Christmas Time
They had seen this coming. They had seen this coming for a long, long time now. He had left them before, and he had returned, but this time they had an undeniable feeling that he wouldn’t be coming back. There was a light dusting of powdery-white snow on the ground of their tiny front yard, and they could faintly make out his tire tracks, leading from the driveway and down the street. There still wasn’t enough snow to cover that up.“Looks like we’ll be having a white Christmas, right guys?” his mother asked half-heartedly. She knew as well as he did that he wouldn’t be returning. They looked at the clock. It was only five o’clock. They had hours more to waste before they could even consider going to bed. Benji looked around the small living room. He took in the small, irregular Christmas tree in one corner, with its lone string of lights—half of them blown—and the eight or nine plastic ornaments. There were only three presents wrapped beneath the tree, one for each child of the family. His mother wearily sat down on the old sofa and started staring at the tree as well.It was Christmas Eve, December 24, 1994, and Benji’s father had just left his family. Permanently. His family was already having enough trouble paying the bills and handling all the necessary expenses without him leaving. Now what were they going to do? He and his twin brother Joel would be sixteen soon…they would probably have to go out and look for jobs. His older brother Josh was already out of the house. His younger sister Sarah was still too young to get a job. Their poor mother was already working two long-hour, low-paying jobs.Benji was happy this was going to be a white Christmas. The snow would cover up everything, including how he felt. As long as people were distracted by the cold purity of snow they might ignore the raging turmoil that was his emotions. He sat down on the sofa next to his mother and gently rested his head on her shoulder. They’d make it through this, somehow. They’d always managed to do it when he had left them before. He was finding it was becoming harder and harder to breathe the more he thought about the person that had just walked out on his family. How can you be a father? You’re not even a man, Benji thought, biting his lip.Benji was more than just a little bitter at this point in time. He saw yet another light on the string on the tree blink and then burn out. He thought of all the other houses he had seen on his bus ride home from school just last Friday, with all of their happy decorations, and just grew more depressed. The holidays were already a rather melancholy time of year and with him just leaving like that… Benji didn’t know how much more he could take. “Mom, promise me you won’t go,” he whispered into her hair.“Go where, honey?” she asked, reaching up and softly laying her hand on his head. He didn’t answer her, but just snuggled closer. She sighed, wondering what the hell the family was going to do now. She had just spent what little bit of money she had been saving up on Benji’s other Christmas present, the one that wasn’t under the tree. “We’ll be okay,” she said quietly, trying to quell Benji’s silent fears. She knew he wasn’t horribly saddened over his father leaving. God knew he wasn’t exactly father of the year. He was sad for another reason.“I’m gonna go downtown for a little bit,” he announced, standing up slowly. “Where’s Joel? I think I might ask him to go with me.” His mother gestured toward the bedroom he shared with his twin brother. Benji walked in and found Joel sitting on the bed, staring out the window. He was sniffling again. Joel seemed to have a permanent cold, but Benji had a feeling this time it wasn’t a runny nose that was making him sniffle. When Joel noticed he had walked in the room, he quickly wiped at his eyes, trying to cover up the fact that he had been crying. “Wanna go downtown for a little bit?” Benji asked, grabbing his hoodie off his bed and pulling it on over his head. Joel hesitated, wondering how his brother could act so calm when he knew what they both knew…but he nodded, standing, grabbing his own jacket. They walked out the door together and walked down to the bus stop. A few minutes later they climbed on the empty bus, paid their fare, and rode toward the mall in silence, letting the light blanket of snow that had fallen on them melt.They exited the bus silently and Benji led the way through the manic rush of people who were doing their last-minute holiday shopping. He stopped in almost every store on his way toward the center court and Joel was surprised to find that he wasn’t shopping or looking for anything to buy—he was picking up job applications. He even stopped in the hair salon. When they arrived at center court (which coincidentally was also the food court) he started getting applications from all the fast food restaurants. “What are you doing?” Joel asked finally, still following his brother.“What does it look like? I’m gonna try and get a job.” Joel stared at the older twin. Benji had never shown motivation like this before. “Listen, Roger is gone,” he said, referring to his father by his name. There was no way in hell he would ever be calling him “Dad” again. “He’s not coming back. We’ve got to do something to help Mom out. I figure…if I fill all these out, it can be my pathetic Christmas present to her.” Benji suddenly found himself being hugged by Joel. “What was that for?”“You’re the best, big bro.”