Province writes: "Hey, Yanquee Boy! If you really want to attract more mainland Chinese surfers to your effete, bourgeois journal, drop the nuclear weapons mumbo-jumbo and try posting the sexy details of U.S. strategic command and control structure. K-K?? Will improve relations between our two countries, plus nookie in it for you if you quick about it. We got deal???
Dear Ms. LWL of Shiang Province: Hey, you think you can get that kind of information out of me in exchange for nookie?! I'm insulted beyond belief! You'll just have to get in line and wait for that FREE information like everybody else in the People's Republic!|TODAY'S TOP SECRET (u.s. sTRATEGIC cOMMAND aND cONTROL tYPE)|
Although many emerging nuclear powers might be tempted to cut costs by putting complete control of all their thermonuclear warheads and missiles in the hands of a single pig chosen at random, exhaustive American studies conducted over the course of the last 50 years make clear that this is not a wise decision. Turns out that no matter how careful you are, you inevitably risk destroying civilization as we know it and annoying the pig.
(A-ha! The natty uniforms have just hopped into their spiffy van and driven clean away. A quick check reveals that there's actually more dust in my basement than there was before! Could it be radioactive? A variety of Fool's Dust far inferior to my own? Or - dare I think it - the genuine article?? The Real McCoy??? Time to close Lookout Forehead for the day, chip these icicles off my bangs, and go see!!!!!)
(Umm, anyone remember how this basement door thing works again?????)
************************************************************************************************
************************************************************************************************
(All Material Not An Obvious Rip-Off Of Some Aspect Of Western Civilization © 1999 by Dan Birtcher)
(Hey, I'm the writer - the basic laws of physics forced me to stick around to the very end of this shit. What the hell's your excuse??)
