Mon., Aug. 23, 1999
"Time stops
for no man -
but it
does slow down and honk at fabulous babes."
- 1,001 Mind Slaps
For The Optimist In Your Life
Today is my 81st half-birthday. Seems like only yesterday
I was worried about turning 40. Now I find it's already time to remember
to cringe as I tell all the real adults on this planet that I'm 40 and
a half when they ask.
That's more than four times as many fingers as I've managed to grow
in my free time, for cripe's sake!
Where will this madness end?!
Try as I might to understand, I just don't know where the last 6 months
have gone. I have no idea at all. Which just goes to
show what a waste of time it was for me to inject each every single week
with 475 cc's of radioactive iodine and buy a fluoroscope on the Home Shopping
Network....
Anyway, thanks to everyone who took the time to send me half
a birthday card today. That was a real funny idea, especially the
first three times I opened an envelope and half a card fell out.
I now have them all lined up around the half a birthday cake my wife made
me. And I even managed to not topple a single one as I blew out my
81 half-candles. Hey, I may be ancient but I still have excellent
breath control! See
? That question mark is precisely 18 spaces from the last
"e" in "See" thanks to a single well-regulated little puff. And yes,
I can be persuaded to repeat this feat at bar mitzvahs and weddings for
a small fee plus travel expenses, overnight accommodations, and a case
of champagne for me and my lighting crew.
Still haven't decided how to spend the half a ten dollar bill a friend
rather half-heartedly gave to me this morning after I good-naturedly razzed
him a bit for pretending to forget my semi-big day. As usual, it
comes down to a choice between the real cool things in the Target flyer
I got on Sunday.
The shaggy "It" table lamp is awfully tempting. Brushed metal base
with faux fur shade. I think I prefer the turquoise faux fur to the
white, but do I really prefer either to the inflatable blue couch with
the chrome-colored pillows? And what about the inflatable backpacks
on page 21? Or that model painting her nails with her feet up in
the air on page 3? Could she be persuaded to polish half of my nails
for half a ten dollar bill?
Too many choices! I have half a mind just to put my windfall towards
half a savings bond and be done with it.
Then again, what I could really use right now is a shawl, a mat,
and a nap....
Right after a few crackers with jam.
Hey, it's my half-birthday - might as well go live it up!
ATTENTION!
Scientists
now suspect that between 4 and 8 per cent of the stars in the Milky Way
have swallowed a planet. If YOU see a star about to swallow a planet
- or even just acting strangely - please contact your local authorities
IMMEDIATELY!
Signs
that a star might be about to swallow a planet include the following:
-
A
sudden change in brightness
-
A
sudden increase in spin
-
A
tendency to blame the solar system for all its problems (i.e., sunspots,
poor coloration, slow hydrogen-helium conversion rate)
-
Refusal
to form constellations with other stars
-
Expressions
of hostility directed at the galactic center or the cosmos in general
-
Sudden
hoarding of life-giving rays
-
Unexplained
solar flaring
-
Threats
to go supernova
If
you see ANY of these warning signs in ANY star, DO NOT take action yourself.
First, go to a safe location - preferably in another galaxy - then call
911. Trained astronomers, astrophysicists, and cosmologists are standing
by to help - but they can't help if you don't ask! So remember:
"A
Call In Time Can Save Nine!"®
Space
for this public service reminder freely donated by "Almost A Jester's Journal"
in
grateful recognition of the help its author once received from Carl Sagan
in the apprehension and conviction of a stalking comet.
|
