My Fellow Americans

Joe Hollis: Kaye, what an unexpected and bloodcurdling surprise. Kaye Griffin: Oh Joe, you sure do know how to make a girl feel all gooey inside. Heard anything about Kramer? Joe Hollis: No. Now if you'll excuse me, my salad is getting cold. [White House worker notices gun in Rita's station wagon.] Rita: Have you been to those fruit markets? They're brutal. Joe Hollis: Wait a minute, is that President Kramer holding a gun on a naked guy in a blindfold? Matt Douglas: Well, I don't think you had anything to do with Charlie's death, but I'm pretty sure you're involved in this mess somehow. Russell P. Kramer: Russell P. Kramer - I'm involved? What about you? You were the one sitting in a car with a dead man! Matt Douglas: Matt Douglas - Well, now you know! I enjoy spending time with dead men! You don't believe me, go ahead and die, it'll perk me right up! Tanner: Hello, sirs. No need for concern. It's only me. The twisted psycho. Margaret Kramer: Don't do that with the liquor, Russ. It's so George Bush. [Russell Kramer's made-up words to "Hail to the Chief."] Kramer: Hail to the chief, he's the chief and he needs hailing. He is the chief, so everybody hail like crazy. Douglas: If the book goes, if it doesn't go, I don't really care. I'm just writing it because frankly, I don't know what else to do. At least I won't be like Kramer, running around the country grabbing up every dime that's not nailed down. Now Jimmy Carter, THERE'S a good man. He goes around building poor people houses with his own hands. Douglas: Maybe later. Right now, my opinion is, they didn't vote for me, let 'em freeze. Kramer: Did you ever have one of her pizzas? Douglas: Ah! Kramer: It was like a wet dream with a crust! Douglas: A wet dream? Kramer: Huh? Douglas: I don't think I need to hear Russell P. Kramer saying the words "wet dream." I'll wake up screaming every night until I die! Kramer: I had only one assassination attempt against me and you had three! Douglas: Two! The woman in Phoenix doesn't count; she only had a starter's pistol! Kramer: I was Time Magazine's Man of the Year. Douglas: So was Hitler! Kramer: Not twice! Man in bathroom: It's an honor, sir. President Matt Douglas: I can't shake right now. I have to keep my hands on the First Penis. Russell Kramer: It's a kick in the balls! Sorry, sweetheart. Margaret Kramer: Please, I'm a politician's wife. I have a set of my own! Russell Kramer: Oh, yeah. I'm about to share my coffee with the Washington Love Machine. No dice! You could spit in a Petri dish and start a whole new civilization. Russell Kramer: When this is over, promise me we'll come back and look for my balls! Matt Douglas: Decaf. You pussy! [Matt Douglas' made-up words to "Hail to the Chief"] Matt Douglas: Hail to the chief, if you don't I'll have to kill you. I am the chief, so you'd better watch your step, you bastards. Matt Douglas: Let's stop talking. We're about to bond. It will make me vomit. Russell Kramer: As usual, the Republicans come up with a plan while the Democrats wander aimlessly in the woods. Genny: I'm sorry, but we're Republicans. Matt Douglas: At least you admit it. That's the first step to recovery ~ Home ~ Movies ~ Songs ~ Anonymous ~ Women ~ ~ Friendship ~ Life and Success ~ Poems ~ Shakespeare ~ Star Trek ~