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WELCOME TO THE HELLMOUTH -----
Season 1,
Episode 1
High School: Hello and welcome. For the next three or so
seasons, (or until I go BOOM) you will embark on a journey
through the heart of the darkest of evil.... PUBLIC SCHOOL.
Darla: Over here! Token villian alert! Yeesh. What a girl has to
do to get a decent closeup around here.
Joyce: Smile pretty, dear. You're about to enter your first
establishing scene.
Buffy: But---?
Joyce: Oh, it's simple. I'll go first. Ahem. Hi! I'm Joyce
Summers, Buffy's mother and occasional antagonist!
Xander: (skateboards by) Hey! I'm Alexander Lavelle Harris. I'm a
goof off and not really equipped with any special powers. Ooh!
But my knuckles do bend like this and---
Willow: (cuts him off as fast as possible) I'm Willow Rosenberg.
I hack into computers and am decidedly not gay..... that
part comes later.
Buffy: We're doomed.
Buffy: Hey! I'm Buffy... and you already know pretty much
everything about me from the show's title.
Cordelia: Hey Willow? Just reinforming you that you suck.
Willow: I suck? Who's the one who missed the establishing scene,
Shallow-head?
Cordelia: Huh? Like, no way!! Who forgot to beep me?!
Willow: And so you all get a little insight into Cordy's mind. I
know, not much to see. And... well, that's not really going to
change any time in the near future.
Random Girl: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! DEAD MAN IN MY LOCKER!
Dead Guy: No kiddin'. *THUNK*
Buffy: That would be my cue...
Giles: Jolly good day, wouldn't you say?
Buffy: Okay, if you're going to be watcher, we have so
got to work those Brittish-isms out of your system STAT.
GIles: Poppycock! Not bloody likely!
Buffy: Oh, we'll see about that.
Master: MWAHAHAHA! I am the Master! (dramatic pause)
Darla: Dad?! We're out of fresh humans in the pantry!
Master: Well, don't come crawling to me if you pigged out last
night! Children these days! I ask you!
Darla: Mole face.
Master: Someone needs a time out!
Buffy: Hey, I've seen these dark alley scenes before. If I'm not
mistaken--- *KICK* Hee-yah!
Angel: *THUNK* Ow!
Angel: The eagle flies at midnight! Redrum!
Buffy: Psychopath. (walks off)
Angel: Rats. Gotta work on that cryptic-guy thing.
Willow: And this is the Bronze, viewer-like people!
Buffy: when did you become Hostess girl? Thought you were a shy,
unassuming type in the first season?
Willow: Huh? Ooops. That's what I get for reading ahead....
Giles: Feel the energy flowing through you. Be one with the life
force surrounding you--
Buffy: Just how many times will I have to use Star Wars
references with you around, Obi Wan?
Luke: And so we walk the earth! Killing and maiming mine enemies!
Buffy: If Giles is the walking textbook, I suppose that makes you
the walking Vampire Bible.
Luke: AMEN!
Buffy: Puh-lease.
Luke: What? Am I not scary enough?
Buffy: With a name like Luke? Not of the very.
Buffy: *THWAP*
Luke: Ow! *SMACK*
Buffy: OW!!
Luke: And the people begged, "Give us better fight
scenes!"
Buffy: AMEN!
Xander: Ruuuun!
Vampire: *SNARL*
Willow: Ruuuun!
Vampire #2: *HISS*
Jesse: Damn, my neck hurts. (pause) Oh. I mean, RUUUUUN!
Darla: Some better chase scenes might be a reasonable request
too, Joss!
Joss: (sitting in his inner sanctum) Xander... Jesse... Xander...
Jesse... Xander... Jesse... Aw, heck. (flips a coin) Xander
lives!
(The little Grr! Argh! demon skitters across the screen on a Go Cart)
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