Turning to face him, i could see the warmth that was taking over his entire face. He tugged the side of his pants down, and dropped his gaze to my feet. "i...i...oh shit...i'm sorry," he mumbled. i was somewhat surprised, yet sympathy washed over my face for him, "It's ok," i whispered. "No, no it isn't....," he was still talking to my legs. "Taylor, it's all right, damn...don't be embarrassed, this is me here," i chuckled trying to ease his horror. "i understand you being a guy, things....like...well..that happen. i shouldn't have gotten so close, like..that. Sometimes i forget, we're not the same." i laughed even harder. But my feeble attempts to just brush off the entire predicament were failing miserably. He raised himself to his feet and turned away from me.
"Tay, come on...forget it, it's nothing!" i offered. "NO! IT'S NOT JUST 'NOTHING'!" he cried out in desperation. He had taken me completely off guard, as my expression switched to a one of shock. He was still facing the pond, and i thought for a second i saw him shudder. That's when he began to speak. His voice was filled with emotion, and the words seemed to be spilling uncontrollably from his lips. "It's not just 'nothing'," he repeated. "i don't know what to do. i can't stand it anymore. i've never hid anything from you, i've never been able to. i don't know how to deal with this....." i was utterly confused i stepped forward and placed a comforting hand on his shivering shoulder. Taylor jerked away from my touch. His reaction cut to my very soul.
He had never rejected me, never denied me anything. i returned my hand to my side, realizing the seriousness of this situation. My voice took on a new sternness, "Taylor, what is it? You can tell me!" Still refusing to face me, Taylor took a deep breath. i thought maybe he was trying to keep his secrete from me. But, his words wouldn't be repressed, they only came out faster and faster. "i...i don't exactly know where to start. i planned for so long to wait till the right time to tell you. i guess i thought the longer i waited, the more sense things might make. But, after all this time this still is as confusing to me as when i first realized it. i just can't handle it alone anymore, i .....i need you. i need your help." He was terrifying me. i couldn't remember the last time i had seen him so...so vulnerable and helpless. A million thoughts raced through my head, each one worse than the last. i swallowed hard and stepped closer to him, this time avoiding any contact.
"Tay, calm down. Just say it, just tell me. You know i'm here for you, whatever it is....i'll support you." He shook his head dramatically, "You don't understand. It's not that easy.....it's....it's.....you." i was still in a state of confusion, "Me? Tay, what are you saying?" Taylor turned around slowly. Stepping forward, he placed his extensive hands on my delicate shoulders, like he was trying to keep me from running away or something. i reached both of my hands up and set them down over top of his. He searched my eyes for reassurance. He must have found it, because he continued tearfully. "i don't know how it happened, but it did. i've tried so hard, but it's beyond my control. Tia, somewhere among our friendship and the past year......i.....i...i fell in love with..you." i was prepared for a lot of things in those previous minutes but not for the statement he had just made.
My stomach sank and i felt my legs turn weak below me. "Wha...what?" i barely managed to whisper. He continued to hold to my shoulders but i wasn't sure if it was because he didn't want me to run away or that he was afraid of collapsing himself. The well of tears in his eyes finally spilled onto his usually flushed cheeks. "i didn't want to, it just happened." i clumsily tried to push the predicament into an irrelevant state, "No you don't Taylor. You're just going through a tough time right now. You're exhausted from being on the road all the time, and i mean....i don't blame you. i guess i might get confused too. But, you don't love me....not like that." He pulled me closer to him, piercing my very existence with his heart-wrenching stare. Taylor tighten his grip on my shoulders causing them to lightly throb under the pressure.
"Stop! Don't tell me how i feel! Don't you think i've tried to tell myself the exact same things? Nothing matches up." He took a deep breath and released it slowly. His tone softened and he seemed to relax a bit, trying to make me understand his feelings. "i don't know what's more difficult, trying to breath when you're not with me, or when you are. i can't think straight anymore, every thought i have is consumed with you. And as crazy as this sounds, sometimes i actually think my heart may just stop from the pain of missing you. The only thing i can explain it with is....i love you. i love you so much that i'd leave everything i have, everything i am. i'd leave it all behind, just to share a few fleeting moments in your presence." Everything around me was spinning, and the air in my throat actually seemed to be thickening there, choking me. Taylor finally removed his hands from my shoulders, placing them on my cheeks.
For a moment, i thought i would fall from his lack of support. The more he spoke, the more muttled everything seemed to become. "And what happened just now....," his gaze drifted down to my chin, while his face flushed brightly again. " Every time you come in contact with me...even just brush your arm against mine...i feel the heat that it leaves behind. i want to kiss you, touch you, feel you in my arms. i want to protect you from anything and everything that threatens to hurt you. i want...i want to love you." Taylor lowered his face just inches before mine, "Say something...anything," he breathed heavily.
In confusion and frustration i pushed his hands away, "i...i have to go." i spun around on my heels and began running toward my car. Tears started pouring down my face. The harder i tried not to cry, the faster the tears came. i heard Taylor yelling out my name several times, but i just couldn't go back. i knew he would want to talk, want me to talk. i couldn't explain my feelings, why i was crying. i had no clue myself. i opened my car door, jumped in and pealed out as fast as i could. i could barely see the road through my moisture filled eyes. Everything was a jumble in my head. "What had Taylor just said to me? He loved me? How could he say that to me, how dare he jeopardize our friendship and everything we had with those three little words. How dare he!" i sobbed in my head. Nothing was making any sense.
i knew Taylor could have any girl he wished, why was he determined to try and ruin our friendship. Finally, i reached my house, and ran up to the comfort and safe-haven of my room. i threw myself down on my bed, face first. No matter how hard i tried, i couldn't stop all the thoughts that plagued my mind. Then, suddenly, it dawned on me, i had just left Taylor stranded by the pond. What had i done? "Wait, Taylor only lives 5 minutes from there, it won't hurt him to walk," i finally concluded. Even after my self-reproach, i still couldn't help feeling horrible for the reaction i had given Taylor. What kind of friend was i? He had poured out his visceral, most inner feelings to me, and i had just basically slapped him through the face. But, how was i supposed to react? What was i supposed to do? He had never been anything but my best friend, how could he possibly be more? i searched every fiber of feeling i had ever had for him my entire life.
Taylor was so special. He was kind and tenderhearted. He always treated me with the utmost respect, always sensitive to what i was feeling, and could make me laugh even when it felt my world was falling apart. Just the way he spoke to me through his body language made me feel secure. The way he knew how to drape his arm over my shoulder, or pick up my chin with the tip of his finger. He knew me so well, i could never second guess anything he did, until now. i laid there for hours trying to think of something in my life right then that made sense. My first instinct was to pick up the phone and call Tay. But, i couldn't, i didn't know if i would ever be able to talk to him like i always had. Tears began rolling down my face again, i felt like my best friend had died. And to some extent, he had.
But why couldn't i get past these feelings of guilt for even trying to think of Tay in any other way? i took a deep breath and let it out slowly, thinking about how i felt about Taylor physically. Taylor was breathtaking, that was a given. Anyone could see that Taylor's angelic expression was captivating. He was so tall and slender, and his muscular build was enough to make a normal girl swoon. The way his sun-streaked locks just framed his face was beautiful. His soul-piercing blue eyes could read my every thought and fill me with a sense of peace all in one glare. But, how did i really feel about him? Could it be possible that he was my soul-mate? That night i fell into a sleep so deep, i didn't even dream.