If All I Could Do Was Hold You, I Would
*This story uses lyrics from the song "If All I Could Do Was Hold You, I Would" by Youth Under Fire.
Summer past, should we let it end? I wish it would come again. So many nights and windy days lost.
You had the windows rolled down in the car, even though it was cold out. The wind was stirring your hair around. I couldn’t take my eyes off you. You are so beautiful, Joel. I’ll love you forever, even if you don’t love me anymore. How can you just stop loving someone? It can’t be that simple. I try to think of something else, but just looking at you reminds of this summer and everything that happened. Everything we shared.I had felt so alone, even though I was always surrounded by people. I had no one to connect with, to really talk with. Except you. You were always there. It had started out innocent enough. I’d crawl into bed with you at night, just to talk. We’d lay there together in the dark, so safe and so happy. Why can’t we still have that now? I know why.It’s starting to rain but you still don’t roll your window up. I can see the raindrops glistening on your cheek. Or are they teardrops?
The reflecting water and a smiling face, there was always you. But there were so many wasted thoughts and so many wasted moments that were never spent.
The nights spent together in bed slowly turned into something else. When I would come to you in tears, you’d wrap your arms around me and hold me close, our hearts beating against each other. It never felt awkward, it never felt wrong. If anything, it was the most perfect thing in the world. Your hands would travel down my back, gently massaging me, trying to soothe my fears. The next morning, I’d awake with you next to me, that adorable smile on your face when you saw I was up. You were always awake before me. You always were and you always will be.Things continued to get better. Or worse. Now I never slept alone. There was always you. There were times when I thought I couldn’t make it through a day without you. Every single time I saw you, I felt this indescribable feeling. It was like you were the one, Joel. You were the one. You still are the one.You finally put your window up and the silence in the car is deafening. I long to talk to you, to say anything, but everything I want to say sounds so stupid.There were those nights that we went too far. Those were the nights I fell in love with you. It was no longer just hugging. That wasn’t enough for me. I needed to spend every moment I was awake with you. No, not even that was enough. I didn’t even bother with my bed anymore. I was always with you. And you seemed to love that as much as I did.That one night I didn’t know what came over me. We were there in the dark, just you and me, and you had your arms around me, your forehead pressed against mine. I had been crying uncontrollably since I came into our room, and I didn’t know why. You looked into my eyes, whispered that everything would be okay, that you were always there for me, and I kissed you. I still don’t know why. It was quick, it meant nothing…at least, it didn’t mean anything to you. You only pulled me closer as my body shook with sobs. I fell asleep in your arms.The next day, and the day after, and the day after, I only had one thought on my mind. I wanted to kiss you again. I had discovered what was wrong with me. I had been empty. You made me whole.
The things I wish I could have done, but all is quiet tonight. And your smile is still so right. I know it’s hard to say good bye, but this time it feels so good and yet so bad.
I finally acted on my impulses, near the end of July. I pulled you into my arms and started kissing you passionately, my lips hungry for yours. You didn’t fight me. You didn’t push me away. I only craved it more. I laid you down gently on our bed, my lips traveling every inch of your beautiful body. Why did you let me do that? Didn’t you realize how much more I wanted you after that night?I swallow, and the sound it makes seems to echo in the car. The rain is coming down harder, but we’re almost there. We’re almost home.I see you smile as you recognize places we used to stay together. Why can’t you smile like that at me?That whole night you never told me to stop, even though I could see it in your eyes. You knew it was wrong—I knew it was wrong—but I couldn’t help myself. Somehow, you knew this was what I needed to make myself feel better. I needed love more than anything that summer. You did nothing but oblige to my whims.I wanted to take it further, but I just couldn’t do it. I saw how much even this was paining you. It hurt me that it hurt you. I didn’t want you in pain. I only wanted us to be happy.We still fell asleep in each other’s arms that night, but it was somehow different. Things had changed between us, and I didn’t know if it was for better for worse.I want to say something to you now, but what can I say? What can I do?
You know I loved you, you know I did. You couldn’t see past that one little thing I did.
