Fri., July 2, 1999I've been trying to get to know July a little better.
Did you know that, unlike June, it's the seventh month? And that it'll remain the seventh month for its entire length without any help whatsoever from any other month?
Did you know that it has 4 letters, just like June, but manages to get twice as many syllables out of them?
Did you know that it used to be 35 days long before it had week reduction surgery to end the embarrassment of having its sides hanging out of dated memo pads on desks all across America?
Did you know that government studies have now confirmed that it's one of the top 10 months for pool usage?As amazing as all these facts are, it's that last one that really caught my attention. It's hard for me to believe that any month is one of the top 10 when it comes to pool usage. Why? Because it's hard for me to believe that people actually still have pools, at least here in Ohio.
In Ohio pools can only be used comfortably about 4 months of the year (there being 12 months in most years, but the flow of time may vary in your area so please be sure to consult your local zoning board before actually buying a pool yourself).
Much of those 4 months are not exactly pool-friendly, either. Many hours are consumed by darkness. Others are pock-marked with thunderstorms. Of the pool-friendly times that remain, most find the pool owner stuck at work making the money needed to pay for the pool or out of town on vacation forgetting that work at a free beach that has millions of times more water than any pool not created by a Great Dane.
Bottom line: If you own a pool in Ohio, you might get to use it 6 days a summer - if you can shoo the neighbors out of it and remembered to buy a swimming suit the 3 weeks in January the stores offer them.A simple drive around my area reveals many pools which appear not to have been used since paleolithic Indians hunters enticed mastodons into them with scantily clad maidens and pitchers of beer, only to kill and eat them after they'd gotten drunk and drowned.
But appearances can be deceiving. Closer inspection reveals these pools to be no older than the invention of concrete, vinyl liners, and inflatable life preservers which genetic engineering has allowed us to grow in the shape of various sea monsters. The basic fact remains the same: These pools are not being used.
And yet my newspaper tells me that the average cost of an in-ground pool is now over $20,000!
And thousands more are being built every day!
This is just amazing. When I was a boy I lived in an apartment above a hardware store. There was no room for an in-ground pool once we found out that this would interfere with the hardware store's lighting fixtures, so my mother got me one of those small, inflatable wading pools and put it on the small back porch we shared with the paint delivery men. This small pool gave rise to an annual summer ritual: I would beg Mom to get out my pool and fill it, Mom would spend considerable time and energy getting it out and filling it, I would sit in the thing for about 5 minutes before getting bored and abandoning it, then Mom would spend considerable time and energy beating the hell out of me for having wasted her money, time, and energy.
I shudder to think what she might have done had she actually put in a $20,000 in-ground pool and I ended up using it as little as most people.
Why most people don't just get themselves a small inflatable wading pool and not use it instead of an in-ground pool like I did is beyond me....One bright note: My newspaper tells me that pools of a uniform depth of 4 feet are now far more popular than the traditional ones with bottom that slopes from about 2' at one end to the Mariana Trench at the other.
This has inspired me to imagine other possible alternatives to going off the deep end.My simplest idea consists of putting a filter system on a glass of Coke or iced tea and being content with that. Watching the filter system is one of the chief pleasures of having a pool, after all, and this adaptation would be cheap, portable, and have the delightful side effect of reducing the number of bugs we swallow as we attempt to quench a thirst without looking both ways before slurping.
My second idea is to buy a 10' by 20' piece of blue indoor-outdoor carpeting, put that down in the yard, surround it with a 1' border of throw rugs, and let the good times roll. People going by in their cars won't be able to tell the difference, while people actually tempted to take a swim needn't wait an hour after eating.
My third idea is for people who prefer traditional above-ground pools. Instead of settling for an old-fashioned blue vinyl liner, why not get one which has photo-imprinted on it a million or so eyes? This will make every adult swimmer feel like an Olympic finalist while simultaneously scaring away kids who might be tempted to take a dip without proper supervision.
My final suggestion is for people who don't really want a pool at all but would enjoy a bit of ever-popular pool poetry properly adapted for their own needs and home. This poetry would be printed up on a cute little sign they could hang on the side of their bathroom and would read thusly:We Don't Pee In Your Pool
Please Don't Swim In Our ToiletBut all this writing has caused me to work up quite a sweat.
Time to dive back into my bed and take a few more laps 'round my dreams....
Back To A Simpler Past Home Where The Entries
Are Dripping Stupid
(All Material Splashes ©1999 by Dan Birtcher)
