Today I got home from work about 445am, still raining. I retreated to the basement to check the computer. I was desperately hoping I'd get something special in each of my three main email accounts. Well shit. I got exactly the opposite. The zine box: empty. my 'personal' email box: emptier than my wallet. My ebay email box: yeah. By that third email box I was checking I knew what to expect pretty much. Not that there would have been anything exciting in that box, like there would be in the other two email boxes. I mean the best thing I could get in the ebay box was a notification that someone had used the buy it now option on one of my auctions and had done that AND paid me via pay pal. Now that I'm thinking about it, that is rather exciting, when you need money as badly as I do right now. But still, I wasn't looking for money when I checked my first two email boxes. I was looking for some form of human contact. Just a note from someone, letting me know in some little way that they cared I was alive, and that they were interested in me as a person, or that they liked my zine. Just something. Instead the best I could do was get some spam, though I might not have even gotten any of that when I checked my mail at 5am.

I had big plans for today. I really did. After the email let down, I decided that I was gonna make today good anyway, even if it didn't start off well. Yeah, I know what you are thinking... wasn't this the end of your day? You just worked all night long. Shouldn't you be tired? Well, of course I was tired, but my day was really just beginning. I can't count work as a day. That was just something I did to try to pretend to survive. I don't work today. My day was actually beginning. Anyhow, I got over the fact that nobody cared to interact with me. That was fine. I'm becoming more and more aware of the fact that I'm pretty forgettable when you get down to it. If I'm not forgettable, I'm not likable. If I'm actually likable, then I'm too difficult to actually bother getting to know. If I don't seem too difficult to actually bother getting to know, apparently over time I become too difficult to deal with, so I get thrown away. Forgotten about. If not forgotten about atleast left with nothing. You'll take what was worth having, but leave the whole alone. I guess you could liken me to a cake with real frosting, made with sugar and whipping cream, and having a cake base that consists of not enough eggs, and Splenda instead of actual sugar (cake bases don't have sugar, do they?) Sure, some of that cake is just mouthwateringly desirable. The frosting. But the actual core of that cake is garbage. So ya eat that wonderful frosting up and poke at the bad cake for awhile with your fork. You try to like it, cos that frosting really hit the spot... but shit. It's just not gonna work. So after the cake starts to crumble and it begins to intermingle with the melting ice cream, you just throw it away. Because it started out good, but was too much. Actually, that was a bad analogy, but hey. I got to talk about cake. I'm damaged-bad at best.

So today was gonna be the day that ruled. Even though the email didn't happen. I was gonna get my records I've been expecting all week. I was gonna wake up bright and 'early' for it all, meaning I was gonna go to bed at 530am and wake up at noon, and reap my fruits of careful ebaying. Instead I lay awake in bed for the better part of an hour not being able to sleep because I probably smoked too many cigarettes and I couldn't breathe out of my nose. I figured the best course of action was to get up, eat some free drugs my grandmother somehow acquired, and list a few things on ebay, while waiting for the drugs to do their work...