Josh's Survey
Back on December 7, 1998, I decided to make my own survey. It was to be bigger and better than everyone elses.
Everyone hated it.
A total of five people actually got all the way through. I want to make special mention of them here:
1. Katie Mihaly.
2. Andy Black.
3. Dan Norton.
4. Felicity Powers.
5. Mike Walter.
But it taught me a valuable lesson: No one really cares what I think. After all, the whole thing was basically my train of thought as I rambled on from one subject to the next.
The survey was 333 questions long. That's the 327 labled, plus the seven number 67's, and then subtract the missing number 83. A tad bit long for a survey, but that's okay. Here it is, in its entirity, Josh's Survey.
Josh's Survey!
12-7-98.
BASIC STUFF
1. What is your name?
2. What is today's date?
3. Did you answer the last question?
4. Have you even the slightest concept of Time?
5. So, did you, in your opinion, answer #2 as truthfully as possible?
6. Have you ever been to New Jersey?
7. Do you know who I (Josh) am?
8. In the general scheme of things, where, in your opinion, would you place me?
9. Is that a good place?
10. Should I be honored to be there?
11. Do you wish me dead?
12. Are you going to kill me yourself?
13. Or will you hire a hitman or a MacAfee to do it?
14. Are you sitting down?
15. Good.
16. Now I can break the news to you.
17. You're dying.
18. But I can help.
19. I'm a doctor.
20. Do you trust me to help you?
21. Why not?
22. You want me to shove my scalpel WHERE?
23. Would you trust Dr. Kevorkian over me?
24. I'm hurt.
25. Do you even care that I am?
26. For the sake of my feelings, I'm changing the subject.
27. If you could beat up MacAfee, would you?
28. Would it be cool?
29. Have you ever gone camping in the woods?
30. If so, have you ever sang "Row Row Row (Row) Your Boat" around the campfire with your closest friends while toasting "marshmelons", and one of your friends just doesn't understand the song?
31. Was it a breathtaking experience?
32. What is your name again?
33. No! MY NAME!
34. Listen buddy, you play games with me and you're through.
35. What do you think?
36. Am I an idiot?
37. Now that wasn't very nice. Won't you appologize?
38. Fine. I'm old enough to take a few insults. That leads me to ask...
39. How old are you?
40. Which would make your birthday... when?
41. Now I'm gonna ask you a whole gaggle of stupid personal questions, since every other survey has them. Does this bother you?
