"It takes 43 muscles to frown but only 17 to smile.  So, for good cardiovascular health, frown as often and as hard as you can.  If you're a typical happy, lazy American, it just might extend your life.  It certainly will make it seem as if you've been around longer than you really have been to all those you know and meet."

- Excerpt from my unpublished self-help book, "Aerobic Grimacing: Gateway To Immortality (Or At Least To Many Endless Afternoons)"
 

     A lot of online journallers seem to enjoy presenting long lists of pet peeves as if bringing others down with their silly complaints is a valid way to make themselves feel better.  Not me.  The following long list is presented merely to show others the sorts of things I never want to receive as a gift.  The effect this knowledge has on them is of no concern to me at all.
     And, in all honesty, it's easier to draw up a long list of pet peeves here and release them into cyberspace than to pack them up and haul them all the way out to my county's one decent metropark, only to be fined by a ranger for the third time this year.
     Now before overly long introductions rear up and bite me on the ass as my newest pet peeves are wont to do, here's my list:

• Movies and TV shows which show houses with open windows but no screens.  Like I have any time or energy left for plot and theme after worrying about all the bugs getting in!
• People who wear T-shirts with writing on them in public, then get mad when I mistake them for a book and try to flip through their pages.
• Women who wait until after the wedding to tell me, "I'm sorry - I never have sex in a first marriage."
• Having to constantly recall that the hot water faucet is on the left and the cold water faucet is on the right.  Why don't they just put a hot water faucet and a cold water faucet on each side?  Faucets are a lot easier to put in than a hot tub or a jacuzzi, after all, and you don't have to lean over as much to suck water from them when it's time to rinse after brushing.
• Numbered newspaper pages.  Do they have to number every single one?!  Can't journalists leave some mystery in the world for us to enjoy??
• Paper cuts are bad and make it onto many people's list of pet peeves.  Surgeons who use the edge of their paper name tag because they're just too lazy to reach or ask for a scalpel are worse and make it onto mine. 
• Telemarketers who invariably call while I'm trying to study for my prostate exam.
• Microsoft VCRs.  If you think it's bad when uninstalling a program still leaves bits of code all over your hard drive, try watching a TV with bits of scenes from your last 30 tape rentals cluttering up the screen.
• Being told to go jump in the lake before I've had the chance to completely dry out from the last time.
• Readers who expect me to tell the truth here.  I don't tell my family, my imaginary friends, or my cat the truth.  Imagine how angry they would be if they caught me giving it away for free to complete strangers!

     Well, gee....  That didn't last long.
     Thank goodness there's still online sand art!