Steve Burns, the original host of the children's television show must have been a fucking coke head during his tenior as host. That's my only conclusion. I first saw Blue's Clues on Nickelodeon in the morning, during the Nick Jr. part of the day, during the summer of 1996 when I had to wake up super early to go to summer school. It was a freaky show. I didn't know what to think of it! It had this blue dog with this man-child named Steve that looked a hell of a lot like my friend Anthony Tremaglio.
From what I could gather the dog was smarter than Steve (like in Inspector Gadget). While on the surface the show seemed like a fairly harmless piece of educational television, the more I watched, the more I began to wonder if there were ulterior motives.
They basically did the kids show routine. The thing that made the show original was Steve having to find those three clues to solve that day's mystery, even though they are seemingly stupid mysteries. After viewing a few episodes I was beginning to think that these mysteries were two sided. One for children (the target audience) and one for the parents.
As mundane as the show would originally come off as, to an adult or a teenager, I begin to wonder if they weren't gearing some of it towards an older demigraphic. Then I felt odd for even thinking such a thought! It's just kind of creepy, thinking that maybe you are supposed to be watching this show, using your adult knowledge to pick out the black, or was the case, blue humor.
That summer of 1996 when I first started watching the show made me wonder how the little kids who watched it didn't get freaked out! I mean, at times, while viewing it, I myself would become a little unsettled at the overall creepiness of man-child Steve, and his mysterious blue dog. It was one weird assed show to me! Maybe the reason the youngsters didn't get a strange vibe was because the true factor of weirness wasn't recognizeable to them yet. While this may be true, I know almost for a fact that the creators crafted the show to freak older people out.
Steve himself made me the most uncomfortable. Just the way he sang, coupled with his immense stupidity, and that glazed over lobotomized look in his eye. Then there was the super smart blue dog, who seemed to be playing the rold of the human, while Steve was actually the pet. Role reversal. Blue's only problem was that she was a mute. Also the animation's blocky simplicity, with it's stark, bold colors. It was just a little too much! At least in Inspector Gadget the dog was yellow, not blue! I mean, have you ever seen a blue dog walking around? No. You haven't! Granted, I've never actually seen a YELLOW dog like Brain walking around before, but atleast there are dogs like golden retrievers and such. While there is absolutley no such thing as a blue dog. Period!
So the third episode I ever saw of Blues Clues was all about how Steve was sick. He kept sneezing, and sort of resembled a zombie. His eyes were all heavy and sunken into his skull and such. All he wanted to do was feel better and the dog wouldn't tell him what he needed to get better. You could clearly tell Blue was starting to piss Steve off. So Steve has no choice but to go out do some detective work. He finally gets the three clues he needs after some strife. After he found his clues, he went to sit in this big chair he called his "Thinking Chair". He hops into this thinking chair of his and sits there for a second and starts to talk. For no apparent reason, he puts his hands on the chair's arms and lifts up his right ass cheek up. At this point I figured he was gonna rip some big assed gnarly fart or something, cuz he was sick and all. Sometimes you get gassy and have the squirts when yer ill. Alas, there was no gas to be passed. Instead, he pulls out a hanky from his rear pocket and sneezed. Needless to say, I was dissapointed.
Seriously though, they really could have pulled it off. Having Steve bop a brown bomber and all, cuz Blue's Clues was that weird at this point in time! The writers could have passed it off as educational and had Steve say something to the extent: "Sometimes when yer sick, you get bad poopy-gas, and explosive diareeah..."
Which leads me to sidetracking myself: Why do older people insist on calling it poopy-gas to youngsters, as opposed to the supposed vile word farting?? Personally, I was always offended by the word poopy-gas. I think it is a sick fucking conglomerate! I never understood how old people didn't like the word fart, but would let their kids say poopy-gas. FART is much more humane and less revolting then the word POOPY-GAS, if you ask me.
I regress: Steve starts to look at his clues while in his thinking chair. Trying to figure it all out. He's got to put this puzzle together if he wants his salvation! One of the clues was a spoon, another was a bowl, and the last clue was money. At this point, I decided that Steve was a drug addict who was suffering with-drawl from cocaine and wanted to toke up. In order for our junkie children's show host hero to do this he needs money to buy these things. I mean it all goes together Spoon= coke spoon, Bowl= hash pipe, & the $$$ was needed to obtain these recreational substances. I just know I'm right, it's all part of the writes of Blues clues plan to freak older people out.
They claimed all Steve needed a fucking bowl of SOUP to feel better! That's a hunken load of b-u-l-l-s-h-i-t!! He didn't need the spoon and bowl to eat the soup, he didn't need the $$$ to buy the soup. He needed the cash to buy the shit! The spoon and the bowl were his godamned drug paraphernalia! Simple as that!
Yeah, I liked Blue's Clues!
(For the few who are unaware, there is such thing as a ''coke spoon''. They were all the rage in the 1970's disco scene. In the famously corrupt disco club, Studio 54, there was a moon hanging up which had it's own coke spoon. Anyhow, they were these little spoons. People wore them around their necks. When they wanted a toot, they poured the cocaine into the little spoon and sniffed it up like there was no tomorrow! Eventually, there was a tomorrow, disco was over, and they were burnt out. The money was gone, and these poor souls had to turn to AJAX. The End)
