- Story in yesterday's newspaper, page 2

     Hey, Jester Cat - listen to this.  A 36-year-old company president in Tokyo just paid more for a little bug than I've made in my entire life!
     "Yeah?  What's his name - Goshiama Goofball?"
     It doesn't say.  Seems he's afraid a thief will break in and steal his new prized possession if it gets out.
     "Ha!  If it gets out, it's more likely to be stepped on by the first person with any sense that it encounters."
     Well, it might have to go quite a ways for that.  Apparently beetles, crickets, and other bugs hold a very special place in a lot of Japanese hearts.
     "Remind me to go to New York if I ever need a transplant."
     Thieves actually broke into a beetle shop over there earlier this year and made off with more than $67,000 worth of the little beasties!  You'd think they'd take better precautions, eh?  Maybe etch ID numbers on their bellies to make 'em harder to fence.  Gee, I hope they weren't working for a chop shop!
     "I know a cafeteria where those burglars could have made twice as much just by ordering the daily special."
     Hmmm.  A story like this can really make you stop and think, can't it?
     "What?  I'm sorry - I was almost sound asleep."
     Be back in a second.
     "I bid $100,000 for a can of tuna.  You do take personal checks - right?"
     Back!  Now just hold still....
     "Hey!  Wait a minute!  This smells more like your sister's cooking than tuna!!"
     It's shoe polish.  Now just hold -
     "HEY!"
     There!  Now just let that dry a bit and your fur will look exactly like a shiny black exoskeleton.  Very chic this season, I hear!
     "WHAT?!  Why, I haven't been so insulted since you broke out the Pampers and entered me in that Ugly Baby Contest at the mall last winter!"
     And we would have won, too, if you hadn't clawed through your swaddling clothes at the worst possible moment!  This time we'll be playing for the big money, fella, so don't blow it. 
     "NOW what are you doing?!  What are those things?!?!"
     Deely Bobbers.  Boy, am I ever glad I remembered where I buried that pair I stole back in '83.  Time and dirt have turned 'em the perfect color, too!
     "Get 'em off me!  Get 'em off me!"
     There's a case of tuna in this for you, you know.
     "Chirp!  Chirp!  Oh, chirp!  Boy, this rubbing your back legs together without getting your tail caught sure is tiring - better make it two cases."
     Oh, that reminds me - I need to tie that thing down.
     "Do WHAT?!"
     There!  Stag beetles don't have tails, Jess.  Sorry.  I'll cut the tape holding it to your left leg the moment you get back.  Just remember to, ah, you know - go right.
     "What do you mean, 'Get back'??"
     Well, dear, think about it: How many beetle-crazy Japanese do you know living in Ohio?
     "Let me get this straight: You've smeared my beautiful fur with shoe polish, you've seriously infringed on my right to be cute by putting these damn bobbing balls on my head, you've taped my tail to my bad leg, and now you tell me I'm going to Japan like this?"
     Just until you make your escape and fearlessly find your way back home like those lesser cats I read about in the newspaper all the time. 
     "Those lesser cats never had to swim the Pacific Ocean weighed down by tape, kitsch, and hardened petroleum by-products!!!"
     They'll be two cases of tuna waiting for you.
     "Hey - there better be three, pal!  AND a new squeak toy!"
     You got it, buddy.
     "And if I find there's been ANYONE or ANYTHING using my own private litterbox while I've been gone - "
     I give you my word of honor - both Amy and I will do our best to control temptation.  Now hold still while I photograph you for eBay.
     "Mousies."
     What?
     "It's what we cats say instead of 'cheese' - though now that I have said 'cheese' why don't you get me some before the thought goes to waste?"
     Hey, good idea.  After all, a fat stag beetle is a more valuable stag beetle.
     "Oh, chirp off."
     Let's see...  You're already 18" long.  That should be worth $540,000 to the right bug nut.  That's $30,000 an inch!  Need some milk to wash that pound of Colby down, sweetie?
     "Ohhhh, yessssssssssssssss...."
     No!  Wait!  STOP!  Your milky drool is causing your shoe polish to run!  Your furious lapping is putting way too much stress on those antique Bobbers!! DOH!!
     *DRIP! CRACK! BURP!*
     So much for THAT idea.... *Sigh*
     "Don't worry - I'm sure a genius like you will come up with another one just as good real soon."
     Yeah, like right now I'm thinking that if Free Willy ever needs a stunt double, you'll be a shoe-in.
     "Shhh!  Been there, done that.  And I still don't know nothing about those missing mmackerel extras." 
     Only one m in mackerel, Jess.
     "Are you kidding?  There's ten big mmmm's in every bite!  Ooops!"
     Heehee!  Come here and let me pet you to a high sheen, you crazy furry beast, you....
     "Hey, I was going to go all the way to Japan for you - the least you can do is haul your butt a few feet over here for me!"
     You got it, Jess.
     "Just flick your own personal bug collection off your shoulder first."
     AARRGGHH!
     "Stupid humans...."