Table of Contents

What is the substance of Christ's body?
So much pain I feel
Every day my eyes open to another day of death
As far back as I as I can recall
How silent is a void
God created the mountains
The emptiness consumes me
Once you gave your heart to me
He can have my mouth to kiss
A hundred tears are in my eyes
What is life? What is death?



What is the substance of Christ's body?
It's a cockroach crawling mess.
They do whatever the hell they please
and then ask "God" to bless.

Situational ethics,
on secret sins their flesh just feeds,
As long as everyone strokes their egos
no one cares who dies, who bleeds.

A young man restrains himself
from his precious fiancee,
but once she signs her rights away
the Church says he can have his way.

Another woman finds a hobby
in seducing married men,
as long as the guy makes the first move
she claims that she's without sin.

A virgin also appoints herself
to monitor sexual sin in you,
until she herself finds a lover
then God's word's no longer true.

For ten years I was enslaved
to scrub and screw at his command,
then daily numb the objectification I felt
so as to raise the children with a tender hand.

I know it is wrong to have an affair,
yet for six months you opened your door.
You lied I was precious and valuable to you,
you longed to have me forever more.

Then I was out on the street,
without a roof, a dime, or a friend
Christ's body turned his back upon me,
So a couch to me you did lend.

Said you'd never exploit me like my spouse
Your heart contained only "true" love.
To be just like Christ is your supreme goal,
your every breath guided straight from above.

You immersed your soul in hours of prayer,
Cleansed your mind with God's precious Word,
surrounded by only the healthy in Christ,
communed in the dark 'till His whisper you heard.

I was crushed by years of obeying
God's voice through his agent the church,
afraid now to ask or hear or try
all my hope had long been besmirched.

Instead I descended in your personal cult,
where your words alone were true.
If I dared voice a counter opinion,
you guaranteed those words I'd rue.

You set yourself above me like a God,
said I wouldn't admit to sin God had shown you,
yes God only told you the truth about me
then you disdained me for idealizing you.

From the high perch of the Holy Spirit
you ground me into dust,
and you alone understood what I was
the evil incarnation of lust.

You became the All Knowing One
looking down on me from on high,
and I could never earn your love
no matter how hard I would try.

For you had the power to search my heart,
you alone could try my soul,
my secret motivations none but you could see,
and you decreed that I'd never be whole.

You cursed my love the entire time,
every move only born from addictions,
until my existence became a crime,
each thought shamed by your convictions.

Now 'twas a sin to ask for a hug,
a sin to hold your hand,
the lips that spoke once of accepting love,
dripped of shame with each reprimand.

I must recant my foul, feminine ways,
curse my selfish need to be held
to yearn for a touch is a vile addiction,
all thoughts of romance must be quelled.

I was the cause of your lustful thoughts,
for your masturbation I took the blame,
I am the one who creates your wet dreams,
for all these I crumbled in shame.

My flesh was a pox on your holy heart,
forever cutting me with words 'till I cried,
your disgust of me was all over your face,
the whole world knew that I was despised.

I was too disgusting to be christened your friend,
Too odious to be seen at your side.
Forever reminded I wasn't better than you,
So you'd never stoop to make me your bride.

'Till I dared not even move or speak
I hated my lascivious sense of touch,
with the incarnation of Hell I reek
because I loved you oh, so much.

You hid me away from the whole world
for five unhappy years.
In exchange for all my love
you filled my heart with tears.

Then came that lying Bitch
who trapped you with her kiss.
You gave her my every treasured dream,
pain was nothing before this.

She was so much better than I
since she speaks in Christian-eze
and strokes your self-deluding lies
by doing everything you please.

"Unworthy", scream a thousand tongues
pressing inside my head,
"Unworthy", echo a thousand ghosts
as you lead her to your bed.

And Christ's body adjusts its robes
and pats itself on the head
You found a sex object they can accept
and I exist as the living dead.
1996 © Kizu Kudasai
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So much pain I feel
so many tears I shed
Whenever I look upon my life
I wish that I were dead

The only way to escape
reality is to dream
with tears soaking up my pillow
in sorrow I do dream

Once again you're by my side
everything is all right
the pain had fled away
you love and hold me tight

My fears were all unfounded
your love is true and I am free
everything is all right
you are once again with me.

But night become the day
and the hellish curse returns
you love "a more worthy one"
my heart just breaks and burns

My sadness floods and haunts me
I am drowning again in pain
No matter what others tell me
my tears are pouring rain
1996 © Kizu Kudasai Back to Top




Every day my eyes open
to another day of death,
Why does my heart keep beating?
Why does my mouth draw breath?

