June 2...
1999....
....some
Questions which
haunt my
slumbers...
If an idiot's mother sends him to
school
with an apple and an orange,
won't he waste his entire lunch
period
comparing the two?
Why doesn't Elsie do something to help
the more than 90,000 cows slaughtered
and eaten in America every day?
Is it really true that the Heimlich maneuver
can easily be adapted for use on restaurant patrons
suddenly struck with constipation?
Do dwarfs ever discuss the big issues
or do they just make small talk?
If cookies go stale when I forget
to close their "fresh-seal" packages, why doesn't my trash get fresher
when I forget to use a twist-tie on my garbage bags?
If I can get 3 different grades of gas out of the hose
at my gas station, why should I settle for getting only
one kind of water out of my garden hose?
If Dr. Kevorkian had written
"The Cat In The Hat" instead of Dr. Seuss,
would it have just been entitled "The Hat"?
If I shouldn't stand under a tree
during an electrical storm,
should I really be standing near
my philodendron plant when
my wife's about to flip on a light?
If Adam and Eve had birthmarks,
what did they call them?
Wouldn't my cereal stay crispy longer
if the corn, wheat, and rice it's made out of
had never been exposed to the rain?
If I buy
a calendar for my Grandfather for Christmas
but he dies the following
March, can I return it and get
a refund for the unused part?
If Jack Spratt could eat no fat
and his wife could eat no lean
why didn't they starve to death
after being united in holy matrimony?
Didn't the passage of the first
pure food and drug laws
result in an explosion in the number
of safe crackers?
Did flagpole sitters
climb down to half-mast
when they heard that
FDR had died?
If
shampoo is so good for your hair,
why
is real poo so bad?
When I go to my VCR when it's off
and I press the pause button
why doesn't it do something?
If fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly,
am I obligated to let them use the copier before I do
even though I was ahead of them in line?
If those blind men had been caught
feeling that elephant in Alabama,
would they even have made parole
yet?
How come
the government doesn't require
toilets to beep when they're backing
up?
If beauty is in the eye of the beholder,
why don't we see more staring contests
at art museums?
If a flower grows for every drop
of rain that falls.
do redwoods suffer a growth spurt
when it hails?
Is it true that AT&T invented Caller ID and
first installed it on the White House Hot Line to Moscow
the day Gerald Ford became President?
When pigs have wings and beggars can ride
will I have to be the one to take my ugly
sister
to the prom?
When the ancient Romans signed documents
with an X, did everyone think they were claiming to be 10 years old?
If eggs are full of cholesterol
and cholesterol leads to heart attacks
how come I've never seen an episode of "ER"
in which they feverishly applied those
electrified paddles to the chest of a
chicken having a coronary?
Why should I sign up with any long-distance phone
company when they all tell me right up front that they can't even
handle my local calls?
If a train leaving New Jersey and heading west at 55 mph
and a train leaving Los Angeles and heading east at 70
mph
can meet in St. Louis at a certain time,
why can't I make ends meet just sitting in my room?
If gravity is proportional to mass
why don't I attract more girls the more I eat?
Do worms insult each other by saying,
"You're too stupid to know to come out when it rains!"?
Is it really safe for me to run my gas stove
for hours at a time
without a co-pilot light?
If a pretty girl
is like a melody,
is whistling a tune the equivalent of oral
sex?
And does that make whistling
past the cemetery a form of necrophilia?
If one book in a set comes back to the library so drunk that its print
is all blurry,
do its friends rush to keep it from getting in trouble with its mates
by concocting a really sharp
cover story?
If time is money, how come the bus drivers
never accept the 20 minutes I spend on their vehicles every day
as payment in full for the ride?
If a roofer falls for a pretty girl walking by,
does etiquette require him to pay the bill
to have the blood stains removed from her dress?
If even the most complex languages
can be translated into one another by the
experts at the U.N., why can't the simplest
of vegetables?
If Pinocchio's nose really grew whenever he told a lie,
can we ever really trust a character like Dumbo?
If light travels so much faster than sound,
why are the mouths and the words
of the people I talk to
always in sync?
When people with multiple personalities get mail addressed to "Occupant"
who opens it?
If they ring church bells at weddings
why isn't there a gong outside divorce courts?
When crematorium operators are audited by the IRS,
do they finally have to reveal their gross urnings?
Should I be happy or not that when I told my wife
I was flying to Europe without her on business,
she knitted me a parachute?
Should I be happy or not that this parachute matches
the
life preserver she knitted me for my business cruise
to the Bahamas?
How come I've seen hundreds of "man stuck on a desert island" cartoons but I've never seen a single cartoonist putting down his or her pen and going to the poor castaway's rescue?
.....back to a simpler dream.....
(all questions © 1999 by Dan Birtcher and his sleep-released Id)
