----- TEACHER'S PET -----
Season 1, Episode 4
Guest Fiver by Dave

*Girl screams as vampire enters the Bronze, Buffy begins to punch*
Buffy: Hey Xander, OOF, nice dream sequence!
Xander: Wha, how did you know that thi---
Buffy: This is the first vampire in the series I haven’t totally wailed on, yet you can down him in two punches.
Xander: Good call, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to channel Jimi Hendrix
Buffy: Actually you need to wake up. You're slobbering all over your desk.

Dr. Gregory: Now, I’m going to pick on someone to embarrass with a question.
Buffy: Willow, help me out! He’s going to pick me!
Willow: How do you know?
Buffy: Cuz the show is “Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” not “Willow The Wacky Wicca,” I’m the protagonist! Help me out by miming answers or something.
Dr. Gregory: Ms. Summers, how does the North American Hissing Cockroach mate?
Willow: Uhm... *gulp*

Dr. Gregory: You know Buffy, if you just applied yourself, you could do great things at this school.
Buffy: You’re showing compassion. On this series. To me. That means you’re toast, extra boy.
Mantis: Works for me! *GOWARF*

Angel: Big Fork Guy is coming.
Buffy: Eh, at least it’s not “Attack Of The 40-foot Cordelia.”

Xander: Holy gha- is that the new substitute teacher?
Buffy: Given the drum-laden model-walkway-esque music that’s filling the air, I’m gonna have to say yes.

Buffy: Oooh, look, obvious clue to someone’s demise.
Willow: Mmmaybe the janitor left them on the ground because of a massive janitor strike?
Buffy: Optimistic much?
Willow: Give us a break, already! It’s only the first season.

Miss French: Blah blah blah Praying Mantis, blah blah blah Mantis blah blah.
Buffy: She’s a bit big on the mantis.
Willow: Ya think?
Buffy: Gee I wonder what this episode’s major plot-twist is gonna be, it’s not obvious at all.

Cordelia: AAAHHH, Dr. Gregory without his head! And this is my only scene in this fiver! WAAAAHHHH!
Willow: Doesn’t the praying mantis decapitate it's prey?
Buffy: Nope, not obvious at all.
*Big Fork Guy runs up to Miss French, then runs away*
Buffy: Ooooh, look over there! Away from the obvious plot. AWAY!

*Buffy peaks into the classroom*
Miss French: *spinning head* Your mother sucke---
Buffy: NO! There’s already an exorcist reference in the show, we can’t do it here.
Random guy passing by: Hey, can’t the praying mantis rotate it’s he-
Buffy: SHUT UP.

*Miss French chows down on a cricket sandwich*
Buffy: Alright, we get the friggin’ point already! AWAY obvious plot! AWAY!

Willow: Hey, the marks on Dr. Gregory’s neck match mantis teeth exactly!
Buffy: Obvious plot, didn’t you hear what I just said? Obvious K. Plot, would you please go now?
Dr. Suess’s estate: *Attempts to sue 5MB*

Miss French: Would you like a martini, Xander?
Xander: Shaken no-
Dave (the author): NO!!!! I’m not gonna do a joke as obvious as that!
Kel (the 5MB site mommy): Awwww....

Xander: What a large, serrated hand you have.
Miss French: The better to imprison you with my dear.
Xander: My what large, nibbly teeth you have.
Miss French: The better to bite your head off, my dear.
Xander: What large, jumbly, gravity-scoffing boobies you have.
Miss French: The better to seduce you with, my dear.
Xander: …… You know, for a minute it sounded like there was going to be a downside, but damn if I can see it now.

Buffy: Let’s kick down Miss French’s door!
Old Miss French: *aiming a gun at Buffy’s head* Freeze motherf***a, you move and I’ll blow your friggin’ head off!
Giles: Clearly, Charlton Heston is having a bad effect on the elderly.

Miss French: *starts laying eggs*
Xander: I distinctly ordered a short stack, not eggs.
Audience: Ewwwww.

BFG: If I tell you where she lives, and promise not to hurt you, will you not stake me?
Buffy: Yes.
BFG: There! Now.... Haha! I was lying!
Buffy: Me too. *stake, poof.*

Miss French: I’m gonna kill you!
Buffy: Oh please, I’m the title character.
Miss French: Uhm... well, I could.... errrr... Oh yeah. *sigh* CRAP! GAK.

Blaine: Now why do I have to be the stereotypical jock guy and also a virgin?
Joss: Because people like you made my high school life a living hell and I wanted to try to emasculate you on national TV.
Blaine: Well I was in this whole episode, why am I only in this scene?
Dave: Because people like you made my high school life a living hell. So HA!

Buffy: Well Angel, you can have your jacket back. *flirt, flirt*
Angel: Keep it, it looks better on you. *flirt, flirt*
Costumer: Um, you better give it back to us! And if you think I'M flirting, you're nuts!

Other creepy teacher: BWAH hahahaha, I own you all now!
Buffy: Is it too late for the other substitute to come back? I like the mantis lady.

Eggsack: Hahaha, you missed me, now I shall rule the world!
Janitor: Dum de dum de dum *starts spraying*
Eggsack: Wha? RAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIID

The little Grr Argh! Demon drives across the screen in the exterminator’s truck from Men In Black.