42. Good. Let's begin, shall we?
43. What color is your hair?
44. What color is mine?
45. Is this relivent?
46. Does it matter that it's not?
47. Do you ever prance about the house naked whistling the theme song to "The Andy Griffith Show"?
48. What color grass do you frolic in?
49. Does the grass need to be mowed? 'Cause Andy'll do it for about $5.
50. Do you have Ebola?
51. Did a monkey bite you?
52. Are you bleeding from every pore in your body?
53. Do you have Ebola?
54. Do you have any pets?
55. Do you have any siblings?
56. Do the pets differ any from the siblings?
57. Do you have a mosiac of Bob Dole anywhere in your house?
58. Do you own a nineteen foot tall marble and gold of statue of Worstell the Great?
59. Do you have any Cicak memorbilia?
60. Do you own a personalized Missler head-shavin' kit that the big guy's autographed himself?
61. Have you ever seen my picture of Eric Hooton eating cake?
62. Who are Vel, Oci, and Raptor?
63. You don't know who Vel, Oci, and Raptor are?
64. You make me so ashamed of you.
65. I'll teach you about them later.
66. Have you ever flown a Hole class Dragon Ship over Georgia?
67. Do you ever have Deja-vu?
67. Do you ever have Deja-vu?
67. Do you ever have Deja-vu?
67. Do you ever have Deja-vu?
67. Do you ever have Deja-vu?
68. Have you ever bit the pet cat?
69. What's the capital of Delaware?
70. Have you ever seen the movie Duck Soup?
71. Did you like it?
72. I thought it was a good movie.
73. He he. Chicolini's uncle was born in Dollars, Taxes. But that's an elephant. That'sa purty good, eh?
74. Speaking of which, where were you born, exactally?
75. So you wern't born in Czechoslovokia?
76. Is this survey dumb?
77. Stupid?
78. Obtuse?
79. Witless?
80. Idiotic?
81. What's the difference between Spaghetti, linguinni, and pasta?
82. Do you like spaghetti, linguinni, or pasta?
84. Did you vote for Bob Dole in the '98 election?
85. Or did you vote for Clintdork?
86. Or Mr. Perot?
87. Did you happen to notice that there wasn't a #83?
88. Mr. Brown can moo, can you?
?cixelsyd uoy erA .98
90. Can you believe that I actually made it to ninety with questions like these?
91. I'm gonna ask more personal stuff, okay?
92. What color are your eyes?
93. Ever notice that every single survey asks that moronic question?
94. What about that tower?
95. The purple one.
96. Are you wearing socks right now?
97. Are you as tired as I am? *yawn*
98. Did you just yawn?
99. You know, how if one person yawns, it triggers a chain reaction, and everyone yawns?
100. Isn't that cool how it works, though?
101. Wow. 101 already. Neat, huh?
102. How did they kill Jaws in Jaws 3?
103. Ever notice that no one seems to know that one?
104. They know the forst two ways of killing the shark, blowing him up and electrocuting him, respectfully.
105. But then, Jaws 3 just wasn't all that good, was it?
106. Do you think that Amanda's really Russian, and that she's kept her origins a secret in order to cover her spying operation for the Russian government?
107. I wonder where Jimmy Hoffa's body went?
108. Maybe Amanda has it?
109. But why would the Russians want Hoffa's body?
110. Maybe they'll build a bomb?
111. A Hoffa-bomb.
112. Did you know that the capital of Cambodia is Phnom Penh?
113. Kinda weird name, huh?
114. A Russian Hoffa-bomb could destroy Cambodia.
115.Aluminum used to be called Aluminium. Did you know that?
116. Yeah. They changed it for some reason a while back.
117. Aluminium sounds like some space-age alloy. Maybe that's why they changed it. 'Cause no one likes space-age alloys.
118. Hoffa-bombs are made from space-age alloys like Aluminium.
119. Aluminium is mined in Arkansas. That's why so many Russians live there.
120. And Clinton, too.
121. Maybe Clinton's Russian?
122. Nah. The Russians are to civilized.
123. Look it's #123. 1, 2, 3. Neat, huh?
124.There are more than 123 people in Arkansas.
125. 8,781,000 people live in Cambodia. That's a lot of people, don't you agree?
126. Since you've made it this far, your probably bored.
127. Is that right? You're bored?
128. 128 used to be my address before I moved.
129. Have you moved before?
130. Was it from Arkansas or Cambodia?
131. Jimmy Hoffa was born in Indiana, not Arkansas. Did you know he was born there?
132. This is a fun survey, don'tcha think?
133. What's does Jimmy Hoffa and your tax money have in common?
134. They both disappear never to be seen again.
135. That'sa purty good, eh?
67. Do you ever have Deja-vu?
136. Why don't my Energizer batteries ever work as good as the ones on TV?
137. That rabbit's been going for what? Twenty years now?
138. My Energizers always die within a month.
139. That's why I buy Duracell: The Copper-Top.
140. What kind of batteries do you buy?
141. Newsradio is on TV right now. That's a good show. Phil Hartman is.. er... was in it. It's kinda sad, really. Sorry, MacAfee.
142. This hasn't really been a survey since #110. It's more my train of thought now.
143. But it that really a problem?
144. Nah.
145. But still, this is supposed to be a survey, so I guess that I should probably do survey things in it.
146. Right?
147. Sure. It'll be fun. It'll keep us warm.
148. Ya know, for Andy's sake, I should probably mention Mr. T sooner or later.
149. 'Cause he pitties the foo's.
150. Yep.
151. Wow. It's 10:44 PM right now.
152. What time is it for you?
153. Today is Monday, December 7, 1998.
154. Is Time a real thing, or is it a made up thing to keep us from getting confused?
155. I like Time.
156. Time is content as a cat right now.
157. I'm eating cookies right now. I like cookies.
158. Do you like cookies?
159. Didja ever figure I'd make it this far when you began this survey?
160. Do you even remember what question #1 was?
161. Without peeking?
162. I don't think I'll ever stop. I'll just keep going, and going, and going... Like that rabbit with the batteries that last for two decades when mine only last a month.
