~The Princess and the Goober~
Once upon a time, there lived a short, blonde princess with a big poofy Afro. She just started 7th grade Home Economics class. The young princess did not know anyone, except for her little friend from grade school, Michelle. Then the teacher did something dreadful. She told the class to get into groups of FOUR! The princess cringed, "Four?" She thought, "but I only know one person in here!" Then, she looked in front of her. There was a gawky four-eyed girl sitting next to a girl with crooked teeth. The four-eyed girl turned to look at the princess and gave a warm smile. She introduced herself as Jess. The princess smiled and said, "My name's Niki, and someday I'm going to be Queen."
Jess smiled and said, "I'd be Queen, but I couldn't stand to wear that much pink."
And it was decided. The four were friends for a few years. Niki, Michelle, Jess and... we'll just call the girl with the crooked teeth Omy Lard. They palled around all through seventh grade, and a little bit of eighth and ninth. But there seemed to be some strange connection between the princess and the four-eyes. They giggled and joked, laughed and played. They loved the same prince, who later turned out to be gay, so it had no REAL repercussions. The had the same great friends, like Molly and Tiffany... but soon they would vanish (like all old junior high school chums that move away do). They both went on to date Chads, and then both swore to see their own grave before they ever dated another Chad. They jumped the tracks at the Cincinnati Zoo field trip, they gave each other stupid nicknames, and they wrote enough notes on school notebook paper to clear an acre or two of rainforest. "Think globally, not locally" be damned.
Once they got into a fight... oh wait, that was some other princess and four-eyes story, nevermind... they never had one fight. They got to know each other's families and became family to one another. They went on vacations, and had many a wonderful Halloween party.
Eventually, that gawky four-eyes ACTUALLY met a handsome prince, after kissing the mustached toad, the old toad and the boring toad. And the Princess met a dashing Scottish prince after kissing many eraser-head toads, that all kind of looked the same.
As the story goes, that princess did become a Queen, and the four-eyed girl had surgery and only has two eyes now. Both became beautiful young women with an insatiable appetite for dessert (and the thighs to prove it). Jess married the handsome prince and eventually became the Queen of Deskdom, a kingdom filled with strange people who call themselves the Microsoftians. King Gordon and Queen Niki went on to marry and rule over Classroomdom, a small kingdom inhabited with very naughty children.
Rumor has it they lived happily ever after, but you know how rumors go... they're probably living in some trailer park somewhere raising dirty-faced children and eating baked beans out of the can.
The End.
Happy Quarter-of-a-Century, dear friend,
I love you, Jess
3/11/00
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