“You’re the worst, baby bro.” After that, Joel started picking up applications as well. Though they wouldn’t be sixteen until March, it didn’t hurt to have these now. Times would be tough, no doubt. Their family barely had enough money to buy anything besides food and clothes now. Benji knew they were a few months behind on their heat bill, which explained why they often wore their coats indoors.A part of him had grown up and become a bit harder when he woke up that morning and found his father and all his possessions gone. Anyone could see it in his dark brown eyes. He wasn’t the same carefree rebellious boy he had once been. He had grown up too quickly. It felt like he had the soul of an old man.When he and Joel were finished getting everything they could, they stopped into Sears and checked out the jewelry display. “We should get Mom something nice for Christmas,” Benji said distractedly, the glittering gold catching his eye. Everything in the display cases was well out of their price range, so they moved onto the rotating racks of necklaces, bracelets, and earrings. A small cross on a chain captured his attention and he picked it up. There was nothing too special about it—just a gold-plated Celtic cross on a gold-plated chain—but he immediately knew that this would be the perfect gift for his mother. He checked the price on the sticker. He inhaled sharply, then asked Joel how much money he had. Joel replied he had about twenty-five dollars on him, and Benji had about the same amount. It would be just enough to buy the necklace. When they brought it up to the counter to pay for it, the woman working there asked if they would like it gift wrapped for only an extra two dollars. Benji declined her offer. They didn’t have enough to pay for pointless gift wrap. It would only be ripped off and thrown out tomorrow morning.They caught another bus back home and walked in the door at eight-thirty. Their mother asked if they had eaten any dinner, and they lied and said that they had. Benji slipped the necklace into a drawer in his dresser and changed for bed. He was drained, emotionally and physically. He hadn’t been tired this early since he was in elementary school. He’d been fighting back tears all day. “That bastard said he was going to the store,” Benji whispered to Joel as they were climbing into their beds.“He probably was,” Joel replied. “He had to pick up some cigarettes and beer to continue killing himself slowly.” There was an identical bitterness in his identical twin’s voice.“I hope I never see him again. After all the shit he’s pulled, I hope he dies.” Joel sighed, but didn’t say anything. Benji was very open and very direct in his feelings. He genuinely hoped that man would die. Benji pulled the curtains shut and climbed back under the covers. “What are we going to do, Joel?”“I don’t know, man, but we’ll make it through. We always have, and we always will.”
Their mother woke them up at six-thirty, reminding them that they had to go to church at eight o’clock. She knew how her sons liked to take long showers, so she made sure to wake them up early. Joel stumbled to the bathroom first, and when he returned to the bedroom he found Benji still curled up in his bed. Joel stood over him and allowed the water that was still clinging to his hair to drip down on his brother’s face. Benji slowly opened his eyes. “Thank you, Joel. I’m officially awake now.” Joel only smiled and handed Benji his towel. Moaning, Benji rolled out of bed and stumbled down the hall to the bathroom.A bit later, when they were in church listening to the pastor drone on and on about the holiness of Christ and how important this holiday was—the same exact sermon he’d done last year, word for word—Benji couldn’t help but think that maybe God was punishing his family for something they had done. But they were all good people. They followed the Ten Commandments and said grace and prayed. Why was life always so hard for them? Maybe it was just His plan. Who knew how He worked?When they returned to their home, it was time to open their presents. Benji, Joel, and Sarah smiled when they noticed they now had two presents a piece under the sad-looking tree. “Mommy, Mommy, did Santa come last night?” Benji asked, hopping up and down. His mother only rolled her eyes. “Did you leave milk and cookies for him? Because Santa won’t come back if you don’t leave him milk and cookies.” Joel threw one gift with Benji’s name on to him. He clawed at the nondescript wrapping paper and found a plain white box inside. He opened this box and pulled out a black Rancid t-shirt. Benji glanced quickly from the shirt to his mother to the shirt to his mother.“I know you know I don’t like your music, but Joel said you really liked that band,” she said, pleased that he liked his present. The giant grin on his usually frowning face told her that he liked it. He opened his other present and found a four-pack of AA batteries for his Walkman, a package of new socks, and a new leather wallet.“Oh, thank you so much, Mom,” he said, getting up off the couch to give her a hug. He then ran into the bedroom and grabbed the necklace from his dresser drawer. “Joel and I got this for you,” he said softly, holding it out in his hands. She picked it up carefully, as if it would break if she handled it too roughly. She gasped and put a hand over her mouth; Benji could see the tears welling in her eyes.“Thank you so much, boys,” she whispered, hugging both of them tightly. Joel helped her to put the necklace on and she walked into the bathroom to see how it looked in the mirror. “It’s so beautiful. You two are the best sons a mother could ever wish for. That’s why I got you something a little special.”Benji and Joel looked at each other. They knew they were extremely tight on money—they hoped she hadn’t done something like they did. They walked back out into the living room to find their mother holding a brand new acoustic guitar, its wooden surface gleaming in the light radiating from the Christmas tree. Benji was speechless…a very rare occurrence. He walked over slowly and took the guitar from her hands. Its weight felt just right in his hands. The silence was becoming too much. He handed the guitar to Joel and tightly embraced his mother. “You really are the best mother in the world,” he told her shoulder.“I didn’t have that much to spend on presents, but I know how much you and Joel like music, and when I saw that I somehow knew it would be the perfect present…”“Just having you here is the perfect present. You really do love us. Unlike a certain selfish piece of…” He stopped when he saw the expression on her face. She didn’t like the fact that her sons cursed like sailors. “It’s gonna be hard, no doubt. But we’ll help you, Mom. And someday… someday, we’ll use that guitar to write songs and start a band, and we’ll become rich and famous and we’ll never have to worry about money again.”She smiled through her tears. “You always were the dreamer, Benji.”She didn’t know how serious Benji was. How could she? These were only the ramblings of a boy who had just lost his father and any remaining chance of a normal childhood. A boy could always dream, though. He could always dream.
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