NOTICE: The Surgeon General has determined that a false warning was posted in this journal yesterday in his name.  Should this happen again, the Surgeon General would appreciate being made aware of the fact so that he might immediately give the person(s) responsible 30 cc's of whoop ass. 

P.S. - The Surgeon General, made permanently cranky by this entire matter, demands that you stop smoking NOW before he punches you right in the face.

P.P.S. - You don't even want to know what he's going to do if you don't start practicing safe sex IMMEDIATELY.

     I've been told that the U.S. has more lawyers than the rest of the world combined.  I'm not sure who was foolish enough to combine the rest of the world in the first place, but I now have reason to believe that what I've been told about lawyers is true.  No sooner had I posted yesterday's entry than I was hit by 5 lawsuits and a spare pair of pants.  Although I've since been reassured that that pair of pants wallop was an accident, I have my doubts.  I always do....

     In an effort to defuse the legal entanglements I now find myself in, there are a few things I want to say, right here and right now.

     First, with regard to the lawsuit officially known as "Jester vs. Weird Guy": 
     I misspoke yesterday when I referred to my cat's diarrhea as being of sufficient quantity as to chase my neighbors to their rooftop.  In truth, Jess only managed to flood my laundry room, my basement, and a low corner of my attic.  No, I don't know how that attic got involved when so much of my main floor was not, but I think a certain, understandable kicking motion of his back left paw may have had something to do with it.  In any case, I did NOT mean to make fun of a poor suffering creature's medical condition (which probably resulted from the strict toilet-training procedures known as das Toepfen that Jess was subjected to when he was just a kitten in East Germany).  I did NOT mean to suggest that it would unduly strain my township's fire department to rescue my neighbors from their roof.  And I did NOT mean to imply that cat diarrhea is a fit topic for a journal entry.  If you happen to be a child, a rebellious teenager, or an impressionable adult, PLEASE DON'T USE YESTERDAY'S ENTRY AS A GUIDE FOR HOW TO WRITE YOUR OWN ONLINE JOURNAL.
     P.S. to Jester: Even if you win, bud, there's no way in hell I can afford to pay you 50 million bags of Whisker Lickin's for emotional distress.  You'd just flood out Indiana if I did anyway!

     Second, with regard to the lawsuit officially known as "John Doe vs. His Slandering Twin Brother, a.k.a. Weird Guy":
     I misspoke yesterday when I claimed that my twin had suffered a severe brain attack requiring that an emergency angioplasty be performed on his blocked imagination.  I do not actually have a twin, several years older than me or otherwise, and I deeply regret leaving anyone with the impression that I do.  I hope that this public disclaimer will relieve that twin of all embarrassing connection with me and that he will hereby drop his lawsuit.  If not, well, I at least hope the doctors may one day provide him with an IQ transplant sufficient to make him realize that filing a lawsuit under a pseudonym like "John Doe" is hardly enough to conceal your identity when you are, after all, filing it against your own twin.

     Third, with regard to the lawsuit officially known as "The Entire Ant Kingdom vs. Rude & Ugly Mammal Man":
     It has come to my attention that ants do NOT carry rabies.  Apparently their mandibles are simply incapable of latching onto this viral illness, let alone of lifting and carrying it to some place where an unsuspecting human might become infected.  In fact, I have it now on good authority that ants are among the cleanest, most disease-free creatures on the face of my patio, and I deeply, deeply regret suggesting that the goofiness I displayed yesterday was to any extent whatsoever the result of an ant biting my finger and injecting a deadly toxic agent into my bloodstream. 
     I love ants.  Many of my best friends have been ants or have worn ant-inspired attire in homage.  They've been my role models ever since I realized back in 3rd grade that I was born to wander around aimlessly on a large cement slab such as forms an integral part of the patio I now have.  I sincerely hope that yesterday's unfortunate comments here do not negatively impact on my application for an ant mentor to teach me the finer points of this aimless wandering (or "sinful gallivanting" as the streetcorner preachers yell at each and every passing insect).  If it does, well, I'm truly truly sorry and I don't know what I will do.  It probably will not involve a can of "Raid" and/or big boots, however.  So I hope that the plaintiffs will just try to put that thought out of their minds as they ponder pursuing this matter further.

     Fourth, with regard to the lawsuit officially known as "Dimitri From Paris vs. Idiot In Ohio":
     Although I may have appeared to be endorsing Monsieur Dimitri's music yesterday, I really wasn't.  I know from past experience and the restraining orders filed against me by such groups as Hooverphonic, Air, Zero One, and The Starseeds that an endorsement from me would only drive sales down, if not outright kill a career.  Both Kelloggs and General Mills, after all, are paying me never to mention again that my favorite breakfast consists of a mixture of Gold*n Grah*ms and Cr*spix cereals.  I hope to soon close a deal with several major car companies in which I promise never, ever to endorse their vehicles, but the less said about that, the better.  
     I like Dimitri - very much.  Therefore, why would I ever knowingly embarrass him or cause him harm by publicly revealing this fact?  It is sheer lunacy.
     I humbly suggest that he redirect his suit against my evil twin.

     Fifth, with regard to the lawsuit officially known as "Angelfire vs. Egregious Space Waster":
     I know that this is my 92nd entry.  I know that when I first launched this journal I promised to include within it at least one element with socially redeeming value.  I know that none of those 92 entries has yet included that element, and that yesterday's entry included it least of all.  I shall now attempt to make amends, even though I'm still not quite sufficiently warmed up.
     Here goes.
     Last night the CBS Evening News ran a story about guns in America which contained several intriguing facts.  Here they are:
     The Supreme Court has not ruled on our right to keep and bear arms since 1939.  At that time it said that that right applied to militias and state "national guard" forces - not individuals.  The courts have apparently never overturned a gun control law on the grounds of its being unconstitutional.  So if your name is Charlton Heston, it's just about time for you to shut the fuck up about this.
     Furthermore, although we have this image in our heads of colonial Americans being great gun owners and users, the fact is that fewer than 5% of people back then owned guns.  Guns were rare and expensive items.  Only the rich and professional hunters hunted.  Everyone else got along just fine without them, thank you very much. 
     What's more, many states back then had much stricter gun control laws than we do today.  They had these laws before the second amendment to the Constitution.  They had these laws afterwards.  Laws which banned slaves, free blacks, propertyless whites, all Catholics, and all other non-Protestants from owning any gun whatsoever.  When the NRA and others say that the founding fathers meant to defend the right of teenagers, drunks, idiots, and others from owning Uzis today, they're, like, out and out bonkers, ok?  Maybe we need to subject NRA spokespeople to mandatory drug tests before they can say another word.
     There.  That ought to get Angelfire off my back.

     As for any possible plagiarism suits from CBS - I think I just saw my twin brother running through the back yard.  If you hurry, I think you just might be able to catch up with him in Indiana before the flood.