My heart is wrung out and shattered,
there is nothing for it to give,
Each moment lifeless and empty,
it’s so pointless for me to live.

All joys seem like an illusion,
distant as a movie screen,
Faces, voices pass before me,
I can’t internalize what I’ve seen.

Instead I exist like the phantom dead,
wandering perpetually on the earth,
Without purpose, hope or fulfillment,
my heart is emptiness, death, and dearth.
1996 © Kizu Kudasai
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As far back as I as I can recall
I've had one goal in mind,
Driven onward by this endless quest
a true love I must find.

My high school sweetheart pledged his heart
and said his love was true,
but would not promise to commit himself
until his college years were through.

Another swore he loved so much
that he even married me.
but a cleaning lady and a bed warmer
is all he wanted me to be.

a liar came and feigned his love,
said true love was in a friend
but his love was only for convenience
he took his fill then had it end.

And through so many years of life
many others I did pursue
I tried to turn their hearts to me
by giving love that's truly true.

They took my love and exploited me
then buried me in guilt and tears
insisted I mend non-existent faults
and strung me along for years.
1996 © Kizu Kudasai
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How silent is a void?
How dark the lack of light?
How empty is a vacuum?
How long the endless night?

A thousand, million tears
rain daily from my soul.
A million, million more,
will not make me whole.

My life has all been wasted,
all effort turned to sand,
my striving gets me no where,
my heart now a wasteland.

My shattered heart keeps breaking,
the wound just always bleeds.
No being in earth or heaven,
could ever help my needs.

I curse the God of Heaven,
I defy the powers of Hell,
pain and rage consume and crush me,
in my imploding cell.

You I loved and trusted,
you swore you'd never lie,
but you led me on then left me,
left my breaking heart to die.

There aren't enough excuses
to justify what you've done,
hypocrite, liar and you,
are not three but one.
1996 © Kizu Kudasai
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God created the mountains,
God created the sea,
God created the light and the dark,
God created me.

God created the birds that fly,
He created the fish that swim,
God created the trees and flowers,
God created him.

God saved all life within an ark,
For Moses he parted the sea,
He fed five thousand on a hill,
He can't reconcile him and me.
1996 © Kizu Kudasai
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The emptiness consumes me,
each moment: searing pain,
he took my soul and crushed it,
my life I now disdain.

My heart beats only water,
my lungs breathe a vacuum.
I force my feet to nowhere,
my spirit's in a tomb.

The hole in me is vast,
it fills the universe.
To wake without his love
is Hell's most horrid curse.
1996 © Kizu Kudasai
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Once you gave your heart to me,
and I my heart to you
you said if I would just try harder
all things would be made new

You blew the hot wind on my thirst
and locked me in the cold
If I'd be happy in that clime
then I'd win your heart of gold.

You held me back with your hand,
then shamed my every need,
You dangled yourself beyond my reach
stood mute and watched me bleed

I cut myself from off my soul
my femaleness I despised
I loved you more then life itself
while my faults you itemized

with all my strength, and all my might,
all powers that make me live
I strove so hard to earn the prize
you had predestined not to give.

Then in a moment, you crushed my life,
In a moment you made me die
For you had found a brand new toy
"more spiritual" than I

You praised her for being "just like me"
though she falls as easily too
excused her addictions as "better than mine"
"in Christ's love" my heart you slew

Tears stream down and scald my face
my heart pounds dull as lead.
My spirit's fled this hollow shell
I am the walking dead

All music now is empty noise
All colors have turned to gray
The stuff of life a phantom mist
My body yearns for clay

You water my grave with salt-less tears
and send heaven your empty moan
you say you're sorry with a lying tongue
for you won't give me my own
1996 © Kizu Kudasai
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He can have my mouth to kiss
he can have my heart to break
I would give him all that I am
if only he would take

He gives his love to someone else
and assures me that I'm his friend
His friendship like a nettle stings
and to my grave will send

My eyes are now all sunk and dim
my arms wasted by decay
my cheek is hollow, ashen, pale
and my lips have turned to clay

Oh please take my lifeless kiss
for my heart can no more break
my body and soul are nearly there
my life 'twill surely take
1996 © Kizu Kudasai
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A hundred tears are in my eyes
my soul has breathed a thousand sighs
from pain that never ceases to rise
my hope, my heart, my life just dies
1996 © Kizu Kudasai
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What is life? What is death?
they are one in the same
eternal nothingness
that sleep will reclaim

I love him so much
but he can't let me in
for I perpetually commit
the unpardonable sin

He says he forgives
but he'll never forget
there's no way to reconcile
my unfathomable debt

My heart is so tired
it beats only to break
go to sleep in the earth
there you'll rest from your ache.
1996 © Kizu Kudasai
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