Lester Burnham: You don't get to tell me what to do ever again.
Jane Burnahm: Don't you feel naked?
Ricky Fitts: I am naked
Carolyn Burnham: Are you trying to look unattractive?
Jane: Yes.
Carolyn Burnham: Well, congratulations. You've succeded admirably.
Ricky Fitts: I'm not obsessing. I'm just curious.
Carolyn Burnham: Uh, who's car is that out front?
Lester Burnham: Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I've always wanted and now I have it. I rule!
Carolyn Burnham: This is a four thousand dollar sofa upholstered in Italian silk. It is not just a couch.
Lester Burnham: IT'S JUST A COUCH!
Lester Burnham: Smile! You're at Mr. Smiley's.
Lester Burnham: It's okay. I wouldn't remember me either.
Angela Hayes: What do you want?
Lester Burnham: Are you kidding? I want you.
Ricky Fitts: Welcome to America's weirdest home videos.
[Last line]
Lester Burnham: You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry, you will someday.
Lester Burnham: Look at me. Jerking off in the shower. This will be the highlight of my day.
Lester Burnham: I feel like I've been in a coma for the past twenty years. And I'm just now waking up.
Jane Burnham: I know you think my dad's harmless, but you're wrong.
Carolyn Burnham: You ungrateful little brat! Just look at everything you have. When I was your age, we... lived in a duplex! We didn't even have our own house!
Carolyn Burnham: Fuck me, your majesty!
Angela Hayes: At least I'm not ugly!
Ricky Fitts: Yes you are. And you're boring. And you're totally ordinary. And you know it.
Brad Dupree: Man, you are one twisted fuck.
Lester Burnham: Nope, I'm just an ordinary guy with nothing to lose.
Ricky Fitts: Excuse me for speaking so bluntly sir. But those fags make me want to puke my fucking guts out.
Colonel Fitts: Well, me too son. Me too.
Ricky Fitts: It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it, right? And this bag was like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse. But it helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.
Brad: [reading Lester's job description] My job requires mostly masking my contempt for the assholes in charge, and, at least once a day, retiring to the men's room so I can jerk off while I fantasize about a life that less closely resembles Hell.
Jim #1: Do you just want to lose weight, or are you looking to increase strength and flexibility as well?
Lester Burnham: I want to look good naked!
Ricky Fitts: So, do you like to party?
Lester Burnham: What?
Ricky Fitts: Do you like to get high?
Lester Burnham: I suppose I could be pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst.
Catering Boss: I'm not paying you to do... whatever it is you're doing.
Ricky Fitts: So don't pay me.
Catering Boss: Excuse me?
Ricky Fitts: I quit. So you don't have to pay me. Now leave me alone.
Lester Burnham: I think you just became my personal hero.
Carolyn Burnham: Honey, I watched you the whole time, and you didn't screw up once!
Carolyn Burnham: There happens to be a lot about me that you don't know, Mr. Smarty Man. There's plenty of joy in my life.
Brad: Got a minute?
Lester Burnham: For you, Brad, I've got five!
Angela Hayes: If people I don't even know look at me and want to fuck me, it means I really have a shot at being a model.
Angela Hayes: You too, slut, you have a crush on him. You're defending him, you love him, you wanna have, like, ten thousand of his babies.
Ricky Fitts: My dad thinks I paid for all this with catering jobs. Never underestimate the power of denial.
Lester Burnham: This isn't life, it's just stuff. And it's become more important to you than living. Well, honey, that's just nuts.
Lester Burnham: Remember those posters that said, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life"? Well, that's true of every day but one --- the day you die.
Jane Burnham: I need a father who's a role model, not some horny geek-boy who's gonna spray his shorts every time I bring a girlfriend home from school.
Jane Burnham: Are you scared?
Ricky Fitts: I don't get scared.
Jane Burnham: My parents will try to find me.
Ricky Fitts: Mine won't.
Angela Hayes: It's that psycho next door. Jane, what if he worships you? What if he's got a shrine with pictures of you surrounded by dead people's heads and stuff?
Ricky Fitts: I was filming this dead bird.
Angela Hayes: Why?
Ricky Fitts: Because it's beautiful.
Lester Burnham: How's Jane?
Angela Hayes: What do you mean?
Lester Burnham: I mean, how's her life? Is she happy? Is she miserable? I'd really like to know, and she'd die before she'd ever tell me about it.
Angela Hayes: She's... she's really happy. She thinks she's in love.
Lester Burnham: Good for her.
Angela Hayes: How are you?
Lester Burnham: God, it's been a long time since anybody asked me that. ...I'm great.
Angela Hayes: I've gotta go to the bathroom.
Lester Burnham: I'm great.
[at the dinner table]
Carolyn Burnham: Your father and I were just discussing his day at work. Why don't you tell our daughter about it, honey?
Lester Burnham: Janie, today I quit my job. And then I told my boss to go fuck himself, and then I blackmailed him for almost sixty thousand dollars. Pass the asparagus.
Carolyn Burnham: Your father seems to think this type of behavior is something to be proud of.
Lester Burnham: And your mother seems to prefer I go through life like a fucking prisoner while she keeps my dick in a mason jar under the sink.
Carolyn Burnham: How dare you speak to me that way in front of her. And I marvel that you can be so contemptuous of me, on the same day that you LOSE your job.
Lester Burnham: Lose it? I didn't lose it. It's not like, "Whoops! Where'd my job go?" I QUIT. Someone pass me the asparagus.
Mr. Smiley's Manager: I don't think you'd fit in here.
Lester Burnham: I have fast food expierience.
Mr. Smiley's Manager: Yeah, like twenty years ago!
Lester Burnham: Well, I'm sure there have been marvelous advances in the industry, but surely you must have some sort of training program. It's unfair you presume I won't be able to learn.
Carolyn Burnham: I see you're smoking pot now. I suppose you think smoking illegal psychotropic substances is a good example to set for our sixteen year-old daughter?!
Lester Burnham: You're one to talk, you bloodless, money-grubbing freak.
Carolyn Burnham: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Lester Burnham: I'm going to whale on my pecs and then do my back.
Lester Burnham: I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.
Jane Burnham: [turning the camera on Ricky] Don't you feel naked?
Ricky Fitts: I am naked.
Lester Burnham: [narrating] That's my wife, Carolyn. See the way the handle on her pruning shears matches her gardening clogs? That's not an accident.
Colonel Frank Fitts: You need structure... and discipline.
Ricky Fitts: Thank you for trying to teach me, sir. Don't give up on me, Dad.
Carolyn Burnham: My company sells an image. It's part of my job to live that image.
Lester Burnham: [narrating] It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.
Carolyn Burnham: What are you doing?
Lester Burnham: Nothing.
Carolyn Burnham: You were masturbating!
Lester Burnham: I was not.
Carolyn Burnham: Yes you were!
Lester Burnham: Oh, all right! So shoot me, I was whacking off! That's right, I was choking the bishop, chafing the carrot, you know, saying "hi" to my monster!
Lester Burnham: When I was your age, I flipped burgers just to be able to buy an eight-track.
Ricky Fitts: That sucks.
Lester Burnham: No, actually it was great. All I did was party and get laid. I had my whole life ahead of me.
Buddy Kane: In order to be successful, one must project an image of success at all times.
Carolyn Burnham: I refuse to be a victim!
Jane Burnham: Somebody should just put him out of his misery.
Ricky Fitts: Do you want me to kill him?
Jane Burnham: Yeah, would you?
 
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