Almost September, 1999 and I can finally hear a train a-comin' too now.
     The train of a New Millennium. 
     They say it's about a thousand boxcars long but you couldn't prove it by me.  I'm too busy trying to get my ass off the tracks to take a count. 

     It's not that I'm afraid of being hit.  No, no - it would take more than a speedin' millennium to scare this boy who has been struck square in the head by the last four decades of the 20th century and survived. 
     What really scares me is that Y2K thing. 
     Oh, I'm not worried that computers will freeze and planes will crash and we'll all end up fighting one another with sticks and rocks in the cold and the dark for the last few crumbs of Chips Ahoy.  What has me shitless is the suspicion that nothing at all unusual will happen and January 1 will turn out to be one more big, fat disappointment in an unending string of 'em.
     First the moon landings. 
     Then the Bicentennial.
     Then the second season of "Twin Peaks."
     How much more disappointment can one guy be expected to take?!
     Well, this is history's very last chance to impress me.  I spent 30 years of my life waiting for World War III and/or Doomsday to save me from the Ford administration, disco, Ebola, and intense peer pressure to get my tongue pierced.  If the world's still here 137 days from now, that's it!  I'm gonna start living my life any boring old way I can instead of waiting for the cosmos to end it in a halfways interesting fashion.

     Having a bit of extra energy and time today, I thought I might start preparing myself for the looming disappointment of January.  You know - stockpile a few decks of cards, buy a new snow shovel, send in a card for a free Victoria's Secret catalog just so I'm not left with no way to dig myself out of a deep funk like those poor optimistic saps who are counting on an exhilarating ride down the tubes come New Year's Day.
     I hear that the feds are printing up an extra $50 billion of cash as part of their own preparations.  If I have time, I think I'll start doing that tomorrow myself.  At the moment, the only other thing I can think of to do to make the new millennium a bit more interesting without having to leave my seat is to make the following declaration:

     I have several reasons for doing this.
     First, I can do it without leaving my seat.
     Second, shortening the forms of common words and names is an old tradition in my culture.  "Rock and Roll" became known as just "Rock."  Buddy became "Bud."  Oliver Wendell Holmes is now referred to in all the history books as "dead."  It'll be interesting for me to try keeping a tradition alive for once in my life.
     Third, it will mean a definite change in my life.  It won't matter if the banks don't fail.  It won't matter if all 107 nuclear power plants in the U.S. keep humming along quite peacefully.  Come January 1, Alaska will become Laska in my world no matter what.  I find that extremely comforting.
     Fourth, if good comes to best and there's an unexpectedly intriguing breakdown in social order, I'll be doing my part to conserve our rapidly dwindling supplies of ink. 
     Fifth, I'm really, really excited already at the prospect of referring to residents in the Empire State as "Ew Orkers."
     Want to share in the excitement?  Just look over the following list and savor the magnitude of what I'm going to do as well as the many interesting possible state mottos it might inspire:
 

     And as exciting and refreshing as it would be to see these names on maps and license plates, just imagine how much more fun it would be to watch TV weather people try to pronounce 'em or postal workers attempt to deliver our bills to us! 
     And I haven't even mentioned Ashington, I.O., or those states-in-waiting Uerto Ico and Anada!!
     That's why I hope everyone will start taking precautions against Y2K disappointment NOW by adopting these name changes themselves and then urge their representatives to make them official.
     After all: The interest in the next 1000 years that you save just may be your own!