163. I'm gonna get into some philosophical views right now.
164. This may be interresting.
165. What are your views on the US government?
166. A group of trained chimps could do a better job in my opinion.
167. What are your views on the Russian government's using Amanda as a spy?
168. Maybe that's why her hair's red... it's camauflage.
169. What are your views on Deja-vu?
67. Do you ever have Deja-vu?
170. What happened to Jimmy Hoffa?
171. Maybe he moved to Cambodia.
172. Why did they rename Aluminium?
173. It's a space-age alloy that nobody likes
.
174. What has Arkansas got to do with it?
175. 'Cause Clinton's from Arkansas, and he's wrecked the government.
176. How often to you think MacAfee changes his underware?
177. Speaking of underware, you ARE wearing some, right?
178. Hmmmm...
179. Hey, did you know that toilet paper's modern form was invented by Joseph Cayetty in 1857?
180. No kidding. And, Cayetty also had his face printed on each individual piece. True story.
181. I'm gonna have MacAfee's face printed on my toilet paper.
182. Eh...
183. Maybe Andy's toilet paper would be better.
184. Would you want to have MacAfee's grinning face emblazoned upon your toilet paper?
185. No one would ever go to the bathroom again.
186. And that would be a terrible shame.
187. I know MacAfee would use Bob Dole printed toilet paper.
188. Maybe if they put Jimmy Hoffa's face on toilet paper.
189. But only teamsters would buy it.
190. But there are alot of teamsters.
191. So they'd sell alot of Hoffa toilet paper.
192. Are you a teamster?
193. Which is your favorite Hindu diety? Brahma, Vishnu, or Shiva?
194. Shiva was the destroyer. It broke stuff.
195. I am Death. Destroyer of worlds.
196. Is Elvis dead?
197. I mean, he keeps popping up at Burger King.
198. Maybe he's getting the new BK Broiler.
199. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE RODEO BURGER!
200. Oh my God! I've made it to 200! Now that's... well, it's...
201. It means I don't have a life.
202. But that's okay. Who needs one in the days of computer automation?
203. That reminds me of a joke I heard once.
204. Super-automation is when EVERYTHING will be controlled by computers.
205. But all that's needed for it to run smoothly is a dog and a man.
206. The man is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep the man from touching anything.
207. Heh heh. I like that one.
208. It's 11:26 PM. I'm stopping here. For the night. Tomorrow I'll do more. And that'll be cool. This is gonna be the biggest, stupidest, bestest survey ever! See ya tomorrow!
209. Good night.
210. Sleep tight.
211. Don't let the bed-bugs bite.
212. Nope. Can't let them do that.
213. Nighty-night!
214. Hey, I'm back.
215. And I lied.
216. 'Cause today's Wednesday, December 16, 1998, and it's now 7:58 PM.
217. I was to lazy to do more on this survey since I last worked on it.
218. So, did ya miss me?
219. At least lie and say you did.
v
220. I didn't feel like working on this survey for nine days.
221. Are you lazy?
222. Were you to lazy to answer that?
223. Are you still reading all this?
224. Are you bored?
225. Are you morbidly intrested in what I have to say, and are trying to find hidden messages?
226. Or are you just stupid?
227. Are you reading this bcause your searching for something?
228. Something lost?
229. Like Jimmy Hoffa?
230. Or your sense of logic which would have stopped you from reading this thing about a hundred questions ago?
231. Or perhaps Shiva, the destroyer?
232. I am Death. Destroyer of worlds.
233. Grace is a problem.
234. She's mean to me.
235. Is she mean to you?
236. I call her captain.
237. I call her that because she reminds me of Captain Ahab.
238. Have you read or are familiar with Moby Dick?
239. Captain Ahab devoted years to hunting the great whale that crippled him, an act of vengence. But in the end it destroyed him; it destroyed his ship. He didn't know when to quit.
240. And grace spends far to much time bothering me and whacking me in the head with Pepsi cans.
241. Grace is gonna get eaten by a whale.
242. Like Pinnochio.
243. How long has it been since you saw Pinnochio?
244. I wonder if grace has ever seen Pinnochio?
245. I'll ask her.
246. Yes, she has.
247. There's not supposed to be a capital "g" in "grace".
248. Do you spell "grace" witha capital or a lower case "g"?
249. If I spell it "Grace", with a capital "g", then she'll get irritated.
250. Ha ha.
251. Okay, enough with grace. She's taken up to many questions already.
252. Grace yells to much.
253. No more grace.
254. I mean it, too.
255. Just imagine, if you will, the Christmas present of 1999.
256. A huge robotic Jimmy Hoffa constructed out of Aluminium, and it has big laser guns on it, and it says seven fun phrases!
