OK.  Alright.  Deep breath.  I can do this.  It's just gonna be short and sweet and - most of all - quiet.  I MUST remember to type very, very quietly...!
     There are six (6!) Canada geese right outside my office window - right now!  The window is open.  I don't have the courage to go close it.  My wife isn't home so I can't innocently ask her to close it for me.  My voice would probably crack, anyway.  The only thing I can do is try to be as still and quiet as possible as I record what might well be my last words....
     No fair encouraging the geese to hurry up and eat me.

     Just the other day an Ontario friend told me in an email all about Canada geese.  I was under the impression that they were soft, polite creatures.  Ha! Here's the truth which the American media has kept from me all my life:

     Dear Ontario Friend: Greetings from occupied Ohio.  Really, really wish you were here!

     This goose business is just the latest eye-opener rude Nature has inflicted on me in the past few days. 
     On Thursday my newspaper let slip that there are an estimated 145,000 wild turkeys in my state.  I had no idea!  I've never seen one, let alone 145,000, but then I have been known to overlook guests sitting in my own living room.  Still, people get overlooked all the time, especially if they're not obviously strutting and gobbling.  How the hell can I live in a state for decades and miss 145,000 feathered beasts underfoot??
     Let's take this one step at a time.
     There are 88 counties in Ohio.  Dividing 145,000 by 88 gives us... 1647.77273 wild turkeys per county.  Maybe 10 or 100 times more, since we really can't trust dumb birds to get the decimal in the right spot.  That's a lot of dark meat to miss, even if I do only wear my glasses half the time and lost my sense of smell in the Great Cafeteria Food Fight of 1976. 
     How am I ever going to comprehend this turkey business?  I'm still having trouble believing that there are exactly as many counties in Ohio as there are keys on a piano.  Coincidence?  Ha!  There are no coincidences!  The real question - the one I've been wrestling with for 26 years now - is: 
     What key corresponds to my county?
     I think I have it narrowed down to the 87 keys to the left, but who knows?  Maybe the gypsy fortune teller I consulted would have said any damn thing just to get my $50....

     Then yesterday - oh terrible day! - I read that stray cats in this country alone are estimated to kill 4.4 million songbirds every 24 hours!  By midnight tonight, yet another virtual avian Holocaust will have unfolded.
     This doesn't take into account the many small mammals that get caught up in a pouncing hell of teeth of claws as they attempt to go about their small mammal business. 
     A single free-ranging feline may kill as many as 1000 times a year.
     To quote the rough draft of the philosophical paper I'm planning to write on the subject: "AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

     Oopps.  I think I've just attracted the attention of the biggest goose of all.  And he seems to have 16 friends with him now!  The equivalent of an entire battalion, right outside my office!!
     I'm too young to be goosed to death!!!!
     Please - send help! 
     And if you can't send help, at least send lubrication.