STAR WARS EPISODE II & 3/4
by Kelonzi & Serendipty

Yoda: Lay the smackdown, I have.

Count Dooku: Owie! Owie! Yoda hath kicked my butt-eth

Yoda: My birthday it is. Rock I do.

Count Dooku: Hmmm. Only one last tactic. I shall stare at you all evil-like and wait until you blink. Then I win!!

(-- *G* God. Is Obi a backseat driver or what?

-- Obi and Ani are on the floor during the fight.... Ani cradling his stub and Obi looking thoroughly vexed.)

Obi: Er.. Band-aid?

Ani: *motions towards arm across the room* You really think a bandaid will fix that? *sighs* Crap, crap, crap.... I need to remember this moment and inflict it on my next of kin.

Obi: Perhaps I should make note of that comment... Eah...Nah. I'm sure Master Qui-Gon was right...

Qui-Gon: Blind you must be to the obvious.

Obi: I thought I was supposed to focus...?

Yoda: Speak like me you must NOT, Qui-Gon!

Qui-Gon: S'cuse a minute---

*sounds of a scuffle*

Yoda: Ow! Ears you must not pull!

Qui-Gon: You bit me first, little green elf!

*after a beat*

Qui-Gon: Okay, what was that you were saying Padawan?

Ami:(wanders on) Is any of this effecting my ability to look pretty?

C3PO: Master Calrissian... Master--- Oops. Wrong movie. *poofs away in a forgotten side plot*

Ani:Erm...hello. Loosing blood. Owie.

Qui-Gon: Uhm... Obi?

Obi: I offered him a band-aid. What do you people want from me?

Dooku: Mwahaha!!! DIE EVIL GREEN scum!

Qui-Gon: Did I mention how glad I am that I'm dead during all this?

Obi: Shut up you lucky bastard. I don't even get to get naked in this franchise.

Yoda: Clear your mind must be, if you are to discover the real plot behind this plot.....

Qui-Gon: Not helping.

Yoda: Sorry I am.

Qui-Gon: Uhm... wait! I know what to do! I saw this in a movie once!

Obi: Eah-oh.

Qui-Gon: We have replacement limbs back on Courescant!

Ani: This is 30 years before that, dweeb.

Qui-Gon: Ooops. Sorry. Best I can do.

Obi: Ah well...we'll get you a hook or something.

Dooku: *sigh* Bored now. *uses many contorted facial movements, rather like he's constipated, and yanks a column out of the ground* Haha! I'll throw this at you, yet!

Ami: Are we ignoring him?

Yoda: You a Bitch are. *kicks him into next Tuesday*

Dooku: Damn. *flies away with the Wicked Witch of the West*

Qui-Gon: Uhm... Padawan? Hate to be getting annoying here, but---

Obi: Look. Aren't you dead? Shouldn't you be in the afterlife, not hanging about here?

Qui-Gon: See what you do, after you're dead, upstart! I was going to tell you to watch your head, but now that you've offended me.... *poofs*

Obi: I'm getting out of here. I have to go star in a far supirior independent film and get naked as many times as possible.

*column crashes to the ground, landing soundly on Jar Jar Binks*

Obi: Well that's just....neat.

Yoda: Rats, I must now say.

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Spirit of Jar Jar: Meesa now do de dance of joy!

Han: Meesa kill you again if you don't shut the hell up.

Qui-Gon: I see the future!!

Yoda: Pretty girl with cinamon buns on her ears, this way comes!

Obi: What do you see for me master?

Qui-Gon: Uhm... do you like Shishkebob, apprentice?

Obi: *stares* Not really...

Yoda: Speaking to me, he was. *smacks Qui-Gon soundly with the gimmer stick*

Ani: Eah. Gimmer stick of DOOM.

Yoda: *pokes Anakin's stub* Silent you will be. *turns in the general direction of Obi-Wan, still on the floor with Stubby Ani* Many pretty women, I see. Much dancing! And you sing well, Padawan...

Obi: Better movies? YES!

Ani: So, er, what will I be doing in the future...hopefully not bleeding to death from lack of medical care.

Qui-Gon: Well, you already like black, Ani, so that's a step in the right direction....

Obi: *grumbles* Bring balance to the force...bah...

Qui-Gon: Don't you start.

Luke: Pardon? I seem to be lost--

Ani: Now THIS is weird.

Yoda: Large pile of feces this is....

Luke: I'm looking for my sister. Pretty girl. Cinamon buns? Seen her?

Yoda: Right I was! The boss I am.

Anakin: Weeeeird.

Ami: I had Cinnamon buns, and I'm sooo the prettiest.

Leia: As if.

Ami: Are you saying I'm NOT the prettiest?

Leia: You looked like a bigger freak show in the first movie than I did in mine.

Ami: Oh yeah little Miss Gold Bikini. At least I haven't spawned fetishists for decades to come.

Qui-Gon: Master Yoda?

Yoda: Speak true she does. Hot the binkini is.

Qui-Gon: That's not what I--- *pauses* Ooo. Shiny! *clears throat* --- Uhm, I had a question...

Obi: Oh wonderful. Like you really listen to anyone else...

Qui-Gon: Shut up. *snags Yoda's gimmer stick and smacks Obi*

Obi: OW!

Qui-Gon: Now be quite while I converse.

Yoda: Mine stick is. * bashes Qui-Gon*

Reincarnated Jar Jar: Oooo! Meesa see violence!

Chewbacca: *growl*

Obi: The hell? Wonderful. It's the barely sentient squad.

Now Fully Alive Jar Jar: YAAAAAAAAAGH!!!! Evil creature!! Make stop! Someone stop!

Yoda: Shut up you all shall. Speak question you will Qui-Gon.

Qui-Gon: How is this all possible? The past and the present.... according to honorable Master Buttlicko.... cannot collide or insanity shall insue.

Yoda: Insuing insanity is. Think about it you should not.

Chewy: GRRRRRRRRRUGH!

Han: I hear ya'.

C3P0: Master Solo!! Make it stop! It'll eat Jar Jar....

R2D2: Beep boop bop.

Ani: I believe that's droid for "Who gives a crap?"

Obi: Sounds accurate.

Chewy: (drags off Jar Jar)

Ami: Ewww...gross crunchy sounds.

Leia: Who gave you permission to speak? *SLAP, SLAP*

AND SO THE MILLENIUM FALCON FLEW OFF INTO THE SUN....
BUT THEY ALL SURVIVED.
THEY HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER.
FOR IT WAS THE EVIL MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE WHO HAD THEIR DESTINIES WELL IN HAND
AS WELL AS THEIR CONTRACTS....
NOT A SITH---
BUT A WRITER!!

GEORGE LUCAS
( * cue Darth Vader Music as everyone runs screaming for the exits * )