257. That'd be fun.
258. Christmas is near.
259. Are you Jewish?
260. Because it's now in the midst of Chanukkah.
261. Or Hanukkah.
262. Silent "c"'s are fun, no?
263. The Independence is a dead stick!
264. The Independence is down!
265. Egads, I can't type tonight. I keep making mistakes.
266. Has that ever happened to you? When you haven't typed in a while, and then when you try to, you keep messing up?
267. That's happening right now.
268. I don't really like to type.
269. I also don't like to fly.
270. In fact, I can't fly.
271. Aside the obvious, of course.
272. In an airplane, I mean. I have bad acrophobia. Really bad.
273. I wish my keyboard was bigger, then it'd be harder to keep messing up.
274. Can you fly?
275. You know what I mean!
276. Propeller Man was cool.
277. Do you know what I'm talking about?
278. If not, don't worry about it.
279. Okay. Something happened.
280. It's now 12:28 AM, Saturday 19 December 1998.
281. I got working on something else, and I forgot.
282. Grace is here.
283. Grace is here alot.
284. Do you want grace?
285. 'Cause I'll let you have her.
286. I'll trade you. What have you got to offer me?
287. Eh... you can have her for nothing.
288. Ya know something?
289. No. This survey isn't ending soon.
290. Christmas is in six days.
291. Of course, if your Jewish...
292. If your anti-Christian for that matter...
293. That would mean nothing to you now, wouldn't it?
294. I'm going to change the subject now and veer off into a totally different direction. Will that distress you?
295. I hope not, because I am anyway.
296. What, in your opinion, is the stupidest thing on this small blue planet?
297. I say humans are.
298. Do you agree?
299. Humans are not much better than the fruitcakes thay created.
300. All they do is mess up, break something, and put the blame on someone else.
301. But some humans are godlike compared to others.
302. For example, those who smoke are just stupid, and fall into the lowest class.
303. Along with druggies and alchoholics.
304. They are all stupid, and should be terminated immediatelly.
305. But if they successfully clean up, only then might they be accepted into polite society.
306. But for those who don't...
307. There will be no mercy.
308. For all you smokers, druggies, and alcoholics out there who are reading this, I have an important message for you...
309. I hope that you all die painfully, alone, with no one who notices or even cares, and I sincerely hope for your mangy corpse to rot in some forest as deer trample your soft mush and pack wolves nibble upon your remains, or for your body to decompose on some deserted beach as Fiddler Crabs scuttle to and fro from the open offafices in you, and for your eternal wretched stench to be carried for miles as everyone who must endure your odor wishes the worst for you as you burn for all eternity in Hades' Underworld.
310. That having been said, do what you will, but don't come crying to me when you find you have Cancer and have but a few months to live.
311. Okay. It's now a few days later. I feel better now, thank you.
312. ARE YOU STILL READING THIS?!?
313. You don't have a life, do you?
314. Are you stupid or something?
315. Are you wearing socks right now?
316. I don't know where that came from.
317. Ya know something?
318. I'm tired of typing this thing.
319. Today, by the way is Tuesday, December 22, 1998. It's 1:02 AM.
320. I forgot to mention that earlier. It's important information.
321. Okay, so this is now boring.
322. Thus: I'm ending it.
323. Gasp!
324. Good bye.
325. Good night.
326. May your forehead grow like the mighty Oak.
327. Oh. And one more thing:
67. Do you ever have Deja-vu?
THE END
. . .
Wow, huh? Anyhow, no one liked it. To long. Not enough actual questions. Now I want to explain some of the questions. A little trivia 'n stuff.
Question #30: This eludes to the camping scene in Yosimite with Kirk, Spock, and McCoy in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. Shatner accidently added an extra "Row" to the song's title, McCoy called marshmellows "marshmelons," and Spock didn't understand the song's meaning. "Life is not a dream."
Questions #32-35. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, when the Navy guys interogate Chekov aboard the aircraft carrier Enterprise. "He's a Ruskie."