There was that one night I took it too far. I tried apologizing to you, but you wouldn’t have it. August 15 was the day I died inside. I couldn’t take it anymore. I had been holding back for too long. You still held me in your arms when I needed you, and you let me kiss you, but that wasn’t enough. I can never be happy with what I have. I always want more. I had been out late partying with friends and had come into our room to find you asleep already. You were wearing nothing under the sheets. I might’ve been able to hold back if not for the fact you were naked. The sight of your body, totally exposed to me, set me off.I quickly shed my sweaty clothes and climbed into bed with you, aching for your touch. I needed to feel your skin on mine. I needed so much more, and you had always given everything you had to me. Except for this, this one final act of love. I pulled the sheets back from your body, watching the rise and fall of your chest, watching the tiny goosebumps rise, caused by the icy chill of the air conditioner. Though you were asleep I went forward, my body as much if not more so than my mind wanting you completely.I flicked my tongue over your nipple, suckling on it like a baby. My hands slipped down below your hips and started stroking gently, carefully, as if you were made of glass. You moaned softly in your sleep, and I paused, afraid you were waking up. When I saw that you weren’t, I continued, this forbidden act turning me on all the more. I felt you grow hard in my hands, and my lips could not get enough of your body.That’s when you woke up.“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” you whisper, your dark eyes accusing me. I can’t think of anything to say to you. There’s no real way to explain this. I just stare back at him, my mouth slightly open, as if I want to say something. “Get the fuck out of my room. Now.”And that’s where it ended. My days with you were over. You couldn’t see past that one stupid thing I did, and I’m the first to admit how incredibly foolish it was. I just needed you so badly. I still need you.
Of all things I said to you and all the things I did for you, why? I came to see you all the time, but you your turned back and I’m still lost.
You banished me from your room and started avoiding me. I wanted to kill myself. There is nothing worse than being hated by the one you love. I tried to talk to you so many times, but the most I could manage without breaking down in tears was a ‘hello’ or a ‘see you later.’ Every single time I looked at you I wanted to fall to my knees and apologize. I would have done anything, anything, to make things right between us. You kept ignoring me. I would cry myself to sleep in my room every night.Alone.I swear to God, I didn’t have a full night of sleep since the day you left me. I would sit there on the edge of my bed and just stare at a picture of us, wondering how it got this bad. I came to your room one night, near the end of August, my hand raised to knock on the door. All I wanted to do was talk to you in all sincerity. But I just couldn’t do it. I walked away, that empty feeling in my soul once more.You pulled the car into the driveway, my driveway, and put in park. I made no move to get out. I had to say something now or let it slowly rot away within me.“Joel?”
So one more time for me, I’ll take you and you will see my mirrored heart drop through my shirt to shatter on the edge of your skirt. It sparkles on in the midnight sky where tears of silver drop as I cry.
“Yes, Benji?” Finally, I hear you speak. That little bit of recognition made me so incredibly happy.“I want to say I’m sorry.” The silence stretches on for ages.“You’re sorry.” He says this with no emotion as the rain begins to lighten. Just a few quiet drops on the windows now.“What I did was wrong. I know that. But I love you so much.” Can he hear the waver in my voice? Does he know I’m starting to cry?“I loved you too.” Past tense. He loved me too. A dagger through my heart. It has shattered and the shards slice me up from the inside. The rain had stopped completely now and the clouds were separating. There was a thin slice of moon hanging in the sky tonight. A sky we had looked upon together not so long ago.“Can you ever forgive me?” I ask, praying he will yes, hoping he’ll answer me at all.“I don’t know.” How can he not know? Either he will be the compassionate person I once thought I knew or he’ll be the bastard he’s always been. I sniffled and I saw him frown slightly in the glow from the dashboard.“Things will never be the same, will they?”“They can’t be.” I lean over and place a soft kiss on his cheek before climbing out of the car. He pulls away before I’m even to my door.
My mind is gone now and my eyes fade too. My last few words are meant for you. What should I say? What should I be?
“I really do love you, Joel,” I whisper as his car swiftly goes down the road. For some reason, I’m incredibly tired. Maybe it was the act of not saying anything for four hours as we drove home together, the act of holding back everything. My muscles ached and my eyes burned. Maybe that was from staring at him out of the corner of my eye for so long.I collapse onto the couch, not bothering to turn on any lights. A gust of cold air sweeps in and I realize I haven’t closed the front door. I’m not going to get up to do it. I’m so drained. I don’t know how long I just lay there in the dark, my hot tears scalding my face. I can’t go on living this way. I either have to forget you completely, or try to make you mine again. There’s no way we can have what we had before.I think I fell asleep like that on the couch, my heart ripped into a million little pieces. If I pretend you’re there beside me, falling asleep isn’t so hard.
If all I could so was hold you, I would.
I did fall asleep, because I dreamt of you. I dreamt of you more than once. Damn you. I wanted nothing more than to hold you in my arms all night long, but that’s why our whole relationship fell apart. It had always been about what I wanted. Now I can’t have what I want and it’s killing me, slowly but surely. I still love you, and if all I could do was hold you, I would.
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