"You know, sometimes I'm really embarrassed to be your associate."
     Pet, Jester - you're my pet.
     "Whatever you choose to call me in your deluded state, sometimes I'm really, really embarrassed to be seen in the same journal with you."
     That means a lot, coming from an animal who drops and licks his butt in the middle of the kitchen table when company is over.
     "I believe that was your sister who did that."
     I've got Polaroids, Jess.  Both here and in a safe deposit box you'll never get your paws on.
     "What?  You digitally cut and pasted my head onto your sister's body?  You'll never fool a soul.  People are too sophisticated in this day and age, buddy boy."
     Would these be the same people who are enchanted by Jesse Ventura?
     "Doh!"
     Go get the mail now like a good cat and maybe I'll keep your kitchen table perversions off the front page of the National Enquirer a little longer.
     "Can I be excused from work today?  I'm gay."
     You've been fixed, Jess.  Neutered.  You can't be gay.
     "I knew a dog once who'd been fixed and he was bi."
     Oh?
     "Yeah, he humped people's right and leg legs."
     Well, you're not bi, Jess.  You're not gay.  You're more the self-propelled speed bump type.  But even if you were gay, it wouldn't excuse you from getting the mail.
     "Well, if being gay isn't an excuse to get out of work, what good is it?"
     Get the mail.  Or would you rather explain to me how a rumor got started that I failed my driving test 497 times?
     "Well, lookie here - you've got mail!"
     Anything good?
     "Just another notice from the journal auditors.  Seems your words still don't add up."
     You know, I passed my driving test on my second try, Jess.
     "How interesting.  Oh, look - a birdie!"
     I would have passed it on the first try, but the guy who was lending me his car to take the test showed up at the test with a completely different car than the one he'd been teaching me how to drive on.
     "Do we have any mayo?"
     He said, hey - I taught you on a station wagon.  THIS car is so much smaller.  It'll be easier.
     "Does this mayo smell funny to you?"
     If they don't want you to hit the cones, they should keep safe 'em inside and not out in the parking lot without proper supervision, that's what I say.  Anyway, the second time I was better prepared and I passed with flying colors.
     "Did you buy the kid a new box of crayons to replace the ones you sent flying?"
     Of course I was 20 then, not 16, so I had better hand-eye coordination than most of the first-time applicants the examiners see.  The woman who'd scored my road test was so impressed, in fact, it took three of her co-workers to help her from the car.
     "You know, I think this mustard smells bad, too."
     Not that I've ever used my license for anything other than buying beer for my younger roommate in college.  I've just never liked cars much.  And I doubt that I will until our legislators finally wise up and impose a nationwide 15 mph speed limit like I want them to.
     "Not the ants again.  Please, God - "
     At 15 mph, the ants in the road at least have a chance.
     "AARRRGGGHHHH!"
     What's the matter, Jess?  Mayo smell bad to ya again?  HEY, LEAVE THAT BIRDIE ALONE!
     "Sigh....  Why is there never a humane society euthanizer around when ya really need one?"
     Cheer-up, Big Guy.  There's a fresh quarter cup of hard, dry food in your bowl as of - now!
     "Swell.  Just do me one favor before I bite into this electrical cord.  Tell me what the hell a dacrygelosis is, and why would it want a febrifuge???"
     A dacrygelosis is a mental disorder characterized by extreme swings in mood.  A febrifuge is a medicine, especially one that reduces fever.
     "So a febrifuge for dacrygelosis is...?"
     A medicine for extreme mood swings.
     "And this entry qualifies how again?"
     It cures extreme mood swings by bringing people down and keeping them there.
     "Ahhhh.  Finally - a title that's both silly and true!  Just one more thing."
     What?
     "Exactly how old is this mayo?  Don't you ever look at the list I make for you before you go to the store?!"
     You know, I learned a couple other fascinating new words today.  Nikin means "a very soft creature."  Pantophobia means "fear of everything" - apparently even of nikins.
     "Whoopie.  Now if I ever write our life stories, I'll be all set."
     But I'm not afraid of you!
     "That'll change if you don't start reading my damn lists!"
     Yeah, right.  Now put that jar down and go get some nummy wummy hard, dry food.  Go on.  Put that jar down.  Put that - AARRGH!
     "Wait - let me write that down.  AARRGH! - 'the sound of one learning proper respect for his cat.'  Best one yet!"
     We'll continue this discussion after I get this hard, dry cat food out of my nose, you beast!
     "I'll be on the kitchen table, waiting."