Questions #58-60. Worstell, Cicak, Missler. Three teachers Black, MacAfee, and I had. Worstell was just plain cool, Cicak (Chee-Chek) beat up Andy, and Missler had his head shaved by the football team after they won a game. He was bald for a while. That was interesting.
Question #62. Vel, Oci, and Raptor are my genetically engineered kids. Basically, a set of three 1:40 scale plastic dinosaurs (Deinonychus) that we all decided were my kiddies. Don't ask.
Question #66. This is from a conversation that Mr. Black had with someone named Stilangel. Andy told her how he flew the Dragon Ship over Georgia, shooting at stuff.
Question(s) #67: Nothing like a little paranoia. The Deja-vu is a recurring theme. I just may have overdone it just a pinch... Nah.
Question #73: Refer to the courtroom scene in Duck Soup. This is a classic!
Questions #81 & 82: Just making sure everyone knows that spaghetti and linguinni are different kinds of pasta.
Question #88: A reference to the popular Dr. Seuss book of the same name.
Questions #94 & 95: Refers to an inside joke involving Star Wars. It's better not explain it here. Ask if you want to know.
Questions #102-105. Seriously. No one knows how Jaws died in Jaws 3. Everyone I ask doesn't know. Maybe I should just go and watch the stupid movie and find out!
Question #115: Aluminium really was called Aluminium when it was discovered. I guess they changed the name for ease in pronunciation .
Question #141: MacAfee was a fan of Phil Hartman and was sad when he died.
Question #147: This was said by the character of Molly Brown in 1957's A Night to Remember, which was about the Titanic disaster. Brown took the oars of Lifeboat 6 from the men and tried to get other women to row by encouraging them with "Us women can row. Sure! It'll keep us warm." Quartermaster Hitchens threw a fit, and Brown threatened to toss him overboard. Hitchens did, after all, steer the Titanic right into the iceburg. (But you can't totally blame him for the disaster.)
Question #156: Time can be angry and it can be happy. Time can be one factor that can torment a person and lead them to insanity. Time is a cruel thing, indeed.
Question #125: This is based on 1991 surveys.
Questions #179 & 180: I swear to God this is a true story. It sounds like a phony tale, but it really is true. Cayetty did print his face on the toilet paper.
Question #195: This is a line from a Hindu text called the Bagdavad Gita. However, the line's claim to fame was that it was uttered by J. Robert Oppenheimer, the creator of the atomic bomb, after watching the first A-Bomb explode at the Trinity blast site in New Mexico. (However, the Trinity blast was better summed up by Kenneth Bainbridge, the director of Trinity, when he said "Now we're all sons of *BEEP*.")
Questions #205 & 206: The dog and man super-automation joke comes from the book HAL's Legacy: 2001's Computer as Dream and Reality.
Question #239: Actually, the Captain Ahab/Moby Dick summary comes word for word from Star Trek: First Contact. It's from the scene in the Enterprise's conference lounge when Lily blasts Picard over his behavior concerning the Borg.
Questions #241 & 242: Also, Jonah works, too. This is from, neatly, the Book of Joshua. So I get to kill grace. Cool, huh?
Questions #263 & 264: These lines come from Armageddon, when the Independence is trashed by the asteroid's tail of debris. I'm not sure why I added these lines to the survey. I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Question #276: Propellor Man is what we call the guy who, in the end of Cameron's Titanic, falls off the Titanic's rising stern, hits the starboard wing propellor, and cartwheels off. (Just for more trivia, Titanic's two wing propellors were 23 feet in diameter. The central prop was 16 feet in diameter.).
Questions #296-310: This big rant came about because I was just getting sick and tired of people destroying themselves. I had just lost another friendship, and I was just really irritated and I took my anger out on the surveytaker. I appolgize for it, unless you qualify for the rant. (And you know who you are!)
Question #309: I particularly like this part. My little spiel. Oh, what fun it was to type that! And refreshing, too! I guess you'd have to be there. I like the fiddler crab part best!
Question #326: This comes from Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie. The aliens in the featured film This Island Earth, Metalunans, had rather large foreheads, and Tom Servo made the crack about the "foreheads growing like a wild oak" when Exeter was talking to Cal and Ruth in his office.
Well, that's it. We've reached the end of this session. I haven't much more to say. However, there's a whole different survey to follow this one.
Turn the record over to find out.
MAIN.
This page created 28/29 July 1999.
