The easiest job I ever had was handling public relations for this, the tenth month of the year.  I actually wrote the above ad back in 1982, but it never ran.  Even the briefest research revealed that people just naturally love October.  My attempts to organize a marketing campaign to deepen that love were quickly revealed to be as superfluous and unnecessary as those huge "Don't Forget To Breath Today!" billboards I once convinced the state of Iowa to put up for about 5 minutes....

     In truth, what's not to love about October?  Pleasant days for daydreaming, cool nights for cuddling, colorful trees, Halloween.  Best client I ever had.
     So of course my boss quickly switched me to the hari-kari account.  Have YOU ever tried to sell the masses on the joys of ritual self-disembowelment?  Skimpily-clad models, catchy jingles, a "Just do it!"-style slogan - nothing worked.  I was given an immediate early retirement after two days, complete with a set of hari-kari knives instead of the traditional (but only somewhat more useful) gold watch.
     October has been a bittersweet time for me ever since....

     I know what you're thinking.  You're dying to ask, "What's October really like?"  I know because people always ask me that as soon as they learn that October and I once had a professional relationship.  And I'm always happy to say "October was as nice in the office as it is in the woods - just a tad less flamboyant."  And to the second question people always ask then, the answer is "No - October is not gay, just a great deal less inhibited than the months around it."  Not everything that's creative and uninhibited has a basis in homosexuality, after all.  But so what if it did?  This is simply not a proper basis on which to pass judgment on a time period, or anything else....
     Not that the October I knew up close and personal was perfect.  For example, I bet you didn't know that October harbors both dandelions and robins.  Well, it's true - at least during its visits to Ohio.  Although the schools would have us believe that March and maybe summer have a monopoly on these things, the fact is that they're wrong.  And if a teacher ever smacks your hand for putting dandelions and robins in your portrait of October as my hand was once smacked, you have my permission to scream bloody murder in triplicate....

     Another thing you probably don't know about October: It spits out cherry tomatoes by the dozen.  In fact, just before I sat down to write this, I opened my back door to sniff the fresh October air and had 42 cherry tomatoes hit me right in the face.  True, that's less than half of the 90 that pelted my ass back on Sept. 6 as I lazily wandered my garden, but for a fall month best known for falling leaves I'd say it's pretty darn spectacular.  They all came off my one cherry tomato plant, too - how about that?  The same plant that has now given us no fewer than 725 cherry tomatoes since I had the first one of the year splat me in the back of the head on June 28.

     As exciting as tomatoes and October are, however, the real excitement in my life the last two days has been the postcard I found in my p.o. box yesterday.  Yes, Cricket, your greeting from Canada finally arrived after a mere 9 days.  That's 9 days to travel 240 miles, mind you, or about 27 miles a day.  That works out to a breathtaking speed of just over 1 mile per hour!
     I can only imagine what incredible speeds this card might have attained had its addresser marked "USA" on it somewhere instead of just assuming Canadian postal people intuitively know that Ohio is not a province of mainland China.

      Only problem now is that my cat, Jester, is so jealous, he's refusing to talk to me.  That's really not so bad on the weekend, but Monday night they'll be running a new "Jeopardy!" and I really will miss his slipping me a few answers as I attempt to outscore my wife (or "Your Goddess With A Masters Degree" as she insists I call her). 
     So, here's the deal: Send Jester a postcard in an effort to restore him to his old happy chatty self and I'll post a big THANK YOU here from both of us.  I'll even post the card itself if you like (and it's reasonably clean).  And I'll even see to it that ol' Speed Bump (as we affectionately call Jess) sends you an Ohio postcard in return (provided you help him out a bit by including a reasonably real return address).
     Just try getting a deal like that out of Ed McMahon or Dick Clark!
     Oh, yeah - postcards should be sent to:

     If you want to send the cash equivalent of a postcard, that's ok, too - I'll be sure to take Jess to our local card shop and let him pick out something nice with you in mind. 

     But I gotta go.  October seems to be getting strangely dark on me this evening.  I hope it's not the picture tube!