Carol: "Must try other people's clean silverware as part of fun of dining out."
Melvin: "What I know is, is that as long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat crap who or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors now?"
Simon Bishop: You're why cavemen chiseled on walls.
Simon Bishop: The life that I was trying for is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe.
Carol: Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.
Carol: OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you---
Melvin: It's not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
Carol: Have you ever let a romantic moment make you do something that you knew was stupid?
Frank: I grew up in hell! My grandmother has more attitude than you!
Frank: If there's a mental health organization that raises money for people like you, be sure to let me know.
Melvin: Last word freak.
Melvin: Carol the waitress, Simon the fag.
Carol: When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome... and then, of course, you spoke.
Carol Connelly: Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Melvin Udall: Yes I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal, and you have.
Carol: Fucking H.M.O. bastard pieces of shit!
Beverly: Carol!
Carol: Sorry.
Dr. Martin Bettes: It's okay. Actually, I think that's their technical name.
[To a group of depressed psychiatric patients]
Melvin Udall: What if this is as good as it gets?
Melvin Udall: I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.
Melvin Udall: Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?
Simon Bishop: It's not a subtle point that you're making.
Melvin: I could be in bed with a woman who if you make her laugh, you have a life.
Melvin Udall: How can you diagnose someone with an obsessive compulsive disorder, then act like I have some choice about barging in here?
Melvin: People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.
Simon Bishop: I love you, Melvin.
Melvin: I tell you, buddy, I'd be the luckiest man alive if that's what did it for me.
Melvin Udall: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.
Carol Connelly: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Melvin Udall: Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Anyway, here goes: I've got this, what, ailment. Now, my doctor, this shrink I used to go to all the time, says that in fifty to sixty percent of cases, a pill really helps. I HATE pills, hate them. I'm using the word "hate" about pills. Anyway, my compliment to you is the night after you came over and said that you would never... well, you were there, you know what you said. Anyway, the very next morning, I started taking the pills.
Carol Connelly: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
Melvin Udall: You make me want to be a better man.
Carol Connelly: ...That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Melvin Udall: Well maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.
Melvin Udall: I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!
Carol: Do you want to dance?
Melvin: I've been thinking about that for a while.
Carol: [standing up] Well?
Melvin: No.
Melvin Udall: Judging from your eyes, I'd say you were fifty.
Carol: Judging from your eyes, I'd say you were kind.
Simon Bishop: If you stare at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.
Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: Easy. I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
Simon Bishop: You... overwhelm me.
Simon Bishop: The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.
[After telling Carol that he thinks she's the greatest woman on Earth]
Melvin Udall: Is that something that's bad for you to be around, for you?
Carol Connelly: No.
Melvin Udall: Can I ask you a personal question?
Simon Bishop: Sure.
Melvin Udall: You ever get an erection over a woman?
Simon Bishop: Melvin --
Melvin Udall: I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you weren't --
Simon Bishop: You consider your life easy?
[Pause]
Melvin Udall: All right, I give you that one.
Carol Connelly: Melvin, I'd rather not.
Melvin Udall: What does that got to do with it?
Carol Connelly: Funny, I thought it was a strong point.
Melvin Udall: I can't do this without you. I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one-eye on me.
Melvin Udall: I can't get back to my old life. She's evicted me from my life!
Simon Bishop: Did you really like it all that much?
[To a bartender.]
Melvin Udall: Well, it's not right to go into details, but I said the wrong thing. Whereas if I hadn't, I could be in bed right now with a woman who, if you make her laugh, you got a life. Instead I'm here with you -- no offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.
Carol Connelly: To hell with sex! It was better than sex! We held each other! What I needed, he gave me great.
[To Dr. Bettes, Spencer's wonderful new doctor.]
Carol Connelly: Can we get you anything else? Water, coffee, couple of female slaves?
Dr. Martin Bettes: My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher. She said that I was to take excellent care of this little guy because you are urgently needed back at work. What kind of work do you do?
Carol Connelly: I'm a waitress.
Beverly Connelly: In Manhattan.
Melvin Udall: You're a disgrace to depression.
[To Simon, who is in a wheelchair]
Melvin Udall: Don't worry, you'll be back on your knees real soon.
Carol Connelly: How are you?
Simon Bishop: Don't ask. I'm tired of my own complaints. I need to get some new thoughts.
Carol Connelly: Why? What are you thinking about now?
Simon Bishop: How to die, mostly.
Carol Connelly: To think that in our little mix you're the good roommate.
Frank Sachs: You can take my car, a convertible. Do you drive?
Melvin: Like the wind, BUT I'M NOT DOIN' IT!
Carol: Gettin' loud.
Carol Connelly: Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me!
Beverly Connelly: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
Melvin: "Where did they teach you to talk like this? At some Panama City sailor-wanna-hump-hump bar, or is this getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy somepleace else.. we're all stocked up here."
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