Starkle starkle little twink,
Who the heck are you I think,
I'm not under what you call,
the alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
but the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'cause I got all day sober to Sunday up!

- Author Unknown





*** The Best Drinking Story Ever ***

BOONTON, NJ - From the bar where drinking is considered a sport, comes a true story from Johnny's Tavern at 300 Boonton Ave, Boonton, NJ....

Recently a routine Boonton police patrol parked outside the tavern at 1:00am late on a Friday Night. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man tumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Boonton police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy, long live the BOONTON DRINKERS!"

...Reported in the Morris County Edition of The Newark Star Ledger.
BIG THANKS to Janie for re-sending this fine story back to me!







This next poem is dedicated to my girls!

*** A Girl Poem ***

I can balance the checkbook,
I can pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends
about the size of my ass.

My beauty's a masterpiece
and yes, it takes long.
At least I can admit
to others when I'm wrong.

I don't drive in circles
at any cost.
And I don't have a problem
admitting I'm lost.

I never forget
an important date.
You just gotta deal with it,
I'm usually late.

I don't watch movies
with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay
to remember the score.

I won't lose my hair,
I don't get jock itch.
And just cause I'm assertive,
Don't call me a bitch.

Don't say to your friends,
Oh yeah, I can get her.
In your dreams, my dear,
I can do better!

Flowers are okay,
But jewelry is best.
Would you look at my face, you ass...
And not at my chest!

I don't have a problem
With expressing my feelings.
I know when you're lying,
You look at the ceiling.

Don't call me a girl,
A babe or a chick.
I am a WOMAN,
And I don't need a d*ck!



*** Italian Mothers ***

Mrs Ferrara comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony.